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Fri 22 Jul, 2005 10:11 pm
I have my 29th birthday in two weeks time, and the rest of my life looks like it will be fairly meaningless.
Two months ago I was sacked from a relatively well paid job with a well-defined and lucrative career path. This was the pinnacle of my stupidity, the final fly on the turd of my life.
I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but it's hard.
Age 14-16 - Passed GCSE exams with brilliant grades after doing no studying.
Age 16-18 - Passed A-Level exams with average grades after doing no studying. Some minor back problems.
Age 18-21 - Dropped out of Uni after failing Second Year for the second time. Was doing Biology. Still doing no studying, just getting drunk and taking acid, amphetamines, ecstacy and shed-loads of weed. Back problems increased greatly by 20, then went away.
Ages 21-24 - Working full-time and studying for accountancy exams by day and block release to college. Lost interest, stopped doing the home assessments. Passed first year and most of second year. Moved internally by employer into payroll (for clients) then Personal Tax dept. Still doing loads of drugs. Lived with parents mostly, except during a year-long relationship when I lived with my (ex)girlfriend. Got into loads of debt. No back problems.
Age 25 - Moved away to York. Brother living here and sister at Uni here. Carried on with tax work for a new firm, started doing tax assistant exams, but didn't do any of the home assessments and failed exams. Nearly sacked, but then left job. Minor back problems.
Age 25-27 - Working in payroll dept for railway engineering firm. No exams required. Getting further into debt. Still doing loads of drugs, but now limited to weed most of the time. Given two County Court Judgements for debt arrears. Credit Rating now rock-bottom.
Age 27 - Made redundant (along with whole finance dept) after company was bought out. On grounds of intelligence and can-do problem solving attitude, offered new position as assistant project planner. Needed qualifications in engineering/construction, so started course at college on day release.
Massive back problem in Dec 03 with a prolapsed disk. Signed off work by doctor for 2 weeks. Enjoyed time off so much, and back not completely healed, so carried on displaying the symptoms. Sympathetic doctor ended up signing me off for 3 months. College said I had missed too much to go back, but would accept me back the following September to repeat the year.
Employer sympathetic after 3 month absence. Still smoking loads of weed, even though employer ran random drug tests (due to railway work). Saw physiotherapist at hospital for a few months who gave exercises to maintain flexibility and build strength in muscles.
Age 28 - Started back at college. Getting bored of job. Slept in one morning and had the idea of using the back problems and need for pre-work exercises as an excuse for lateness. Employer sympathetic. Drug use continuing. More and more absences - not one single week in 8 months did I work a full week. More and more sleeping in. Very late nights smoking weed. Couldn't be bothered working much or studying at all. Started not even bothering to ring employer some days. Waking up after deadline for reporting absences, so failing to comply with procedures.
Jan 05 - Slept in on first day after Christmas/New Year shutdown. Went in on second day and claimed to have mixed up dates.
Feb 05 - Called in for disciplinary meeting regarding repeated failure (like 20+ occasions) to comply with absence reporting procedures. Used medication and distraction of back pain to excuse failure to ring. Given Final Written Warning.
Mar-Apr 05 - Tried to buck my ideas up. Gave up weed, but still sleeping in, and still couldn't be bothered to do college assignments. Just got drunk every night instead. Three weeks later, another disciplinary hearing called. Realised I was likely to be sacked. Called in union rep (hadn't bothered for the first meeting). Announced to HR officer two days before that I was a weed addict and that was why I was "forgetting" to ring work.
Meeting held. Union rep does good job in defence. Company arranged drugs counselling through medical scheme. Meeting and verdict suspended pending independent doctors report and drugs counselling.
Didn't bother to arrange meeting with drugs counsellor. Missed final deadline for college work, and failed year. Continued absences/lateness. Continued heavy weed smoking. Had assessment with indy doctor, but failed to provide correct written permission for own doctor to release medical records.
May 05 - Disciplinary meeting reconvened. Knew for certain was going to be sacked. Absent most of previous week (without ringing after first day). Letter sent saying to contact HR or be officially AWOL. Failed to contact. Decided to turn up to meeting and hand in resignation before they could hold meeting and give verdict.
Slept in and missed disciplinary meeting. Sacked in absence.
Jul 05 - Started work at Pizza Hut (worked part-time there when 25-26).
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am now working for minimum wage. Employment/recruitment agencies won't touch me for a "proper" job because i was sacked - now denied all but the most menial jobs. Still smoking weed. Still single. Constant cough. Pale skin and black-ringed eyes. Confidence gone. Started and gave up on four separate career paths because lacked commitment to study outside of office hours. Addiction to weed and lazing around. Appalling credit history (one step before bankruptcy). Will never get a mortgage - can't even get a contract mobile phone (prepay only).
So I ask myself - what is the point?
It seems to me you've had all the breaks in the world,
besides being gifted with a brilliant mind. You blew it
every time and unless you get off weed and off your a$$
and get your life in order, you'll continue to spiral down
the roller coaster.
I don't know so much about him re circumstances, but I know Grand Duke is pretty swift, just from past reading.
Soooo, grand ducky, you have this personal destructo thing going on.
Let me just say talk to a counsellor about that.
I understand resenment and then resentment following resentment, but
hey, move on.
At this point who in the world is going to trust you to put a foot in front the the other for six months, not to mention a year.
Given that you can discipline yourself to buckle down ad do whatever this next set of hoops is...
you are apt to come out not only ok, but well. Howevey, never mind that.
Just do what the next set of rules says, for quite awhile.
