Is My Wife A Sex Toy

@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

The real issue here is a political one. It is about the stigmatization of sexual desire; the idea that wanting sex, or asking for sex or having an expectation of sex in a sexual relationship is somehow morally wrong.

There is nothing wrong with sexual desire. In a monogamous relationship, sex is generally an expectation... otherwise it is just a friendship. We enter sexual relationships because we want sexual relationships.

Obligation is an interesting word. Obviously no one can be forced to have sex.

But if you are in a monogamous sexual relationship, it is an obligation in the sense that sex is part of the understanding. If my girlfriend isn't getting her needs met (sexual and otherwise), I assume and would hope that she would communicate this and work through the issues with me.

But absolutely, I am obliged to meet my partners needs within the relationship.

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Obligatory sex. How fun.

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somebody wrote:

The real issue here is a political one. It is about the stigmatization of sexual desire; the idea that wanting sex, or asking for sex or having an expectation of sex in a sexual relationship is somehow morally wrong.

No, the real issue is a personal one. It's about the commodification of sexual desire; the idea that the sexual gratification of one's partner is an inescapable, compulsory, and never-ending duty within a monogamous relationship, and that individual choice in the matter is not allowed.

Yup, sounds like real fun.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Obligatory sex. How fun.

You prefer sex without being in a comitted relationship?

I think both are fun, but I prefer being in a committed relationship to casual sex.

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@hightor,

No Hightor, Sex is not a duty... It is a desire.

If you don't have the desire to give your partner sexual gratification, you should not be in monogamous relationship with them.

You are arguing that forced celibacy is fun (it is funny to me that the liberals here are the incels).

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If you no longer want to sexually gratify your spouse, then your sexual relationship is over. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't care about gratifying them?

No one has to force anyone to do anything. Just accept that the sexual part of your relationship is over. It is time to move on with someone who does care about gratifying you.

This shouldn't be that difficult, no one has the right to control their partner in either sense.

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@maxdancona,

Again, Max, you're NOT LISTENING.

OP does not WANT that.

You're pushing extremes.

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@maxdancona,

Quote:

No Hightor, Sex is not a duty... It is a desire.

You're the one who brought up "obligation".

Quote:

If you don't have the desire to give your partner sexual gratification, you should not be in monogamous relationship with them.

Only when that's the explicit unalterable foundation of a particular monogamous relationship.

Quote:

You are arguing that forced celibacy is fun (it is funny to me that the liberals here are the incels).

I'm not arguing anything like that. My comment about obligatory sex activity being "fun" was sarcasm. I'm saying that monogamous relationships differ and that partners can change and that there's no universal mandate other than agreeing to function as a loving and caring couple.

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@neptuneblue,

maxdancona never listens to anything but the "ideological narrative©" that controls his personal thought process. He is an extremist.

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What does that mean, “ my wife doesn’t want to have sex anymore.”?

Does he mean intercourse? Or any kind of sexual activity?

How old is this couple?

Seems odd that she would cut him off now - and suggest other women.

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@PUNKEY,

I don't think this is that uncommon. People change, and couples that were once in a passionate relationship drift apart. In this case you have three choices.

1) Stay committed in a sexually dead marriage. This means denying your own needs for sexual intimacy.

2) Satisfy your sexual needs with other people, but stay in the marriage. A lot of people do this, and if it is done in the open I don't see any problem with it.

3) End the marriage and move on.

I personally would find option #1 awful. I don't see why anyone would stay in a marriage with someone who no longer cares about meeting their needs.

My divorce was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I was stuck in a marriage that was dead sexually. That was a part of it. Divorce freed me to find someone who wanted to be in a giving sexual relationship.

I think that seeing other people in an honest upfront way is perfectly reasonable if there is a reason to stay in a sexually dead marriage. I don't see the problem people have with this option. It is an honest and caring. It keeps whatever part of the relationship that is still working intact. And, it allows everyone to get their needs met.

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The guy could also pleasure himself.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

Hightor is being silly.

It is illogical; you can't have monogamy without having sex.

First of all, you sound 'silly' when you accuse others of being 'silly'. That's a word a child would use. Time to grow up.

Secondly, of course you can have monogamy without having sex. Many couples are living that life. There could be extenuating factors - too ill, too fat, too old, too incapable, too disinterested... but they still love each other and want to live together. And if one's in prison or in a nursing home, it doesn't mean that just because they can't have sexual intercourse with their partner that they're going to rush out to find an amenable someone else.

