7
   

Is this the straw that broke the camel's back?

 
 
StarbucksFreak
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 10:47 am
@Mame,
I wholeheartedly agree with you that they both are the problem. You don't date someone with the hopes that they will be like someone else. If her dad worshiped the ground her mom walked on then that's what works for them. If this guy has never done that at any point then why would she expect him to all of a sudden become her like her dad after they got married? Again, yes, they both are to blame but if she's not willing to bend even a little then he won't either. He can't just keep giving in to her because she stomps her feet and holds her breath. And what I have seen is that a lot of those who responded to him must think that this forum board is some sort of therapy session and everyone is a licensed therapist. Come on now, we all have problems so none of us are right simply because we think they should do what we suggest. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any woman where they called all the shots, made all the rules and I had to just satisfy every demand they had. That's why I'm not in one at the moment. But if I was and my girl started up with this type of crap, you only hang out with my family, we take your car everywhere, etc, etc, etc, then she's gonna be back on the market very soon. It's ridiculous what guys have to put up with when it comes to the woman they choose to date or marry.
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 11:25 am
@StarbucksFreak,
I disagree with your assessment. I think he's a master gaslighter, making it seem she's acting irrationally. He'll refuse to answer any question that refers to him changing his behavior, he'll continue to paint her in the worst light while he seems to ask with impunity how right he is.

Relationships are give and take.

Coupled with his extreme views of family and church, his wife does have legitimate concerns yet to be taken seriously. Yes, OP is venting but he's also asking who is right or wrong, painting himself always in the right.

So, yeah, I get her frustration and anger.
StarbucksFreak
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 12:21 pm
@neptuneblue,
"He'll refuse to answer any question that refers to him changing his behavior"

So he changes his behavior, which means, he does what she has been asking and you know what will happen. He's just feeding the beast. She gets worse and demands more. Everyone needs to be told no sometimes. And yes, I've seen some of her posts and they are a bit irrational. A girl is speaking to her husband while they all are leaving church one sunday and the wife thinks there's something going on between them. So no woman can ever just speak to your man without you thinking something's up? No woman is going to keep me from or limit my contact with my grandkids (when I have some) but he has to change to suit her? And what extreme views about family and church are you looking at because I've not seen any other than him hanging out with his family on Sunday afternoons at the parent's house for dinner, which the wife seems to just sit around and wait on a plate of food instead of just going to get a fresh plate. I'm of the belief that if you're not going to go somewhere then don't expect anything from there simply because someone is going there. If I tell you I'm going to Ruth's Chris with some friends or family and you decide you don't want to go then do not expect me to bring you a doggie bag just to be nice. You had every opportunity to go and you chose not to. I agree with you, they are both to blame but do not put all the blame or even 51% on him. She is the one doing most of the demanding here. I see this guy as being beaten down until he's tired to talking to her or even dealing with her but wants to keep the marriage together. Again, that doesn't mean he just has to give in to every demand she makes.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 12:44 pm
@StarbucksFreak,
So let's see...

She goes to church but does not speak to anyone or stand up when they stand up (asocial and disrespectful).
She rarely goes to his family's Sunday get-togethers and when she does, she sometimes leaves early (asocial and disrespectful).
She doesn't want to use her car on a long trip which has the only AC and probably uses less gas (no idea how to tag this one).
She talks to him when he's on the phone at work even after he asks her not to (disruptive and insensitive).
She wants to 'play with him' (whatever that means) while he's at work (disruptive).
She interrupts his work call at quitting time (monitoring).
She doesn't want the grandkids over there as much as he does (I understand this one).
She wants him to wash her car (lazy and demanding).
She wants him to go to all her family gatherings (demanding).
She gets jealous when he speaks to another woman or delivers the baby things to his daughter (insecure).
She apparently doesn't have any friends (asocial).
She doesn't seem to like doing things by herself (co-dependent or dependent).

He wants her to be more sociable, i.e.:
- He wants her to get more involved with his church people (demanding and controlling).
- He wants her to go to more family gatherings (demanding and controlling).
He wants to have his grandkids over when he wants them over (demanding and controlling).
He doesn't want to do every single thing with her (I understand this).
He doesn't want to always wash her car (I understand this).
He doesn't want to drive a non-AC car in the heat on a miles away trip (I understand this).
He doesn't want her interrupting him at work (I understand this).

I don't think he's gaslighting her. It's just a very dysfunctional relationship that's going nowhere because neither of them are changing, listening, even acknowledging the other. It's a lose-lose thing going on here.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 12:57 pm
@StarbucksFreak,
StarbucksFreak wrote:
So he changes his behavior, which means, he does what she has been asking and you know what will happen.


He'll quit bitching about her? We can all dream about that.

StarbucksFreak wrote:
I've not seen any other than him hanging out with his family on Sunday afternoons at the parent's house for dinner.


