Advice from women?

Montana,

You ROCK!

Awww shucks!!! Thank yee and right back at ya Momma :-D

I think, in trying to project an air non-chalance (mostly to defend the sensitive, vunerable person I secretly am), I may have given everyone the wrong idea about me. I'm a romantic, I really am, I dream every day of getting married, of having a sweet woman with me everyday, someone to love me for who I am while I do the same in return. BUT, that said, being a romantic at heart doesn't really help (and if I were to treat women like meat, I might actually get some once in a while). That's not what I'm looking for though, so please, don't think I'm just some loser who wants nothing but to score and move on, who's more concerned about the notches in his belt than love, because that's not me at all.

I'm so sorry if I offended you with the meat comment because I wasn't directing that at you. I just put that out there for all men, really!
Anyway, I'm not judging you in the least and truly had no idea of your intentions when I posted my response. I was just covering all the bases.
You know, I have no problem with men who just want to get laid as long as they don't stoop to manipulating the woman to get what they want.
There are plenty of women out there who just wanna get laid too, so they don't have to lie.

Ok, so you're not just looking to get laid and I respect you for that.
Romance is great, but don't overwhelm a woman with it at the beginning. Get to know eachother first.
You could start small by asking her to go out for coffee at a nice coffee shop where you could talk and see if you click. If not, you go your seperate ways. No harm done.
If you do click with eachother, you'll know and you can take it from there :-D

Re: Advice from women?


I'd first tell him to be "himself." Don't ever try to be someone you aren't ....... just to be something you think I want. That never works in the long run - for either party.

Be my friend - FIRST! Anything that builds upon that is meant to be there and doesn't need to be rushed.

Guys that are arrogant never get to first base with me. Arrogance never looks good on either sex.

And speaking of sex ..... a guy that wants to please me as much as I want to please him .... will keep me begging for more. Nuff' said.

A guy with a big heart definitely gets noticed by me. He will smile at a baby in much the same way that he smiles at the elderly. It's a smile that radiates more from his eyes, then his lips. Showing the soft, caring side of him. He doesn't need to act macho'. And he knows it.

I don't think I could ever be truely happy with someone that was not affectionate. I love to cuddle too much.

A decent relationship has a healthy balance of good things ~ with a mixture of not so good things thrown in. No relationship is perfect, but a good relationship will find a way to work through the bad, while still keeping the good intact.








HEY Montana !!!! Geeeesh, it's been a LONG time girlfriend!! Soooooo good to see you, my friend. BIG BIG BIG BIG HUG!!!
((((Montana))))

HEY Brooke!!!! :-) So awesome to see you too :-D
Great advice, as usual and I miss the heck out of you too!!!!
It's been too long!


(((((Brooke))))))

Matter goes thru three different states solid, liquid and gaseous when it is progressively heated. Is it not possible that people go thru the same metamorphosis as their emotions get charged by the presence of the opposite sex? So what is 'normal' when the mental state is on a heightened state of alert. A man's mental state is turned to mush so it is not possible to be 'himself' as everyone suggests.

Talk
Are you saying that men can't be themselves around a woman they are attracted too?

Re: Advice from women?
omg, you love to snuggle AND you're beatiful, it's really too bad I swore off internet relationships.... for me that is, you're probably lucky

Oh, and someone mentioned guys brains turning to mush around girls they like, that's exactly true, but it's not JUST mush, it's warm mush that sloshes around and occasionally randomly spurts out one's ears, or worse, mouth, and no one can know which part it is that will come out!

Montana, it has an effect. The more attractive the greater the effect. Depends on what attracts the person - body, feet, personality, facial beauty, color of eyes, color of hair, shape of nose, whatever. Only by repeated proximity where the effect is nullified i.e. familiarity does lessen the excitation. The excited state is normal unless that emotional energy is somehow diluted or siphoned off.

Talk
LOL! Ok, I'll give you that, but I was thinking more about men who intentionally con a woman.
You know the ones who pretend to be the oppisite of who they actually are.
I've had guys tell me so many bullsh!t stories that after a while I started hearing the same stories from different guys, lol!
This is really frustrating when you're single and kinda waiting for a nice honest guy to sweep you off your feet.
I'm 42 years old and I'm still single because I got tired of hearing the same old bullsh!t stories. I got tired of the con.
Now before all you guys get mad at me, know that I'm not refering to all men, just the ones I meet, lol.

I hate the guys with a "script." I dated this one guy and he broke up with me after about six weeks of dating. Of course, we were in love, well, thought we were. Well, he broke up with me because he just couldn't handle caring that much for someone. It was just too much for the poor dear to handle. He was so sensitive.

HA! A bunch of us girls got together one night and started talking about guys and guess what? Four other of the girls had gone through the very same thing with this guy! He had a "script". Probably still does.

So Perplexed, this is my point. BE REAL! BE HONEST! BE YOU! No games. No manipulating! The Momma has spoken. :wink:

hehe, thank you, but I kinda already knew that.

This is embarassing for me to talk about, but 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't really have any friends, or anyone to talk to, and even though I'm deathly afraid of something going wrong, all I want in life is a girlfriend. How do I break the ice, and meet women, especially when I'm so nervous when I talk to them?

See, this is where the friend thing I was talking about in the other thread really applies. If you don't currently have any friends to speak of, approach women just as potential friends. Some of 'em will become friends, and be able to introduce you to THEIR friends -- and maybe one of the ones you approach in a nice low-key way will end up being more.

First, though, get yourself in a situation where you can approach them in a nice, low-key way. Take classes, that kind of thing.

Yes, this 'opposite sex effect' affects both sexes. The attractive one can and do manipulate. The males usually are usually tall, handsome, smooth talking, assured and could be well off. To be truthful most males do not want to be tied down esspecially those in their twenties and early thirties, some are looking for mates, some not interested and others no luck.

