My Story

Hi Sarge, Welcome to the board.

A few questions for you.

Have you tried counseling (either as a couple or individually)?

How long before your wife finishes grad school?

Do you have kids?

No kids. She mentioned counceling a couple years back, but I refused. Neither of us want it now. She will graduate in Spring 2007. Of course, I'll be over 30 by then.

It sounds like you've given up.

BTW, over 30 ain't such a bad thing.

dp.......

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In a way, I have given up. Like I said, part of me wants to live the single life again. Unfortnately, the other factros prevent that right now. I got my wife to concede that she'd probably leave if she still had a full time job.

If you have given up and are unwilling to work to fix things what exactly is keeping you in the marriage?

Is it money?

Hi Sarge. Welcome to a2k!

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.

I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to respond to maybe give more attention to your post. And to let you know that I support you in trying to figure this out.

I have two questions: Do you love your wife? Do you want the marriage to work?

I do love her, but I am unsure if I am in love anymore. I can't honestly say if I want the marriage to work. I want to play the field for a while. When I played the field when we were dating, I found I wanted to stay with her. Now, I guess I need re-assurance again.

The only issues we have with money is I bring in all the income. While we have a decent amount in savings, we are no longer banking money. I hate that. Even though she quit her job and went back to school, she seems unwilling to sacrifice financially.

It sounds like you may resent being the only one contributing financially. When she finishes grad school and goes back to work will she make more money and compensate for the lack of income now?

Can you look to the long term?

Honestly, if she'd work part time, I'd be better with the situation. She set to start working p/t soon. Still, she hints that grad school is too stressful. She hints that working may be tough right now. That's causes friction.

Another problem..without her working, I have no alone time. Her alone time comes when aI work. Right now, I am on lap top we bought last night for her school work. At least, I don't have to fight for internet time anymore. Before we bought this, she'd be over my shoulder the entire time I was on the net.

Hopefully, the better relationship oriented posters will chime in soon. Some of them are really good at getting to the core of things. I need to know someone fairly well to be of much help but maybe my questions will help jumpstart things.

I wish you good luck Sarge. I believe whole-heartedly in the benefits of counseling. If not for both of you together than at least for you alone. If you go in with an open mind you may learn a few things about yourself and why you feel as you do.

Once more, good luck.

Thanks for the well wishes..I know I may sound like an a-hole, but I feel the need to be honest in an anonymous forum.

Honesty is the best policy and is appreciated.

Frankly I dont think you sound like an as.s hole at all.

Have you thought about.. andim not sure how to word this well.. but..
I have heard of a thing called the 7 year itch. Quite a tupid statement, but apparently there is alot of truth tho it.
It is a time in a relationship where things just get dull and boring.
The 'newness' has worn out and the tempt of the chase is over.
Basically,, you settle down into ' life' with the person you have choosen to marry.
Things are never easy when you are married. A long term relationship means long term problems in a sense. Because you two are always diffrent people, there will always be diffrences between you two that will cause you to look at the other like they are insane. The acceptance of the diffrences is what makes a relationship work.

If you could make your relationship work.. right now.. what would it take?
Can you spell it out in definative steps? Or would it be more of a wishy-washy thing? Would your answers be full of " ifs / and / or butts"?
Or would it be definate actions?

Hi Sarge, Welcome to A2K

I was thinking along the same lines as Shewolf with respect to the newness of your marriage having worn off and the seven year itch. One of the problems with marrying young, yes 24 is young today, is when the newness wears off you start to look ahead and think in terms of living with this person for the next SIXTY years!!! You start to question yourself and wonder if this is all there is to life.

Any long-term successful relationship has peaks and valleys. To make it through the valleys you need to be committed to each other and committed to work together on your relationship. Sometimes one of you is more committed than the other and sometimes neither party can see the sun that will shine on the next peak (how's that for a metaphor?) :wink:

I'm a firm believer in predictable adult 'crises'. Women tend to go through life-changing quests in their mid-decades, men tend to go through them as they approach the next decade. Your wife decided to go back to school in her mid-twenties. You are questioning your life as you approach 30. These are both very common and normal events for people your ages. The phenomena of predictable life crises is explained in the book, 'Passages" by Gail Sheehy.

Whether the two of you make it through this transition intact as a couple depends on how hard you work together to see it through this valley. You both will need to accept that good times follow bad and if you love each other enough and support each other enough, you can grow together as a couple at the same time you grow as individuals.

