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My wife is upset that I didn't tell her I was going to my grand mother's memorial

 
 
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:03 am
Me and my wife have been married for 7 years.
Saturday me and my family orgonized a memorial service at church for my dead grand mother who died just a year ago.

I did not allow my wife to attend the funeral initially but my own parents told me that I should let her come with me so I let her come. But that means I had to hold my tears and stop myself from getting emotional because I never cried in front of my wife. I simply never allowed myself to do that because I always wanted my wife to have a manly husband. Anyways, me and my family had a memorial for my dead grand mother and we had a family get together. I went without telling my wife because I wanted to have the freedom to be as emotional as I wanted and express my grief freely and I don't let myself do that around my wife. I am only comfortable being vulnerable around my family.

My wife later found out about it. She found it when my sister told her and she got upset with me telling me that I always hide things from her and it caused my sister to think that my wife is cold and emotionally unavailable and That she is not a supportive wife to me. But my sister is silly because I don't seek emotional support from my wife. Only from my family.

What can I do to make my wife stop being upset ? Should I buy her an expensive gift or take her on a vacation to make her forget the event ?
 
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:12 am
@Vintagexx666,
I think you should allow her to get a painfree divorce so she can find a man worthy of her time. That would be much better than an expensive gift or a vacation......
Vintagexx666
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:13 am
@glitterbag,
I don't think those grounds for divorce.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:20 am
@Vintagexx666,
Actually they are. Why would she want to live with and stay married to a man who doesn't think of her as family? Think about it for a minute, would you insist on going to the funerals or memorial services of people in her family? Maybe she doesn't see you as family either and would prefer to share her grief with the people who mean the most to her.........like you just did, completely cut you out.
Vintagexx666
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:22 am
@glitterbag,
I would be okay with that. I don't think I am part of her family. I am an outsider.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:24 am
@Vintagexx666,
Perfect grounds for divorce, she doesn't matter to you so why should she care to stay married to such an empty vessel? It sounds like punishment to have you as a husband.
Vintagexx666
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:27 am
@glitterbag,
I am not a punishment. I do provide for her and I buy her expensive gifts frequently.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:39 am
@Vintagexx666,
I don't know where you live or what culture you belong to, but to me having a man like you would be the ultimate punishment. If your culture admires a man for 'providing' and buying 'expensive gifts' as the sole responsibility, then find a woman who only values those things and don't burden a woman who expects to live a full and normal life. It sounds like you provide a zero sum of life enjoyment to the woman you refer to as 'wife'.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 07:40 am
@Vintagexx666,
Providing for and buying gifts do not make a good husband. The first person you should be able to cry in front of is your wife. If I were excluded from a ceremony like this by my wife I would be upset. Her family is my family. If it was done in secret, it would be an order of magnitude worse.

Not sure if you care for Jewish/Christian quotes, but the go to quote is “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 08:24 am
I think you need to apologize to her for not including her, number one. Number two, you need to explain fully why you didn't invite her. Men are allowed to cry. If you can cry in front of your family, why can't you cry in front of your wife? Crying does not make you less manly - it makes you more human. She would have been of some comfort to you and she may have cried herself. That's called sharing.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 12:15 pm
@Vintagexx666,
This is weird - you are married - dedicating your life to each and you cannot show who you truly are to her?

You hide things from her - I mean big things like going to a memorial for your grandmother? My sister as a result thinks she is cold and emotionally unavailable? Huh - isn't this the opposite ? Your wife is showing emotion? You don't seek emotional support from your wife? That is weird - a relationship between husband and wife is an emotional bond - unless you have an arranged marriage.

You cannot "buy" your wife - the way to make her less upset is to actually share yourself emotionally. Don't hide things - why it is wrong to cry in front of her? That is normal emotional feelings...real men do cry and any reasonable woman would not think less of a man and find him weak to do so.

This is just all very weird....
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 12:20 pm
@Vintagexx666,
Vintagexx666 wrote:

I am not a punishment. I do provide for her and I buy her expensive gifts frequently.


