How to lose your job and alienate people... (Please help me)

QUOTE]On grounds of intelligence and can-do problem solving attitude, offered new position as assistant project planner.[/QUOTE]

Sounds like we're not the only ones who think you're intelligent too. Your employer must've thought you had something going on to offer you another position after the "redundancy."

But I agree that you seem to having a problem with motivation -- so you fail -- then you beat yourself up by trashing yourself with alcahol and weed. It's the old vicious circle.

It sounds like you just don't care much about your jobs, other people in your life -- but worst of all -- that you don't care much about yourself. That's the most worrying thing. To be honest, I really wish you would get some counselling. At least think about it. Counsellors aren't there to judge you, they're there to help you figure things out. You've made a good start by posting here. It sounds like you need to get some of this out of your system instead of internalizing it -- which leads you to beat yourself up some more.

Along with the alcahol and weed, I'm thinking that the problem you're having with getting out of bed in the morning could also be from depression. So if you have depression, and you add on the alcahol, the weed, the late nights every night -- no wonder you're "sleeping in."



But what does being happy mean to you? Getting drunk and stoned, watching TV all day? Are you really happy? It doesn't sound like it. The fact is, Grand Duke, there's no amount of booze or weed in the world that's going to make you "happy" -- but I'm sure you already know that. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say it.

It's time you made a change Grand Duke. But you have to want to. I think the fact that you posted all of this here is a sign that maybe -- you're getting ready to.

If you want to post some more -- I'll try to help give you my input, opinion, support -- whatever I can to help out. I know everyone else here will too.

Okay.

I have been in very similar situations - only which the (admittingly major) advantage, still to have had parents (and their financial aid), who helped me.

And since I later had had during my professional career as a social worker dozens of dozens of such 'cases', I really think, I know what I'm speaking about.

The first step is done: you talked about your problems.

The second is the hardest and long lasting: you must not only want to change the sitution, but you must change.

And this seems to be rather impossible doing on your own.

So, I would suggest, you ask for professional help.

Just a few thoughts:

Motivation is for chumps. When you find something you really love doing , you don't have to bother forcing yourself to do it, and it makes you a lot happier. If you have to constantly force yourself to do things (always, not just on occasions) , you probably aren't in the right field.

On the other hand, depression f*cks up your ability to concentrate and maintain motivation. Perhaps the best thing for you to do a the moment, might be to forget about your career. Whenever it's possible for me, I find the best way to get out of a slump is to physically move and try my hand at something entirely different from what I would usually ( although this isn't always realistic) .

In time, you'll be able to fix any mistakes you've made and get your career back on track, if that's what you want to do. When you feel that you'll competently be able to complete professional work, you can always volunteer somewhere for six months or so to demonstrate how capable you are.

^^

^^ Double post, deleted

If it's any comfort, Grand Duke, I'm a fellow Underachiever.

I was once an Information Systems Specialist, with years of Corporate work experience, making loads of money. Now I work part-time at whatever, usually secretarial work since there's more of that around.

My husband's the same way. He was once a Captain in the Air Force, supervising 200 people who repaired B-1 Bombers. Now he's fixing lawnmowers part-time.

We're both happier now (in our 40's) being poor, working less, and just barely scraping by financially.

Just because you CAN make a lot of money in a Respectable Profession, doesn't mean you HAVE TO. Can you forgive yourself for not wanting that?

Stray Cat got there with depression first. My spin (what I'd planned on saying as I read through) is it sounds like depression could be the root cause, and you're self-medicating. That's really common.

I've seen this with both of my parents, and seen how they finally got off their duffs when they started anti-depressants. Not a magic bullet, but allowed them to start accomplishing things. My mom is midway through an advanced degree, after never graduating from college, and getting straight A's.

Definitely worth it to speak to a professional. If you had a broken leg I guess you'd try to set it yourself?

That's good advice, sozobe. I hope GD overcomes his aversion for "professionals" & considers it

You sound like Augustin Burroughs

yep - depression crossed my mind, too...sounds like a classic story.

Crossed my mind too.

Listen to yourself. Do you really think you'd allow anyone else to hand you this kind of a load o' malarkey?

I'm with the others. There are job loss spirals -- I've been in 'em, and I've seen other people in 'em, and it ain't pretty -- but this goes beyond that. And, since you don't have more than a minimum wage job, and you have no savings, I'm thinking there aren't any funds for the next bender, anyway. So, what are ya gonna do? Start knocking over liquor stores? Hey, if you want to screw up your life, you're doing a bang-up job of it. Add in some prison time and you can really be screwed up.

