Great relationship, poor communication

Started the thread thinking "narcissist," but now thinking maybe he's just used to doing the talking?

Be persistent about talking about what you want to talk about, and my suggestion is that you are explicit about what you need. Do you need him to listen? Do you need him to offer advice? Do you need to validate your feelings?



My dad is the worst for turning the conversation around to topics he's interested in. Sooner or later, it all ends up at "airplanes."

Hmmm...

It sounded like he was cutting off YOUR train of thought -- that you'd start with something about therapy, and then he'd jump in with the card stuff before you were finished. That's what I've been referring to in terms of HOLD UP and putting your foot down, anyway.

Is there enough time for you guys to talk about everything you need to talk about? Maybe that's one way you could approach the problem, if not?

If there is enough time, it seems like it could be win-win; he talks about his card game stuff, you talk about what you need to talk about. If not, maybe you can say something like, "I'm so happy the card stuff is looking promising and I'm really interested in the latest. However, I also really want to talk about other stuff. How about if we [insert practical suggestion for more time here]."

I agree about the police analogy -- I think it's easy to get him feeling defensive when he's not necessarily doing anything that bad, and if the goal is solving the problem that's not necessarily the best way to start things.

I still don't really have a feel for how this plays out -- would you be willing to give an example?

Like, if it's that he comes home and you say "How was your day, honey?" and he launches in to a neverending monologue, you could adjust by not asking and taking control of the conversation first (and then asking when you're finished).

If it's that you tend to do other things first and then settle down somewhere and start talking, and he starts first and doesn't quit, you could say right when he gets home, "Remind me later that I have some stuff from therapy I want to share with you" and then if he opens his mouth first say, "Hold on, I wanted to talk to you about the therapy first stuff, then will be very interested in getting updated on the card game."

Etc. Depends on how it plays out though.

Here, this is what I was going by:



I'd love to see what happens if you just don't let that happen. Have you ever tried taking it that far? Not one attempt, but just not letting the conversation continue in any other direction?

Example-

Friday night, ( first night in a long time I got alone time with a friend -woohoo) I got in a little after 12.

I walked into the room and he asked if I had fun.
I said oh yeah!! I began to tell him about my friends husband who spun fire in the front yard for an hour or so . I said - " He has several wieght looking things on the end of a chain that create different size fire balls to create a great illusion. He offered us to go out there sometime and you can see it as well. I think you would enjoy it . You two have alot in common"
He responce- " You know this program I bought to put on the computer has me stumped. I have been working on it for almost 2 hours and ....." ( on and on) When he was done with that train of thought, he turned to me and said " So, you were saying you had fun?"

thats funny because I used to think that about his father. Then I really listened to Ian one time when he was playing the conversation leader ..
and
truthfully, it is just a non stop train of thought that just keeps going and going.
What he is doing is simply saying what is on his mind.
What he ISNT doing is thinking about what other people may want to talk about, or how they feel about listening to his constant train of thought.

does that make sense?

Why didn't you interrupt at the ellipses and say "Hey, I wasn't finished?!"

I just realized I'm lucky in that I have one invaluable tool -- in that situation, I'd just look away until E.G. came to his senses, got my attention, and said, "Sorry, I'll go into that later. So, you had fun...?" ;-)

Yes I have. And that is when I get the " I was only looking for your input on this and that".. or the " I was working on this all day and it is still on my mind. ( usually a good apology ) and Im sorry I wasnt listening"
By the end of the conversation, we would have slowly returned to gaming and computer stuff...

<Mrs. Walter used to phone me [home telephone system]: "I know, you would listen to that">

What happens when you say, "Great, I understand, and I'd love to talk to you about it AFTER I finish what I'm in the middle of saying..."?

very VERY true.. soz.



the more I think about this, the more Im thinking that , in order to really make a diffrence with this problem im going to have to do some pretty harsh follow through.
After I open up the conversation with him about his de-railing, I may have to..for a few days.. interupt HIM and point it out to him exactly WHEN he does this.
I know he doesnt realize it. So, i guess Im going to have to step on his toes a few times with it and see where that takes me.. ?