Yes, EVERY weekend, which she doesn't like his family at all.

StarbucksFreak wrote:
which the wife seems to just sit around and wait on a plate of food instead of just going to get a fresh plate. I'm of the belief that if you're not going to go somewhere then don't expect anything from there simply because someone is going there. If I tell you I'm going to Ruth's Chris with some friends or family and you decide you don't want to go then do not expect me to bring you a doggie bag just to be nice. You had every opportunity to go and you chose not to.


She's never asked him to bring food home and he has had every opportunity to tell his mom to not make her a plate and/or bring it home.

StarbucksFreak wrote:
I agree with you, they are both to blame but do not put all the blame or even 51% on him. She is the one doing most of the demanding here. I see this guy as being beaten down until he's tired to talking to her or even dealing with her but wants to keep the marriage together. Again, that doesn't mean he just has to give in to every demand she makes.


Ok, 50/50 then. But don't be moving the goal post here. He's just as bad as she is.
0 Replies
 
StarbucksFreak
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 01:42 pm
@Mame,
"She goes to church but does not speak to anyone or stand up when they stand up (asocial and disrespectful).
She rarely goes to his family's Sunday get-togethers and when she does, she sometimes leaves early (asocial and disrespectful).
She doesn't want to use her car on a long trip which has the only AC and probably uses less gas (no idea how to tag this one).
She talks to him when he's on the phone at work even after he asks her not to (disruptive and insensitive).
She wants to 'play with him' (whatever that means) while he's at work (disruptive).
She interrupts his work call at quitting time (monitoring).
She doesn't want the grandkids over there as much as he does (I understand this one).
She wants him to wash her car (lazy and demanding).
She wants him to go to all her family gatherings (demanding).
She gets jealous when he speaks to another woman or delivers the baby things to his daughter (insecure).
She apparently doesn't have any friends (asocial).
She doesn't seem to like doing things by herself (co-dependent or dependent).

He wants her to be more sociable, i.e.:
- He wants her to get more involved with his church people (demanding and controlling).
- He wants her to go to more family gatherings (demanding and controlling).
He wants to have his grandkids over when he wants them over (demanding and controlling).
He doesn't want to do every single thing with her (I understand this).
He doesn't want to always wash her car (I understand this).
He doesn't want to drive a non-AC car in the heat on a miles away trip (I understand this).
He doesn't want her interrupting him at work (I understand this)."

Based on what you listed here. . . . . he's the problem? He needs to change to suit her?

From what you say she's disruptive, antisocial, insensitive, monitoring, and demanding. But he's still the problem who won't change for her? He doesn't want her interrupting him while he's working. She walks into where he's working and while on the phone she starts up a conversation. His car has no working AC but she doesn't want to take hers, assuming with the working AC. Does she drive a classic car or something? So she'd rather sweat than to put a few miles on her car. Cars were meant to be driven. And she wants him to do every single thing with her but she won't do everything with him, namely, just going to spend some time with his family. But again.....he's the one unwilling to change?

Maybe I'm missing something here!

And how is it demanding and controlling if he wants her to go to more family gatherings?
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 02:00 pm
@StarbucksFreak,
I think they're equally at fault, mainly, as I said, because they're both deaf to each other and don't seem to want to "fix" things.

She would annoy the hell out of me. He would annoy the hell out of me. I think she's unreasonable, but I think he is, too. Why bother going to church if you're not going to be social? He's a deacon, I think he said. He has responsibilities that she needs to accept. She's antisocial (unless with her family), so why can he not accept that?

See what I mean? Shared responsibility. But I do find her more annoying than I find him. I mean, washing the car? What? You have broken limbs? Why NOT drive your AC car? Why does he have to go to her cousin's? Interruptions at work or while on the phone? Not in my house... we just don't do that.
StarbucksFreak
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 03:04 pm
@Mame,
Yes, to piggyback off the church thing, my dad was a deacon and there is a lot of responsibilities he had that my mom was fully aware of. But even after church she still spoke to people, greeted them, said hello, gave a hug here or there. It doesn't sound like he's asking her to lead the bible study or teach sunday school. he's just asking her to be a little more social.

No, I probably wouldn't want to go visit someone's family every sunday but it sounds like she's not going any sundays. I think he said that this year alone she's only gone with him twice. This is plum near Oct and she's only gone to see his parents or family twice. I don't think he's asking too much there either. Oh, and didn't he say that she wanted him to go with her for a surprise b-day party for her cousin and given that he's gone every time in the past he didn't want to go this time and she got angry. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Again, he has to go celebrate with her and her family but she won't even got spend one measly Sunday afternoon with his, every once in a while.

And yes, if I drive my car I wash my car. I don't demand that someone else do it because I won't.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Sep, 2021 04:33 pm
@StarbucksFreak,
You wanna get married? lol
0 Replies
 
 

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