My Story

Hey Sarge.

My wife and I just went through the whole graduate school thing. Here are some things you might want to consider:

1. Going to graduate school is still "work." In fact, my wife had to put in 60-70 hour weeks. This put a great deal of stress on our marriage; mainly because I didn't understand how hard she was working. Also because we had less time together.

2. Working toward a graduate degree is a form of investing. It may not be putting money in the bank now, but it will pay dividends later on.

The Seven-Year-Itch thing and whether or not you love your wife could easily be part of this equation. I'm imagining that you do love your wife but she's not giving you what you need. And everybody NEEDS a lot from their spouse. For whatever reason, she seems to be shutting you out. Love does ebb and flow and when you think of the difficulties of finding and meeting someone else and learning their foibles, well.... it is best to see if you can get this boat to float, imo.

So, let me see if I get this straight. You met your wife when you were both twenty-one. You married three years later and both worked for a while. Now she is in grad school and you are supporting her. You have no children. Your best friend is having marital difficulties (Is he having the same sort of difficulties with a wife in grad school? Does he have children?)

Your wife doesn't seem to have time for you and is spending, however, a lot of time on the computer. She is also spending more money than you think she should. You have very awkward hours -- yours with shift work (I'm thinking you mean, evening or night shift...) and she has classes scattered throughout the week.

You'd like to get away and you've begun to dream about what life might be like if you weren't married.


Some of my questions:

Were you enthusiastic about her going to grad school? Does she have a clear path set out for her? When is she supposed to graduate? What is an MAT -- a teaching degree?

Do you feel like she will be growing away from you intellectually or socially by having an advanced degree? Do you have an advanced degree?

Wasn't she just on a school break a month or so ago? Why didn't you go on a trip then?

--- --- ---

In general, I'd say that you need to find time for yourself and rationalize better where your life is right now. Make plans to go and do something without her... maybe with your friend. But don't make it a go-out-and-meet-women thing. Go fishing or hiking or whatever guy-oriented outdoorsy thing you like to do with your bud and leave your wife to fend for herself while she is studying. I think you may need a bit of break and so does she.

When you come back, discuss making time for your relationship with her right now -- not after she graduates. Maybe it will be a Tuesday evening pizza night and an early Sunday morning walk on the beach. Relax and be yourselves together on a regular basis. Be sure that you regain some interest in what she's doing. That's got to be a huge part of her priorities right now.

I think you ought to seriously consider going to see a counselor on your own where you can totally open up. Find out who you are and if you are really the guy that wants to go to Daytona with a friend and meet chicks. I'm thinking that isn't really you... but maybe it is.

Remember, if you put her all the way through grad school and then divorce, she may very well have the right to half of everything you currently have and a certain amount of financial maintenance for some period of time. You may be liable for her school tuition. It is a financially tricky situation if you really want to get out of the marriage.

It is sad that you are feeling left out. To me it sounds like you are mostly lonely and wishing for a companion. Your wife should understand that and give you something of herself even if she is working really hard at school. If she doesn't see it, tell her. Tell her you are lonely. She can still talk to you, still be friendly and loving and should be grown-up enough to occasionally look at your life from YOUR perspective.

PIffka,

Wow, that's a lot of groud. She's pursuing a Masters in Teaching. She broke down in May and told me that she's always wanted to do this. I told her I supported her, but, I expressed concerns about the finances. She said she'd work 3 days a week. She's set to start working as a substitute teacher in a couple weeks. Orginally, she said she'd work 4 days a week. Then, she changed it to three. Now, she's say that she can only fit in two days a week. I completely understand the stresses of grad school, but here's some issues:

1) we live in a beautiful communtity that we lucked into by getting an awesome price. Still, the mortgage is high. The house is a gold mine. I have easily doubled my value in two years. I am open to moving and cashing out. She is not.

2) We both have fairly new cars costing almost $500/ month.

When you combine these factors with the jokers gouging at the pumps, we just can't live on my salary plus a miniscule amount that she'd bring in on two days a week.

When I go to Daytona, I'll flirt. Of course, I do that all the time anyway. My wife knows it and accepts it. I probably will not cheat on her. If pushes comes to shove, I'll break things off in DEcember. I pretended things were back to normal today. She expressed joy that we were getting along. She said it helped her clear her mind enoughto write a paper. Part of me realizes that she belongs in my life.

Perhaps, I am hitting that 7 year itch early. It's certainly scary.

