DrewDad wrote:But how else does one become a martyr, except by sacrificing?
lol...feels like it sometimes...dunnit?
Re: Is it just me or...
Debra_Law wrote: If he asked me to stop and pick up dish soap (or whatever) on my way home, I wouldn't hesitate to say, "sure honey, do you need anything else?" And he would do the same for me no matter how tired or how crappy his day might have been.
Debra, most of the times I would be happy to make my husband happy but there will be days when I cannot. I don't feel physically and mentally well to make him glad. That is only human. I think kitkat is talking about such a day. She was probably down that day and went to do her nails to cheer herself up. Who say's she cannot do something to cheer her up? We do it all the time.
I know because I did that for a long time. Trying hard to make him glad, I only felt resentful. Then I worked towards setting realistic expectations. It has worked quite well. He also responds well to my limitations now. I did more damage by trying to be a superwoman.
kitkat_bar, I made the mistake of thinking of my contributions as sacrifices for a long time. Does not work. It will only make you more resentful. At the same time it is important to communicate well about your needs and limitations while maintaining a loving and respectful tone. If he really loves you, he will listen to you and your problems. Do not try to play a blame game.. you did this, you asked for this and so on. Tell him what you can do and what you would love to do but cannot.
GreenWitch suggested this book to me and I have only good words to say about this book. This book taught me where I was wrong and also taught me how I could communicate. I would recommend this for you as well.
Fighting for your marriage, Authors: Markman, Stanley and Blumberg.
Re: Is it just me or...
LoveMyFamily wrote:Debra, most of the times I would be happy to make my husband happy but there will be days when I cannot. I don't feel physically and mentally well to make him glad. That is only human. I think kitkat is talking about such a day. She was probably down that day and went to do her nails to cheer herself up. Who say's she cannot do something to cheer her up? We do it all the time.
It is my impression that kitkat goes to school so that she has an excuse NOT to work (although sometimes she does work, but loses her jobs) and an excuse NOT to help her hubby. She wants to attend to her studies as she chooses, sleep when she chooses, laze around the house when she chooses, and place the majority of adult responsibilites on her hubby's shoulders. God forbid that he might ask her to pick up dish soap because, when she gets home, he might expect her to actually wash the dishes too!
It appears from Kitkat's posts that her husband's chief complaint is that she is lazy and he's tired of doing all the work and paying the bills by himself. She claims she just doesn't want to clean house, or whatever, when HE wants it done. She'll do it when she feels like getting around to it. (Maybe never, which prompts his complaints about her laziness.) In the meantime, she's the long suffering, sacrificing wife of an over-demanding hubby.
I suspect, if and when Kitkat gets her degree and is able to find a job that she doesn't lose within the first few weeks and is capable of supporting herself so she can be as idle as she wants to be on her time off without someone complaining----she'll get rid of hubby (if he hasn't gotten rid of her first). In the meantime, it's nice to have someone footing the majority of the adult responsibilities and taking that burden off her shoulders.
Just my impression from her posts (that I recently reviewed) and I'm sure kitkat will disagree. But time will tell . . . .
Debra.. I had not read kitkat's other posts. I did that today after your reply to my post. I see where you were coming from now.
Sorry it was BorrisKitten and not GreenWitch who suggested the book to me. Kitkat please go through this. I am sure it will help.
Right now, after reading all of your posts it seems that you are way too resentful (your "sacrifices", how he treats you and the bedsheet issue.. all of them). As long as you have those feelings built up nothing can save your marriage. So look at these problems with another perspective - it's not just him, you have problems too.
Best wishes.
LoveMyFamily wrote:Debra.. I had not read kitkat's other posts. I did that today after your reply to my post. I see where you were coming from now.
Sorry it was BorrisKitten and not GreenWitch who suggested the book to me. Kitkat please go through this. I am sure it will help.
Right now, after reading all of your posts it seems that you are way too resentful (your "sacrifices", how he treats you and the bedsheet issue.. all of them). As long as you have those feelings built up nothing can save your marriage. So look at these problems with another perspective - it's not just him, you have problems too.
Best wishes.
No I am definatly not resentful. I do not expect my husband to return all the things I have done for him. I only get "resentful" when others or him say that I have done nothing nor do anything for him. It's not like I remind him everyday all that I have done for him. I don't have to, he knows. I don't just lie around the house doing nothing. The second I get home from school I am running around the house to pick up dishes and soda cans and water bottles and socks. I try very hard to make this place look it's best when he comes home. But there are just those times when you can't move anymore and you need some "you" time. I never get "me" time. If I am not taking care of this place I am taking care of my animals or him.
The two of you live alone and have no kids, right?
You're at school and he's at work.
