how crazy is this I mean its insane why am i considering it

Wha...?

Why do you have to get married right off?

I mean, so you guys are compatible, great, start seeing each other, see what happens.

But get MARRIED?! Why?

hey cos they mad it's like crazy... i feel like I fell into the middle ages here!!! strangley exhilarating and so F@#%$ed up maybe they like yeah spend a month here then we arrange the wedding, oh and it's hard to see each-other when ones in barazil the other in south africa.

But I think the dad thinks he is going to die soon and wants to see his children married.

Myabe I like the idea cos it's so planned compare to well you know my past?

I know what you mean, I guess, but this isn't so much planned as... um... INSANE!

Heh.

If the dad thinks he's going to die soon, that's sad 'n' all but it's not actually your problem -- not to the extent that you'd take such an enormous leap for his sake, anyway. I mean, entertaining the idea of being with his son, fine, starting to date his son, fine, but just up and MARRYING him?!

Ay-yi-yi.

hmm I think the father is off his tree although thoroughly charming, he's not going to die. I think his plan is for me to come there spend some time and get his son and I hooked up he was even talking about buying houses with my parents which my mother told me.

tagged_lyricist- There is an old saying........"Marry in haste, repent at leisure".

It all sounds so netherworldly and glamorous. But you don't really even know the guy. Get to know him before you make any committments!

I guess I can sort of see the appeal of this (maybe part of what got you really thinking was the half-naked man standing before you...hello!).

But really, there is something about it that I can imagine is appealing to a young woman nowadays. This situation has the benefit of being: all set up, approved by your family and will give you a huge support system and ready-made life, there is the appeal of adventure and being fussed over by tonnes of people.
A lot different than having to sludge around looking for a guy who may or may not get along with the family, may or may not work out and want to marry you, dating...etc.

BUT...

What if you marry this guy and you find out you hate it?!

You would be royally screwed. It would be so so difficult to get out of that one!

yes I suppose the appeal is the instant sorta of just add water idea here. Hmm well i'm gonna take it slow cos his paren'ts can't make me do anything and well at least I know if i do decide to marry him it's not that hard.

oh and he did taste pretty good to... sigh.

I have friends who had their marriage arranged. They met each other a day before the wedding. They have been happily married for 20 something years.

I hesitate to pass judgement on this being insane. Arranged marriages often work out much better than love matches.

They can, but I don't think this is the situation in which it would be likely to work.

tagged_lyricist has talked elsewhere about recently sobering up/ getting clean, and trying to find out who she is without the context of drugs. That's one of the biggest red flags for me.

There are a bunch of other things that sound off, also.

Arranged marriages CAN work -- but this particular situation sets my teeth on edge.

Well then.

Never mind.

I wasn't aware that there were so many complications to consider.

I think people tend to have a gut reaction against arranged marriages when they actually work out better than most other marriages.

I have heard of that boomerang and soz the other thing that I liked about him is hsi complelte lack of drug use. I'm not saying i'm going to run off and get married tomorrow but some how there seems to be a lot that's apppealing about this notion.

Boomerang I suppose it would be more of a liberal arranged marraige as they couldn't force me into it unless i agreed 9regardless of what parents think).

I think it's the whole straight edged side (although he is a party animaL) there's no drugs involved even the liquor intakes is moderate.

tagged_lyricist- I think that arranged marriages may work in cultures where they are the norm. The expectation of the young girls is that her folks will arrange the marriage. In your case, and with your history, I would go very slowly, if I were you.

There is something about this whole scenario that sounds like you perceive this guy as the man on the "white horse", who will save you from yourself. That is great in fairy tales, but won't work in real life.

Again, if you guys hit it off, coolness -- (although I see the wisdom in the stuff about waiting for a while before getting into a relationship, too). It's the whole thing about gallivanting off to another country (do you even speak the language?) and knowing, presumably, only your new husband and his family and all of that. Still not saying there is no way it would work, but eek.

no ways if i was to consider this it firstly between me and gabe and then the families. It could go very wrong, and no i don't see him as the white horse rather as very very convient and suiting in many ways but time would tell the rest. I'd have to spend a couple of months with him the problem (or maybe the positive) is it would be with him and his family in their home but as direct and keen as they can be gabe and I would have to really dig each other in one way (cos there's many ways to like some one you have to live with) or the other.