Why in the world do you have those particular cars with those particular payments?

Sarge; you 'probably will not cheat on her" ?
That sounds like a weak commitment if I ever heard one!
I'm not trying to break your balls, I'm just wondering why you are even considering cheating on your wife? Why is it even a possibility in your mind?

Believe me, if you were to go to Daytona and 'oops' cheated on her: things would just be so much harder when you got home.
You should work this out within the relationship with your wife; before even considering being with anyone else.

It sure seems like that there are a lot of parts of yourself that are being neglected right now. Would it be safe to say that your sex life w/ your wife isn't satisfactory either?
What exactly is it that you need that you aren't getting right now? That might be something to think about and consider on your vacation with your bud. You'll come out a lot farther than if you just go on a pisser and possibly do something you regret.

I don't know. I am honestly trying to help.

well said, flushd.

A tough situation! I can understand why you might not be feeling quite right about your marriage right now.

I think your wife needs to realize (please correct me if I'm wrong) that going to grad school means making financial sacrifices.... for both of you.

You can easily get rid of the vehicles and get cheaper ones, and cash out on the house for a cheaper one, if you both agree to do so.

I'm married and we have 2 cars: one cost $500, the other $400. This probably wouldn't be workable if my husband wasn't already an auto mechanic, so he can fix them himself (I fetch tools and such while he works on them). But really, a $500/month payment on a vehicle is an awful lot if one spouse isn't presently working.

If she wants to live "high on the hog" while not working, well, that's just not rational, and it won't work, period.

I think every person has a right to time alone, married or not, and in fact it's really important to allow yourself that time. She shouldn't be "looking over your shoulder" while you're on the computer. Ask her not to! It's OK!

Even married, you have a right to privacy. I don't know about other states, but in Florida, it's the law.

If I were you, I'd arrange to go out of town, using your vacation time, for at least a couple of days. Time alone can really help a lot! And I DO mean time alone, or with male friends.

I think involvement with other women will only complicate things and make your marriage even worse than it is now! Please take that bit of advice, if nothing else.

Also, feel free to ask her for time alone... an hour, an afternoon, an hour every day... it's OK, and natural, and you have the right!

All my best wishes to you, Sarge, and hey, Welcome to A2K!

Why is it "your value"? Is that a slip of the tongue? Where would you move anyway?



Cars are easy to sell and you ought to be looking at cars that have better fuel economy. I'm not going to get into the "gouging at the pumps" except to say that we in America have been paying vastly under-cost prices for years. Check out the costs in Europe if you think I'm wrong. I am seeing a blame-everybody-but-myself attitude here and hope that's not the case. I'm happy to help but only if you recognize that you're in the soup of your own making.



You cannot imagine how much I think you sound like a jerk here.



And here.




Well, it becomes obvious that your wife loves you and wants you to love her back. Your problems seem to stem from your penis and go straight to your wallet. Yet you don't have the balls to stay and be a real man and husband. I'd like you to prove me wrong.



The Seven-Year-Itch is not an excuse.... it is a symptom of real life and learning to grow up. Sarge, I feel sorry for your wife. She's trying to get ahead and do things that will make your life together better. She wants to keep the house and make your marriage work whereas you are dreaming about flirting and screwing around at Daytona. Do you realize how juvenile that sounds?

<goes away shaking her head> I'm very disappointed. At the beginning of this thread you wrote as though YOU were being wronged and it seems evident that it is the other way around.

Welcome to A2K.

You realize that no matter whether you stay married or get divorced you are never going to have those early-20 bachelor years? You made your choice, you said your vows and you've spent the last several years as a married man.

As I remember your post (which I read this morning) right now you and your wife are living high on the hog as far as material possessions go, but you are the sole breadwinner. You feel that your wife is much more willing to spend money than to make money.

Did you discuss household finance before she went back for her MAT?

When did you get the feeling that she's using you to pay the tuition because she doesn't want to go home to her parents? She has said that if she were not in school (which I choose to believe means "if she were self-supporting") that she would leave you.

Yet when you pretended that everything was hunky-dory she cheered right up?

I don't know how she feels, but I get the feeling you do not think she values you as a person--simply as a breadwinner. You are feeling used.

You speak of "other issues" but the only one you spell out is not having time alone. I could see this as a valid complaint if you and your wife shared an efficiency apartment and were dependent on public transportation. As you describe it you have a major mortgage--I assume for a good sized house--and access to your own car.