Agree with everyone on here - to put it to you this way - I once went on a date with a man who had a very financially strong job - he was doing really well financially.

We were getting along ok - I honestly was not physically attracted to him (it was a blind date) but he seemed reasonably nice. Later during the night he started flaunting his wealth a bit. I mentioned for some reason liking champagne and he ordered and expensive bottle - only to find after he does not like champagne (to me this was then wasteful - maybe he wanted me to drink the whole bottle) - then even later he said to me towards the end of the night - if you were to be with me you would never need to worry about anything, I would take care of you - meaning that money-wise I would have whatever I wanted.

I did not say it - as this was a cousin of a friend - but thought - I can take care of myself - I am not some helpless twit - never had another date that solidified it.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 12:25 pm
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

I think you need to apologize to her for not including her, number one. Number two, you need to explain fully why you didn't invite her. Men are allowed to cry. If you can cry in front of your family, why can't you cry in front of your wife? Crying does not make you less manly - it makes you more human. She would have been of some comfort to you and she may have cried herself. That's called sharing.


YES! That would be the only way to make it up to her. Be full out honest. Let her know how you feel about crying in front of her. And then have a discussion about it - let her express how she felt about you not telling her. And listen to her feelings. You two might just learn something very valuable about each other - and it may bring you closer.
0 Replies
 
Vintagexx666
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 01:14 pm
@Linkat,
I always thought it was unmanly to seek emotional support from your wife or girlfriend
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 01:21 pm
@Vintagexx666,
That is who you are supposed to seek emotional support from first.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 02:03 pm
@Vintagexx666,
Vintagexx666 wrote:

I always thought it was unmanly to seek emotional support from your wife or girlfriend


Where are you from and how old are you?

That is outdated and/or perhaps from a country/cultural that is what most would consider outdated.
Vintagexx666
 
  0  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 02:27 pm
@Linkat,
I am 35 years old and I am from the USA.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 04:33 pm
@Vintagexx666,
I think you are simply making all of this up. If any of it is true, your wife deserves a divorce and a sincere apology from you.
PoliteMight
 
  -3  
Reply Wed 1 Jun, 2022 10:37 pm
@Vintagexx666,
It is not an event of you lying/pretending. It is you being a little punk $#@# B. Beyond that is extremely childish and immature. Real men are honest and full of nothing but love. Not imbeciles too afraid to be a little gay.
.................
Dude your Wife should love you for you. Crying does not make you
any less "manly" or "masculant". The time to impress her should have
been put to rest once you and her went beyond that scale. Again
your not dating and does not make you weaker of a person, to cry
or show emotion.


The reality your wife is upset at you because you show weakness
by not being honest to her. Not only that you was being dishonest
with her.

It is like bs my father pulled on my grandmother. He went to her
homeland and he could have brought her to see her sister at least.
Because he was fearing all kinds of childish stuff because him himself
had zero faith in me and his own mother. To top it off he even lied/pretended
it did not matter where he went with his brother and kept it from me.
I assume he went to a titty bar, or lap-dance, or even associted with
escorts or whores. But again his dishonesty plays with the stupidity
he has shown my own mother when he was married to her and the person
he is with right now.

A real man is honest to the tooth and comb and his girl should be loyal
and understanding. You marry somebody is not trying to get sex from some
random girl on the street. Being honest is more important not hiding stupid
from the person you get in bed with.

Several years no children? Sounds like a sad marriage.

........

You can not erase things and just own up to your stupidity.
Just tell her "I did not want you to see me cry, I was embarassed.
My image to you from the first day I met you is more important then you
seeing me as a human."
0 Replies
 
Mrknowspeople
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 3 Jun, 2022 02:00 am
@Vintagexx666,
You have to change that login name.

I hope you are do okay. Sorry for your loss.

Sounds like you have a good wife. Sad you don't get why your wife would be upset. You share your life with her and let her support you on these things and everything.

Give her a hug or tell her you love her.
0 Replies
 
 

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