All i'm saying is I've spent my whole life trying to be rebellious and been very lonely or disappointed and maybe there is some truth to people from similar backgrounds understanding each other more (i've had black boyfriends, afrikaans boyfriends and indian but never jewsih just really to annoy the folks). And in a way it's so nice to be in eviroment were i don't have to explain my culutre or he has to explain his.

t_l--



Part of the charm of this potential marriage for you seems to be the solid, parental approval.

Another attraction is the arranged inevitability which could let you off the hook if the marriage didn't work out. After all, it wouldn't be your fault--you were/talked/pressured/dragooned into the relationship.

Marriage isn't a way to grow up--first you grow up, then you get married.

He's probably a nice guy and they're probably a nice family, and that clouds things considerably. But the rush rush rush to get married is, like you see, insane.

You are not the only Jewish gal out there by any means. Oof, they could be doing this to my cousin, H___. Are you H___ by any chance?

Anyway, my point is that while your Jewishness is probably a factor for them here, it can't or shouldn't be the dealmaker, nor should it be the dealbreaker. So it's something else.

Either they want you bad, or they want him to get married, bad. No offense, but I think it's less that they want you than that they want him to be wed. ASAP.

Why? Why would a family want their kid to be married to a gal they've all known for less than a week? One word -- and don't hit me for this -- they suspect he's gay. You said it yourself: . While they (and probably I) may be reading it wrong, I wonder if that's not the reason for the urgency. I don't mean to be insulting and I hope you don't take it that way, but there are reasons for everything and the quick quick quick get married before she smartens up and changes her mind aspect of this has me concerned. And it should really concern you, too.

Arranged marriages, as has been pointed out, can work out rather well. But this is not how they are done, or at least it's not how they are done in places like India where quite a few more of them are done every year.

I will tell you how it happened for my friend, S___ (he's a he). He was told of a number of young ladies. Since we're all modern people, this was by phone or email (he was in Boston at the time, and his folks were still in Chennai, India). Emails came with pictures, usually, and sometimes he would show me and our other mutual friends and some of these were spectacularly beautiful girls. And we would comment sometimes (the pictures always came with a blurb about the girl). What these girls all had in common was that, in some way, somehow, their families knew S___'s family. He ended up marrying L___, who is the daughter of a friend of his father's. This was about three years ago and, so far as I know, they're very happy together. And L___, by the way, had seen pictures of S___ before their wedding and had a right of refusal. They communicated via email and phone before the wedding, too.

The upshot of it is that at least that form of an arranged marriage was not just an arrangement for the couple, it was also an arrangement for their families. It was like networking. There was nothing whirlwind about it. It may be different in this case but I hardly think this family is going to be swept off their feet by anyone unless it's for a big red-flag-y type of reason. Don't they want the best for their son? And don't they want to make sure that things are going to work out, as sure as any of us can be, before committing to anything?

You say he tasted good, so I am assuming there was some kissing involved, and that's sweet and lovely and it's, well, it's a part of dating. Dating. Not jumping to get married. This is not a burning building that you have to rush out of. It's a marriage. If waiting is a problem for these people, then they are loaded with problems. Don't get married to those problems, no matter how serene and secure this all looks right now. You can get married next year or in two years or never to this guy. Just like I said you're not the only Jewish gal out there, he's not the only Jewish guy, either. A little stepping back, thinking and getting to know one another better, before committing, will only do you good. He may be the one. And if he is, I wish you happiness. But there's still time to decide that. Don't get railroaded into a wedding. You will regret it.

err okay gay no, don't think there's a chance in hell my grandfathers gay, I have very good gaydar, and trust me with gay men in the family and around the family all the time I know a gay man. If anything he's one of the most comfortable males i've met about their sexaulity (perhaps a little too comfortable some sexism i'm sure). I think he's the "rebel" in their family.

no I'm not hung up on the jewishness, they are , and agreed not the only jewish person was just at club with loads but they are like most people; annoying, and well he isn't and i suppose i'm no to him, but i don't plan on being railroaded into anything not in my nature. The only thing in my nature that I know I fall victim too is impulsiveness. But at the same time I landed up at film school on an impulse and never looked back, I landed up Djing on an impulse and love it and am pretty dam good at it.

oh and maybe I should expand on the mommy's boy thing he is very affectionate to his mother and his mother is pretty dam fond of him, i mean look they are close knit family. Too me it's kinda cute that he's not at all concerned about snuggling up to his mother whenever he feels like it. And in general he's pretty warm with everyone. The whole family hugged kissed me more times then i can rememeber