Wife Too Aggressive & Loud

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My wife is the aggressive active type with a loud voice and an assertive demeanor.

She often may, when she does not understand something, or know how to deal with it, raise her voice, talk faster, and switch to more critical/adversarial/abusive behaviors, that are out of context for the situation.

Needless to say, the chances for amiable resolution goe down accordingly.

So when things are 100% going alright with her, she is fine, but it does not take very much to set her off.

What can be done to shift her into acting in a warm loving constructive manner despite her proclivity to being really edgy when things don't go smoothly?

If you need more info/background please ask!

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duct tape

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staple gun and bailing wire.

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LOL!

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1900's treatment for hysteria

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shewolfnm wrote:

1900's treatment for hysteria

hysterectomy?

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Why did you marry a woman you can't stand? Seriously.

This is how she is and you married her. Why do you want to change her?

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Bella Dea wrote:

Why did you marry a woman you can't stand? Seriously.

This is how she is and you married her. Why do you want to change her?

Why did I marry her? Love & lust plus I found the "zippiness" appealing for some years, but now it has become a burden, alas. I am not sure change is the right word, I would settle for her projecting her frustrations/energies in a more suitable direction!

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Did you ever have a heart to heart talk about this? Also, are you able to discern when these behaviors will happen? In other words, does she sound off on her own, or is it a result of something that you are doing, or saying to her?

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

Did you ever have a heart to heart talk about this? Also, are you able to discern when these behaviors will happen? In other words, does she sound off on her own, or is it a result of something that you are doing, or saying to her?

Many, many heart to hearts! When she is focused and calm, she well recognizes her personality traits can be both a constructive force when something needs to be done quickly, and a destructive force when either she can't, won't, does not understand, lacks patience, time or there is some other impeding factor.

The heart to hearts often center around the justification or lack thereof of "venting", and how to show love, respect and tolerance, even if things are not going in your favor.

There is a clear enough cause and effect about 60% of the time or better. One could argue that her reactions may be emotionally justified, but my point is more centered to the way she acts/reacts when conditions are not favorable to her, more so than whether her underlying feelings are justified.

There is a natural differential in our perceptions: I am more of a think now do later and she is more of a do now think later. This difference often upsets her (as mentioned above) when things do not go her way.

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Is there something you can offer in this negotiation so it's a compromise on both sides rather than just a capitulation on her part? That you will be more careful about whatever it is that you're doing that is setting her off, for example?

Right now it sounds like you're saying that you know you have your faults but that's just the way it is, while SHE has to change her faults.

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Chumly wrote:

There is a clear enough cause and effect about 60% of the time or better. One could argue that her reactions may be emotionally justified, but my point is more centered to the way she acts/reacts when conditions are not favorable to her, more so than whether her underlying feelings are justified.

In other words, are you saying that you are not as concerned with her feelings as you are with her reactions? That may just be exactly why she reacts the way that she does.

It sounds like you are more results oriented, while she is more feelings oriented. I think that it is important that you REALLY listen to her, and try to determine what it is that she needs from you. It's a win-win situation. If you satisfy her emotional needs (unless she is pathologically needy, and I am assuming that she isn't) you are much more likely to get the things done that you want.

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Thats it, she is so used to you not 'retaliating' when she is doing what she does that she thinks your ok with it, she can get away with it and carries on doing it over and over.

I know someone just like that.

I think the key is to challenge her when its happening.Act the same way she is, fight fire with fire if nothing else has worked.

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I think he's being selfish. He stated that he used to think it was ok but now it's annoying.

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That happens, though, I don't necessarily hold that against him. Trick is how you deal with it.

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sozobe wrote:

That happens, though, I don't necessarily hold that against him. Trick is how you deal with it.

I don't see how he can expect her to change. I mean, "hey honey, I used to love you like this and now you drive me nuts. Quit or I don't want to be with you anymore?"

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I just don't think it's fair to her for him to suddenly decide he can't accept her behavior.

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Well, that's why I brought up the idea of a negotiation and BOTH of them changing rather than just issuing demands. But once it IS annoying -- and that does happen -- is he just supposed to leave without even trying to solve the problem? Unfortunately, just deciding not to be annoyed usually doesn't work.

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sozobe wrote:

Is there something you can offer in this negotiation so it's a compromise on both sides rather than just a capitulation on her part? That you will be more careful about whatever it is that you're doing that is setting her off, for example?

Right now it sounds like you're saying that you know you have your faults but that's just the way it is, while SHE has to change her faults.

I most often, at the least, offer her hugs and such but it may not get through. Sometimes I can do things to appease sometimes not, but her presentation leaves something to be desired and she is understandably less likely to get what she wants by the aggressive cold method. I have been reading about training puppies as I am going to get another dog soon and you wold not train / treat a pup this way either.

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Bella Dea wrote:

sozobe wrote:
That happens, though, I don't necessarily hold that against him. Trick is how you deal with it.

I don't see how he can expect her to change. I mean, "hey honey, I used to love you like this and now you drive me nuts. Quit or I don't want to be with you anymore?"

The trick is understanding, empathy, and negotiation. As I have said many times in the past, "you can't turn an elephant into a kangaroo". She is what she is, who you fell in love with. You may, with patience and caring, modify her reactions a bit, but I would not count on too much of a change. The biggest change needs to be YOUR reactions to her behavior.

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Wife Too Aggressive & Loud

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