Wife Too Aggressive & Loud

Is coming home from her mom's usually the start of all this? If her mother is an unpleasant person who has been treating her that way the whole time she was there, she might just be redirecting it all to you -- which of course isn't fair. Maybe the you two could figure out if that has something to do with it.

Don't listen to these women, Chumley.

They're just trying to help.

Chumly wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:

Why did you marry a woman you can't stand? Seriously.

This is how she is and you married her. Why do you want to change her?

Why did I marry her? Love & lust plus I found the "zippiness" appealing for some years, but now it has become a burden, alas. I am not sure change is the right word, I would settle for her projecting her frustrations/energies in a more suitable direction!

I think I can see what you're getting at here.

I'll assume you've been married several years.

Her "zippiness" might have been appropriate for the age both of you were when you married. But over time, most people tend to ever so slowly change, mature, get settled, whatever you want to call it.

It seems she's as zippy as when you married her, but you've become more mellow.

If you were married a brief time, I'd be harder on you. Although I don't yell through the house, I'm a pretty animated person. With my first husband, he apparantly liked the way I was enough to marry me. Then, literally within a couple of months, all of a sudden it was "you never shut up". I asked him the same question Bella asked you "Why'd you marry me?"
Actually, when we were dating, he said my enthusiasm was one of the main things he fell in love with. That marriage ended in less than 2 years.

However, in your case, it sound like a long time has gone by. I don't believe you can change her inate personality, but I'd be upset, like you, that she hasn't, well for lack of a better term, grown up a bit.

Has she changed much over the years?

It's easy to attach a goodness to those traits when that is what you need / want to see. The problem arises when those same traits come back to bite you.

The purpose of finding out why and what sets her off is so that she can figure it out and change it. It seems that she doesn't have another outlet for her frustration besides you. Maybe you could help her find one. But other than that and other than expressing to her how hurtful it is when she dumps her crap on you, I'm not sure what you can do about it short of threatening divorce. It could be that she just doesn't realize what she's doing.

But you do have a right to insist on respect. Do you always walk away and shut the door when she loses it? Maybe you should continue doing this, in a calm way of course. If she recognizes that you will do that every time she has crossed the line, she might see where the limit is. Obviously you shouldn't do that if you're having a discussion about something that is important to her. You want her to be heard, but at the point where you are certain that it is just a tantrum, you should remove yourself.

I sometimes think that by expressing to her how hurtful it is when she dumps her crap may make her subconsciccly perceive that as weakness, and "come in for the kill".

I do not always walk away and shut the door when she loses it, alas I sometimes get unintentionally drawn in. I think that would be a great idea to do it each time there is a tantrum factor.

I can see where the walking the dog or doing renovations is aimed at you, but is it always?

I mean, most of the time Bear is going off on a tirade it isn't aimed at me. I happen to be the one he's talking to, but he's actually ranting about someone else. That drives me nuts. I can't stand the tension, loudness, repitition or that he's going on and on about something I think he should have dropped an hour ago. My blood pressure goes up, my muscles tense, and my head starts to hurt. I have told him many times that it bothers me, but he hasn't stopped.

So is it usually aimed AT you or TO you?

Chumly,
My gut tells me (after reading this thread) that you like her acting like this (until a certain point where you are bothered, of course).

I can imagine you egging her on, loving to see her riled up and 'zippy'...but once that fire burns high enough to really crisp ya', all of a sudden you expect her to stop?!

You'd be bored if she didn't nip ya !

My advice is to leave her for a while. Actually leave the house, the relationship, everything and act aloof and like you don't care.

Works everytime on a woman who throws tantrums.

Mama wants what Mama can't have.

3.
Consider your history. Sometimes, I believe that such seemingly out-of-the-blue agression can rise out of history that you may have forgotten, but the woman hasn't. Acknowledge the past and fess up to all those times you've wronged her.