Where are all these soda cans, bottles, glasses, dishes, socks and so forth coming from?
Do either one of you know where the sink or garbage is for when you get done eating? You are two adults, aren't you? Are complete strangers wandering in and leaving dishes around and throwing their socks about while both of you are out.
Give me a break, you act as if you're the only person in the world you goes to school and or works, and has a spouse that does the same.
Let's get real, 2 adults clean up after themselves...
You are one of the most petty people I have ever read here...and the worst part is, you just go on and on ad nauseum about the same stupid things.
You just come on here to hear yourself talk, you're just a broken record.
**** or get off the pot sweetie.
Oh...and you've mentioned several times all these "things" the 2 of you have gone through together....like what? C'mon, fess up what big deal things you've gone through with him, then let me and some of the others here share what we've had to get past.
How old are you exactly?
What did you marry this guy for? It sure isn't for living in respect of each other, that's for sure.
why, oh why do I keep reading?
its like a car crash.
You just
GOTTA look..
Me too, shewolf. Like that 'Lady Di' thread that existed ages ago.
I like listening to the stories that keep popping up!
Chai Tea wrote:
Oh...and you've mentioned several times all these "things" the 2 of you have gone through together....like what? C'mon, fess up what big deal things you've gone through with him, then let me and some of the others here share what we've had to get past.
How old are you exactly?
What did you marry this guy for? It sure isn't for living in respect of each other, that's for sure.
I really wish I could tell you what I have been through with him but the truth is you nor no one else here will give a damn. To me they are real events that have had a major impact on my life. But to you they will mean nothing. It doesn't matter how hard I have had it being with him, nor will it matter to anyone what I have suffered through. I am only 23 and cannot compete with someone who has a lifetime of experience on me, but that doesn't make what I went through less hurtfull. It must be really great for all of you to find what I am going through funny, stupid, and pointless. It's so easy for everyone else to tell me how I should be changing my whole life around without even knowing me. It's so easy for everyone to sit there safe on the other side of the computer screen pointing fingers at me and laughing or calling me stupid or an idiot. Sometimes you just get trapped into a situation and you can't fix it. Do you even know what would happen to me if I left him? I would be disowned by my family and his as well. I would be a failure to them and it would all be my fault for not being willing enough to fix or live with how my marriage is.
What what have the 2 of you gone through together that is so heavy?
If you can't get past that, how are you going to handle the other stuff that comes down the pike?
C'mon, what's the big high school trauma you two went through together?
You've written pages and pages of petty stuff, surely you can write a few pages more of something that is apparantly very serious.
Chai Tea wrote:What what have the 2 of you gone through together that is so heavy?
If you can't get past that, how are you going to handle the other stuff that comes down the pike?
C'mon, what's the big high school trauma you two went through together?
You've written pages and pages of petty stuff, surely you can write a few pages more of something that is apparantly very serious.
Ok..if you really want to know I'll tell you. Would you rather me explain it all right here or start a new thread for all the others who don't understand?
kitkat_bar wrote:Chai Tea wrote:
Oh...and you've mentioned several times all these "things" the 2 of you have gone through together....like what? C'mon, fess up what big deal things you've gone through with him, then let me and some of the others here share what we've had to get past.
How old are you exactly?
What did you marry this guy for? It sure isn't for living in respect of each other, that's for sure.
I really wish I could tell you what I have been through with him but the truth . Do you even know what would happen to me if I left him? I would be disowned by my family and his as well. I would be a failure to them and it would all be my fault for not being willing enough to fix or live with how my marriage is.
You just love being the victim, don't you? Pathetic.
A family that prefers you stay in this miserable marriage is not worth pleasing.
As for traumatic events keeping people together - My great aunt married a person she survived The Holocaust with. When it turned out they were not right for each other she filed for divorce. Is your shared trauma equal to that?
On a more serious note
I don't believe in disrespecting what someone is going through at a particular moment in time. It depends on what you are strong enough for.
I know I've gone through stuff when I was not at all strong, and had a difficult time of it. Others may have looked at my situation and thought "what's the big deal?"
We all have those emotional fragile times in our lives.
Then, at other times, I have been stronger than steel, going far beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. Then, I've had friends tell me they can't believe I got through something.
Our resources vary and fluctuate throughout our lives.
When I was in high school, things happened that at the time made the world seem it was going to end....but it didn't. Today, I can laugh at some of them thinking....how silly....and honestly, some stuff I would still have to struggle with today. The silly does outweigh the serious however.
Thinking of the typical really bad stuff that can happen when in high school....an unwanted pregnancy, getting busted for drugs, raped....hey, none of them are easy to deal with....but the world does move on.