A personal story.... I married the first time at 19, my ex was 24. This was many years ago and 19 was young, but not as young as it would be today. By the time we were married five years I was in the same place in my marriage you are in yours. I decided to go back to school. I worked full time and went to school part time. My husband and I continued to move further apart emotionally. By the time I finished school we both knew our marriage was over. We were married for 12 years. We both eventually remarried and because there we no children in the marriage we were able to go our separate ways. Neither of us had the inclination to see the light at the top of the next hill, but our marriage could have succeeded if we had both wanted it to.

You and your wife can spend the next few years working together to save your marriage or you can continue to drift apart. Counseling is one way, rediscovering the love that brought you together in the first place is another, but it will take both of you. You alone cannot save your marriage. If neither of you are interested in counseling, I would suggest a weekend away where you vow not to argue, but to attempt to rediscover each other. What was it that brought you together in the first place? Give yourselves a chance to see if it's still there.

Good luck to you, Sarge. I hope things work out for you and your wife.

Well, grad school is stressful. But she may or may not have to go full-time (there are some p/t programs but not everything is p/t so be aware of that). I mean, you both want her to pass her classes, yes? I recently took four Oracle classes and they were brutal. I was not working at the time and don't know how I could have. I was studying and reading all the time and things were just not sinking in. It was frustrating and depressing. It was harder than anything else I've ever studied, and I have a law degree. Yep, it was really that tough.

So recognize that her complaints in that area may be very, very real. She is not sitting around eating bon-bons; she is working hard or at least she should be. No, it doesn't bring in cash, but it will. This is where seeing the forest for the trees is helpful.

If she had suggested counseling earlier, then what do you have to lose in terms of suggesting it? She might say no but she might say yes. You never know until you try. Until then, it's just speculation. So try and see what happens, and if she won't go, then go alone.

I understand your need for alone time, but aren't there times when she is studying or at the library or the like? I am having trouble believing that you have zero time to yourself. If you really do have zero time to yourself, go out for a walk. It's productive and you will have time to yourself.

I do know the feeling of having no time by yourself in a relationship.
I had this mental battle with myself over my husband not too long ago. Mind you, our living situation is diffrent and there is a child involved along with his mother.. but I think the feeling was the same.
I would get upset because he had time away from the house, he has a group of friends he hangs out with on friday nights until 2-3 am.
That just down right pissed me off. I was stuck at home almost 24-7 with no options in my mind. Anytime he was home, he was always wanting to do things with me and be around me when i truly just wanted some down time and quiet time to myself. I got to the point that I was blaming HIM for not .... just going AWAY.
Then I realized how unfair it was to number one - not speak up about what I wanted
and number two - to not realize that, he just loved me and wanted my company.
It was embarassing when I realized these things and realized how rude I was to him about it.
This may not be the same in your situation Sarge , but the point of my story is to speak up.
Have you tried.. just saying.. "I need to be alone for a while"? Or.. something like that?
No. She may not understand and my take it personally, but right now you are making it personal to you and that in itself can make things stressful.
There is nothing wrong with having alone time and it is necessary for a persons mental state to have time away from any situation.

Again, thanks to everyone who responds to this threads. Please know I am reading and giving thought to each and every idea posted here. Last night, she was uptil after 3am doing homework. Before you'll feel sorry for her..if she had done homework earlier in the day and avoided sits like EBAY, she would have been in bed a lot earlier. Then, she chose to sleep in the spare bed room. When she came back into the room at 6:30am, I was wide awake because the cat decided he wanted me up. Within minutes, I was out of bed and sleeping in the basement. We didn't utter a single word. Actually, we may have exchanged an "I love you".

Counseling is something I am finally open to, but she's too stressed with school to handle. Part of her school lies in the fact she needed to go back and take some under grad courses which are required for a MAT in Maryland. Her under grad science class is more work than 2 grad classes combined. Worse yet, she takes the class from 8-3 on Saturdays. It takes up a day. That also ruins any chance we have of any weekend trip.

We both love traveling. I suggested a couple days away. I work shift work and I have a lot of vacation, so I am opento any two days. She says she has too much going on. In a way, I understand. On the other hand, our marriage is crumbling.

The important thing in all of this is do you love her still?

If yes, you need to sit her down and discuss the options for making this marriage work. If not, you need to sit her down and tell her you want a divorce. You are both still young with no kids to worry about so the rest of your life can still be ahead of you with some one else should you decide that is the right thing.

Stress can cause a lot of crap to go on. My husband works all the time and there is defnintly some resentment on his part for my having so much time off and on my part for him not doing his share of house chores. But we don't let it get in the way. Yeah, we have fights about it. But then we let it go and move on. Life is life and it isn't going to change right now so we either have to live with it or don't live with. And we choose to live with it.

Perhaps you need to give her space. Tell her that you can see she is unhappy and you want her to succeed so anything you can do to help you will do. It's her time right now in the marriage. There will come a time when it's yours.