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May 8, 2003
Baby Got Back (Part I of II)
How can I convince my boyfriend to let me in his back door?

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Hey Ladies,

My boyfriend and I have been having anal sex for a while now, and I love it. But I think it's my turn to be in the driver's seat. Unfortunately he's totally freaked out at the prospect. While he likes a little external massage on his hole every now and then, he says that's as far as he's willing to go. How can I convince him to give strap-on sex a try?

?- Rear Admiral
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Dear R.A.,

We thought you'd never ask: We've been waiting for a question like this since we started writing the column more than three years ago. The world would be a better place if more straight men got fucked, and we want to change the world, one tushy at a time.

If your boyfriend already likes a little external rubbing, your battle is half won: He knows that good things can happen back there. The anal area is chock-full of nerves, after all. And if he'd only let you probe a little deeper, he might discover for himself that his prostate, just a few inches in, isn't called the male G-spot for nothing.

Unfortunately his lifelong prejudices about what straight sex should look like may be preventing him from opening his back door to a brave new world of pleasure. At the core of it all is the whole manly-man notion that straight dudes should be the aggressors, the thrusters, the penetrators, the flat tire changers. Being on the receiving end is for women and gay men only ?- kind of like Sex and the City. But despite what Mr. Santorum would have you believe, there are no homosexual acts (or even heterosexual acts, for that matter), only acts of pleasure between consenting adults, whether gay, straight, or bi. Nerve endings are nerve endings ?- they don't have sexual orientations or political agendas. Which doesn't mean that you don't, of course. But how you identify is not about what's being done to you, it's about who's doing it.

Sure, turning the tables is a bit of a mind ****, but isn't that what makes sex so great? Doing what's "expected" in the bedroom is like a tranquilizer to your love life ?- having sex that would shock the Joneses is what keeps things hot. The harder a taboo is for you to break (assuming we're not talking about pets or kids), the greater the reward on the other side. Besides, this is the twenty-first century, people: Women change tires and bring home the bacon. They deserve the chance to do a little porking.

But maybe your ball-and-chain's concerns are less psychological than they are physical. Maybe he's worried you'll leave him in diapers for the rest of his life. Well yes, ramming him with a soup can at Mach 3 sans lube could cause some serious damage. You've got to build up slowly and always love with care, as we hope your boyfriend did with your ass (though no amount of endurance training or TLC will make a soup can work). If you've only ever tickled his surface, you can't expect to start with a strap-on. That would be like attempting moguls on your first day on the ski slope, or choosing a spouse based on six episodes of a reality TV show. Start with some gentle pinky-finger poking. And use lube. Spit won't cut it, so try a hardy manmade lubricant like the aptly-named Probe. Your boyfriend can also practice in the shower by sticking a finger back there and learning to relax on his own time, on his own terms. And hey, anal hygiene is always a good thing.

Speaking of hygiene, as long as your boyfriend gets enough fiber in his diet (it's all about the clean wipe), evacuates his bowels completely before the blessed event (fiber will help with that), and keeps a clean house, there's little chance of staining the sheets, your finger, or your dildo. No "ews" from the peanut gallery, we're all adults here. (Hey Lo, pull my finger!)

Finally, if your boyfriend isn't an early adopter and usually runs with the pack, perhaps you could sway him with this tidbit we learned from the good ladies at Good Vibrations: Over the past year, they've noticed a rather significant increase in harness and dildo sales. In fact, more and more hetero couples are shopping at their California stores together and purchasing strap-on gear as well as the how-to video "Bend Over Boyfriend." See? It's practically mainstream!

Tune in next week for part two: Buying and using My First Strap-On.

Back-door friends are best,
Em & Lo

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