Would you bail him out?

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The wife and I are at odds again over her youngest son, my step-son. This young boy is constantly smoking weed and is not very productive in life. He lives for the here and now and will worry about life and responsibility later. For years this young man has always said that he hates to be alone. He always has to have a girlfriend with him or around him. Recently he and his live in girlfriend broke up and he's been staying at our house. Not in our house but at our house. Because of his constant weed smoking the wife and I told him he would have to sleep in his car in our driveway. This gives his mom a since of peace knowing he's somewhere safe. Shortly after breaking up with the gf he started parading a new girl around which lasted all of a month. Next thing you know he was back with the gf, but only on a "friendship" level. Basically a fwb type of thing. In his mind they were just friends.

Well, yesterday everything came to a head with the two of them. While working, me in the bedroom and the wife in the kitchen, I heard her on the phone fussing at him. Apparently, he and the ex-gf had gotten into it and she took his car. The wife came and asked me if he could report the car stolen. Here's the thing. The gf is a co-signer on the car so I told my wife that even though he was making the payments on it and primarily driving it, if she is a co-signer on it then it's technically her car too so she didn't steal anything. After more back and forth the wife got off work early and went to the next city and brought him home. I heard him and her in our house talking but then a few minutes later he was gone. Shortly before 5 PM the wife leaves again because she said that she was getting calls from the apartment complex that her son and the girl were causing a disturbance. She gets there and I guess he was trying to get his stuff out of the apt and the ex-gf and he were going at it. She apparently went through his phone while he was sleep and found out that he had slept with my daughter's roommate some time last week. The cops were called so when they got there he ran. The wife eventually convinced him to come back where he was promptly arrested for domestic assault. So now he's locked up in jail in the next county. The wife is mad with me because I won't go bail him out. I told her there's nothing we can do because in our state anytime there is domestic abuse somebody is going to be locked up for at least 24 or 48 hours mandatory. Told you, this kid has to always be up under some girl. It makes him feel like a man. Remember, last week the wife mentioned him coming to my family's T-giving dinner but I told him not to show up if he was going to be high. Well, he didn't show up claiming he wasn't feeling well that day. However he was at our house several times that morning and he was looking fine. I told my wife to let him stay there. She got him out of the situation but his dumb @$$ took an Uber back to the apt and caused a major scene. First of all I told her he shouldn't have confessed to sleeping with my daughter's roommate last week. Some things you have to keep to yourself. Don't wake me up at 3 AM asking me anything. I'm going to lie just so we can go back to sleep and deal with it later. Secondly, put a lock on your phone. My wife doesn't touch my phone much less try and go through it while I'm sleep. I have a 2 step code on it. But the thing is she's mad because I won't do anything to help get him out. Would you? Again, since they have been "technically" broken up he has been linked to 3 different girls. The wife wants to throw everything on the ex-gf claiming she's crazy. In her mind her son is a perfect angel. Again, would you bail him out? The wife wants us to go and try to get his car back and I told her that if we did then we could be charged with grand theft since the car is technically in her name too. He's in jail and the car is at her complex. That's auto theft all day long to me.

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@Barry2021,

The guy's an idiot but you still have to live with his mother.

Contact a lawyer and have him or her tell your wife what her son's rights are. Maybe he has some in the car, particularly if he's paid everything or almost everything.

This lawyer may also turn out to be a good choice for the guy's defense. If your stepson has $ then he should be paying for the lawyer. If he doesn't, then IIRC you and your wife have separate accounts. If so, then if she wants to foot the costs (likely in the thousands for a felony), then that's all on her. And she should be looking at stuff like this in the context of retirement.

Anyone with adult children is closer to retirement than not, and an expense in the thousands is not a good thing.

If you're protecting your assets now, fine. But are you protecting them for your retirement years? If you aren't (I am not a financial services expert), check into putting your money into an irrevocable trust.

This situation, forget the guy for a moment, this situation is going to come to a head eventually. Having a decent amount of money for retirement can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life when you're at your most vulnerable.

And in the age of Covid, a better assisted living or nursing home can potentially be the difference between having protection from a fatal disease, or not.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

The guy's an idiot but you still have to live with his mother.

