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Wed 26 Apr, 2006 10:43 pm
...do the fights between married people get stranger over time? This thread applies to my other most recent thread. In my other thread I wrote:
"My husband has this...I'd love to call it a disorder...where when he gets it in his mind to do something, I better damn well feel the same way. For example, if he gets in the mood to clean house no matter what time of the day or night it is, I better want to do it to or I am a lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my ass all day."
The reason I wrote this was a fight I had with my husband over something so stupid they should make a comedy after us.
Ok so this was last wednesday and I was having a really REALLY crappy day. We're talking one of those crappy days where nothing goes right and one thing after another is bringing you down. Here's a little highlight of my day. My car got boxed in the garage by some jack ass and I had to wait 10 minutes, already being late for class, for him to come down and move his car. After I get out I rush by Staples to grab a poster board for my presentation but realized I had left my wallet at home and they wouldn't cash a check without ID. So I had to drive back home, grab my wallet, finnish my project with whatever I had lying around the house and rush to try to get to class....I didn't make it.
So after all of that, I left to go get my nails done. It's the only thing I do for me and me alone. On my way home my husband calls me and tells me to pick up dishwashing soap. I tell him I'm tired, exhausted, recovering from a bad day, and the only thing I want to do is get home and relax. He then demands that I go get it and tells me that he just did all this cleaning up at the house while I was gone, so I need to go get it now. I said firmly that I would swing by tommorrow and pick some up on the way home from school.
One thing lead to another and we broke out into this huge argument over him calling me a lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my ass all day. To make things even better, I am sitting in the driveway calling him to come down and open the garage for me so I could park my car in it cause I don't have a remote. He asks me, "are you going to get the soap?" I say, "tomorrow" and he hangs up on me. This went on for about three more times and I'm still listening to his insults. So I gave up and parked my car in front of the garage. I guess I got my revenge cause he couldn't get out of the garage the next day and had to move two cars on his own.
I am sorry kitkat, you have gotten very good advice in your previous
threads. You're obviously not willing to take them, so you have to live
with your decision. You either stop complaining, or you do something
about your situation.
Good luck!
No I like getting advice it really helps. I have taken a lot of advice from this forum and am very thankful for it. I just haven't taken the extreme opinion of some to divorce yet. The idea of us going to marriage counciling was taken from the advice of one right here in this forum, so was a lot of the serious talks I have had with my husband. Many of you have given me such good things to think about when talking with my husband. I feel that divorce is a very harsh thing to do because I made a commitment when saying "I do" and I feel like if I did divorce I would be becoming what I hate.
It's just you.
Sorry if that's harsh. And I don't just mean you, kkb, I mean the collective you, you and your husband.
You do not have to be treated this way. You need not take it. This does not have to be a life sentence.
There comes a time when trying to make it work turns into enabling a problem. Your husband seems to think it's just peachy to call you nasty names because your life isn't on the same schedule as his, and you're not reading from the precise same agenda. You wanna keep listening to his crap for the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years, when you are less attractive and less likely to perhaps remarry if you leave, when perhaps there are children involved who can get hurt, too, when perhaps verbal slaps have turned to physical ones, when everything else in your life is used up?
All that is happening by you hanging around is you are making it harder and harder to hit the road. People who divorce are not bad people. It's not a simple equation. Looking out for your own best interests is not being selfish; it's being practical and good to yourself. You deserve to not be treated like dirt.
Then again, like CJ said, you've been told this before. I don't expect to be listened to. I expect another reason for hanging around will be presented by you. Hey, go for it. Keep telling yourself how wonderful it is to stay, how important it is to be a martyr, and how just and righteous you are by beating this dead horse of a marriage. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but the gentle touch just ain't working. Not everyone finds love the first time around and not everyone marries the perfect person the first time around. Own up to it as a mistake and realize you need not become "what you hate" and you will feel a helluva lot better about things.
Best of luck to you.
The fights get weirder because the relationship continues sliding.
Get out.
Now.
Wish I could offer something pithy and witty, but it is in fact the two of you together. Entwined in this bizarre dance of tit for tat, you'll never be motivated to change because you're each too busy trying to one-up and control the other. Take it from someone who has been there and done all of that. You'd be doing him and yourself a large favor by leaving and getting on with your life.
