My wife says I am inconsistent and stoic. How do I make her get over herself ?

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me and my wife have been married for 7 years. We have no kids yet. My wife complained to me and says that I am inconsistent. She says that she doesn't feel close to me and I don't share my life and feelings like she does with me but I think I share enough with her. I did tell her about my promotion at work and all the details that comes with it. I just never talk to her about my personal failures, family drama, family deaths. I also didnt tell her about the time I almost had a head on collision with a semi truck driver and I had to go into the shoulder to avoid the redneck and then I had to pull over because my heart was beating out of my chest and I thought I was gonna die from a heart attack. Physically I am a strong guy. I am body builder so it's important to always appear strong and hardcore in front of my woman to impress her but she wants me to be weak. But I don't want to appear weak. The day I almost died and then my heart was pounding because of that truck incident, I just calmed myself down eventually and then I moved on and got back home and cracked a smile for my wife as if nothing happened. I didn't even talk to her about that. She asked me how my day was and I told her I had a wonderful time at work and that's that. And it's not like I don't show her love. I buy her gifts very frequently and take her on expensive dates and last year I brought her a brand new Cadillac but apparently that doesn't make her happy enough. And it's not like we have no conversations. I do her talk about politics, cars, car buying processes, recession, inflation, the housing market going up ECT. I have logical conversations with her but talking about feelings is one of those things I hate doing as a man. And based off what my male friends went thro in their own past relationships, it's not a good idea to be vulnerable to a woman.

How do i make her understand that there is no problems in the marriage and she is just looking for problems ? In general I notice that women are never 100 percent happy in marriages. They always find something to nag about.

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@Vintagexx666,

Sounds like you don't have and don't want intimacy in your relationship. You have some kind of antiquated idea of what a man and a woman should be in a relationship. That's not going to work in 2023. I think couples therapy is in order but I doubt that's going to sit well with you.

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@Vintagexx666,

So, you've told us more about your life than your own wife, who you purport to love.

You don't give her the emotional intimacy that she craves and, instead, attempt to buy her silence with expensive gifts—and then get all bent out of shape when she's not, to you, suitably appreciative (and, apparently, shuts her trap about sharing feelings).

What other antiquated ideas about love and marriage have you got? Do you have to have sex even if she's not in the mood? Are the reproductive and financial decisions yours alone? Do you handle the taxes and insurance and car repairs so she doesn't have worry her pretty little head about such things?

Are you, perhaps, a time traveler from 1953? Because it's 70 years later and, news flash, that garbage about not being vulnerable to the person you love the most went out when Dobie Gillis was canceled.

Sincerely,

A person happily married for 24 more years than you—and we share a helluva lot more than you do.

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@Vintagexx666,

There are many issues here, but I will point out those things that have not been mentioned.

First off you lied to your wife. You told her you had a wonderful day whereas you had quite the opposite.

You talk about not wanting to show you are weak. Sharing your true feelings with someone you care about is actually the opposite. It takes great strength to open yourself up to someone and be completely vulnerable. You show weakness by hiding things. Only a very strong person and someone who is strong in their relationship is able to open up and be open about things like how they were so scared.

You could also tell her how you handled that situation; there is no weakness in that, that is normal physical and mental reaction. How you handle it afterwards; like you did, stop, park and calm down, then once you are prepared continue your drive. That is sign of strength not weakness.

To have a true and committed relationship, you need to be open with your wife on your feelings. The funny thing is, you not doing this, makes you look weak and sacred, not strong and brave.

1 Reply

@RPhalange,

I don't think of it as a lie. I just think that having a good or bad day is only my problem and I shouldn't bother my wife with that.
When I have bad days I just get over it. I hate complaining and venting to other people. Especially women. I am generally not someone who goes to other people to confide in.
As for the near car accident, it's also my problem only. My wife wasn't In the car with me. I got over it and moved on. No need to talk about it.
In general in prefer to suck it up.

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@jespah,

I thought these gifts would make her happy.
I don't ask her for sex. I am not even needy about that.
I do handle all the bills.
I am not a time traveller, I am just trying to man up no matter what happens. My life problems are mine to deal with alone. I just want my wife to have a comfortable happy life and not worry about a grown man's problems.