Contact a lawyer and have him or her tell your wife what her son's rights are. Maybe he has some in the car, particularly if he's paid everything or almost everything.

This lawyer may also turn out to be a good choice for the guy's defense. If your stepson has $ then he should be paying for the lawyer. If he doesn't, then IIRC you and your wife have separate accounts. If so, then if she wants to foot the costs (likely in the thousands for a felony), then that's all on her. And she should be looking at stuff like this in the context of retirement.

Anyone with adult children is closer to retirement than not, and an expense in the thousands is not a good thing.

If you're protecting your assets now, fine. But are you protecting them for your retirement years? If you aren't (I am not a financial services expert), check into putting your money into an irrevocable trust.

This situation, forget the guy for a moment, this situation is going to come to a head eventually. Having a decent amount of money for retirement can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life when you're at your most vulnerable.

And in the age of Covid, a better assisted living or nursing home can potentially be the difference between having protection from a fatal disease, or not.

Well, this took a turn. It's not about financial planning or setting ourselves up for retirement but thanks. No, the step-son doesn't have much money to do anything other than buy weed. We will not be hiring him an attorney. He got himself in this and he will get himself out of this. There comes a point when you let grown people deal with grown people's situations

My mom told me and my siblings years ago that she would come bail us out of jail if we get arrested for defending ourselves but if we are down there for something stupid then she'll see us when we get out. None of my siblings have done any major time. Yeah, my brother did a few days because his now ex-wife lied to the police and said he hit her so they locked him up for 48 hours. Funny thing is that when the police showed up at his house he and his ex-wife were sitting together watching TV like nothing was wrong.

My step-son is thinking with the wrong head and I told my wife that he's stringing this girl along. One day he wants her the next he's riding someone else around in the car. He and the ex ever went to DC a few weeks ago just to visit. Who drives 6 hours to just go somewhere with an ex? Again, he's stringing her along without a care of how it's affecting her.

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@Barry2021,

Yes, I'd bail him out.

You clearly have issues to being a step dad while thinking YOUR children are the GOAT. Let's face it: YOUR daughter had unprotected sex, got pregnant by a jerk and dumps the kid on you any time she feels like it. And you are perfectly ok with that.

So, ok Mr. Judgey McJudgerson, so your wife's kid has issues. And you are purposefully letting rot in jail. I'm not sure if you really understand the implications of being jailed for Domestic Violence.

Get him out of jail.

You're actually right about the car though. Here's a thought, help him pay it off so this isn't in dispute any more.You've thrown enough money at your own kid, it's time to help hers. That's IF you're actually Christian enough to help someone who needs it.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

Yes, I'd bail him out.

You clearly have issues to being a step dad while thinking YOUR children are the GOAT. Let's face it: YOUR daughter had unprotected sex, got pregnant by a jerk and dumps the kid on you any time she feels like it. And you are perfectly ok with that.

So, ok Mr. Judgey McJudgerson, so your wife's kid has issues. And you are purposefully letting rot in jail. I'm not sure if you really understand the implications of being jailed for Domestic Violence.

Get him out of jail.

You're actually right about the car though. Here's a thought, help him pay it off so this isn't in dispute any more.You've thrown enough money at your own kid, it's time to help hers. That's IF you're actually Christian enough to help someone who needs it.

FIRST OF ALL THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER SO LET'S KEEP HER OUT OF IT. YES, SHE'S MADE MISTAKES BUT NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER SAID THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS BETTER THAN MY STEP SON.

I do not have issues being a step-parent, but I'm a firm believer in letting people deal with their own situations. He got himself into this. We have told him numerous of times to leave this girl alone and to stop running back to her playing with her feelings. We're not letting him rot in jail. He's been there all of maybe 16 hours. And it's not like she made up the charges. My wife said that there were witnesses to what was going on. Again, they were causing a scene at the apartment complex when she got there.

And what do you mean I've thrown enough money at my own kid? My daughter pays her own bills. She's never been in legal trouble so what are you basing that on? If you keep defending someone and bailing them out of every situation they get into then THEY will never figure things out for themselves. Every time they get into a pickle they're gonna come running to you for help. Sometimes you have to let someone figure things out for themselves. This isn't him needing help with a major car repair. This is him stringing his ex along then sleeping with several other women and he just got caught.

