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MY BREAKUP STORY ::: please give feedback

 
 
Fri 4 Aug, 2023 04:36 pm
I’ve never made a post like this before… I may ramble a little so apologies for that. I just feel like I have to get my whole story out because I’m so tired of analyzing it on my own… I’ve been so confused for months now, and maybe I’m seeking validation/closure from others because I never got it from him.

I was with my ex for 3.5 years. After about a year of dating, he moved into my small apartment and began renting out the condo that he owns (trust fund boy). I lived in a really fun beach town and we both loved being there all the time, so we decided to give living together a try, there, first. We lived there for about a year and a half, and it was small, plus we each had a dog. His whole family lives in the area and we so much time with them, almost every other weekend… took family trips, obviously every holiday together… it felt like I had a family here which was amazing, since my family is on the opposite side of the country.

My ex and I would fight. It wasn’t always great. It was the same pattern of arguments every time. I would bring something up that bothered me > he would get defensive or try and flip blame on me > I would get upset because I felt unheard and the problem wasn’t being resolved > and then he would get upset at me for my reaction > blame goes back on me. I’m telling you, it happened like this every single time I tried to express my feelings that he didn’t think were valid, or that I was overreacting. There was no accountability.

So yes, I recognized this was a problem, but I was so invested, with his family as well, that I was going to try to make it work no matter what.

Mind you, he was 30 when I met him, and had never had a girlfriend before…. So I just thought he might be teachable?

One thing that I had discovered after 3 years together, was that he was liking TONS of other girls’ Instagram photos. And I’m not talking family photos or pictures of their dogs, it was dozens of women in bikinis/showing their bodies. Thirst traps, if you will. And these were just the women that had public profiles where I could see that he liked pictures… he follows tons of other women with private accounts. They all live in the same city as us too… which is weird. Like, has he slept with them? Meanwhile he barely posted me on his Instagram. This obviously made me uncomfortable… and insecure. I confronted him about it and he said he said he would stop, but it still raised questions for me.

Anywho, after about a year or so of us living at my apartment, we were at his sisters house with the whole family and the topic of us moving into his condo and kind of taking the next step came up. His family was really encouraging us to do it. We started to consider it, but it gave me anxiety to leave the place I had established… so far from my hometown and family… give up my furniture and move into his place. I told him I wanted to be engaged before doing that. Of course that did not happen, and after a few months of toying with the ide of moving…and my apt. Lease was almost up, I gave in and we moved to his condo.

We opened up a joint account and took out a loan so that we could make MUCH needed renovations to the place. I got so into it. I love that kind of stuff. But I felt like I was doing it alone. I painted all of the kitchen cabinets alone, and Installed light fixtures, bathroom hardware, painted walls…. He did little to nothing. But I was having fun so that was okay… even though I wanted him to be a part of it with me.

Flash forward to February this year (We had moved in last September). I texted him at work asking about moving forward with buying/installing the bathtub. He pushed back on it… as always… just wanted other people to do this planning/installation work for him. And then he told me what we had left in the account. And my jaw dropped. I didn’t understand, because I had a general idea of what we had spent, and it was $3K less than that.

Long story short…. I discovered he had spent $3000 on just random stuff … even $300 on sports betting. It had been going on for months. I was beyond pissed. I told him we’d talk when he got home. He walked in… with an attitude… which pissed me off even more and we ended up screaming in each others faces and I broke up with him. Not to mention, he owed me $1500 from a year ago that he borrowed. He was terrible with money and would blow it all as soon as he got it.

I went to stay with a friend for a couple days. When I got back, we talked. I was willing to forgive him and try to reconcile. He was not. He felt it was best for us to go separate ways.

This shocked me. I just felt like… wait a second…you’re supposed to be trying to win me back. And that’s when my earth started to crumble. I had put everything into this. I was thinking forever. I gave up my security, my furniture, risked it all, and now I had to find a place to live again, start From scratch. No family here, limited friends. I was terrified. And devastated. He was everything I had going. And his family. I felt like I belonged here.

I started looking for places. I slept in the bedroom and he would sleep on the couch. He would continue to pursue sex with me throughout the next month. He would be hot and cold. He was kind and bought dinners for us. I would just sit in the room and cry. He didn’t seem phased. He only cried once and it was when I asked him to print out a rental application for me at his office. He came home, gave me a hug and was crying… then we had sex… and then he slept on the couch. It was so ******* confusing for me.

I wound up finding a place back in the same beach town… literally up the street from where I was before. I had to start from scratch. I’ve been in no contact since I left. I’m still struggling. It’s so hard. I’m trying to turn my sadness into anger. It helps a little.

Anyway, if you made it this far through my novel of a post, I hope you got something out of it. I just had to get this all off my chest. Kind of feels good exposing him, even though I’m not, since this is anonymous 😂.

Feel free to roast me (or preferably roast him) in the comments. I totally lost myself in the relationship so I have to harbor some of the blame for being in the position I’m in.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Fri 4 Aug, 2023 05:10 pm
@serendipity3333,
I did read the novel! Very Happy

I hope what you can do is take from this some learning.

For one thing, a relationship that is at all iffy is not a good candidate for moving in together and definitely not for sharing a bank account. And that goes double for him already owing you $$.

I suspect you also got caught up in the whole family thing, that you had an instant social life and acceptance and it was all pre-made if you will.

Kind of like he wanted to with the cabinet painting, etc.

So, you both wanted somewhat instant gratification, but in different ways.

You also had kind of a weird long goodbye to the relationship when you were still living there while you were getting your act in gear so you could leave. That caused confusion because you didn't have a clean break.

Personally, I look at him as having done you a solid by not fighting to keep you. It was all over but the shouting (although there had been plenty of shouting already) and at least he acknowledged that, albeit in a roundabout way.

A piece of advice: the next time you get involved with someone, measure the relationship in terms of them and what they directly bring to the table, and not their family and the social life, etc.

Of course it's great if everyone gets along, but you honestly don't have to worry about that too much unless there's a ring or a kid, IMO.

Next time, please protect your heart and your bank account better.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Sun 6 Aug, 2023 08:26 am
Get the other foot out the door. There's no future there.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Sun 6 Aug, 2023 02:38 pm
@serendipity3333,
I am sorry that you got shafted like this. Trust fund babies always come with a lot of entitlement issues and despite their financial freedom, they're mostly freeloaders too. Every lesson learned is costly and I hope you have learned from this and protect yourself from future repeats.

Not all is lost though. You could claim beneficial interest in the condo your ex-boyfriend owns. A beneficial interest is when a partner has contributed financially, or in a value-added way, to the property value. This includes contributing to the house equity, for example through the deposit or mortgage payments or renovations.

I would consult an attorney and see what my options are. It's about time your ex-boyfriend learns his lesson too!

Good luck!
0 Replies
 
 

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