A bunch of while along, they'll trust you outside of that, but not now, and they shouldn't.
And yet, you are very smart and have deep and interesting observations to lend us all.
So...
in the mean time, just talk to us, about your observations ordinarily, all the time.
CalamityJane wrote:It seems to me you've had all the breaks in the world, besides being gifted with a brilliant mind. You blew it every time and unless you get off weed and off your a$$ and get your life in order, you'll continue to spiral down the roller coaster.
I have given up before, for over a year on two occasions. Result - nothing changes. I still can't be bothered to study, and just drink all night or play computer games all night or watch TV all night or read books all night instead. You are most likely correct that I smoke too much weed, but stopping seems to make little difference to my motivation.
My character is flawed. I know what the flaws are, but whenever part of me tries to change things, the other part interferes and makes me sleep in or have those extra 5 reefers or 5 pints of beer.
ossobuco wrote:I don't know so much about him re circumstances, but I know Grand Duke is pretty swift, just from past reading.
I'm confused about your use of "swift" - can you elaborate please, Osso?
Wow. I thought I was bad. I really, really hope you get yourself together. Do you have any money saved at all? You know, I think you need to get yourself a business of your own. I know that those office cleaning franchises can be had for less than 20K. I'm not saying that's what you should do specifically, but maybe you should try to get a new goal like that...something to look forward to.
I don't know, I just see myself in a lot of what you wrote, on a lesser scale. I really hope you get back on track. Hope is the key. Don't lose that. You're young. Things can change.
So, Grand Duke, I can easily imagine being where you are, it's just a slight tweak for me to get there, in my own way.
I am trying to zone in on your attachment to not changing.
Okay, hate yourself, Grand Duke. Wallow in it. Trust me, though, life does not end at age 30. Or 29, in your case.
pretty swift = smart, grand duke. I know you are smart.
I figure you see your arms all tied with ropes.
(I say this not without sympathy.)
kickycan wrote:Wow. I thought I was bad. I really, really hope you get yourself together. Do you have any money saved at all? You know, I think you need to get yourself a business of your own. I know that those office cleaning franchises can be had for less than 20K. I'm not saying that's what you should do specifically, but maybe you should try to get a new goal like that...something to look forward to.
I don't know, I just see myself in a lot of what you wrote, on a lesser scale. I really hope you get back on track. Hope is the key. Don't lose that. You're young. Things can change.
No savings whatsoever. Unauthorised overdraft at bank. Borrowing money from friends just to pay rent. Own business sounds good, but have no money to start one, and no marketable skill to sell. I get through a day by thinking of my next spliff, my next beer, the next movie I'll watch, the next book I'll read, the next load of bollocks I'll post on A2K.
roger wrote:Okay, hate yourself, Grand Duke. Wallow in it. Trust me, though, life does not end at age 30. Or 29, in your case.
Hating myself is about all I can do, roger. Fixing things has never worked in the past, even with my best intentions. Life may not end at 29, but if I have to make pizzas for the rest of my life, it may as well have.
Yes, I know you don't think you are smart, or if you have a glimmer of it, you don't think it matters.
but I do.
And no, I am not pollyanna. You seem determined to fail, and I'll let you be if that is your wish.
None of us will save you, you have to do it, but I'm sure I'm not the only person interested in you, or, hell, so what if I am, in any given set of minutes at a2k. The person who needs to be interested is you.
But we support you here.
Smart people don't throw away 4 perfectly decent careers because they can't be bothered to do any studying. If I wasn't intelligent, I wouldn't have these problems. I'd have left school at 16, got a menial blue-collar job, and worked like a dog until I retired on a meagre pension. And been relatively happy.
It's the fact that I know I could have graduated with an quality honours degree from a respected university, or become a chartered accountant or a chartered tax advisor or done contract work as a project planner on a 6 figure salary. And the fact that I make pizzas for minimum wage. Those things together are what keeps me awake at night.
Where do I find motivation?
Where do I find commitment?
Where do I find ambition?
Most other people seem to have these things to a greater or lesser degree, and I have none at all. My only ambition has been to be happy, and my only commitment has been to enjoying myself at the expense of everything else.
ossobuco wrote:And no, I am not pollyanna. You seem determined to fail, and I'll let you be if that is your wish.
I am not determined to fail, but it seems inevitable that I will, given my history.
Quote:None of us will save you, you have to do it, but I'm sure I'm not the only person interested in you, or, hell, so what if I am, in any given set of minutes at a2k. The person who needs to be interested is you.
But we support you here.
Despite the tone of my posts, I do genuinely appreciate all replies so far. And I thank you Osso and others for your support.
I'm kind of down on counsellors myself. Like they say, "Those that can, do. Those that can't, teach. Those that can't teach are called counsellors."
There, now! Feel better? I've just hacked off all the teachers, counsellors, and therapists on site - and just for you.
Indeed a grin has graced my chops, roger. I thank you. Like I said, face-to-face confessions aren't really my cup of Earl Grey.
In fact, what sort of counsellor would be able to help me? The drugs are not as much of a problem as it might appear. If I really wanted to stop, I could stop today. But I dont want to, because getting stoned has been one of the few things I've managed to remain commited to!
Grand Duke, I do think you sound very intelligent. In fact, from reading your first post, it sounds like maybe things came very easily to you when you were younger. And maybe -- people expected big things from you?
Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail -- for all kinds of reasons.
I'm also wondering -- is it possible that because of all that early success --which you managed to achieve without studying -- that you simply didn't learn how to study? Or maybe it was just the discipline of studying that you missed out on...?
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