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Unintentional affair

 
 
Reply Thu 3 Jun, 2021 06:58 pm
Hello,
Please don’t tell me I’m doing something wrong, I know it’s wrong and I really never meant for this to happen. After finding out he was married, I wanted to meet his wife and truly be friends with them both.
New here. Here’s my story. Can’t talk to many people in my life about this, and nobody that I do talk to has any experience with this.
When I was a teenager, I was flirty and enjoyed the time of a guy, also a teenager, that I was practically inseparable with, we did not technically date but we did kiss a couple times. When we left our school situation, we lost contact. This was over 20 years ago, no cell phones back then.
Time and life went on, I thought about him frequently over the years. I got married and divorced, have 3 kids. He got married and has 2 kids with his wife. I got back in contact with him a few months ago bc I couldn’t see on his fb that he was still married. I had checked on him over the years and it said he was married. This time there was no evidence of a wife so I reached out. He was so excited to hear from me. Told me he’s still married <sad face>. He also told me he’s always thought about me and thinks I’m the one that got away. There was some flirty messages and stuff. We met up one day, spent hours together and before we left each other, he kissed me. We didn’t go any further than kissing.
I ended up telling him that I could never be the other woman. He understood and I thought he’d stop contacting me and no longer want to see me. Well, that didn’t happen. He still flirts with me through messages and says he wishes he could be with me but he can’t leave his wife because he needs to be there for the kids. He’s a little all over the place, he wants to save his marriage and says he wishes he could be with me at times but he knows he fell in love with her for a reason, he doesn’t seem to know what he wants. She doesn’t drive bc she doesn’t want to & barely works. They’ve been married for a long time. He claims he’s not happy, they barely have sex and it’s boring.
We are meeting up again soon, if he doesn’t cancel on me.
He says things like, what if I married you, tells me how beautiful and smart and wonderful I am. He said he’d never ask me to wait for him bc that would be selfish but then also says things about someday being with me, if he ever gets divorced. Says they’re together for the kids.
I’m confused and falling in love with an old flame. I’m not sure what to do but I need to see him again. I need to know if the feelings are real (which I believe they are).
We are definitely in an emotional affair and he did kiss me so that’s also cheating.
I’m confused, hurt, scared, not sure if I should see him one last time to find out then stop talking to him if the feelings are really true. I believe they are and feel like I’m falling in love. I get feelings that I’ve never had before just thinking about him, being around him, or even just messaging him but I know I will regret it if I don’t find out for sure. Not sure if he’s doing the same thing or not.
He has also said he wishes he could be married to a woman like me, she doesn’t know what she has, he works so much and does all the household errands bc she doesn’t drive, he does say she’s a good mother and refrains from down talking her most of the time. Only when he’s feeling really bad about his marriage does he say things like she doesn’t know what she has and stuff. He doesn’t say anything really bad about her. Says she’s a good mother. She won’t go to marriage counseling and won’t do anything to make things better. When she found out that we were back in contact, she gave him more attention and stuff but that has already faded. She felt a possible threat but he told her hes friends with me and will continue the friendship.
He also says he doesn’t want to lose me again but I may have to let go after seeing him again.
Any advice?
 
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Thu 3 Jun, 2021 08:11 pm
@OldFlameOW,
From your description, it sounds like he's made it clear that he's not going to leave his wife and he would like to have a sexual relationship with you. You said that's not what you want. If I were you, I would take him at his word. Most you can aspire to in this relationship is The Other Woman.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 05:27 am
@OldFlameOW,
Strap in. Here comes the tough love.

Allow me to translate.

OldFlameOW wrote:

.... This time there was no evidence of a wife
Because he was hiding that, and not just from you.

Quote:
...Told me he’s still married <sad face>.
And that's when it should have either converted to him introducing you to his wife or it ending. And if he's not going to be the adult in the relationship, then you're elected.

Quote:
He also told me he’s always thought about me and thinks I’m the one that got away. There was some flirty messages and stuff.
If a different old flame had contacted him, he would be saying the same thing to her.

Quote:
We met up one day, spent hours together and before we left each other, he kissed me. We didn’t go any further than kissing.
Bet you dollars to doughnuts that he lied to his wife about 100% of that. Not just the kiss but where he was going, who he was seeing, etc.

Quote:
I ended up telling him that I could never be the other woman. He understood and I thought he’d stop contacting me and no longer want to see me. Well, that didn’t happen.
Because he had no intention of respecting your wishes in this area-- and you didn't really mean it, either, because if you did, this would all be crystal clear to you and you wouldn't have questions.

Quote:
He still flirts with me through messages and says he wishes he could be with me but he can’t leave his wife because he needs to be there for the kids.
Correction: he can't leave because he knows it would cost him an arm and a leg. His wife doesn't drive and hasn't been in the workforce for at least a decade, and there are at least 2 kids in the picture. Do the math: he'd be paying alimony and child support up the yin yang for years, and he knows it.

Quote:
he wants to save his marriage retirement fund.

