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Is My Wife A Sex Toy

 
 
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2021 01:16 pm
My wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore. It was a real shocker to me since we’ve been married over 30 years. I’ve asked her to take care of my needs and she said it makes it feel like she’s a sex toy. She’s done oral, boob jobs, hand stimulation and its amazing.

I don’t want to disrespect her and would feel uncomfortable if that’s how she feels.

She’s offered me the opportunity to seek other women for sex but I can’t do that. I love her dearly and she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. Ladies especially, am I asking or expecting too much. Thank you.
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 675 • Replies: 42

 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2021 02:03 pm
@Droppedmypizza,
Yes. No one should do what they don't want to do.
0 Replies
 
hightor
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2021 02:22 pm
@Droppedmypizza,
Quote:
I don’t want to disrespect her and would feel uncomfortable if that’s how she feels.

Let's see if I understand. You feel uncomfortable because she feels uncomfortable. But your discomfort outranks hers and she should be willing to undergo discomfort on her part to relieve discomfort on your part? I don't see how that can work. I think you're disrespecting her.
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2021 03:05 pm
@Droppedmypizza,
Droppedmypizza wrote:

My wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore. It was a real shocker to me since we’ve been married over 30 years. I’ve asked her to take care of my needs and she said it makes it feel like she’s a sex toy. She’s done oral, boob jobs, hand stimulation and its amazing.

I don’t want to disrespect her and would feel uncomfortable if that’s how she feels.

She’s offered me the opportunity to seek other women for sex but I can’t do that. I love her dearly and she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with. Ladies especially, am I asking or expecting too much. Thank you.



I disagree with both Mame and Hightor on this one.

You are a married couple...and sex is a part of that dynamic.

She apparently was okay with the variations for 30 years. But if they do bother her now, you certainly are within reason to ask for sexual satisfaction.

Her suggestion that you go elsewhere for the satisfaction has a jarring sound to me. I think it should to you also.

Sounds to me as though a very deep, comprehensive discussion is needed, perhaps even with a professional counsellor involved.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Sep, 2021 03:37 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Frank Apisa wrote:

You are a married couple...and sex is a part of that dynamic.


Lots of things are "part of that dynamic", but things often change. We used to like to go to concerts, dances, festivals, etc. But I have become an early bird and my husband is still a night owl so he goes with friends and I go to bed. Also, the music is so loud it hurts my ears, so I could wear ear plugs, sit outside (when possible), suffer it out, or not go.

I no longer have any interest in going to football games. He no longer wants to go on drives into the country. We no longer throw big parties.

You get older and we age, sometimes differently. But as long as there's mutual respect and loving, you can work it out.

We both have friends we'll do those things with. It's obviously different with sex, but if I was done with that, I''d be done. Period.

But I will give you a point for suggesting counselling. It may be painful for her, physically, in which case she should see a doctor. It may be something else. For sure, they need to talk about it (and I hope they have or will), but if she's not interested, that needs to be respected. Unfortunately for the OP.
0 Replies
 
hightor
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 02:39 am
@Frank Apisa,
Quote:
You are a married couple...and sex is a part of that dynamic.

No. Sex was a part of that dynamic. It's no longer a "dynamic" unless it's still mutually exciting and interesting, and desired by both partners. If you both decide to work this out, even see a counselor, fine. But the idea of making one person perform something she no longer wishes to do still seems wrong to me and I don't see why you would even expect her to comply, or why you would derive personal pleasure from it.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 05:42 am
@Droppedmypizza,
I think you're leaving out some of the story.

Is there a medical reason she no longer can have sex?

How often do you ask her to "take care of your needs?"

How do you reciprocate the feeling of intimacy and love?
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 06:13 am
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:

I think you're leaving out some of the story.

Is there a medical reason she no longer can have sex?


He did not say she can no longer have sex. He said, "My wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore.

Quote:
How often do you ask her to "take care of your needs?"


Is that really relevant? What if he asks for relief every day? Would that be sufficient reason to say "no" to sex at all?

If you think frequency is important, would you say to a woman, "Your desire to be a mother has lasted from age 17 through age 28, so continuing to want to be a mother is inappropriate?

The same drives that cause a woman to want to be a mother are at work causing a man to want to have sex. Yet we tend to treat the former with great respect...and the latter with a healthy dose of scorn and contempt.

That should not be.

Quote:
How do you reciprocate the feeling of intimacy and love?


Good question. I hope the OP is considerate of feelings of intimacy and love.
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 06:37 am
@Frank Apisa,
Yes, I do feel frequency can matter, especially if one is unfulfilled while the other is insatiable as the OP describes. I disagree the equivalency is motherhood, that's a totally different discussion.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 08:34 am
@Frank Apisa,
Frank Apisa wrote:

The same drives that cause a woman to want to be a mother are at work causing a man to want to have sex. Yet we tend to treat the former with great respect...and the latter with a healthy dose of scorn and contempt.


