@OldFlameOW,
Strap in. Here comes the tough love.
Allow me to translate.
OldFlameOW wrote:
.... This time there was no evidence of a wife
Because he was hiding that, and not just from you.
Quote:...Told me he’s still married <sad face>.
And that's when it should have either converted to him introducing you to his wife or it ending. And if he's not going to be the adult in the relationship, then you're elected.
Quote:He also told me he’s always thought about me and thinks I’m the one that got away. There was some flirty messages and stuff.
If a different old flame had contacted him, he would be saying the same thing to her.
Quote:We met up one day, spent hours together and before we left each other, he kissed me. We didn’t go any further than kissing.
Bet you dollars to doughnuts that he lied to his wife about 100% of that. Not just the kiss but where he was going, who he was seeing, etc.
Quote:I ended up telling him that I could never be the other woman. He understood and I thought he’d stop contacting me and no longer want to see me. Well, that didn’t happen.
Because he had no intention of respecting your wishes in this area-- and you didn't really mean it, either, because if you did, this would all be crystal clear to you and you wouldn't have questions.
Quote:He still flirts with me through messages and says he wishes he could be with me but he can’t leave his wife because he needs to be there for the kids.
Correction: he can't leave because he knows it would cost him an arm and a leg. His wife doesn't drive and hasn't been in the workforce for at least a decade, and there are at least 2 kids in the picture. Do the math: he'd be paying alimony and child support up the yin yang for years, and he knows it.
Quote:he wants to save his marriage retirement fund.
...
Quote:He claims he’s not happy, they barely have sex and it’s boring.
Every married person embarking on an affair says this. It's like they're all working from the same playbook.
Quote:We are meeting up again soon, if he doesn’t cancel on me.
If you really don't want to be the other woman, this isn't the way to go about it.
Quote:He says things like, what if I married you, tells me how beautiful and smart and wonderful I am. He said he’d never ask me to wait for him bc that would be selfish but then also says things about someday being with me, if he ever gets divorced.
This is also really standard talk for someone who wants to get into your pants.
Quote:Says they’re together for the kids.
Cough, money, cough.
...
Quote:She won’t go to marriage counseling and won’t do anything to make things better. When she found out that we were back in contact, she gave him more attention and stuff but that has already faded. She felt a possible threat but he told her hes friends with me and will continue the friendship.
So, he's happily lying to her, and you don't think he's also lying to you?
Quote:He also says he doesn’t want to lose me again but I may have to let go after seeing him again.
Any advice?
And there's another classic line from the
Let's Start an Affair playbook.
If you see him again, you will have sex with him. You can lie to us about this, but please don't lie to yourself.
You need to examine your life. This may or may not involve counseling (personally, I recommend counseling, seeing as IANAD).
Explore, or at least ask yourself, why crumbs from this cowardly liar's table are somehow better than you actively going out and trying to meet someone who has no other obligations and can devote himself to you entirely.
Ask yourself why you're scared of that, and why you think you don't deserve it.
And if you're all set to protest, tell me I'm a horrible person (sure, go for it. I've heard that before), and say you aren't scared and you do deserve full attention and loyalty and affection, then I won't need to tell you to kick this loser to the curb and stop indulging his pedestrian fantasies-- you'll do it yourself.
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