...
Quote:
He claims he’s not happy, they barely have sex and it’s boring.
Every married person embarking on an affair says this. It's like they're all working from the same playbook.

Quote:
We are meeting up again soon, if he doesn’t cancel on me.
If you really don't want to be the other woman, this isn't the way to go about it.

Quote:
He says things like, what if I married you, tells me how beautiful and smart and wonderful I am. He said he’d never ask me to wait for him bc that would be selfish but then also says things about someday being with me, if he ever gets divorced.
This is also really standard talk for someone who wants to get into your pants.

Quote:
Says they’re together for the kids.
Cough, money, cough.

...
Quote:
She won’t go to marriage counseling and won’t do anything to make things better. When she found out that we were back in contact, she gave him more attention and stuff but that has already faded. She felt a possible threat but he told her hes friends with me and will continue the friendship.
So, he's happily lying to her, and you don't think he's also lying to you?

Quote:
He also says he doesn’t want to lose me again but I may have to let go after seeing him again.
Any advice?
And there's another classic line from the Let's Start an Affair playbook.

If you see him again, you will have sex with him. You can lie to us about this, but please don't lie to yourself.

You need to examine your life. This may or may not involve counseling (personally, I recommend counseling, seeing as IANAD).

Explore, or at least ask yourself, why crumbs from this cowardly liar's table are somehow better than you actively going out and trying to meet someone who has no other obligations and can devote himself to you entirely.

Ask yourself why you're scared of that, and why you think you don't deserve it.

And if you're all set to protest, tell me I'm a horrible person (sure, go for it. I've heard that before), and say you aren't scared and you do deserve full attention and loyalty and affection, then I won't need to tell you to kick this loser to the curb and stop indulging his pedestrian fantasies-- you'll do it yourself.
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 06:22 am
@jespah,
Aside from agreeing 100% with jespah - just to add - If and this is a huge if (more likely no) - even if the best case happened to you (or at least what you think is the best case) and he left his wife and kids and married you -

Do you want to be married to someone that so easily cheated on his wife and family? He would most likely eventually cheat on you.

Count yourself lucky that you are able to GET OUT NOW before it becomes your worst case.

Not to mention - don't you feel even a little bit of guilty for his children even if you do not for his wife. They are innocent victims of a cheating dad that is working to hurt his family and you are helping to hurt these innocent children.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 07:14 am
@OldFlameOW,
I'd like to know what's going on with *you.* I mean, you wrote a very nice essay on him, his wants, desires, ups, downs and all-arounds. But you sound very detached, as if you're sleep walking through your own life. Nothing about your divorce, the pain yet happiness that comes with it. You mention three kids. Yea, mention, in passing, three children of your own. Even some friends that you can't talk to about wanting to have an affair. You sound very lonely. And self deflated. And with that, you've wound up where you're at.

I get reaching out to an x, finding out they're married and maybe even meeting for coffee or a nice dinner. What I don't get is why you'd think you would be "friends" with her. There's nothing in common but a sad reminder for both of you - the one who got away for you and the one that isn't emotionally there anyway for her.

What is it you are truly seeking? What's lacking in YOUR life that you'd pursue someone like him? I can't tell you if he's a cheater or a manipulator or a liar. That's just not all that important. Why? Because he's not your problem. He's her problem. And your problems are different. Way different.

You're looking for trouble and you know it. Shaking up your life, adding excitement and hope and good times and a little bit of wildness. Having an affair with an old flame will certainly do that. Except...

Ok, you fill in the blank here.

Really examine how this is going to begin and end, because it will end.

The question posed to you is, how does this affair help YOU?

OldFlameOW
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 11:28 am
@neptuneblue,
Tbh in a way I am sleep walking through my own life but that’s only bc I’m a student, work full time and am raising kids.
I’m not lonely, I have spent a lot of time single and enjoying my life trying to better myself. Completed college and am working on a graduate degree now.
I didn’t say much about myself bc I didn’t realize it mattered since I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
0 Replies
 
OldFlameOW
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 12:14 pm
@jespah,
I will not sleep with him. I have informed him I have HSV 2. That is one thing I can guarantee. I thought after revealing this to him he would stop talking to me since we can not be sexual.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 12:39 pm
@OldFlameOW,
He'll just say you can use condoms. This isn't you firmly telling him no; it's hiding behind a diagnosis.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 01:23 pm
@OldFlameOW,
LOL! You told him you have genital herpes to stop him from wanting sex from you?? WHY?
OldFlameOW
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Jun, 2021 01:39 pm
@neptuneblue,
Technically not wanting him to not want to. It’s true and I don’t want to risk passing it to him and him giving it to his wife. It was so things wouldn’t go any further. I wouldn’t put someone in the situation I was in.
I don’t want him to want to while he’s married.
0 Replies
 
Joanna B
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Jun, 2021 01:44 am
@OldFlameOW,
I would advice you to just leave the married man alone, it will not be easy having shared a past but it will be worth it.
0 Replies
 
 

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