You're no dope, but I'm gonna spell it out for you, anyway. You cannot afford to be a drug user. Not financially, not socially, not career-wise, not legally, not mentally, no way, no how. Yet you persist. This, my friend, is called an addiction.

You cannot fix this yourself. You cannot lean on us to fix it -- we're not there, we're not professionals, we're the folks who get to turn off our PCs and think of other things. But not so with a therapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've read about how you don't like 'em, yadda yadda yadda whatever -- but go anyway.

Yep, you heard me. Go anyway. If it sucks, go to a different therapist. Keep going and changing if you don't like it. Eventually you will settle on someone. Like soz said before, broken legs don't fix themselves. They need professional healing. Same thing with broken psyches. This isn't being macho and it isn't being mature. This isn't you being too cool for school. This is foolish. Get yourself to a therapist or stop wasting these nice people's time.

And yeah, I know that was harsh. And I'm sorry if it wasn't pretty. But I ain't takin' it back. I consider this to be the job one of anyone who cares about you. You're not going to get any better and nothing is going to change until you see the need to change it and, unfortunately, that often does not happen until rock bottom is hit.

You said it, jes.

And by own, bad experience I know that this is hard to believe.

But the later someone get one's act together, the heavier is the chance to change.

Ohhhh, Grand Duke. I have never been in your exact position, but I have been the mother of someone in a position very, very similar to yours.

My son is also very intelligent like you. He also finished high school at the age of 16, never studying, but acing his proficiency exam to get out with an overall 98 percent. He then, at 16 went to work for an ISP as a networking consultant, spending countless hours playing computer games and smoking weed. The job was no challenge for him at all, but the money kept him going so he could buy another 8th whenever he wanted. And that was very often. He was also an avid reader, mostly non-fiction history books and his favorite channel on tv, when we had that was The History Channel.

After a couple of years, he decided he would try another job just for shits and giggles and went to work in a warehouse, pulling orders and bopping around on a forklift. He hated the work, but the camaraderie was great! About 90 percent of his co-workers were stoners too and while he was working with a bunch of losers, there was some similarities. Lo and behold, one day the company announced they were going to begin drug screening and gave everyone 3 months to clean up. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't do it. So, he decided to quit and go back to school.

His college counselor called me after she had gotten the results from his admittance exams. He had scored the second highest of ANY student that had ever applied there before. Unfortunately college, like high school, was way to easy for him. He did get his degree in Computer Sciences without barely cracking a book and like you in your job, he would oversleep a lot, miss a lot of days and still pass all the tests with flying colors. His real love it seemed was getting high, reading anything that really challenged his mind, watching the History Channel or playing endless hours of computer games. He fell into a deep, deep depression. He graduated learning the computer market was just bottoming out and two days after his graduation, his favorite aunt (my sister) died very unexpectedly. No job hunting for him. He didn't see the point seeing most companies were laying off and not hiring anyway.

His days turned into an endless routine of sleeping all day, getting up and playing computer games, waiting for his buddy to call and then he would leave to get high and get drunk and then stay up all night playing games or reading. About a year ago, after numerous attempts to talk to him about what he was going to do with his life, everything changed. He came home drunk and high (god he could hide it well!) and I wanted a sit down heart to heart and he wanted to blow me off as he had done so many times before. Not now!!

I was maxxed out, but in all calmness told him, "Yes, now." He called me a bitch and that is when I knew exactly what I had to do. I slapped him hard across the face and told him that if he wanted to treat himself with disrespect that was his business, but he was not going to treat me with disrespect in my home. I calmly asked for his house keys and told him he was not welcome in my home anymore. He did hand over his keys, tried to make a few snide comebacks and I very, very calmly kept telling him that it was time to go.

I didn't expect to hear from him for awhile, but the next afternoon he called and asked to talk. I agreed and we met and talked for hours. I admitted my role and lack of responsibility in being an enabler to his situation. He admitted his own lack of direction stemmed from a combination of depression and lack of challenge and direction. We concluded that he could come back home on the condition he would not smoke any more weed, not drink and that he had ten days to tell me what he was going to do with his life.

At tens days, we sat down and talked again. He decided he wanted to join the military, but he needed to get clean first. I agreed but told him his influences here are too great for falling back into the same old pattern.
I had already contacted his father and his dad agreed to let him come and stay with him until he was ready to sign up. I bought him a one way ticket to redneckville, Muskogee, Oklahoma, put twenty dollars in his pocket and sent him off to his dad.

Today, he has now been clean for almost 9 months and is getting ready to join the Warrant Officer Program in the Army. He is no longer the skeleton of the young man who left me, with the dark sunken eyes, the skin the pallor of death grey and there is light, real light shining in his eyes again. He is happy and positive and actually looking forward to his life ahead of him. Like you, Grand Duke, he was also convinced there was literally no point in anything and most of the time thought he would be better off dead. Not anymore.


