My boyfriend does not show any affection towards me. I love him but I need affection what do I do?

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I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He does not show any affection towards me at all. No hugs, no kisses, doesn't put his arm around or even like to sit near me. At first I thought it was because he was shy. We have talked about it and every time I bring it up he gets mad and says that if he didn't love me he wouldn't come over and he would be around. He says that what I am wanting is a fairy tale that doesn't last. When I snuggle up next to him he just sits there or gets up. He tells me that he is not romantic and he feels like I am smothering him. He is a really good guy and I know if we ever get married I know that he will provide for me and my children. He calls me on the phone at least once a day and tells me that he loves me before hanging up. He takes care of things like making sure I have enough money and doing maintenance on my car and fixing things around the house. I came from a bad marriage where I was cheated on and emotionally abused. I have a very low self esteem due to a bad childhood and a bad marriage, I am currently seeing a therapist to get through these issues. I am constantly fighting with myself as to whether I should stay with him. I love him and I think he loves me but I need that assurance in the simple affection that I am not receiving. Any advice?

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[+3] - FOUND SOUL - 08/17/2014[quote]I came from a bad marriage where I was cheated on and emotionally abused. I have a very low self esteem due to a bad childhood and a bad marriage, I am currently seeing a therapist to get...

@Monkey5,

There are many ways to show affection. In general we, men, are not teached to be sensitive. In many cases it is even discouraged by parents, siblings and peers.

We end up learning about feelings and about what we like until we are grown ups. He may have his own way to express his love. It may change with time but the higher odds are the he won´t.

You should worry if he was romantic before, and now has became cold. That would be something bad. But in your case he simply seems to be acting upon his personality.

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@Monkey5,

Monkey5 wrote:

He tells me that he is not romantic and he feels like I am smothering him.

He is a really good guy and I know if we ever get married I know that he will provide for me and my children.

It really sounds like the two of you are completely incompatible. You might persuade him to act differently, but I just don't see a real change coming along. Sorry for not being able to be more positive.

As for the marriage, providing for you and children is nice, but I don't think you are going to be able to live like that.

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@Monkey5,

Quote:

I agree, but there is some hope. It's small, but it's there.

If you dont want to live with no affection from your mate then pick someone else. Seriously...you cant figure this out for yourself?

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@Monkey5,

Quote:

I came from a bad marriage where I was cheated on and emotionally abused. I have a very low self esteem due to a bad childhood and a bad marriage, I am currently seeing a therapist to get through these issues.

I understand that therefore, you feel "safe" with being with someone that you believe won't cheat on you or be emotionally abusive towards you.. I understand that your previous marriage made you feel vulnerable and that you probably entered that marriage due to your childhood problems.

I'm really pleased that you've taken the time to work through all of this through a therapist. You have to find yourself before you can find what you want.

What you want more than anything is to love and receive love back.

This man doesn't like to show affection or give much of it.. You can't change that, he's told you he feels smothered.

You don't want to walk through life feeling that you are in a loveless relationship either.

I'd take a step back, keep seeing your therapist, learn more about what YOU want in life not what you've HAD... Then allow someone to come into your life.

He sounds like he would take care of you and your children but that you will forever feel un-loved. Because you haven't started loving yourself yet..

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He gets mad when you start being affectionate or ask him about it?

OMG - get out of that relationship ASAP. He is using you. Is he gay? Does he have another girlfriend?

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@Monkey5,

Check out Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. In the book he talks about how people need different things and behaviors from their partners. Some people value hugs, others value gifts, while others value acts of service while others value words of appreciation. It may be he's not a hugger, but he may be starving for words of appreciation, or small gifts, or help with work. Good book check it out. He also has a lot of free stuff on his websites if you don't want to buy the book. It might change your relationship with everybody in your life.

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@Monkey5,

I've been married 30 years to a "good man", never had affection outside of a great sex life-no hand holding, cuddling, no kiss hello, goodbye, or goodnight, and it never changed, the only thing that changed was me feeling horribly deprived of love and resentful. I gave him and raised four children, a nice home, home cooked meals, looked after him when he was sick, helped him with his business and homework in pursuit of a college diploma, supported his hobbies, and no matter how much I gave of myself or expressed how much I needed affection it never came. I am planning to leave the man I've loved for 30 years after the holidays, not because I no longer love him, but because I love myself more, and deserve to be loved back by a man who is capable of loving back. Run now, and save yourself the heartache.

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@donetrying,

Good for you, done.

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@luismtzzz,

The Same thing happened to me....but he used to be affectionate and then we broke up and a week later we got back together.....why isnt he showing affection anymore?

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@Monkey5,

He sounds like a very nice guy. You are one of those people who feels loved by touch. He shows love by acts of service. He is too good a man to let go. Try talking about it with him. My husband is like that and I really have found it hard over the past 25 years.

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@Monkey5,

You're a woman. We women need to be touched. Shoot! Everyone needs to be touched, but especially we women.
So why allow yourself to be deprived of that?
As far as marriage is concerned, that's up to you. Yet, think of this: Girls learn what a man is from their fathers. Boys learn what a man is from their fathers. Would you want your children to believe that a man is supposed to withhold affection?
Just think about that.

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My boyfriend does not show any affection towards me. I love him but I need affection what do I do?

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