You have a computer and a lap top.

Fortunately, you have no children. This childless state gives each of you more options than you would have with children.

Your friend's marital troubles may be affecting your perception of your marriage. For whatever reason you are alienated from your wife right now and the person with whom you feel in tune is an unhappily married man.

Misery loves company. Genius loves company. Birds of a feather flock together. I can't be sure, not being a fly on the wall, but I suspect you and your buddy are into a DIY sort of peer counseling, both of you sure that you've missed your youth and the world owes you some Wild Abandon Right This Minute. You complain to him and he complains to you and each of you feels more and more discontented.

Do you really think a one night stand is going to make you a more sophisticated man, a more considerate lover, a less resentful husband?

I think that you and your wife should get some open-ended counseling. Perhaps you will save your marriage. Perhaps you will achieve a civilized divorce. At least you'll be acting with a clear realization of your feelings and motives.

Good luck.

UPDATE--Things have improved this week. Perhaps, some of you guys have prayed for me. Let me address the car thing...we have 2 fuel efficient cars. Of course, I needed to talk her into trading her SUV last year. We now drive Toyotas that get over 30 MPG.

As much as we're getting along, I got annoyed when she came down and interupted me as I got on the computer. She said she's tired of her homework. It's due tomorrow and she just started it tonight. Keep in mind, she has no other responsibility. She still doesn't cook or clean. I am the cleaning person n the relationship.

I have no intention on cheating in Daytona. I was blowing off steam. The past week has been hell. Like I said, the last 72 hours have been better.

TheSarge--

Sometimes just admitting to yourself that you're at the end of your rope can be very therapeutic.

Your wife doesn't sound like much of a planner. Last Minute Spouses can be very hard to live with.

Enjoy your holiday.

Procrastinators...I live with one myself. Annoys the hell out of me. He's either undecided, or it takes him all day to do the one thing I want. Hurrummph!

Sarge, from a womens point of view, I've been in your same shoes.

I have my moments where I really don't like the man I'm married to. I have daydreams about night things, and its some fantasy that I've derived in my head..lol, thoughts of having some wild times, and nobody to have to worry about.

Then I get jerked back into reality.

Lets face it....your human, we all have our moments.

Have you ever thought that maybe your both are reacting off one another? And in that moment, you both go in opposite directions because of the miscommunication?

Put down the lap-top and pick up your wife...and see what happens??

OMG, you share my thoughts.

Ha, told ya...the same pair of shoes, just from a womens perspective!

Been there, know whatcha talkin' about!

I even have the papers to prove it!

I've even told my husband that he might be the male and I might be the female, but our sex drive and bitchery has been swapped out for us to have the opposite roles that are expected.

But don't get me wrong, he's not feminine in anyway, shape or form, nor am I manly. I am the one with the sex drive and he's the one with the bitchin'....and moodiness!

I guess the love is dead, how simple is that. Do u know when u realise whether u love a person or not? When u start asking yourself "Do I love her? Should I be with her? Is she the right one?" O admitting "I wanna be single". I am so sorry to hear that.

I am about to hit the roof...Things had been great all week. She asked if she could blow off working for the next 2 months. I agreed and asked her to just concentrate on school right now. She just called and she knows she failed her open book History mid-term. Note, I have yet to see her read a chapter from the history book.

Instead of reading, I see her on EBAY. Or, she's on the phone with her sister. Gee,I am surprised those two things didn't make her well prepared tonight.

I felt like I am doing my part by agreeing to raid the bank account over the next couple of months. EBAY and her sister need to understand as well.

Sarge,...sounds like your at the end of your rope with this situation...ayyy?

Open book? school for doppuses, sorry.

Which is not to give an opinion, that is for you to work on getting.

TheSarge--

I'm with Osso. Flunking an open books exam takes a great deal of Neglect of Talent.

You have "granted" her request for two more non-working months. I presume this will take you to the end of the semester/trimester?
Can you stick to this agreement?

You're Internet name is "Sarge". May I ask why?

Okay, I'm probably being way too Pollyanna here, trying to think of any way things might not be as bad as they seem, but...any chance she's just doing that "Oh I know I failed" thing we do sometimes out of panic, or some goofy thought of not jinxing ourselves, or because she's too hard on herself when she evaluates how she did? I know I do that sometimes after tests, even though I get straight A's, because I always feel like I didn't do well enough...