Wife Too Aggressive & Loud

Hmm, not really what I meant. You have said that you have a problem with her reactions but she might be justified. I'm talking about addressing that core issue. If she gets mad when you're home late, make more of an effort to be on time. If she gets mad when you don't listen, make more of an effort to listen. Hugs doesn't seem here or there, unless she's specifically getting mad at you because you don't hug her enough.

0 Replies

Phoenix32890 wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:
sozobe wrote:
That happens, though, I don't necessarily hold that against him. Trick is how you deal with it.

I don't see how he can expect her to change. I mean, "hey honey, I used to love you like this and now you drive me nuts. Quit or I don't want to be with you anymore?"

The trick is understanding, empathy, and negotiation. As I have said many times in the past, "you can't turn an elephant into a kangaroo". She is what she is, who you fell in love with. You may, with patience and caring, modify her reactions a bit, but I would not count on too much of a change. The biggest change needs to be YOUR reactions to her behavior.

Difficult to accomplish when she is yelling so loud you can hear her throughout the house and when you go into a bedroom she either stands on the other side of the door and continues yelling or forces her way into the room to continue.

How would you expect me to modify my reactions to her behaviors under such an emotionally crippling environment?

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

Unfortunately, just deciding not to be annoyed usually doesn't work.

Ain't that a bitch? I wish sometimes I could just turn off my annoyance. Laughing

0 Replies

Chumly wrote:

How would you expect me to modify my reactions to her behaviors under such an emotionally crippling environment?

How did you find it acceptable before?

0 Replies

Maybe you could give us an example of the behavior you're talking about.

0 Replies

Yes, please. Complete with the catalyst (why she got mad).

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

Hmm, not really what I meant. You have said that you have a problem with her reactions but she might be justified. I'm talking about addressing that core issue. If she gets mad when you're home late, make more of an effort to be on time. If she gets mad when you don't listen, make more of an effort to listen. Hugs doesn't seem here or there, unless she's specifically getting mad at you because you don't hug her enough.

Your premise is based on the assumption that I must be doing something that I can and should change (easily or otherwise).

However I consider her internal reactions arguably emotionally justified 60% + of the time, not due to my presence per se, but because of the personal dynamic between us ( as highlighted earlier), and that we are living though a major renovation.

Buteven if we were not living through a major renovation I expect this would be an issue, as she did go off prior to the major renovation.

0 Replies

So these traits are limited to arguments with you, or do you observe it in her interactions with other people?

0 Replies

Bella Dea wrote:

Chumly wrote:

How would you expect me to modify my reactions to her behaviors under such an emotionally crippling environment?

How did you find it acceptable before?

It was not that I found it acceptable before, but it was a matter of degree and frequency, and given that no one is perfect, and that she has many admirable qualities, it seemed rational - if a relationship can ever truly be considered rational Smile

0 Replies

FreeDuck wrote:

So these traits are limited to arguments with you, or do you observe it in her interactions with other people?

They are broad-based and may be linked to personal interactions and/or situational ones however the brunt of the force is focused on me as per the old adage: the ones closest to you are the ones you hurt the most. She is always very polite and kind to strangers even if they were to do things that if I was to do she would blow up. I have told her numerous times that I expect to be treated at least as well as, if not better than someone she does even not care about.

0 Replies

Chumly wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:
Why did you marry a woman you can't stand? Seriously.

This is how she is and you married her. Why do you want to change her?
Why did I marry her? Love & lust plus I found the "zippiness" appealing for some years, but now it has become a burden, alas. I am not sure change is the right word, I would settle for her projecting her frustrations/energies in a more suitable direction!

I think I can see what you're getting at here.

I'll assume you've been married several years.

Her "zippiness" might have been appropriate for the age both of you were when you married. But over time, most people tend to ever so slowly change, mature, get settled, whatever you want to call it.

It seems she's as zippy as when you married her, but you've become more mellow.

If you were married a brief time, I'd be harder on you. Although I don't yell through the house, I'm a pretty animated person. With my first husband, he apparantly liked the way I was enough to marry me. Then, literally within a couple of months, all of a sudden it was "you never shut up". I asked him the same question Bella asked you "Why'd you marry me?"
Actually, when we were dating, he said my enthusiasm was one of the main things he fell in love with. That marriage ended in less than 2 years.

However, in your case, it sound like a long time has gone by. I don't believe you can change her inate personality, but I'd be upset, like you, that she hasn't, well for lack of a better term, grown up a bit.

Has she changed much over the years?

0 Replies

Ok then. In that case, an example would definitely be helpful.

0 Replies

Well, ya see free duck.....

oh, sorry, you meant an example from chumley.

