THE TIGER

Here you go Becks.



It has to be at your convenience. No search for it. You want to talk about direct communication and I point you to a modern English version of mildly direct communication and it's "If I see it around - I'll check it out". Not even buy it. Glance at it in the shop if it happens to catch your eye. Thank you very much. If I was being extreme and sophistical I could argue that that amounts to refusal to assimilate into the English way of life of which VIZ is a living part.

Not much point in offering you any advice is there? You are patronising the English I fear.

You started it Miss, your a bloody pervert.

Asking me to send you pictures of myself in a loin cloth. Inviting me to your house when I don't really know you. Asking me about my sexual activities.

You don't half have a nerve Miss, you need help.

You probably know that though, that would account for you being in constant denial of your problem.

If I ask my good friend and eminent psychiatrist Doctor B to consider an opinion on your condition, would you like me to make an appointment?

After all, it won't do you any harm, will it? There could be some outlandish results come out, and it would no doubt assist in your recovery. What do you think Aidan?

You made some pretty strong accusations against me in your last post as well. You show me were I have ever made derogatory remarks towards Americans, excluding yourself, and that as you know concerns your mental state of peculiar concern, to put it mildly.

Your going to have to take stock Aidan, your getting worse, now pull yourself together and shake off these silly and unproductive allegations, which are totally out of order and are exposing your condition of mental reservation in an extremely concerning manner.

Do you hear voices?

The paranoia you express on a regular basis could be from taking amphetamines, note I said could, only your up all night nearly every night, doing three jobs, going to the pub and your also extremely arrogant and bellicose, which are perfect signs of speed addiction.

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't think she as bad as that old boy.

She seems quite typical of Americans in general.

And it must be disorienting to come and live amongst us English.

She does seem to have been placed in some sort of authority position over a few English lads and that should be taken into account. She might tutor them into becoming cowering wassocks without our help.

Are you implying that all Americans are irrational, paranoid, ill educated and egotistical?


Don't worry about the lads, they'll just pump her for info on the Alamo and such like, then she'll be off to the library or Google so she can 'tell the tale'

Yeah well, I can't say I'm surprised at any of this. You guys are so fickle and contrary - one day I show "flashes of brilliance", etc. and the next this is what I get.

Mathos - you and I know the truth about who asked whom about who's sexual activities, and who gave the answers - "None of your business" or "I'm sorry, but that's not my cup of tea" or "I don't talk about that stuff with people I don't know", or "You're married" over and over again. I know the truth about everything I've ever done or said- and in the end that's all that matters to me.
Now, if my words have somehow been rearranged in a different order to depict someone elses perception of reality - if only in that person's head - there's nothing I can do about that- so I've decided it's not worth worrying about. Because the truth of the matter is - I'm probably one of the least promiscuous people you'll ever meet. But if it serves your (or anyone elses) purposes to think of me as something else- there's nothing I can do about it.

And actually - I really like British people. But just as Americans have a tendency to be arrogant and loud and nurture an isolationist view within the world (yes, I do admit that)- British people have a tendency to think their way is the best way - and some might say, only way. Americans are, I think, as a nation of people, more open to innovation and change than are the British.

Spendius - I don't even know what a wassock is- so if I do tutor them into becoming that - please believe me when I say it's inadvertant. I also don't know what VIZ is - but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in this culture - I don't read People either - but I'm interested in what happens in America.

PS- I invited you guys over to play cards. And I did think I knew you - but I've come to realize that I probably didn't.

Your shilly-shallying here Aidan, the topics brought up, (purely due to your comments) need answering, just settle and lets see if we can get you running on four cylinders to start with.

I'm settled.

That is good to hear.

Are you sitting comfortably and are you warm?

Yes. Why?

I imagine Becks that he's about to begin his special cure for the failings he has provided you with.

BTW- We don't think we are superior. We know we are.

You need to relax a lot more Aidan.

Also you must stop flying off the handle and getting yourself all confused and irrational with regard to the accusations you make towards me. It's almost as if you have a split personality at times.