I had to bite my tongue when I first read this last night - biting my tongue and rolling my eyes, I decided to hold off commenting until this morning. Now I see other posters have spoken for me, especially Jespah.
You have, to me, trapped yourself in a box of "stick it out or I'll be a bad person". That is a lifetime trap.
ossobuco wrote:You have, to me, trapped yourself in a box of "stick it out or I'll be a bad person". That is a lifetime trap.
And a dangerous one. You are basically telling this guy that it's okay to treat you like this. You can have all the serious talks you want to, but if you continue to allow him to act like this, it will just get worse.
marriage isnt about one upping each other.
it also doesnt revolve around the 'love high' you get after a cycle of anger and hatred.
That is similar to an abuse cycle and gets uglier and uglier as it goes on.
Divorce doesnt make you a bad person.
Neither does a temporary seperation.
Staying married in hopes to 'change ' someone and beat them at thier own game does.
It takes away from who you are and makes you into someone you wont recognize.
Any man who can openly call thier wife a bitch isnt a man in my eyes.
They are a punk.
Both of you sound like two little kids arguing.
I'm getting the picture every thing is a big drama for you.
You can become addicted to the drama. There's a certain high to be had from all this emotional angst. Unfortunately, like heroin, it's a bad addiction to have.
shewolfnm wrote:Any man who can openly call thier wife a bitch isnt a man in my eyes.
They are a punk.
I agree!
A REAL man calls his wife the "C" word.
Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:[I agree!A REAL man calls his wife the "C" word.
And then gets drunk and beats her, because he "loves" her. And, let's not forget, he's remorseful the next morning, promises to never do it again, and does it again that night.
You know, a winner.
Cutie Pie?
Cara Mia?
Can't live with out you?
oh no....stop me....
Can't laugh, and I can't sing...
finding it harding to do anything
because I feel bad when you sad...
I feel glad when you're glad...
I just can't liiiiiiiiive.......without you.....
You guys don't have to worry about being too harsh with me. I personally hate confrentations. I will go out of my way not to be in them. I hate fighting with him but he LOVES to push buttons with me. The problem with him is he thinks the name calling and telling me how I should be doing things is helping me. Him calling me a bitch doesn't bother me because I was calling people a bitch since I learned to talk. What bothers me is that since we are hardly on the same mind schedual, if I am relaxed curled up on the couch and he feels the need to clean something, it's when I refuse does the name calling come out.
Here is an actual honest question. Is there anything I can do to make him understand that name calling isn't healthy and neither is his constant obsession with me being on the same level with him all the time?
The reason why I have been sticking with this marraige is because my husband is battling his depression problems. Things are much better when he is on his meds than when he runs out. When he's on them he's very nice, likes to be cuddled, but when he's not on them he gets frustrated easily, the name calling comes out and we argue.
kitkat_bar wrote:You guys don't have to worry about being too harsh with me. I personally hate confrentations. I will go out of my way not to be in them. I hate fighting with him but he LOVES to push buttons with me. The problem with him is he thinks the name calling and telling me how I should be doing things is helping me. Him calling me a bitch doesn't bother me because I was calling people a bitch since I learned to talk. What bothers me is that since we are hardly on the same mind schedual, if I am relaxed curled up on the couch and he feels the need to clean something, it's when I refuse does the name calling come out.
Here is an actual honest question. Is there anything I can do to make him understand that name calling isn't healthy and neither is his constant obsession with me being on the same level with him all the time?
The reason why I have been sticking with this marraige is because my husband is battling his depression problems. Things are much better when he is on his meds than when he runs out. When he's on them he's very nice, likes to be cuddled, but when he's not on them he gets frustrated easily, the name calling comes out and we argue.
Honey, you're beating a dead horse here. If an adult doesn't know name calling is not good communication......
Screw his depression. Why's he run out of meds? That's a retorical question, doesn't matter what the reason is.
You just like the day to day drama, you're not gonna go anywhere because it's your entertainment.
Just leave him and be done with it.
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