I agree with Eva as well. Your self esteem is your own but others can break it down. Take domestic violence. A perfect example. A woman who is beaten for so long starts to begin to believe that she is worthless and that she in some way or another deserves the beatings. Which is why they don't leave or they come back. Self esteem is incredibally fragile in some people and incredibally resiliant in others. You are making Toni the bad guy here because you think she should quit blaming her hubby on her self esteem issues. If he was trying to help her over this hurdle, I'd agree with you. But he has done nothing to help her help herself. Sometimes we need a hand up to get moving. She can't place her happiness on anyone else, thats true. And she can't expect her hubby/bf/whatever to make her feel good about herself but she can expect him to help her up when she is down. That is where other people can break you. When your guard is down and they kick you, your self esteem suffers because you think, "hey, maybe he's/she's right..."
Toni, on the other hand please know that I do not in any way consider you a victim of circumstance here. If you want to be happy and he is making it hard for you to love yourself, you need to leave. Take responsibility and leave. You are not so beaten down that you can't see he is harming your well being so quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.
Good luck.
i dont want sympathy off people.i want my self confidence back hes one of the nicest blokes ive ever met.yes hes made me feel like crap but i love him and also i live with him and we have a baby.hes nearly 7 months old.i dont want him to become affected by this.my boyfriend teels me he loves me and is really nice but i just wish he would stop looking at every woman around.he says he cant help it.maybe he cant but he can stop himself from staring.also its not just him whos made me have low self esteem other people have to dating back from quite a long time ago from when i was at school.its not that easy just to turn my self confidence back on again like a switch because i havent got any.if i did i dont think id be acting like this or saying any of this.can anyone suggest anything to help me become more confident?i know its me who has to do it but i need someone to help me on how to.i never said i was a victim in any of this but im not exactly a bad person either.im sick of feeling like i dont deserve to be treat good.im not feeling sorry for myself.im just sick of being walked all over by people.they think im some sort of doormat.i dont want to live like that.any one got any suggestions?
i'm not trying to make bad people out of victims. But there is only so much you can blame on other people. Eventually you got to say enough is enough, and start taking responsibility for your own happiness. True happiness doesn't really happen without any effort by you. It just doesn't fall into your lap.
What Tenoch and I are saying its up to you to let other people affect the way you feel, if you have low self esteem because you blame it on others for making you feel that way whos's fault is that???
Eva yes I know self esteem starts when you are a child but as you grow up all your thoughts mature and change completely as you do...
Toni self confidence and self esteem are 2 different things...so which are you talking about????letting people knock your self confidence is different from 'you' letting your self esteem become low....so please do clarify which is it????
As for victims of abuse thats a different story...that knocks both.
well let me start from the beginning i think i have got a reason to be like i am and if its not from this then i dont know what has done it.
this might be long sorry!!
well when i started school my so called mate made me her slave to her and her mates.before you say i was weak thats because 1 i was shy and 2 because i didnt know anyone else all of her friends went to my senior school so i had no 1 to turn to.she and her mates fell out with me if i went to the toilet with another person!.this carried on and they made me take away there plates etc etc i even stopped eating properly because they would leave me at lunch i i had not finished mine.so i only ate a bit.i was on free dinner so my so called best mate made me get her food.i was too scared to say no because shed fall out with me.then when my sister started i didnt want her to see me like this so one day i said no and they stopped just like that.but still i couldnt go with anyone else because she would fall out with me.i was shy and didnt dare make friends anyway.then i got so upset because my brother cracked up and tried to kill my dad because of my mum and dad splitting up etc.he went to jail twice in all because of that and because he set a church alight 3 times.he was bullied at school and it got to him.i was upset about everything so i began cutting myself it seemed like a release and im still suffering now sort of.its hard to stop it.but i dont do it as often only when im really upset.my friend still was treating me like her slave and still i didnt make any friends.but when i was in year 11 i got a bit more confident and made a few friends i even started to go out with someone.he was really nice at first until one day he started to do things to me.when i was asleep this carried on for a yr and a half.i was with him for 2 and a half years in total.i left him and although my mate was still there pretending to be nice she still treat me like crap.i was still cutting i felt i couldnt talk to anyone.then i left college (i went to college for 2 yrs after school)and started a job which is where i met this bf.he was looking at porn and other women and i got really low about it.we had a kid and moved house which is where we are now.im 21 in october and even though i dont see my mate as often it still haunts me for being so weak and low.i have loads of friends now but i dont want to bother them as theyve got there own problems.now it isnt that easy jut to get up and say right im going to be confident it doesnt work that way.with my new bf even tho i know he wouldnt hurt me i find it hard to sleep at night unless ive had a drink because of what my ex did.so to be honest i dont know what is wrong but how can i say that all of that was my fault wiv my ex what my brother did my so called best mate?and the cutting oh and there is more but it would go on too long.
so why havent i got the right to blame others for the way i am?is it my fault?because for so long ive been thinking it was i must of deserved it.
sorry it was long needed to get it off my chest there are things ive missed out but it would go on for ever .wot do you think ?whats wrong with me?