You make sex such an important facet of a relationship... but as I and others have said, things often change, and maybe companionship takes its place. It may be more important in your youth, but as you age... often not so much.

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@Mame,

I will give you the prison fantasy.

But if your husband still has a sex drive and you are "too disinterested" to have sex with him.... there is a problem there. That is a change in the relationship that just isn't fair. There is no equality there. You are putting yourself in control of his sex life.

Of course your husband always has the option of finding someone else. But in this case it would be morally justified for him to do so. If this happens, whether you want to keep your husband's companionship while your husband is having sex with someone else is up to you.

If two people become disinterested at the same time... I am not sure whether that is sweet or sad. Maybe it is both.

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@Mame,

Sounds kind of lonesome.

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@maxdancona,

As usual, you misinterpret, lose, deny things. Why do you assume it's one person or the other? Maybe it's both. And... as usual, you pick out the one thing you're focussed on and ignore the rest.

YOU may be highly sexed, but many are not. Stop putting your parameters on other people.

You ignore all the other factors I mentioned which may be a cause. Are you really that stupid or blind, max? Because you don't mention them at all. As usual. You're just being 'silly'.

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Sex positivity means that a desire for sex, and enjoyment of sex is normal and acceptable (between consenting adults).

Western society has always been uncomfortable with sexuality. We have evolved to accept different forms of sexual expression (especially with LBGT). Our society continues to discourage sexual desire. There is still the narrative of seeking "companionship" (which generally includes sex), but when someone seeks a "sexual relationship", somehow that is considered either unhealthy or dishonorable.

Sex positivity doesn't mean that everyone must want sex; there is nothing wrong with being asexual. Sex positivity is about choice each person can choose how to express their own sexuality.

If a person finds their long-term sexual relationship is no longer working, they have a few choices. Sure, they can choose to give up their sexuality for the sake of the other person. Many of us find that giving up sexuality is torture, maybe in some extreme circumstances (i.e. disease or prison) I might sacrifice for someone I loved. In Mame's example of simply being "disinterested", I would have a big problem with this.

There is no moral issue with a person in a sexually dead relationship seeking other people if the other person is fine with this. This seems to be frowned upon because is expressing a desire for sex rather than some platonic nonsense about companionship (although in this case you can have both).

Many people simply end a sexually dead relationship. No one has to do this, but if they choose to do so, there is no moral problem. The relationship is simply no longer working...

... and for many people, sexual desire is important.

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@maxdancona,

Dan Savage is a sex columnist that I really like. He talks about sex positivity being "Good, Giving and Game". This pretty much describes my idea of a healthy sexual relationship.

Quote:

"Giving" means that sometimes you give pleasure without an expectation of an immediate return on that gift of pleasure... sometimes you just 'do' for each other...

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

Many of us find that giving up sexuality is torture, maybe in some extreme circumstances (i.e. disease or prison) I might sacrifice for someone I loved. In Mame's example of simply being "disinterested", I would have a big problem with this.

But you have not experienced a lifetime of love. You. yourself, have admitted to giving up, divorcing, and found a new avenue to explore. You are discounting a lifetime of Love, Desire, Wanting, and Exploration.

You are biased and uncompromising. You expect others to want what YOU want and disregard anything else.

That is where your fault lies.

If by chance you find the Love you desperately seek, and the other does not want sex with YOU, it could be cathartic. It's a path you've yet to explore.

Please reconsider your stance.

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@maxdancona,

Quote:

Sex positivity means that a desire for sex, and enjoyment of sex is normal and acceptable...

Sex neutrality means that people are free to determine the role of sexuality in their lives, from the most hedonistic expression to the most puritanical, independent of social pressure and situational obligation.

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Our society continues to discourage sexual desire.

I don't think that's accurate. The entertainment industry pretty much feeds off sexual content and sexually attractive actors and models. The advertising industry as well. I've heard that sexual content is even popular on the internet!

Quote:

Sex positivity is about choice each person can choose how to express their own sexuality.

Which would include anyone's discomfort at being used as "a sex toy".

Quote:

... and for many people, sexual desire is important.

That doesn't imply their right to expect or compel others to recognize or fulfill that desire.

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Is My Wife A Sex Toy

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