Time to get more cigars - chuckle - as the 42nd!
@Chumly,
My wife is the same, and I've asked the same question. I've read the expected unthinking cliche answers on this post (spouting of worldview rather than trying to help), hoping for something "outside the box". In my wife's case, it's gotten worse as she's getting older, though perhaps there is a component of my own less tolerance with aging as well.
When I've tried "heart-to-heart" she just gets defensive. Negotiating or talking won't help. She's proud of being graceless.
I was hoping for some kind of behavioral trick or hack.
Has she ALWAYS been like this, only you didn't really see it? sometimes our greatest attributes can become our defects. The character was always there, now as she gets older, it gets exaggerated.
Two other things: Hearing loss and depression.
Short temper and explosive behavior can be a sign of depression.
She may have a physical problem, too, like the loss of hearing. Is she in pain? That can make you nasty, too. Is she sleeping? Lack of sleep can really make a person cranky.
You don't say how old this princess is. May I ask?
When is the last time she had a full physical?
Hurting people hurt other people.
I noticed this happening to my mother, and I attributed it to a few horrors that accompanied aging. As Punky suggested, hearing loss, depression, a regression to advanced childishness.... Hers seemed almost like a calculated defiance to calibrate the love/devotion of family. "I'm an old bird, see, yeah, I'm a mean old bird who's earned the right to speak my mind and not mince words anymore, see" like some demented old Edward G Robinson in drag. She says the most hideous **** in full throat in public, like she's got us all on Candid Camera, and how I wish we had that excuse for her insane Grown Ass Honey Boo Boo Sideshow, but Allen Funt never popped out from behind
any potted plant. I dont know if something snaps when you hit your mid-60s, or if you just don't give a **** any more. I'm so sorry, Chum. At least I can get away from mom.
Aha. Gotcha. I fell into a habit of doing this to my husband. I lost respect for him because he began a pattern of not doing what he said he would do. Over a period of time when this behavior increased and became predictable, I began to lose respect for him, and I accrued a pretty solid reserve of resentment over hearing his promises or agreements - knowing he was full of it and just saying what he thought he had to say to shut me up or falsely dismiss a problem that needed to be addressed.
I would have MUCH preferred him to actually think about what I was asking or the issue our family was facing, decide if he could and would do it - and tell me the truth. Or have an actual mindful conversation where he related the facts as he saw them and the two of us work out a fair solution to the problem.
If you engage in this way with her, you are doing your part. If she continues to treat you with a lack of respect - this will work:
1. When she arrives at the level of disrespect that you will no longer tolerate, patiently and calmly warn her that she's there. (Honey, your tone toward me right now is no longer acceptable to me. Let's take a minute and calm down before we discuss this.) or (What you just said is insulting to me. I'm going to give you some time to think about what you just said - and we'll try again later.)
2. I expect she'll scoff at this and blast forth again. Every time she does, calmly leave. Get in your car and leave the house. Not in a huff or with squealing tires. Go somewhere peaceful or take a nice drive, a friend's house, a coffee shop, a recreation park to watch a few innings of Little League, anywhere that may be peaceful or enjoyable. Do not answer the phone if she calls. Do not worry about her.
(Explanation: When your wife is lording forth over you, she feels a sense of control over you. When you leave, she's lost all control - and goes from dominating you to being askance, worried, a bit guilty that she ran you out. You just turned her world on its ear. Let her marinate in that for a while. The only sound she hears are her insulting words reverberating through her head.)
3. Initially, I'd only stay gone for about thirty minutes. If she keeps testing you, you may want to extend your absence to catching a movie with a friend or spending an afternoon with friends.
4. Every time you return, give her a clean slate: Do you want to talk about...(the issue).
5. If she can then approach you in a way you deserve to be talked to, reward her with thoughtful listening, some kind physical affection. It definitely doesn't mean caving. ("I hear your concerns about the dog, but your insistence that I walk him three times/thirty minutes/whatever seems excessive to me. Since I have responsibility for the dog, I'll continue to do what I'm doing. If that's not good enough for you, I support you walking him in excess to what I'm doing. I've heard you; You've heard me. I won't be amending my dog walking, and we don't need to revisit this particular issue.")
6. If she brings more of the same demeaning treatment, leave again or excuse yourself to some privacy elsewhere in the house. Refuse to countenance her disrespect. If she gets away with degrading you, she will keep doing it.
But if you've given her reason to distrust you or disrespect you due to a pattern of not holding up your end of agreements, for example, you owe her a change in that behavior.
Good luck. Nobody needs to feel a bunker mentality in their own home.
