Never ending story

Returned to the time machine and set the dial for the Woodstock Music and Art Fair which occurred in White Lake / Bethel, NY on August 15,16,17 in the year 1969. Billed as "3 Days of Peace and Music", the Woodstock Festival was a turning point for a nation of individuals that stood for peace, understanding and love. Poor Try did not understand the former, but was hoping for the latter.

They arrived at the crowded camp site just as Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young sang "It's been a long time comin'." And immediately…

Try took a nice hit of the 'brown' acid, which left him reeling. Suddenly no longer wondering how they could be in August 15th, 16th, and 17th all at once, he began giggling and muttering something about purple bazooka gumdrops. As Shari and Markr started applauding the group onstage, they had no idea that, only twenty-four hundred thousand millimeters away...

...was the Cave of Ali baba. Shari suddenly had vision of TV star Raven Baxter and before her flashing eyes was a cave snap with mammoth storage of gold. The Time Machine's Jet Lag was quite surprising....

Because to travel faster than light it did not use ?'jets', as Mark pointed out (yawn) it being propelled by accelerated microwaves. This startling fact had little impact on Shari, who having promised Try's mom she would look after him had managed to loose him within minutes of landing. Little did she know that since Try had not had female ?'company' for a long time, in his drug induced state he suggested to Kiwi Chick she could earn a few bucks if she would come back with him. As a result he was immediately arrested and thrown into jail. Because as everybody knows, you should never end a sentence with a proposition!!!

Unless…

your participle is dangling. Which, due to lack of use, Try's was. Therefore, he was let off with a slap in the wrist and a stern warning not to try that again. But, of course, he didn't get his name for nothing.

That evening Try informed the group that he'd have to head north for the Canadian border. He had not registered for the draft, and in spite of having served in WW2, was wanted by the feds. So, the merry band of travelers trooped north through upstate NY. When they got to the Erie Canal, Shari revealed...

That the Erie Canal is famous in song and story. Proposed in 1808 and completed in 1825, the canal links the waters of Lake Erie in the west to the Hudson River in the east. An engineering marvel when it was built, some called it the Eighth Wonder of the World.

In order to open the country west of the Appalachian Mountains to settlers and to offer a cheap and safe way to carry produce to a market, the construction of a canal was proposed as early as 1768. However, those early proposals would connect the Hudson River with Lake Ontario near Oswego. It was not until 1808 that the state legislature funded a survey for a canal that would connect to Lake Erie. Finally, on July 4, 1817, Governor Dewitt Clinton broke ground for the construction of the canal.

In those early days, it was often sarcastically referred to as "Clinton's Big Ditch". When finally completed on October 26, 1825, it was the engineering marvel of its day. It included 18 aqueducts to carry the canal over ravines and rivers, and 83 locks, with a rise of 568 feet from the Hudson River to Lake Erie. It was 4 feet deep and 40 feet wide, and floated boats carrying 30 tons of freight. A ten foot wide towpath was built along the bank of the canal for horses, mules, and oxen led by a boy boat driver or "hoggee".

Before Kiwi Chick could gag her she continued, "In order to keep pace with the growing demands of traffic, the Erie Canal was enlarged between 1836 and 1862. The "Enlarged Erie" was 70 feet wide and 7 feet deep, and could handle boats carrying 240 tons. The number of locks was reduced to 72. Most of the remaining traces of the Old Erie Canal are from the Enlarged Erie era.

In 1903, the State again decided to enlarge the canal by the construction of what was termed the "Barge Canal", consisting of the Erie Canal and the three chief branches of the State system -- the Champlain, the Oswego, and the Cayuga and Seneca Canals. The resulting canal was completed in 1918, and is 12 to 14 feet deep, 120 to 200 feet wide, and 363 miles long, from Albany to Buffalo. 57 Locks were built to handle barges carrying up to 3,000 tons of cargo, with lifts of 6 to 40 feet. This is the Erie Canal which today is utilized largely by recreational boats rather than cargo-carrying barges."

Wake up you lot she screamed, its time for…

The Twelfth Annual Amazing Happy-ass Lemming Troupe/Corporation Parade!!

"YAAAAAAAY!!!!" shrieked Try giddily. The lemmings were doing backflips over one another, and in their brightly-colored attire they were lots of fun to look at. Francisco wasn't really appreciating the show, however, since he had guessed what would come next. As he surmised, the Lemming Troupe/Corporation proceeded to jump into the Erie Canal and commence dying.