I'm not saying a military career is the rah rah way for everyone to go. Everyone must choose their own path. I know for my son a lot of his feelings stemmed from fear of success, not failure. With success comes expectations and throughout his life, with his intelligence, people always had great expectations from him. Not just me, but everyone. His teachers, his other family members, even his friends.

I'm not suggesting you can or should go the same way. But perhaps you need a time out. Away from everything so familiar, so routine to really, really think about your own expectations instead of others. To think about what YOU really enjoy doing. Don't be afraid of your success, no matter what others think. Live to make yourself happy. Play tough love on yourself if there is no one to do it for you. It takes a lot of courage to be who you want to be and a lot of respect for yourself. I honestly cannot say you can achieve that being high or drunk all the time. Both make it so easy to cop out and say f*ck the world, f*ck everyone and sink deeper into your own comfort zone. By your own admittance you have missed the mark several times. There was a purpose for you doing so and not knowing you, I cannot even begin to guess what that was.

Honestly, taking advantage of an impartial counselor is not a bad way to go. They are NOT judgemental, but they may point out some things you don't like hearing. Facing and living with ourselves is sometimes the hardest thing we do in life.

I wish you the very best, Grand Duke. I truly do. We can all only be here to listen, but the action to change your course must come from you alone. As solitary as that journey is, it is worth it.

Grandduke--

Sidney Carton is an appealing fictional character. Unfortunately, the guillotine is no longer in use. My sympathies are with your friends and family. Self-destruction is an uncomfortable spectator sport.

Lady J--

I'll keep my fingers crossed. Hold your dominion.

you just cant be 'bothered' thats all
and you are using your back as your excuse.....
you are lazy, and you wonder how you have got where you are today???
well I commend you on admitting all this to everyone as it shows people who are out there working their butts off with a physical dissability that they do have the guts and determination to just get on with it and these people have self pride!
....yet you on the other hand still cant be bothered doing anything about it and expect us to tell you what to do........ :wink:

Where is Grand duke? No posts since last night?

Are you listening, Grand Duke?

You really need to get professional help. As others have said, we'll listen and support but we can't replace the professional assistance you need. We care about you, and want you to have a full and fulfilling life, but you have to want that for yourself. Please seek help. Humor us.

Grand Duke....are you still out there? I hope so. Told you everyone here would give you input and some good advice!!

I've been thinking some more about your situation, and your feeling that no one will ever give you a chance again to have the sort of job you used to have. (That's just one more thing you could talk over with a counsellor -- all those feelings of uselessness and pointlessness.)

But GD, I hate to think of you going around with that thought in your head that no one will ever give you a chance again. Employers have heard it all, GD. You're not the first person who ever suffered from depression and tried to "dose" themselves with alcahol and pot to feel better. And I'm sure you won't be the last.

In fact, it does sound like Lady J's son was going through a lot of the same issues you are (btw, good job straightening out your son, Lady J!! -- sounds like he's really getting back on the right track!)

If you're just honest about it -- just tell them that you were young, confused, depressed at the time -- but you are now getting counselling, have given up alcahol and drugs -- and are working (even if it is Pizza Hut!) -- then they will see that you are making the effort to change.

Even if they just give you a chance to work part time -- even two or three days a week -- it could give you the opportunity to start rebuilding your career and reputation. There are always ways to rebuild -- and there is always a chance, GD! Really!! Really there is!! But you have to put the work into it. (You also need to give yourself a chance, have some faith in yourself!!)

And lastly, it would be so much better for you to be on medication -- supervised by a doctor -- rather than using alcahol and pot.

So, again, please think about it -- please give it a chance!! In the meantime, I hope you still check in here -- even if it's just to lurk, coz' there are so many people here with support and helpful insight!

Reading, digesting, thinking.

Grand Duke, I have been observing because I really can't add to the excellent advice and support you've already received. I can encourage you to follow any of the advice that seems to feel right to you, even if it means moving and leaving family behind. Is there anything you would truly love to do? Something that you've dreamt about but felt it was out of reach or not 'good' enough for your family?

Are you aware that many excellent high school students break at the expectations their family's have as well as their school teachers? Even though their excellence is envied by most of their friends, they are miserable and feel overwhelmed by a sense of failure---and sometimes make the feeling of failure come true.

Counseling, medication--give them a try. If they aren't for you, then find something else. You are so young to feel your life is over. One of my sons is like that and it has taken years for him to start feeling comfortable in his own skin.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.