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This all seems very bizarre to me, either someone is a flight risk/a danger to others or they're not.

If they're the former they should be remanded in custody, if not they should be released until the trial.

I don't see how paying x amount of dollars changes any of that.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

This all seems very bizarre to me, either someone is a flight risk/a danger to others or they're not.

If they're the former they should be remanded in custody, if not they should be released until the trial.

I don't see how paying x amount of dollars changes any of that.

And he's not even seen a magistrate yet so there is no bail. We're dealing with domestic violence not a simple shoplifting issue. Bailing him out isn't going to open his eyes to want to do better. Letting him sit thee with a clear head, given he can't just smoke weed, may open his eyes a little. If he was trying to get his stuff he should have called a sheriff and had them meet him there. But with his weed smell they probably would have arrested him on the spot. I feel bad for him, not much though, but the things that happened he brought upon himself.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

Prisons aren't exactly drug free, over here the biggest problem is spice, supposedly a legal high substitute for cannabis.

It's no longer legal and it's nothing like cannabis, it's very powerful and very addictive.

The reason it's popular with prisoners and the homeless is because it's relatively cheap when compared to heroin and cocaine.

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@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

Prisons aren't exactly drug free, over here the biggest problem is spice, supposedly a legal high substitute for cannabis.

It's no longer legal and it's nothing like cannabis, it's very powerful and very addictive.

The reason it's popular with prisoners and the homeless is because it's relatively cheap when compared to heroin and cocaine.

Again, he's been in there less than 24 hours so he's probably not been put in the general population. And it's county lock up not actual prison. He's fine. I just think that you have to go through these things in life that you have set yourself up for. We have tried to tell him to stop smoking so much weed and to leave this girl alone. They've broken up and gotten back together so many times and I don't see this being the last time. Now the wife is angry with the girl but I had to remind her that her son had just as much to do with this than her.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

It's a very alien system, unless someone is a flight risk or a danger they're released.

People don't tend to spend very long in police cells unless it's something very serious and they need a long time to interrogate them.

Over here he would have been released after a couple of hours with conditions, usually staying in the same place, surrendering passports, staying away from the complainant and reporting to a designated policestation every day/week or whatever.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

It's a very alien system, unless someone is a flight risk or a danger they're released.

People don't tend to spend very long in police cells unless it's something very serious and they need a long time to interrogate them.

Over here he would have been released after a couple of hours with conditions, usually staying in the same place, surrendering passports, staying away from the complainant and reporting to a designated policestation every day/week or whatever.

In our state any time there is any type of domestic assault someone is getting locked up for a minimum of 24 - 48 hours mandatory as a cooling off period. No questions asked. They want to separate the two parties and allow them to calm down. No need in arresting them at 6 PM only to release them at midnight saying, "now don't you go back over there." It's happened too many times where the person arrested is still angry a few hours later and they go back and do more harm or even kill the person. Call it harsh just to lock someone up for 48 hours no questions asked but had he listened the first, 2nd, 3rd, 4th . . . . times and left that girl alone he wouldn't be in this predicament. When mom brought him home earlier in the day he should have stayed here instead of catching an Uber to go back and get his car and his stuff only to cause a scene where the cops were called.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

From what you're saying it doesn't sound if he was that violent, more a disagreement over who owns what.

Real violent offenders should not be released as they pose a risk.

And of course we don't have guns freely available.

I'm not saying mistakes don't get made but money is not a factor when deciding if someone should be bailed or remanded in custody.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

From what you're saying it doesn't sound if he was that violent, more a disagreement over who owns what.

Real violent offenders should not be released as they pose a risk.

And of course we don't have guns freely available.

I'm not saying mistakes don't get made but money is not a factor when deciding if someone should be bailed or remanded in custody.

My wife can go downtown and say I hit her and without even investigating the cops will come lock me up mandatory for 48 hours. There doesn't even have to be proof I did anything. In this situation my step-son and his gf / ex were outside in the complex and they were going at it. From what the wife said he was trying to put stuff in his car and she apparently was trying to stop him. Someone has video of him pushing her away, so in the minds of the cops, he's the aggressor. There apparently was no video of what she was doing, only what he did. However, when he was here earlier in the day he should have stayed here. Maybe the wife and I could have gone up there later to get his stuff instead of him going back up there and causing a scene. There's always another alternative.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

The more I hear about America the more grateful I am not to live there.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

Barry2021 wrote:

FIRST OF ALL THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER SO LET'S KEEP HER OUT OF IT. YES, SHE'S MADE MISTAKES BUT NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER SAID THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS BETTER THAN MY STEP SON.