However, they were saved in the nick of time by

Mark who quickly calculated the volume of water and opened the sluice gate. The canal drained and the Lemmings were saved and walked across to breed in Canada, unlike Try whose chance to breed was getting slimmer by the day. Until by sheer chance…

Kiwi stumbled upon Professor Yukiama who had raved reviews for test tube baby breeding "well its better than nothing!" she quipped to the insulted Try "you got any other suggestions?" she asked him
Try smiled and....

Without giving the slightest hint as to his master plan suggested a quick return to Woodstock as Joe Cocker was about to start his set which included ?' what would you do if I sang outta tune…' and he remembered the mud party that followed. So they all…

squashed back into the time machine and returned to 'Woodstock' much to the delight of Kiwi as it was the '94 concert and she could see 'Green Day' play live much to the...

Delight of Shari who knew all the words and started to belt out;


GREEN DAY LYRICS

A small cloud has fallen
The white mist hits the ground
My lungs comfort me with joy
Vegging on one detail
The rest just crowds around
My eyes itch of burning red

Picture sounds
Of moving insects so surreal
Lay around
Looks like I found something new

Laying in my bed
I think I'm in left field
I picture someone, I think it's you
You're standing so damn close
My body begins to swell
Why does 1 + 1 make 2

Picture sounds
Of moving insects so surreal
Lay around
Looks like I found something new

Laying in my bed
I think I'm in left field
I picture someone, I think it's you
You're standing so damn close
My body begins to swell
Why does 1 + 1 make 2

Picture sounds
Of moving insects so surreal
Lay around

Unfortunately, Kiwi Chick was allergic to insects, and wanted to go shower and change. So Try suggested…

conserving water by doubling up in the shower (gotta give him credit for trying). Much to his surprise, Francisco quickly blurted, "If we're doubling up in the shower, I get Try!" (foiled again)

Mark, Shari, and KC gave each other odd looks as this was a side of Francisco they were unaware of. Since there were three of them, and the group still wished to conserve water, they made it a threesome.

After they were all clean, Francisco suggested...

Someone call a medic for Try who appeared to be suffering a heart attack at the thought of Mark in the shower with Shari and Kiwi Chick. Mark showing his compassionate side suggested nature take his course, which pretty much took the vote until dear sweet Fudgie noticed, Try's shaking heart was caused by him having his mobile on vibrate. Fudgie answered, and a big smile filled her face; it was from…

George W. Bush, who was calling the stalwart time-adventurers in an attempt to find someone who didn't want to kill him and could offer actual, sound advice. In response to a question regarding whether or not to invade North Korea, Fudgie eagerly responded, "Don't worry, Mr. President, we'll take care of it!"

The group boarded a plane for North Korea that afternoon, but was sidetracked by

A squabble between the girls about how high the plane that still had propellers would go as they all wanted to join the ?'mile high' club. Kiwi Chick whispered something in Mark's ear which caused a flurry of calculations of the type only a skilled math expert would understand; Pie R ^ whatist 8/(!) = whatderyoucallit ? Ok, he said, we need to ditch some weight. So they…

all pitched in together and dumped Try's frocks and Shari's bag of shoes, and Kiwi's Scuba gear and Fran's parachute and Mark's prized collection of a one off leather bound set of Encyclopedia's his mum gave him for.....

Kwanzaa, which as we all know, is a holiday that takes place at some point or another. Mark was distraught at the loss of his encyclopedia, but apparently not as much as Francisco was over the loss of his parachute, which he dove out of the plane to retrieve, which he quite obviously had not thought through properly. He managed to reclaim the parachute in midair, but it failed to open, and the ground was rapidly approaching. Luckily, ...

Francisco had stashed one of Shari's bras in his bag. With jugs as big as hers, he now had a double chute. He gently drifted to the ground and looked up in time to see...

The engines on fire, and the pilot preparing to make an emergency landing in the impenetrable jungle. Mark ushered all the girls to the rear of the plane, as this was the safest area, unfortunately this fact was unknown to Try who, whilst waiting for more information on the aerodynamics of Shari's bras, had accepted an invitation to sit up front in the co-pilots seat due to the sudden departure of the previous occupant. They were, (wait for it…) Sans Francisco*, who was watching in horror as the plane spun to certain doom.

Meanwhile, Kiwi Chick thought it strange that Try was setting the table for tea, having mistakenly read a sign as; ?'In the face of doom - picnic.' You ******* idiot, it says, ?'PANIC' she was about to reinforce her point with a handy emergency hammer when Shari said, "we have one last chance, if we jump out over that lake", pointing to a blue lagoon just ahead, so they…


* To save the more wordily challenged, ?'sans' means; without.