THE TIGER

You're right as usual Spendius. But if we could get creative with it - I don't know, I think it has potential. Especially if I play the wide-eyed innocent and you inject your usual scathing sarcasm. I know I would laugh...

You seem down tonight. Are you alright?

I haven't stopped laughing for the last two hours with that lot on the Science/Religion thread. And I made a grand today. And now I'm off for a hot tub and then an interlude back on here whilst I dry off a bit before the pub in which I am starting another romance going with Vic, he's newly divorced after 35 years of low level agony, and Carol who is also divorced, daft as a brush and 20 years younger than him.

My last romance is doing quite well. They are on holiday in New York together now and live in the same breeding hutch though I don't think they will breed as they have both already done so with third and fourth parties.

After that an hour on here with dreamfodder and off to the charp-pit.

Me down! ME!!! DOWN!!!! I should be so self-indulgent. Try south Lebanon for people "down" Becks and fix the notion firmly in your conk because it has been explained to you before.

There is always the possibility that your mother brought home the afterbirth, and the real you is still bobbing along in the sewers of some obscure town in Yorkshire.

It would explain a great deal don't you think?

You made a grand today? How? I'm not trying to be nosy or anything, but wow- is that a daily occurrence- or is that a really, good out of the ordinary day? I'm curious to know how you can spout off about "invidious comparisons" when you yourself are apparently making a very comfortable living.

And on top of that you're telling me you're some kind of matchmaker or something. And all this time, I thought that was Mathos' bailiwick. You've been hiding your talents. Secrets, secrets, secrets...

I'm glad you're alright though. You know, I'd really hate for you to be unhappy. As crazy as it might be, because I know you don't consider me a friend, and now you'll make fun of me for a whole week because I even mentioned the word (friend), but I'm a big girl and I can take it, so if I'm honest, I have to admit that I do find myself caring about your happiness so I'm happy you had a good day and are looking forward to a nice night.

*You too Mathos. See, what'd I tell you? You pop up and I'm smiling - afterbirth.... sometimes you're just too much Mathos.

You need to ease up on the patronising element towards that blackguard Aidan, he has probably been playing monopoly in his low life ale house with some other drunk.



How on earth do normal people relate to him?

Answer= They don't

Why?

Answer= There are no normal people in his neck of the woods.

What would you do if you saw Spendi fall in the ocean?

Answer= Throw him a heavy ships anchor.

How would you make sure he kept hold of the anchor?

Answer= Handcuff and chain him to it.


Result = Bliss.

Quite simple really isn't it?

I wasn't being patronising. I sincerely meant everything I said.

You should try it sometime - being sincere, I mean.

Yes Ma'am Mr Sincerity reporting for duty?

What, you're not sure? (the question mark).

But speaking of sincere, I met the loveliest couple from Yorkshire today. And I mean lovely. I told them I'd been wanting to visit and they told me how beautiful it was - from the coastline to the dales to the moors. They said it's the biggest county in England, which I didn't know. They said Whitby and York were two places I should definitely go. They didn't mention Bradford, which is the only place I ever hear you or Spendius talk about. They were from a little village, of course I forget the name now, but it starts with an H and it's near another village that starts with an N about twenty miles from York. Does that ring a bell at all? I'm so mad at myself that I didn't write it down, because they said their village was historical and beautiful and worth a visit.

Becksie wrote-



I don't remember talking about Bradford on here.

Excuse me Mr. Precision. Let me rephrase: I've only heard the town of Bradford mentioned (when Yorkshire comes up as a subject) - and yes, now that you mention it - Mathos is the only one who ever mentions it.

Every time there's a bloody problem or a 'you said this, or you said that'
Mathos becomes the bloody scapegoat with you two wannabees!


Does it never occur to you both that you must be totally insane?


I mean, read some of what your writing and ask yourselves is that bloody normal?


I visited the boffins thread for something to do whilst it was raining earlier today, guess what, I got in discussion with that blithering idiotic Yank Setanta, who just happens to be a goofy faced, freckle covered, red headed Jock. What a thread that is, 'All the lousy little poets coming round, trying to sound like Charlie Manson, or a white man dancing!' The mind gets carried away with education doesn't it?


Anyhow, I'm meandering from the point. Listen, carefully both of you!

Your extremely pernicious and ill-advised banjaxing of one so nice as me
is typical of your Freudian attitude to others in general on these threads (hence you are the receivers of bad name or ill repute) coupled with dual egomania of severe pathological preoccupation and delusions of grandeur. Both of you would have been plugged if my name had been Jack Palance or Lee Van Cleef for instance.


Aidan, I'm concerned here, the couple you met from Yorkshire, had they been tagged or was it a simple day pass? I've told you before as well, be careful who you talk to!


One more thing, your getting cocky again Young Lady, I can understand the oink, he will be sozzled as usual, you I am not too sure about, but you have previously told me you were not a heavy drinker..


I have reasonable grounds to doubt that.

Wannabe what?

Mathos, I can't speak for Spendius, but I do know if I was insane, I would not be wondering if I was insane, because I would be insane. And I know I'm not insane because sometimes I wonder if I'm insane because I find it amusing to talk to you.


I've never been what most people would consider "normal". But I'm always drawn to people most people consider "abnormal" in one way or another, so I don't mind not being considered "normal".



Don't make fun of red-headed freckly people. I have some people very close to me who fit that description, and I find it charming, myself.


What, the Leonard Cohen thread?

Sometimes.

I like this- direction.


Freudian? In what way, exactly?


