im lost i know its wrong but i love him

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Please don’t judge me, I just need people to help me! Long story. I’ve been married 19 years I’m 35 been with my hubby since 16. I love him dearly but we have grown apart just different people.
We have to lovely kids.

My hubby has always been one of those guys who has to be texting a women. In fact I’m not sure of a time when he hasn’t. I’ve put up with a lot. When I had my first baby I suffered really bad with PND my hubby whole time spent his time talking to his work wife. It just wore me down. He mum and dad have caused a lot of trouble to the point I haven’t spoken to them in 2 years. He wasn’t helpful at all just let them be awful. He is a good man a fantastic father.

I have worked with this guy for 3 years we have got along from day 1. About 2 year ago he seemed different so I asked him if he was ok and he told me his gf has cheated on him. He was crushed. That evening we confided in our relationship problems and bonded.

After that we just got along more look after and out for each other. Even to the point my hubby was happy I got a work husband lol.
Then when either of us would be on hol he would text me and I started to get feelings for him.

After about 6 months and the first week of COVID we kissed and made love. Since then we have been having an affair.

Before this I’d already spoke to my husband about not seeing a future and problems etc.

Racked with guilt I came clean and told him. We decided to separate live as co parents rather than be a couple.

I’m so stuck. “Mark” my affair has planned to move in with me planned to be together tried ending it with his gf but she throws things back at him. Doesn’t see what she did wrong.

She found out about us 7 month ago. But he hasn’t stopped the affair. He told her he loves me was very honest.
He wants to be with me I genuinely Believe him. He’s a few years younger. No kids no ties.

I’m married with two kids. ( I’m awful I know)

Now he can’t leave his gf saying every time he ends it she throws back everything she has done for him. She guilts him in to everything.

He has been honest said he can’t see a way out. But he wants me.

There relationship is awful even before me and him she is very controlling some of the things he tells me I’m completely gob smacked. Last week she rang him around 10 times while he was in a meeting at work. Then insisted he sent his location so she knew where he was. She insists he does this all the time. When he finishes work she makes him take his clothes off boxes off and then checks them. They fight all the tome and when he isn't at work she won't leave his side.
I tell him this isn't healthy he broke down the other day and said she has done so much for me I can't leave her. When he does try she throws it all back in his face.
He says he feels so trapped.

When he works away she makes him FaceTime him falling asleep and has to open cupboard doors and videos under the beds so he can prove he is on his own. This stuff she was doing to him before we had even started and the whole time she new she had cheated on him.

We have argued so much lately because it’s so painful. I keep trying to end it not because I want to but because it’s awful. But I love him so much the chemistry connection everything.

I’m struggling so bad I suffer with ocd and anxiety I’ve had to pay for private counselling to get me through this.

Will this guilt ever pass and he have the courage to leave her or is he playing me for a fool.

He lives in a different town to were he lives so is away from her Monday to Friday then is with her on a weekend. He is having to relocate and she is moving up here next month. Its seems utter madness but he says he’s so far in he is stuck.

I then end it and he begging me saying its me he wants.
he is a coward i know he wants her to end it but she wont

He is a jack ass I know but at the same time I understand how scared he is.

Do I just walk away?

Anybody offer advice anything ? Similar experiences

i

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@lost20213,

Too complicated for my help. I suggest counseling.

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@lost20213,

If he's telling you the truth (that's a big IF right there), then he's being abused. That's an issue that he would need counseling with. It's above your pay grade.

If he's not (and I am leaning in this direction, personally), then yeah, he's being an ass to you.

But either way, let's talk about you.

You left your parents when you were young -- 16 by my reckoning. So, you met and then immediately got married? Then I would venture to guess that you've got a kid who's 18. Am I right?

You never had the opportunity to be a grownup on your own.

You're living separate from your husband already. Do you support your living space fully, or do you depend on him or anyone else to pay your bills? Do you clean house, do the wash, cook when you have the time to, do the shopping, and pay the taxes?

I know what it's like to work full-time and then have to deal with stuff -- I'm not asking if your place can pass a white glove inspection. It's more to know if you're able to keep up with stuff on your own.

If you can do all these things in some capacity, and are dependent upon anyone for money, then do what you can to become financially independent. You don't have to be wealthy. You just need to be able to keep your head above water. That may mean working toward a degree or some other form of training, looking for other work, that sort of thing.

When you can do all those things AND be financially self-sufficient, then I got news for you.

You won't need either of them.

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They have a sick relationship, and you have been pulled into this.

You are the “ other woman” and being used as the excitement factor in their sicko games.

You say he is a coward and stuck in an abusive relation. Why would you want to take that on? Your life will be miserable even if he leaves her and joins you.

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@PUNKEY,

I know I did feel like I’ve been pulled in to a game. I know I just love him

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@lost20213,

Love can make people lose judgement. I hope the best for you.

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@lost20213,

It's time for a reality check.

You ARE the game. You went from one unhealthy relationship to another, claiming "love" made you do it. But honestly, you don't know what "love" is and because of that, you're chasing things made of nightmares.

Let's instead, focus on self love. You need to end both toxic and unsustainable relationships. Focus on separating and moving out of the living quarters with your husband, finalizing a divorce, standing on your own two feet and realizing exactly what you want from this point forward.

Your path isn't with some dude doing to you what you're doing to your husband. It's not right. Clean up this mess by actually doing something to clean up your life.

The sad part of all this is, is you're teaching your children this is what "love" is. And it's not. Love doesn't hurt and cheat and make excuses and act poorly. You are teaching your children either to be manipulators or to be manipulated. Stop that. Give them the role model they richly deserve, to show even though a failed relationship happens, take steps to improve the situation.

Right now, you don't even love yourself. How can you love others if you can't even do that?

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@lost20213,

I can't improve on what Neptune said, I'd take her advice if I were you.

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I had a friend who I was secretly in love with before I was married. Maintained the friendship after I was married. Eventually identified that it was bad for me and unfair to my wife. So I ended the friendship.

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im lost i know its wrong but i love him

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