I certainly can't agree with this. Lots of women don't have a drive to be a mother. I'm a mother, and I certainly didn't feel a drive, need or urge to be one. And I don't treat "the latter" with any scorn or contempt.

This is too general and sweeping. We all know some men don't have much of a sex drive and some women do. Why would you think anyone would treat anyone's sex drive with scorn and contempt? It is what it is. No need for a judgement.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 09:27 am
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

Frank Apisa wrote:

The same drives that cause a woman to want to be a mother are at work causing a man to want to have sex. Yet we tend to treat the former with great respect...and the latter with a healthy dose of scorn and contempt.


I certainly can't agree with this. Lots of women don't have a drive to be a mother. I'm a mother, and I certainly didn't feel a drive, need or urge to be one. And I don't treat "the latter" with any scorn or contempt.

This is too general and sweeping. We all know some men don't have much of a sex drive and some women do. Why would you think anyone would treat anyone's sex drive with scorn and contempt? It is what it is. No need for a judgement.



Mame...have you ever heard anyone say, "All he is looking for is sex" contemptuously?

(Yes, Frank, I have. Lots of times.)

Have you ever heard anyone say, "All she is looking for is to become pregnant and have a baby" contemptuously?

(No, Frank, of course I haven't. Why would anyone say that?")

With all the respect in the world, Mame, am I right?
hightor
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 09:48 am
@Frank Apisa,
Quote:
Have you ever heard anyone say, "All she is looking for is to become pregnant and have a baby" contemptuously?

Actually, Frank, I have heard people say that contemptuously. And the ugly truth is that there are a lot of men looking exclusively for sexual gratification. But I don't think those facts have much to do with someone who wants to retire from a successful thirty year role as a sexual helpmeet.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sat 11 Sep, 2021 09:56 am
I know of some women who are 'only looking for sex' and since it's none of my business, I don't give it a thought, judgemental or otherwise. I think you're generalizing. It's a different world out there today, Frank, and Hightor's right - this is a segue from the OP's topic.

If either person doesn't want sex anymore, they shouldn't have to put out. It's not unusual for interest in sex to wane over time.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 02:25 pm
Why arent you able to just find other women to have sex with?

This seems like to best solution for everyone. You get what you want. Your wife gets what she wants. Your mistress gets what she wants. Everyone is happy.

I don't see a problem here.
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 02:28 pm
To respond to the prudes here... Sexual monogamy is not the same thing as celibacy. If someone inisists you don't have sex with anyone else, they have an obligation to have sex with you themselves.

No one has a right to keep you from having sex.
0 Replies
 
hightor
 
  3  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 03:52 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
Why arent you able to just find other women to have sex with?


I don't think it's a matter of being able; he apparently doesn't want to:

"She’s offered me the opportunity to seek other women for sex but I can’t do that. I love her dearly and she’s the only woman I’ve ever been with."

If someone doesn't wish to do something they shouldn't be pressured to change their mind.

Quote:
If someone inisists you don't have sex with anyone else, they have an obligation to have sex with you themselves.


What???
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 05:25 pm
@hightor,
I don't know what your problem is...

Do you really believe you have the right to insist someone else is celibate? Unless you are a deity, I don't think anyone should have this power.

I have no problem standing by this principle. It is simple. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you have an obligation to have sex with your partner. That is how monogamous relationships work.

If someone withholds sex in a monogamous relationship, it is time to end that relationship.


hightor
 
  2  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 07:20 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
That is how monogamous relationships work.

I'm not going to get into a prolonged discussion with you about this. I just don't see what gives you the authority to dictate the rules of monogamy to everyone else. It's pretty presumptuous of you to assume that every expression of monogamy conforms to your "obligatory sex" doctrine. I think that well-functioning couples are capable of working out differences cordially and cooperatively and your one-size-fits-all "Thus Spake maxdancona" shtick is pompous, patronizing, and preposterous. You don't get to write the rules.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 07:41 pm
@hightor,
Hightor is being silly. This is not about the "rules of monogamy". This is the definition of monogamy.

It is illogical; you can't have monogamy without having sex.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 12 Sep, 2021 07:45 pm
@hightor,
The real issue here is a political one. It is about the stigmatization of sexual desire; the idea that wanting sex, or asking for sex or having an expectation of sex in a sexual relationship is somehow morally wrong.

There is nothing wrong with sexual desire. In a monogamous relationship, sex is generally an expectation... otherwise it is just a friendship. We enter sexual relationships because we want sexual relationships.





 

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