I can understand the oink getting flak off you, he is quite distasteful towards you on many occasions. I'm not bothered how much you rant at him, he deserves it.


Have you actually started your new job? Why not tell me about it, it should loosen you up a little. Are you nervous with regards to your employment, or are the kids playing you up some?

All these little things tend to build up on women especially and they act in peculiar manners, that is what I sam getting at. It always happens on the wrong night though. I should have been fixing some outside lights tonight, but I will do it tomorrow. Also I am playing snooker later on, so I am not able to give you as much time as I would like.

However, you can rest assured, that I will give you assistance and some time to get you back on track and get you laughing more.

Do you feel more relaxed now?

[
Yes, he's "provided" me with many failings that I had previously been unaware of.


And you accuse Americans of being egotistical braggarts. Alright, whatever you say.

And I can't even begin to respond to Mathos' sexist diatribe so I'm just going to tell you what I did tonight. I went to this animation thing that is part of my new village's literary festival. And it was so fun. One of the women who worked on Wallace and Grommit's "Were-Rabbit" movie was there with all the supplies to make clay-mation figures. So we made this guy that we called "Last Call". He was this wraith-like kind of Michael Jackson like figure - except he was white - or pink- and we made him kind of balding with sun-glasses and thinning ginger hair. And in one hand he was holding a brush with a cigarette between two fingers and in the other hand he was cradling a bottle of Hennessey and we had him with all these gold chains and a sparkly belt and a big diamond studded H on his chest. He was so funny. I took pictures, so maybe I'll post them.

Anyway - it was really a fun night. I submitted a photograph and a poem in this whole thing - and I find out tomorrow if I win any prizes. But the point is - I really like my new village. It's a little more literary and upscale than my old one - which I also loved- so don't even begin to call me a snob- but I feel like there's definitely a place for me here. And that's a good feeling, so I know you'll be happy for me, because I definitely felt relaxed and happy and at home - and I didn't even have to take any drugs to do so. (What will you accuse me of next, Mathos?)

You call that fun Becks?

Sheesh!

That's an assertion that nobody ever had any fun before sun-glasses and thinning ginger hair and brushes with a cigarette between two fingers and bottles of Hennessey and gold chains and a sparkly belts and big diamond studded H's were invented.

Fun starts with two large bottles of quality champagne and a big brass bed. Spliffs for the over thirties. Coming up on the pools is not bad but not as good as finding oil in the garden. (I'll bet you would soon shift those pretty flowers out of the way if oil started bubbling up.)

There are all different kinds of fun. This was fun I could have with my fourteen year old daughter. Claymation is really fun though.
I can't draw to save my life - so I always shy away from artistic activities - but my daughter is really good, that's why we went. But you don't need to be able to draw or have artistic talent of any sort to do claymation- actually the rougher around the edges it is in some ways - the better it comes out. You just need to use imagination.
And this woman had incredible props- all different kinds of eye balls - so you could make them look surprised or sleepy or whatever and little clothes and jewelry items - and like I said, little half-full liquor bottles- we had to make our own cigarette though. I never thought about animation before - but I think it'd be a great career for someone with a sense of humor and artistic sensibility.


Like I said, everyone has their own idea of what's fun- and don't you agree there can be all different kinds?

I don't own the flowers, so I couldn't move them. I bet the owner would though.

Claymation sounds like it has possibilities for having a good laugh. But surely it would soon become boring and fun with two large bottles of quality champagne and a big brass bed, spliffs for the over thirties, is never boring. Tiring maybe but not boring.

It could be dangerous actually. You could get really good at it and become successful commercially and then find yourself doing it 12 hours a day under deadlines for the rest of your life and stultify your artistic talent in a binge of luxury and depravity.

The Comte de Valmont might have twiddled with it a bit to make mock of his faithful servant Azolon.

I could have sworn his servant's name was something else - can you believe I can't remember what right now - even though I typed it over and over again when we were writing that story last summer. What was it - or are you going to make me google it and/or go to the library?