T,T,T, for Tennesse Tuxedo....
couldn't resist Chumley.

0 Replies

I think I get it.

SOMEONE I know very well is a great charmer. He can get others to do what he wants with much less effort than it takes me. I LOVED that about him. If I didn't want to deal with something, say a wrong bill or a teachers comment that didn't sit well, I would have him do it.

Then I realized he was, in some instances, using the same "charm" on me, and not always in appropriate ways. THAT wasn't acceptable. It was manipulative, whiich you don't do with someone you love.

This same SOMEONE can have a bear of a temper and not refrain from saying what he wants in response. THAT was handy when I met him and thought he was strong and would stand up for me and protect his family and... Well, until the temper was aimed at me.

My point is, that it is perfectly normal for us to fall in love with traits that later drive us crazy. It's easy to attach a goodness to those traits when that is what you need / want to see. The problem arises when those same traits come back to bite you.

0 Replies

Chumly wrote:

Your premise is based on the assumption that I must be doing something that I can and should change (easily or otherwise).

However I consider her internal reactions arguably emotionally justified 60% + of the time, not due to my presence per se, but because of the personal dynamic between us ( as highlighted earlier), and that we are living though a major renovation.

You seem to contradict yourself -- if her internal reactions are (even if only arguably) emotionally justified 60%+ of the time, that seems to indicate that it is based on something you are doing that you can and should change.

I don't think anyone is saying it would necessarily be easy, for you OR for her. If it were that easy it probably would have happened by now. I think the very fact that it would be somewhat to very difficult for BOTH of you to implement these changes is part of what makes it more likely to be successful if you BOTH change. It is easier to put the effort in if you know the other person is putting in a similar effort.

But again, this will probably stall unless we get some specific examples. (Could your roundabout communication style be a bone of contention? ;-))

0 Replies

FreeDuck wrote:

Maybe you could give us an example of the behavior you're talking about.

When she comes home from her mom's it's likely she will find fault in what I am doing, and not stop until she has us both very upset - her mom is old cranky and argumentative.

Even though we have agreed numerous times that the dog is fully my responsibility (and she need not/should not get involved) plus I attest here that I do take superlative care of my 9 year old Chow, she will chastise me for not taking for her for enough walks or anything else she considers not up to par with idealized perceptions of dog responsibilities. By chastise I mean demoralizing, yelling, aggressive (as mention above).

I have certain responsibilities with respect to the renovation and I have not always done them in the time frame I should have due to health and/or the other trades changing the timeline, again I am likely to get the demoralizing, yelling, aggressive behavior.

As I said it is not that I do not understand, it's that I consider her actions are not in keeping with loving results-oriented behavior. A good and insightful friend of ours considers her "hyper-responsible", and of course that can manifest itself in ways that are both beneficial and destructive.

0 Replies

Thanks for the examples!

That helps fill out the picture.

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

Chumly wrote:
(Could your roundabout communication style be a bone of contention? ;-))
She is direct to the point, I am less so, we both talk too much, she is impatient and often interrupts, I tend to go on and I cover details more thoroughly, she skips over what may be important items.

0 Replies

Is coming home from her mom's usually the start of all this? If her mother is an unpleasant person who has been treating her that way the whole time she was there, she might just be redirecting it all to you -- which of course isn't fair. Maybe the you two could figure out if that has something to do with it.

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

Chumly wrote:
Your premise is based on the assumption that I must be doing something that I can and should change (easily or otherwise).

However I consider her internal reactions arguably emotionally justified 60% + of the time, not due to my presence per se, but because of the personal dynamic between us ( as highlighted earlier), and that we are living though a major renovation.

You seem to contradict yourself -- if her internal reactions are (even if only arguably) emotionally justified 60%+ of the time, that seems to indicate that it is based on something you are doing that you can and should change.

I don't think anyone is saying it would necessarily be easy, for you OR for her. If it were that easy it probably would have happened by now. I think the very fact that it would be somewhat to very difficult for BOTH of you to implement these changes is part of what makes it more likely to be successful if you BOTH change. It is easier to put the effort in if you know the other person is putting in a similar effort.

But again, this will probably stall unless we get some specific examples. (Could your roundabout communication style be a bone of contention? ;-))

By justified I mean: To demonstrate or prove to be just, right, or valid: justified each budgetary expense as necessary; anger that is justified by the circumstances

Justified does not mean assessment of blame or responsibility or liability per se, albeit I will freely admit that I could be a better hubby I do not know anyone who could not admit that, so no evil ogre here.

0 Replies

Wife Too Aggressive & Loud

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know