7
   

Is this the straw that broke the camel's back?

 
 
Reply Tue 21 Sep, 2021 05:14 am
As many of you know my wife and I are having some major issues these days. She feels that everything she says is right. No matter what I do I'm always wrong. If I don't do something the way she would do it then she's going to let me know I could do it better.

This situation is currently happening that I feel I can't forgive her or move past. As you all know we're grandparents. My step-son, my wife's oldest son, has a 5 year daughter. Since that little girl was about a month old my wife and I have been getting her every other weekend and we absolutely love her to death. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I hate it when her other family has plans and we may miss a weekend with her. Well, this past March my own daughter have birth to my first and only biological granddaughter. Again, there is a level of love I could not explain when it comes to her. First of all I do not and never have I ever singled out any one grandchild over the other. Never have, never will. For a few weeks now my wife and I have been talking about going to buy both girls some fall/winter clothing giving that the weather is starting to cool down. So we went to a local store and when we walked in she took the cart and went to the little girl area and I walked over to the baby section. She loaded to cart full of clothes for the 5 year old and I meet up wit her with an arm full of clothes for the baby. Purchases made and we left. She bought for one grandchild and I bought for the other. Some of the clothes Some of the clothes I bought for the baby may have been a little small so last night I took them back for a refund then ended up spending more money on her replacing them. When I got home my wife walked into the room I was in and made this statement. "Oh, I see you're singling out the girls. You use to do stuff for "insert name". But now that the baby is here you only bought clothes for the her." I couldn't figure out what she meant by that because while we were in the store she only bought clothes for the 5 year old. She was saying that I think my daughter's child was more important than her son's child because I only bought for her. Again I show no favoritism to either child. Just this past Sat morning our 5 year old had to cheer for her little POP Warner football league so I drove almost 30 miles by myself to go see her. My wife didn't go. Sunday morning my wife didn't go to church but I took the 5 year old with me. I get angry when my wife doesn't schedule to get the 5 year old on the weekends because I miss her when she's not here. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her but in this instance my wife bought clothes for the 5 year old and I bought clothes for the 6 month old. I guess in my wife's mind we should have mixed and mingled the clothes and she took some of the baby's stuff and I took some of the 5 year old's stuff that way we could say we "both" bought for them. I honestly think my wife is losing her mind. This may be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. How am I wrong here?
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Sep, 2021 07:57 am
Why are you two even together?
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Sep, 2021 08:49 am
@Mame,
You ask a good question and to be honest with you I don't know. I'm trying to make this work with her but it seems she has to find something to make an issue out of. No one in their right mind would have ever looked at this situation and said, "since you only bought clothes for the 6 month old then you are singling out one child above the other." Again, my wife bought a ton of clothes for the 5 year old so how is she any different? My biggest issue is that both the girls have adequate clothes for the winter not that one child has clothes and screw the other one.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Sep, 2021 02:10 pm
I can’t believe that two adults would go on such a shopping trip without a plan. You two needed to talk before grabbing clothes.

Your marriage is one huge miscommunication.

Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Sep, 2021 03:43 pm
@PUNKEY,
Why does there have to be a set out plan? We went to get fall and winter clothes for our grandbabies. She paid for one and I paid for the other. In her mind, I paid for the baby's clothes so I'm obviously going to start only buying for the baby. She's not looking at the fact that she bought for the other grandbaby. So does that not a pattern make? Should I now assume she'll start neglecting the baby for the 5 year old? Nope! My mind doesn't let me think that way. What my mind see is that both girls have fall and winter clothes, period!
0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 07:09 am
My wife is now mad at me because I don't want to go to her cousin's surprise birthday party this coming Sat. Her cousin's husband is always doing stuff like this and for years and years we've always traveled an hour or so to go visit them and hang out at their house. This weekend she asked me if I was going to the party next weekend. She looked at me puzzled like I was supposed to immediately say yes and go gas up my truck. We've gone to nearly every event they have but this time I just don't want to go. I love her cousin and her husband but would just rather not go this time. Last night she asked again if I was going and she pressed the issue that "we always go". I told her I wasn't going. She then said this to me that made me think she's an almost 51 year old baby. She pouted her lips and said, "we never do anything fun!" I honestly think my wife thought her life would be like one of those retirement commercials. An older couple always riding around in the mountains in a convertible or a couple walking on the beach with their pants rolled up throwing a stick to a dog. 52 and 50 are not old by a long shot but I think she is not realizing that there is still a major issue with covid and people getting sick and dying. Again, I love her cousin and her husband but we don't know who they are around or socialize with when we're not there. We don't know if they're vaccinated or not. I think my wife feels that she was supposed to marry a guy who just always wanted to do things with and for her. Then she tried to turn this around and say that I'm only doing this because she never wants to hang out with my family. She's partially right. Any time I've asked my wife to come hang with my family she always says no. But because I've always gone with her to her family stuff then I'm always suppose to say yes. My wife feels that we should be doing something every weekend that's fun and exciting.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 07:45 am
@Barry2021,
How much of your life are you enjoying? How much of that involves your wife?
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 09:08 am
@Mame,
I enjoy every bit of my life but as you get older your priorities should change. I didn't club in my 20s or 30s so now that I'm in my 50s I have no desire to go out dancing. My wife is what you would call a creature of habit. Once you start doing something then you are always suppose to do it. We usually go out on Sat and run around, do errands together, maybe hit up the mall, then go get something to eat. But if I have something to do that doesn't involve or include her then she feels neglected. I feel responsible for her enjoyment. If I don't plan "us" something to do then she's upset. Sometimes I feel like her court jester just here to keep her entertained and amused. And to piggy back off my first sentence, I enjoy my life with her but sometimes I just want to sit on the sofa on a Sat and watch college football or catch a baseball game. Or, just spend time with our grandkids. Again, we've always gone to her cousin's things and since we've "always gone" we are suppose to "always go." I would rather not go this time and she is more than capable of going by herself. But maybe, just maybe, I'm looking at this as since you never want to do anything with my family then I'm not going to keep doing everything with your family. I love her but I do not want to be connected at the hip with her 24/7.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 10:35 am
@Barry2021,
You talk out of both sides of your mouth here though. To quote, "I get angry when my wife doesn't schedule to get the 5 year old on the weekends because I miss her when she's not here." Then there's "If I don't plan "us" something to do then she's upset."

I don't think I've seen a marriage that's this dysfunctional.

If you don't want to go to her family's place, then DON'T. But not go for the right reasons, such as detesting them, other plans or sickness. You want to make it a game, if she doesn't go to yours then screw her, you'll not go to hers.

It's the tit-for-tat mentality that is your own making.

She does not want grandchildren 24/7. She HATES your church. She WANTS to spend time with YOU and you go to great lengths to avoid that.

I have a sneaking suspicion your "religion" makes you think she should be subservient to you. Well, she's telling you and showing you, you aren't her boss.

So quit acting like it.
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 11:27 am
Ironically this is the straw that broke the camel's back - about me answering any more of these inane questions and posts.
0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 12:01 pm
@neptuneblue,
Trust me, I'm not going because I "detest" her family. I absolutely enjoy hanging out with them. I just don't want to go this time. Is that so hard to understand? And anytime our 5 year old is here with us then she knows I'm gong to be focused on her. Come on, she's 5 and one of the apples of my eye. When the weekends roll around when she's not here then it's about the wife. But there are times when I don't want to do everything even with the wife. Everyone needs alone time.

We don't have the grandkids 24/7.

If she wants to find a different church no one is twisting her arm to stay where we are. No, my religion does not make women subservient to men. She is allowed to do whatever she wants.