Oh yeah, that reminds me - I'm trying to win this three day week-end to the Abbey Inn "within the grounds of the imposing ruins of Byland Abbey near Rievaulx Abbey and Helmsley Castle" - which they say is the ideal base for a short break to the North York Moors. All I have to do is answer this question correctly:

"To the north of Byland Abbey is a national trail, more than a hundred miles long, that takes in places of interest around the North York Moors National Park. What is the name of this trail?" (I need the answer by the end of September to have my entry in by the closing date).

Again, I could google it, but I thought since you seem to be such a fount of information about Yorkshire (even though you don't live there) you'd be able to give me a quick answer. Or if you want the trip for yourself, I can give you the info as to where to send your answer. Hey wait a minute - I think I better google. It would be just like you to give me the wrong answer so you could win the trip for yourself. Forget I asked.... It's so funny - but Yorkshire has come up again and again in the last few days for me - although not with you. It used to be that you were the only one I ever talked about Yorkshire with - now it's all these women I'm talking about it with.

And Spendius - sad to say - but everything gets boring if you do it too much - even things like eating and sleeping. It's called "desensitization"- (I know you knew that - I'm just reminding you. ). After a certain amount of exposure - a stimulus just doesn't elicit the same emotions anymore - things that were scary at first are no longer scary after a while. What might have started out funny - isn't funny and just starts seeming stupid. And what might have seemed fascinating and interesting just grows to be kind of boring and sad after a while. I think the only way to avoid becoming burnt out on something is to either receive some sort of reward that makes the monotony and boredom worthwhile or to practice moderation- mete a stimulus out in small doses so that it doesn't become predictable and tiring or lacking in novelty, so that one still looks forward to it.

*You want to write the Valmont/Isabella story again? That'd be a rewarding stimulus for me... I had fun doing that.

For Christs sake, don't start filling the thread up with boring clap trap of that nature, wait until I go on my trip if you want to get into that stupid scenario.


The Pope is having fun isn't he?


This is typical of what happens when you place an ex Nazi in the pulpit of the the Vatican.


I wonder what he will do next to get them all wound up, it will be amusing thats for sure?


Just as a matter of interest, if either of you two were Pope ( you just assume your a male Aidan, I don't want ten pages of blubber on why you can't be included in this, OK?) what would be your next move in this interesting scenario?


Oh, I meant to ask you, do you ever drink in The Robin Hood Pub?

What's going on with the pope? I bought a newspaper today - but I haven't read it yet. I did read part of the NY times on line - and I didn't see anything about the pope- I do have some vague memory about something about the pope's father though - was it something to do with him?

No, I've never heard of the Robin Hood pub - where is it?

Oh, and I remembered Valmont's manservant's name- Lauzanne- or something like that. And I didn't even have to google. But I did google this name someone gave me at the shop the other day because I thought it was the same name as a character in a Thomas Hardy novel - and the funniest thing happened. It had the name - and then it said- "It's a big internet." And then when I clicked on it - It was just this blank page that said, "It's a big internet." I don't know why, but that just made me laugh.

Sometimes life just seems to go from the ridiculous to the sublime- don't you think so?

Well you might be better employed elsewhere Aidan.

Any teacher, young lady should make knowledge of world news the first thing on his/her agenda daily.


You have no excuse for not knowing about the Pope. No doubt you are now up to date from your PC and have no need for me to recite the events of yesterday to you.


He isn't a fool, he must have known what he was going to say would get them whooping and hollering. It could be interesting this, are you going to play your part, as I suggested above?

Becks.

I made a typo. It's Azolan. I made another name up for that story we tried which I can't remember either. I think it was a bit similar though.

I think the Abbey Inn will find a way to have interested parties get the question right.If nobody got it right they would have no winners and thus no customers. It might be The Penine Way. If I won as a result of somebody entering me for a joke I would give the ticket to the first person who wished to have it. But that is most unlikely. They know everybody can Google under "Walking Trails" or somesuch. It's a sales gimmick and a teacher should know that.

You obviously haven't read your Mailer which is a shameful thing for any educated American.