What?! Bad name? Nobody here even knows my name. Ill repute? Now I just think that's unfair. If that's true, I have to say that I believe that speaks more to an ill-considered and judgemental general mindset than to any realistically or fairly deserved criticism based in fact. And as such, I just can't worry about it. Sorry.


Delusional? Who? You're the one who's done everything and been everywhere and can buy, drive and/or fly any type of vehicle. I keep trying to tell you all how normal my life is and you guys just don't want to hear it. You keep asking me to imagine living in a harem or being the daughter of a blacksmith. I'm the one trying to keep things real here.

Plugged? Does that mean you would have shot me?


I talk to everyone Mathos. That's just the way I am. And people talk to me - just out of the blue. I think I have a very open, receptive face or something. It's been that way my whole life, (except for when I went through my shy and awkward adolescent phase) so I don't think it's gonna change now. And I don't want it to. I enjoy meeting new people and hearing about their lives. I enjoy being friendly. That's why it's so ironic that you say people here find me haughty. I can laugh at that because it is just so opposite from what I know I am.

These people were so nice. Very friendly and interesting and interested. If they're any example of typical Yorkshiremen and women, I'm truly impressed. I love working in my shop. I meet people from all over the world and they say and do the funniest things. The owner has started selling these cheap little mood rings because the kids like them and the other day, these two adult men were trying them on, which was funny in itself because I"ve never seen an adult man try on one - women and kids, but never men. So one said, "Try to inspire fear in me. I want to see if this turns red." So his friend said, "I'm not doing that - don't be stupid". But he waited until his friend's back was turned and then yelled and grabbed him. Well, we all jumped a mile and started laughing uncontrollably. It was funny - stuff like that happens all the time.
It's just light, easy - no problems, everyone's happy and friendly. Why can't life be like that all the time?

No, you don't- my drinking is under control. Don't you worry about that.
Cocky in what way? Mathos - I'm not cocky. I'm just open. I say what I think - but I allow and invite others to do that as well.

I never said anything about your winking, what on earth possessed you to bring winking into the equation, have you got sand in your eye, or were you referring to the 'barker'

He was shouting it all over the car park;-

Roll up roll up see the winky wanky bird
Every time it winks it wanks,
Don't throw dust in its eyes lady.



Where was this?

It was in the month of Liverpool
In the City of July!

What was the weather like?

The rain was snowing heavily
And the streets were very dry


What on earth did the inspector from the RAC say about it?

He said;-

The elephant is a bonny bird
It flits from bough to bough
He builds his nest in the rhubarb tree
And whistles like a cow.

That was quite a decent appraisal of the situation Mathos, what brought this on, did you have a gun placed to your head?

No, I just get annoyed when I see posts and posts of quotes.

It's daft isn't it?

Would you care to do a post I am prepared to read Young Lady?

Mathos wrote-



Hey Madhos-that's good.

We know it's good Spendi, main thing is what are you doing again?

Upsetting her with all that ridiculing of her and belittling her on these pages, your nothing but a piece of ****.


I had a real nice poem for her as well, she would have liked that.

Why do you do it? She tries to be nice to you, tells you all about her daft neighbours, daft grass cutting job, (they're tight buggers aren't they, making the poor lass drink from the hose pipe) daft job in shop selling funny rings to idiots, and a house with a tree growing in the lounge?

Then you come along and rub it in, she's got you pegged right mate, she told Mame on the Trivia thread you had an evil side to your personality.



See your making her alarmed.

Upset? Not me. I haven't noticed Spendius ridiculing and belittling me lately. He must be getting better at it and more subtle. I thought it was funny the way he described me as "the American lady living in rural England." I mean, hey, I guess that's what I am. I never think of myself like that.

I'd still like it. Go ahead, post it Mathos.

That's right. Only the tree isn't in the lounge, the staircase winds around it - it's over at one end of the kitchen.
I think it was Clary whom I told that you both had wicked little mean streaks that show themselves every so often. That's not particularly bad or out of the ordinary in any way - most people do.

You know though, this whole Intelligent Design thing has me curious. I'd love to know what your spiritual beliefs are. (This is when Mr. Sincere could report for duty Mathos).



Actually, I'm feeling very relaxed tonight. Thanks for caring.

He's not caring Becks. He's patronising you. He's what we call a greaseball.

Lard it over them is his motto until things don't go all his own way and then he want handbags at dawn with imitation snarling.

Haven't you noticed the swings?

You shut your face gobbin, or I'll change the way you look forever! Your a big girls blouse if ever there was a prime example, you fit the specimen like a key to Pandora's Box.

Right, poem tomorrow Aidan, it's a good one too, all about you, Spendi, I play a small part in it and Clary McCloud! Oh and Nellie of course, wouldn't be a proper poem without Nellie Gump would it?

Anyhow I am expecting my nephew round and an old friend for a game or two of snooker, so I will post it tomorrow or possibly later on this evening.

Do you wear jeans Aidan?

To keep a fire going, you throw sticks into it.

Yes, I have noticed the swings. Especially when he doesn't get his way. I don't think he's been told "no" very often, and so doesn't know how to take it when he does.

I'm a little afraid to read this poem tomorrow. Such a big build up. I don't want it to be about me. Make it about Nellie, Clary (if she's agreeable) and Spendius. You guys have a much more established camraderie.

I'm not telling you whether I wear jeans or not. I'm not telling you anything else about me that you can use to lampoon me in your poetry Mathos. (But think about it - what do you think I wear? Do you think I wear little lace-necked blouses and wool plaid skirts with sensible, low heeled shoes)?

What do you think American ladies living out in rural England wear?