The thing is, you deal with it, learn the lesson, and move on.
There's a point in young adulthood where you have to look forward, not back going over again and again the stuff you went though, and how someone went through it with you.
OK, someone went through tough times with you, now what?
I don't believe people older than KK are necessarily making light of whatever it is, but are looking at it in the opinion of..."what, do you think that's all you're going to go through?"
KK - on another thread, blacksmith and I were arguing, very funny, haha.
But in truth, the stuff we were saying to each other are probably fairly close to the way you and your husband argue....silly words over silly stuff.
If you can't get past this petty stuff about dirty dishes, dish soap, burning cds, and who said something to who... you're going to remain a child.
I've posted the below before, from The Prophet by Kahlil Gilbran
To me, this is really what love is, if you're not willing to submit to the above, your love isn't really true...read this slowly, read several times....
This is some Really Heavy ****.
When Love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the North wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so he is for your pruning
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns to you his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
And these things shall love do unto you that you know the secrets of your heart,
And in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's Heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
For Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For Love is sufficient unto Love.
When you love you should not say " God is in my heart", but rather " I am in the heart of God."
And think not that you can direct the course of Love, for Love if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire than to fulfill itself,<
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody into the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;<
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Thank you Chai Tea for understanding, it really does help. And like I said before, I am young and have not experienced everything in the world so there are definatly others out there who have had it worse than me and think what I am going through to be trivial and they always will. But it isn't them that is experiencing these things at this moment in my life, it is me and I have to learn these life lessons just as everybody else does. It isn't fair to lump every one on this planet into one category and rate them all the same way of who experienced the worse because not everyone was brought up the same way.
I do find that the things my husband and I fight about are stupid sometimes, but EVERY married couple does it. There has never on this earth been a couple who didn't at least have a slightly or even minutly different opinion about ANY aspect of life with each other. There is no such thing as two people who think the EXACT same way as the other and has the exact same image in their head as the other in every single encounter and conversation in their lives. Us fighting about soap may be stupid to everyone here because you are not us, but I would bet money that anyone and everyone here has had a disagreement with their husbands or wives or significant others that someone else finds stupid.
I am not dwelling on the past. Those days are gone and over for me. The only reason I brought them up is because someone on here mentioned that I don't do everything and anything for my husband whenever he asks it of me, all I was trying to say is that our relationship goes deeper than just dish soap. It isn't really about the soap at all. It goes much deeper than that. Sometimes you just come to a point where something will send you over the edge and the only thing on your mind is getting how you feel off your chest. It never really was about the soap, it's just about respecting each other and being supportive. No inatimate object we encounter in life is ever worth fighting over.
Roxxxanne wrote:
You just love being the victim, don't you? Pathetic.
Figuring you openly admittidly stated only to be reading my posts for your own sick amusement and for a means to occupy yourself from boredom, any and all "advice" that comes out of your mouth is as tainted as toilet water and therefore meaningless to me.
Being young and not having experienced everything is no excuse. One important way of growing in a relationship is not airing your dirty laundry so much.
You also try to excuse your behavior by saying others do the same. Like my mother used to say to me..."if johnny jumped off the brooklyn bridge, would you?"
Using what you preceive others bad behavior to be as an excuse for yours will perpetually keep you in the muck, when you can rise above it all and soar.
That is what I was trying to convey in the quote from Gilbran (by the way, in case you didn't realize, the him in the first line does not refer to a man, but Love itself)....when you can completely bare your soul to another or a cause, and be reduced to your most essentail self, getting broken down from a complex structure to the basest, the flour that is ground down, the husks that are left on the threshing room floor, only then will you realize what Love is. When you are willing to have your essence reformed by Love to whatever Love best sees fit, you are ready to give yourself to another.
It's not interesting or fun to listen to you, to be quite honest. You are resistant in the utmost degree to taking any responsibility for yourself...It's always someone or something else to blame.
I challenge you to be bigger than that. Rise above your pettiness, aqusations and all that other BS. It might have been understandable in an immature teenager, but not a married woman.
You need to work on yourself before you can even begin to understand what a marriage really means.
You're right, I don't care what you've gone through with anyone, nothing new under the sun, as they say.
Whatareya going to do about Now?
I don't think I want to talk to you any more. At least not until you've grown up a little....I'll see you in a few years.
kitkat_bar wrote:Roxxxanne wrote:
You just love being the victim, don't you? Pathetic.
Figuring you openly admittidly stated only to be reading my posts for your own sick amusement and for a means to occupy yourself from boredom, any and all "advice" that comes out of your mouth is as tainted as toilet water and therefore meaningless to me.
Reading your posts is like watching a train wreck. You are in for one long hard life but I have no sympathy for you.