And I do spend time with my wife but I don't want to spend all my time with my wife. Nobody wants to spend every free minute with their spouse. Even when I go take a drive just to get some fresh air, in her mind, "nobody just drives to get fresh air." But what she's saying is "I wouldn't drive and waste gas like that so you shouldn't either."
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 03:03 pm
Neutral Rolling Eyes
0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  0  
Reply Thu 23 Sep, 2021 08:06 am
My wife is just suspicious over everything I do. Yesterday, my sister, who lives down the street about a mile from us watched my grandbaby, her great-niece. When I got off at 6 I usually goes and picks her up and brings her back to our house for a little while. When I did that it was raining really hard so when I got back to my house I just grabbed the baby carrier and ran into the house. I left her diaper bag, blanket, and a few of her things in my truck. Out of site, out of mind. My daughter came a little while later. She got the baby and left. Neither of us remembered that I didn't give her the diaper bag or any of her things. While in the kitchen cooking a little while later, my wife was in the bedroom so my daughter called to say she forgot the other stuff. I told her I would bring it over after I finished cooking dinner. An hour or so later I told my wife I had to go run the baby her stuff. Left and came back home.

This morning my wife walks into the bedroom where I'm working and asks this questions. Why did your daughter wait several hours to remember she forgot the baby's stuff. She didn't. She called me when she got home and I told her I would bring it to her later. My wife was on the other side of the house so she didn't hear that phone call. However, I told her where I was going but in her mind, that was suspicious that I left the house so late like maybe I was just making it up to get out of the house. You ever had to deal with someone who always looked at you like everything you do/did is suspicious?
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Sep, 2021 11:45 am
@Barry2021,
Simply a case of miscommunication and a few miscues. No big deal. If you communicate all of the facts and events to your wife, she should understand. Couples therapy is a good idea, however
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Sep, 2021 02:14 pm
@Barry2021,
Ok, so far, you've said everything that is really irritating about your wife. Some things may be true and some not. The thing is, you've got to learn to work together in a marriage. And I don't see either one of you managing to do that successfully.

So, let's start with: What are three things you'd like your wife to change about herself to specifically cater to you and your needs? And list them as a priority as must haves, not cheap shots as you have been.

Then, list three things that you KNOW you can change about yourself. Take stock of your behavior, your communication, your habits and your control issues about yourself.

If you want to solve an issue you have to look at it as a communal problem, not just hers and not just yours. SO, let's hear these lists of three things to change.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 05:22 am
@neptuneblue,
Well said!
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 06:25 am
After reading all the advice given to this couple, and the fact that they're still having these issues and defending their positions, I highly doubt that they're going to change. They need to divorce.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 06:30 am
@Mame,
...especially when he can never express very many positive feelings or talk about the love they share between them.
0 Replies
 
StarbucksFreak
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 07:33 am
@Ragman,
"If you communicate all of the facts and events to your wife, she should understand."

So you're assuming this guy hasn't expressed or communicated anything with his wife after all these years? Talking is not always the solution if you have one person who doesn't want to hear what you have to say and feels that everything they do is right and everything you do is wrong. I remember someone commented on a previous post how this woman won't go spend time with his family but expects him to always do things with hers, she thinks his granddaughter is at their house too much but her son's child is always there, they can never take her car on vacation or a road trip because she doesn't want to put all those miles on it so they have to always drive his and put all those miles on his car. Shall I continue? Let's stop looking at this guy as the problem. Yeah, maybe he complains a lot here but maybe he's just venting because the person he chose to spend his life with doesn't listen to him. Sounds like this woman lives by the theory of "happy wife, happy life" or "if momma's not happy then nobody's happy." How is it fair that she gets everything she wants but he just has to go along with everything she says and does?

Believe me, I'm not arguing or disputing with anyone on this board but this guy doesn't sound like the problem. His wife refuses to even listen to any of his concerns. She sounds like the one unwilling to bend a little.
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 08:13 am
@StarbucksFreak,
I think they're both the problem; they're mismatched. In an earlier, maybe initial, post, he mentioned that she wanted the marriage her parents had. Apparently, her father was devoted to his wife. Knowing that, and knowing how Barry2021 isn't that way inclined, he shouldn't have continued the relationship. The same goes for her. It wouldn't take long to figure out he didn't meet her needs or expectations. But... they carried along anyway, so it's on both of them. And reading their posts, neither of them really want advice. They want validation. That doesn't help. And each issue is pretty petty, but if you get enough of them, you wind up with a lot of resentment and dissatisfaction. They seem so entrenched in their positions to the point I don't think they'll ever get out of them.
 

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