In fact, from reading your first post, it sounds like maybe things came very easily to you when you were younger. And maybe -- people expected big things from you?...
I'm also wondering -- is it possible that because of all that early success --which you managed to achieve without studying -- that you simply didn't learn how to study? Or maybe it was just the discipline of studying that you missed out on...?
But I agree that you seem to having a problem with motivation -- so you fail -- then you beat yourself up by trashing yourself with alcahol and weed. It's the old vicious circle.
It sounds like you just don't care much about your jobs, other people in your life -- but worst of all -- that you don't care much about yourself. That's the most worrying thing. To be honest, I really wish you would get some counselling. At least think about it. Counsellors aren't there to judge you, they're there to help you figure things out. You've made a good start by posting here. It sounds like you need to get some of this out of your system instead of internalizing it -- which leads you to beat yourself up some more.
Along with the alcahol and weed, I'm thinking that the problem you're having with getting out of bed in the morning could also be from depression. So if you have depression, and you add on the alcahol, the weed, the late nights every night -- no wonder you're "sleeping in."
But what does being happy mean to you? Getting drunk and stoned, watching TV all day? Are you really happy? It doesn't sound like it. The fact is, Grand Duke, there's no amount of booze or weed in the world that's going to make you "happy" -- but I'm sure you already know that. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say it.
It's time you made a change Grand Duke. But you have to want to. I think the fact that you posted all of this here is a sign that maybe -- you're getting ready to.
If you want to post some more -- I'll try to help give you my input, opinion, support -- whatever I can to help out. I know everyone else here will too.
I have been in very similar situations - only which the (admittingly major) advantage, still to have had parents (and their financial aid), who helped me.
And since I later had had during my professional career as a social worker dozens of dozens of such 'cases', I really think, I know what I'm speaking about.
The first step is done: you talked about your problems.
The second is the hardest and long lasting: you must not only want to change the sitution, but you must change.
And this seems to be rather impossible doing on your own.
So, I would suggest, you ask for professional help.
Motivation is for chumps. When you find something you really love doing , you don't have to bother forcing yourself to do it, and it makes you a lot happier. If you have to constantly force yourself to do things (always, not just on occasions) , you probably aren't in the right field.
On the other hand, depression f*cks up your ability to concentrate and maintain motivation.
Perhaps the best thing for you to do a the moment, might be to forget about your career. Whenever it's possible for me, I find the best way to get out of a slump is to physically move and try my hand at something entirely different from what I would usually ( although this isn't always realistic) .
In time, you'll be able to fix any mistakes you've made and get your career back on track, if that's what you want to do. When you feel that you'll competently be able to complete professional work, you can always volunteer somewhere for six months or so to demonstrate how capable you are.
They put quality of life uppermost in their list of priorities--like the Italians
If it's any comfort, Grand Duke, I'm a fellow Underachiever.
I was once an Information Systems Specialist, with years of Corporate work experience, making loads of money. Now I work part-time at whatever, usually secretarial work since there's more of that around.
My husband's the same way. He was once a Captain in the Air Force, supervising 200 people who repaired B-1 Bombers. Now he's fixing lawnmowers part-time.
We're both happier now (in our 40's) being poor, working less, and just barely scraping by financially.
Just because you CAN make a lot of money in a Respectable Profession, doesn't mean you HAVE TO. Can you forgive yourself for not wanting that?
Stray Cat got there with depression first. My spin (what I'd planned on saying as I read through) is it sounds like depression could be the root cause, and you're self-medicating. That's really common.
I've seen this with both of my parents, and seen how they finally got off their duffs when they started anti-depressants. Not a magic bullet, but allowed them to start accomplishing things. My mom is midway through an advanced degree, after never graduating from college, and getting straight A's.
Definitely worth it to speak to a professional. If you had a broken leg I guess you'd try to set it yourself?