I'm done. This stuff is really out of my expertise. I'm refering you my dear to a therapist.
Toni_no12002 wrote:
so why havent i got the right to blame others for the way i am?is it my fault?because for so long ive been thinking it was i must of deserved it.
sorry it was long needed to get it off my chest there are things ive missed out but it would go on for ever .wot do you think ?whats wrong with me?
You really want to know? Self pity. That's your problem.
...so In actual fact Toni you have greater issues to address other than just the porn.....I think you need to identify, seperate and sort each one from the beggining-I feel for you, but I think you have a lot on your plate emotionaly and the whole lot together is holding you down.....
and here I also would suggest you to seek some sort of professional help.
Sorry kiddo, all the best.
im not after pity i dont want pity i just want help on how to get my self confidence back is that to much to ask?i dont feel sorry for myself whats happened has happened and i know i cant change that.wouldnt you be upset bella dea if you was raped most nights and even when you was trying to get to sleep you couldnt because you was too scared off what might happen.i think in someways i have got a right to be angry at what happened to me.because im sure that if it happened to you you would be!i dont want people to be sorry for me.i mean you dont even know me.im just asking how i can stop feeling so low all the time and if there is any things you can do to build my self esteem????
Toni_no12002 wrote:im not after pity i dont want pity i just want help on how to get my self confidence back is that to much to ask?i dont feel sorry for myself whats happened has happened and i know i cant change that.wouldnt you be upset bella dea if you was raped most nights and even when you was trying to get to sleep you couldnt because you was too scared off what might happen.i think in someways i have got a right to be angry at what happened to me.because im sure that if it happened to you you would be!i dont want people to be sorry for me.i mean you dont even know me.im just asking how i can stop feeling so low all the time and if there is any things you can do to build my self esteem????
You have a right to be angry, pissed, infuriated. But quit talking about it and seek help from someone who can help you. I am sorry you have had to deal with the things you've dealt with. We can't build your self esteem. Go see a professional.
sorry if i snapped at you i didnt mean it i just feel so down and dont know where to turn.do you really think seeking advice from a counsellor would work?i know that many of you would think im feeling sorry for myself but most of all i need my self confidence back.thing is doesnt councelling cost ?i dont have that much money
Not necessarily. There are social service agencies in most towns in the U.S. that offer counseling for free. Or you might try calling a church. Many churches have ministers on staff with counseling credentials, and they offer their services free or at very low cost.
thing is i live in the uk.i have to go through my doctor and not being nasty to him but they dont exactly listen to you.theyd probably just put me on pills!
toni,
i'm speechless, i really am. I don't claim to be no expert. My opinions are based on the info i'm given. if all this info was given to me at the begining i'd of kept my mouth shut and let other people handle the giving of advise. I'd honestly reccomend a professional in this case, not because I think your crazy or are just stupid, but because i lack the education to really give you any kind of advise.
tenoch it doesnt matter if your not an expert at it i dont mind i want to know what people suggest even if you dont know much about it.any advice would be good
thanks
The advice, my dear, is to seek someone out who can help you. Advice will do nothing for you. You have to do this alone. With the guidance of a professional of course.
well i was going to the doctors soon anyway so ill see how it goes thanks
I know how you feel
I am one of the women who have written about their men and pornography. My husband wouldn't give it up for me either, eventhough time and time again he said he would, because he understood how it hurt me. I would find it hidden amongst his belongings or in the closets , etc. I'm posting because I was given some advice as well, and it didn't work , for me anyhow. I was told to try to get my hubby in to couples' counselling with me and if he refused, to go by myself, to get the tools to help my relationship get better. He refused, so I went, alone. After a while of going to counselling, I did try everything I was told would help me. I tried communicating my feelings, fair fighting, etc., but to no avail. He kept on. He'd try to hide it even deeper in our computer, kept stuff in our garage, in the trunk of our car, etc. , and I'd eventually come across it. I'd confront him too. I eventually quit counselling because no matter how much I was listening too, he wasn't there to listen to the advice, so how would it help us anyhow? It just started more arguments, and I was becoming frustrated that it wasn't working.
After all of this, being together for almost 10 years, three children, a house , two vehicles and two dogs, the end came.
I had done my best to be a good wife and mother. I have loved this man since the first day I laid eyes on him, and this last weekend, things exploded.
He left me for a women he met on the pc at a porn site, run in my hometown.He ran out on me and my children, for one of the women he would drool over.
My point is this: I am not unattractive, nor a prude in the bedroom. I am not overweight, nor do I have a low libido. I did not like the pornography, because it was replacing me, in our sex life. Now, she has.
If you don't like the porno your guy watches, looks at, etc. and he won't stop , or listen to your feelings....even with a child in common....end it before you've been in it for so long that you lose yourself and he leaves you!