It is the attractive ones of both sexes who in constant company of the opposite sex would be most immune to being excited and can think clearly.

It really boils down to the person if he/she wants to hurt the other or in pursuit of their desires don't think of the effect it has on the 'victim'.

The key word is considerate.

Perplexed
Ok, I see your problem now and I can understand why it's extra tough for you.
Believe it or not, I'm probably just as shy and nervous as you are around men that I like and I thank god that I'm a woman, so I don't have to ask a guy out, since the guys have always been the ones to break the ice (and my heart, lol).
If I was a guy, I swear I would have been just like you.
I would have been so scared to ask a woman out that I just wouldn't.
Solving the problem is another story and I honestly don't know how you can get more of that confidence you need.
I will say that a few drinks always helped me to relax around a guy who makes me weak in the knees, lol.
I'm not being of any help, am I?

Ok, I'll stop rambling now, haha.

Perplexed, I'm not sure what the limitations of your disorder are ; I don't want to advise a guy whose 5 feet tall to learn how to slam dunk. (Purely metaphorically speaking.) But if it is at all possible for you to get into some kind of a position -- it can be volunteer -- where you HAVE to speak to people, I'd recommend it. If you have a cause you believe in, sign up for knocking on doors to further it/ get petitions/ whatever. You learn what works and what doesn't work in a general way, and you start to get used to it just because you have to. It's one of those things that would probably be miserable at the beginning but would be really usefull after a while.

But again, if your limitations are such that you simply wouldn't be able to, don't want to push you.

Ah Perplexed, thank you...

I feel like I just learned so much about you from your link on Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I can totally empathize with you and how you may feel when someone says...well just go out and socialize! It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

You know though, you may be able to turn that into a plus, in a way....

Do they have support groups for APD? That may sound like an oxymoron, but in a support group, it's a more structured environment where you may feel free to talk a little more, knowing that others are in the same boat.

Have you some traits in mind that you would find attractive in a woman?

Would you feel more compatible with someone who is quiet? Studious? Music Lover?....

Here are some generalities I've learned throughout the years....

The younger you are, the more you are apt to think everyone in scrutinizing everything you do.....honestly, they are not....they are busy watching themselves.

People sometimes talk about chemistry between two people. I believe that, again when you are younger, you probably don't have the experience to differentiate between chemistry and, well, lust.

BTW - I'm going to keep mentioning age, don't be offended, or be defensive. The fact of the matter is, someone like, for instance me, who has simply had the opportunity to have experienced many more things than you may have, is because I've had more than twice and much time walking around on this planet than you have, and more than 7 times the amount of time as you have being a legal adult....so....I suppose I'm the voice of experience you hear about, and a woman to boot.

Have you ever met someone, male or female, that right from the start you just felt comfortable with right off the bat? You just seem to understand the other so well.

Well, sometimes that happens on a atomic level when meeting a person you are attracted to...oh, it has to happen to BOTH of you....

When I was 30, I met the man I eventually married....we talked, but not as much as you might think...we were just comfortable.

You can meet a potential girlfriend anywhere, a support group, the library, a lecture....find a venue that is non threatening to you.

Do you take the bus anywhere?
Maybe get on a bus one day, and just take it somewhere, maybe go the whole route. You might not see anyone interesting, but you might.

Let's say you say hi to her, and she blows you off......easy, get off at the next stop.

However, if you don't come across as a stalker , it's easy enough to flare up a conversation....you can comment to a stranger about something unusual outside the window, making a little joke about it.

The majority of people want to be loved and to be special to someone else perplexed. Keep in mind when you are feeling ackward about talking to someone, you might just be making their day by just making them feel special for a moment.

oh oh oh....one other thing....let's say you see someone and they look up at you......smile, and not one of those quick lip twitches with the eyes sliding away, and also not one of those big grins that makes the girl think..."He's off his meds"

just an easygoing "hi" type of smile....and make sure you eyes are smiling also...you know how you can see the difference between a hollow mouth only fake smile, and one that spreads to the eyes and says to the other person...I see you, and I'm smiling at you because you seem nice.

Practice that smile in the mirror...doesn't really matter what the mouth does...the message is in the eyes.

Does that help?

This is how things always went with me. For example, I'd go to a friends house where a few people would drop in. On of them is this real cute guy and after a while we end up talking and getting to be friends. Usually by the end of the day I knew if I wanted to spend more time with this guy.
I never dated much because it never worked (especially the blind dates), so I also think it's a good idea to get to places where you can meet people.
Any classes that you might be interested in would be great. A lot of single people take classes just for that reason or because they are single and this gives them something to do. Either way, a lot of single people take classes ;-)
So I agree with Sozobe in saying that you would need to get out there where you can meet people.
A very good long time friend of mine met her husband through a dating service and she is very very shy.
She didn't go to clubs and had very few friends. She never went anywhere where she could meet people, so she tried this dating service and along came her future husband.
She went through a few guys in the dating service before she met hubby, but they are still happily married after about 17 years of marriage.
Just a thought.

Why is this though? God it's annoying... :wink:

I was going to post in Slappy's thread (nice work by the way Slappy) about that important distinction between inner confidence and that brash, overbearing, dishonest confidence, you know, the kind a lot of guys force upon themselves sometimes.

The inner confidence was raised in the other thread and I thought it was a great point, it's an honest, understated confidence that comes from not only understanding just who you are, but, being truly comfortable with that perception and exploring it. I guess this last part hasn't really applied to me in 5 years now which is a bugger to say the least.

Nice sub-forum though, I've been watching these 2 threads move along over the past few days or so, honestly feeling I knew and agreed with huge amounts already but still it was very fun to read.