In general, women do say that they want their men to be vulnerable but when you are actually vulnerable as a man, it usually backfires on you in the worst possible way.

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@Vintagexx666,

Quote:

I don't think of it as a lie.

You may not think of it as a lie, but you did not tell the truth; that is a lie no matter how you justify it.

Quote:

I hate complaining and venting to other people. Especially women

First off, telling about your day is not complaining or venting. It can be, but if you give a narrative of your day, good or bad, that is communicating not complaining. Saying oh gosh my day sucked so bad I am amazed I got through it, is complaining/venting. After your wife asked how was your day and you answer, It was a bit scary. I almost got in an accident and tell her what happened, almost what you wrote here, is not complaining and venting, it is sharing your feelings and communicating.

Stating especially women, why? Women can be as strong as men emotionally. If you know your wife is more sensitive (this has more to do with who she is, not just because she is a women) then yes, you might want to make your narrative a bit less dramatic, but you still should communicate what happened and that for a moment it was pretty scary.

Obviously how you are handling things is not working. Your wife has come forward and voiced her feelings and concerns. If you do nothing about because of the way you are and feel, you may lose her.

To me, the subject of what you wrote here should be "How do I get over myself?" You are the one holding your relationship from progressing. Once you commit to someone, these things are not only your problem. You are a committed couple so anything impacting one of you, is your combined problem, else why even be a couple? You are being an individual.

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@jespah,

(Singing)” Doo-oo-bie…”
“I’m going to kill that boy!” Herbert T. Gillis
“Now, Herbert!” Winnie. Gillis

If you’re not someone who goes to others for help, what’s the purpose of this post?

Seriously, I wonder if this is made up? Naaaaah!

1 Reply

@Ragman,

I want to make my wife understand that as a man, I operate differently then a woman and I am the type of person who likes to complain and confide in other people and bother others with my problems.

1 Reply

@Vintagexx666,

I read your posts and the only thing it reminds me of is the song by Harry Chapin called Cat's in the Cradle.

You're going to find out how wrong you're being when you've lost her, your marriage and the possibility of a family. You are given the chance to grow as a human to see a new perspective and develop good communication habits and a strong relationship.

No worries, you'll change when the divorce paper's ink is dry. It's a shame you won't learn that now though.

1 Reply

Quote:

Seriously, I wonder if this is made up? Naaaaah!

From "inconsistent and stoic" to the last period. I doubt the "wife" part, too.

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@neptuneblue,

It's not like I don't communicate at all. I do tell her about positive things. But I don't complain and vent to her. I don't think those are grounds for divorce. It's up to me to choose to be vulnerable and open up.
And if I did open up and told her about my near accident or my bad days at work, what could she possibly do for me ? Console and comfort me ?
I am a grown hard working independent man. I don't need any consolations and emotional support from anybody. In fact I hate those things because I am not weak at all. Plus I know that being vulnerable to a woman is the last thing you want to do because this is how my wife could use it against me in the future. So I am not taking the chances.

1 Reply

@Vintagexx666,

Vintagexx666 wrote:

I don't think those are grounds for divorce.

Incapability is a major reason for divorce. You are not meeting her needs and she's been quite clear about that.

But, you keep doing you.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

Marriage is about accepting the other person the way he/she is.

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@Vintagexx666,

Well, for at least as long as she's willing to be with you. Then you can observe her strong desire for strength as well.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

Well no worries. I have all the strengh. I already proved to her how strong I am because I never complain to her about anything.

1 Reply

@Vintagexx666,

Vintagexx666 wrote:

Marriage is about accepting the other person the way he/she is.

That really depends on the way the person is, don't you think? For example, if someone's a bully, I doubt that would be acceptable.

1 Reply

@Mame,

I agree. But I am definitely not a bully. I am just someone who keeps to himself and don't like venting, complaining and confiding in other people.

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@Vintagexx666,

Aren't you venting, complaining and confiding here?

1 Reply

@Vintagexx666,

https://media.tenor.com/98XHrqTdC7UAAAAd/2020-everything-is-fine.gif

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My wife says I am inconsistent and stoic. How do I make her get over herself ?

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