I think that might be instructive -- I think you can do it in a lighthearted way, without being mean about it, but just simply not let things move on until you're done saying what you want to say.

Personally, I'd take the anti-derailing steps first -- before the discussion -- to see how that goes. Could be that he takes it well, and that's that. You have a new tool and a new way to approach the situation. Then if he doesn't take it well, you have something specific to talk about. ("Have you noticed that lately I've been trying to be more assertive about getting my two cents in when we talk?" Etc.)

shewolf, you're agonizing over the perfect approach to raising a topic with your SO. it's bout time he learned that women are emotional. (i'm kidding, don't throw anything at me. )

hmm, dunno, shewolf. i wouldn't fight fire with fire. he might a) not notice at all and you'll just be more frustrated, or b) he might even enjoy it and you'll start a word war...and you'll just be more frustrated...

honest gentle conversation and then a reminder every time when he forgets should probably do the trick.

honest gentle conversation and then a reminder every time when he forgets should probably do the trick.
Indeed.

Dag had a good point, but do you have the patience for that? He may Never Ever change. You could be reminding him your entire life. About the same things!!

Have you tried ignoring him when he rambles? Just walking away, giving him no attention?!

Those ramblers sometimes respond and 'wake up' when the audience is gone. Then, when he notices you're gone and comes to find you, just jump in with your own thoughts first. Point out that he was 'drifting'. Make a joke or something.

I don't know though; really depends on your hubby.

weeellll, it may come to that. but shouldn't all problem-solving start with a conversation and attempts to stick to what was agreed upon? if not possible, naturally one then has to resort to harsher measures...

I don't think it needs to get testy. I'm assuming he is clueless about how he's been taking over the convo, so give him a clue. There's no indication that he doesn't care about SheW or her feelings. Chances are she'll have to show him the error in his ways a few times but I think the point can be made without arguement. SheW, even if he falls into current habits periodically it's worth it to get it out in the open now and take the future from there.

Mr B tends to be a perfectionist and has a habit of pointing out what's wrong with the world. It can be annoying as hell, but he doesn't hear himself doing it. We've talked it through and every so often I might have to ask him to step back and listen to himself and try to see the glass half full for a while, even if it's only for my sake. A simple reminder is all it takes.

Depends on the problem, IMO.

Say that her hubby snores terribly and it bothers her a lot. She can store up her annoyance and then eventually come out with, "Honey, I know that it runs in the family but my therapist and I have been working on things and I have to be more assertive about the fact that it DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY BATTY and you MUST figure out a way for it to stop!!!!"

Or, she can go to the store, get some of those nose strips, hand them to him, and say, "Hey, my friend says these help a lot with snoring, want to give it a try?"

There are a lot of elements here and that's an imperfect analogy, so to just summarize my take on this one, I think that it's too possible that the problem will be solved if she just holds her ground for her to go straight to the Talking About This Serious Problem stage. Even if it's done eminently gently, the whole "you are doing something wrong and I don't like it" vibe pretty much inevitably gets the wrong-doer's back up. That often makes it more difficult to ultimately solve the problem.

It sounds too likely that Mr. Wolf is assuming that if shewolf wants to talk, she'll talk, and if she's not talking, he can. That's not an entirely unwarranted assumption, and it seems more fair to me to make it entirely, no-chance-of-misinterpretation clear to him that she wants to talk first and see how he reacts to that. It could be that if she gives some nice clear unambiguous information, he'll sit up and pay attention and that's that, problem solved.

If not, she has given it an honest try instead of when The Talk commences leading straight to the obvious question (from him) of "why didn't you say something?"

(This sounds like classic male/ female communication divide as described by Deborah Tannen...)

(J_B came in when I was typing, my "depends" was in reaction to dag, I very much agree with J_B's comments about it not needing to be an argument.)

having spend a bit of time with the mr and the mrs, I would opine that both prefer being dominant in coversation. Could this be the problem?