I do not have issues being a step-parent, but I'm a firm believer in letting people deal with their own situations. He got himself into this. We have told him numerous of times to leave this girl alone and to stop running back to her playing with her feelings. We're not letting him rot in jail. He's been there all of maybe 16 hours. And it's not like she made up the charges. My wife said that there were witnesses to what was going on. Again, they were causing a scene at the apartment complex when she got there.

And what do you mean I've thrown enough money at my own kid? My daughter pays her own bills. She's never been in legal trouble so what are you basing that on? If you keep defending someone and bailing them out of every situation they get into then THEY will never figure things out for themselves. Every time they get into a pickle they're gonna come running to you for help. Sometimes you have to let someone figure things out for themselves. This isn't him needing help with a major car repair. This is him stringing his ex along then sleeping with several other women and he just got caught.

Yes, it IS about YOUR kid vs HERS.

How many days of the week does your grandkid get pawned off on family members to babysit? You happily don't get paid for it. SO don't even go there that she pays her own bills. No, she doesn't. And you're ok with that.

But hey, lock HER kid up, you don't like him, you think he deserves every nasty thing he gets. You're a rotten person, a horrible step-parent and even worse of a Christian.

You do you, dude. Ain't fooling anybody but yourself.

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One point for me would be how old this kid is. If he's 16, then yes, I would bail him out and give him a stern talking-to, but if he's old enough to be in a relationship (however dysfunctional), then he's old enough to know better. I'd let him sweat it out.

I agree with you that actions have consequences and if he's getting bailed out, he's not facing those. Sometimes people have to hit bottom (not saying that's true in this case) before they learn to take responsibility for their actions. So, no, I don't think your stance is unreasonable.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

One point for me would be how old this kid is. If he's 16, then yes, I would bail him out and give him a stern talking-to, but if he's old enough to be in a relationship (however dysfunctional), then he's old enough to know better. I'd let him sweat it out.

I agree with you that actions have consequences and if he's getting bailed out, he's not facing those. Sometimes people have to hit bottom (not saying that's true in this case) before they learn to take responsibility for their actions. So, no, I don't think your stance is unreasonable.

He's 25.

Now my wife is saying that he needs somewhere to stay once he gets out of jail. Again, several months ago when he and the gf originally broke up mom agreed to let him come stay with us, but, he would be sleeping in his car in the driveway because she knows how I am about weed smoking in my house. I do not allow it nor do I want to smell it. Whenever he comes to visit you have to go behind him with air freshener to sanitize everywhere he's been. It was okay for him to sleep in his car in our driveway. He worked at night so he would be inside a building during the coldest part of the day. But when he got off work he'd either end up with the new girl he was hanging out with or back with the ex. Now that she has the car that only leads to reason where is he going to sleep. Again, I will not tolerate that smell in my house. Me and mom will have to have a serious come-to-Jesus-meeting about this. I will not have a grown ass want to be man in my house coming and going as he pleases, smoking weed smelling up everything, using utilities but not financially helping out in anyway. Two of our granddaughters spend a lot of time at our house and I do not want them exposed to that smell.

Some people say I'm too harsh on him but I wasn't raised that way. Both of my parents were in the home and they ruled with an iron fist over me and my siblings. Still together today, some 60+ years of marriage and we all respect both of them for how they raised us. Those same rules I use in my house. My wife, on the other hand, thinks you should just let kids be kids and we should have no say so in how they live their lives. Just keep running to their defense because they need our help. Like hell we don't. Especially when you're coming back to us asking for a warm bed and a roof over your head.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

Yeah right.

Too bad you don't seem to bring the same harshness to YOUR kid, unmarried, can't/won't pay child care and dumps a baby at your feet anytime she wants.

0 Replies

@izzythepush,

You believe this stuff? He had me right up to "Once upon a time ... "

2 Replies

Would you bail him out?

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