Grand Duke wrote:...The drugs are not as much of a problem as it might appear. If I really wanted to stop, I could stop today. But I dont want to, because getting stoned has been one of the few things I've managed to remain commited to!
Listen to yourself. Do you really think you'd allow anyone else to hand you this kind of a load o' malarkey?
I'm with the others. There are job loss spirals -- I've been in 'em, and I've seen other people in 'em, and it ain't pretty -- but this goes beyond that. And, since you don't have more than a minimum wage job, and you have no savings, I'm thinking there aren't any funds for the next bender, anyway. So, what are ya gonna do? Start knocking over liquor stores? Hey, if you want to screw up your life, you're doing a bang-up job of it. Add in some prison time and you can really be screwed up.
You're no dope, but I'm gonna spell it out for you, anyway. You cannot afford to be a drug user. Not financially, not socially, not career-wise, not legally, not mentally, no way, no how. Yet you persist. This, my friend, is called an addiction.
You cannot fix this yourself. You cannot lean on us to fix it -- we're not there, we're not professionals, we're the folks who get to turn off our PCs and think of other things. But not so with a therapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've read about how you don't like 'em, yadda yadda yadda whatever -- but go anyway.
Yep, you heard me. Go anyway. If it sucks, go to a different therapist. Keep going and changing if you don't like it. Eventually you will settle on someone. Like soz said before, broken legs don't fix themselves. They need professional healing. Same thing with broken psyches. This isn't being macho and it isn't being mature. This isn't you being too cool for school. This is foolish. Get yourself to a therapist or stop wasting these nice people's time.
And yeah, I know that was harsh. And I'm sorry if it wasn't pretty. But I ain't takin' it back. I consider this to be the job one of anyone who cares about you. You're not going to get any better and nothing is going to change until you see the need to change it and, unfortunately, that often does not happen until rock bottom is hit.
Can I ask, Walter, how you changed yourself? Was it a change in circumstances or environment, or is it a mental step that must be taken (or both)?
And thank you for your posts.
...His real love it seemed was getting high, reading anything that really challenged his mind, watching the History Channel or playing endless hours of computer games. He fell into a deep, deep depression.
...He admitted his own lack of direction stemmed from a combination of depression and lack of challenge and direction.
Today, he has now been clean for almost 9 months and is getting ready to join the Warrant Officer Program in the Army. He is no longer the skeleton of the young man who left me, with the dark sunken eyes, the skin the pallor of death grey and there is light, real light shining in his eyes again. He is happy and positive and actually looking forward to his life ahead of him. Like you, Grand Duke, he was also convinced there was literally no point in anything and most of the time thought he would be better off dead. Not anymore.
I'm not saying a military career is the rah rah way for everyone to go. Everyone must choose their own path. I know for my son a lot of his feelings stemmed from fear of success, not failure. With success comes expectations and throughout his life, with his intelligence, people always had great expectations from him. Not just me, but everyone. His teachers, his other family members, even his friends.
I'm not suggesting you can or should go the same way. But perhaps you need a time out. Away from everything so familiar, so routine to really, really think about your own expectations instead of others. To think about what YOU really enjoy doing. Don't be afraid of your success, no matter what others think. Live to make yourself happy. Play tough love on yourself if there is no one to do it for you. It takes a lot of courage to be who you want to be and a lot of respect for yourself. I honestly cannot say you can achieve that being high or drunk all the time. Both make it so easy to cop out and say f*ck the world, f*ck everyone and sink deeper into your own comfort zone. By your own admittance you have missed the mark several times. There was a purpose for you doing so and not knowing you, I cannot even begin to guess what that was.
Honestly, taking advantage of an impartial counselor is not a bad way to go. They are NOT judgemental, but they may point out some things you don't like hearing. Facing and living with ourselves is sometimes the hardest thing we do in life.
I wish you the very best, Grand Duke. I truly do. We can all only be here to listen, but the action to change your course must come from you alone. As solitary as that journey is, it is worth it.
