Wife ended affair

Reply Mon 15 Jun, 2020 05:49 pm
I started out being friends with a man I work with. We were friends for over two years before it became sexual. We are both married. However, I am 13 years older than he is. My kids are grown, I have grandkids and I have been married over 30 years. When we started the affair, it was stipulated that no strings attached. About 3 months into the affair he expressed he loved me, and I loved him also. I had to talk him down a few times to not leave his wife because I knew it would devastate his children who are all in their teens. My husband hasn’t been the kindest throughout out marriage. He is quick to anger and frustration and although he has gotten better since the grandkids arrived, I can’t forget all the times he has been rude and ignorant to me. He had an affair himself and I have also had 2 sexual encounters which he only knows about one, which I told him about. I also have my own issues, so I guess we have stayed with each other because we both have severe flaws and we love our kids and grandkids immensely and don’t want to upset the applecart with them. I know he loves me, and I love him, but I’m not in love with him and haven’t been even before this.

The man I have had an affair with is everything I have ever wanted. We both love each other immensely. He has struggled with his wife because I am everything she’s not. I have a lot of confidence and I’m really outgoing. I am well liked where I work because I generally treat people with respect. I have a lot of friends and people describe me as fun. I am a really hard worker. I am not skinny but not obese but I dress really nice and my appearance is pleasing. He gets frustrated that his wife doesn’t wear makeup and doesn’t have friends. He does things alone a lot because she doesn’t want to go out. I have never spoken disparaging about her and when he has been so angry with her, I’ve calmed him down and told him to be nice to her.

We both knew it wasn’t going to last forever. He was my best friend. He would drive by my house sometimes on the weekend just so he could feel close to me. We wouldn’t communicate on the weekend so we wouldn’t get caught. He would always wish that he could tell everyone at work so they would be jealous of him having the prettiest girl.

Sooo…he forgot to delete a text and his wife found it. I get a text telling me he had to end it because she found out. I didn’t hear from him for over a day. She thinks we had an emotional affair. He’s afraid of losing his family and everything else. I knew it wouldn’t last but I am devasted. He wanted to talk to me about it and I told him no. I found out what I needed to on what she knew and that was it. He didn’t delete me from FB or IG for a week and I couldn’t figure out why. So I deleted him. When he said he still wants to be friends, I told him no. She all but has an ankle bracelet tracking everything he does. He feels horrible because of the way things ended, but I can’t see how I can be friends with someone I love so much and not being able to touch. I told him not to text me again. I cried straight for a week and haven’t seen him until today and I had to walk right past him. With covid, all we can see of each other is our eyes because of the masks. He told me that he never planned and falling in love and he loves me so much it’s unbearable being with out me. But he has his kids to think of. How long is this misery going to last? Do you think he is as miserable as I am? Do you think he’s happy with his wife and has forgotten all about me? Deep inside I want him miserable too. I know that’s wrong.

Reply Mon 15 Jun, 2020 06:11 pm
When his wife finds out the extent of your intimacy together, she is going to toss him out on his ear (or at least she should). To have that lie, on top of all of the other lies, is likely to be the last straw, kids or no kids.

The same may very well happen between you and your husband, y'know.

His kids are well aware there is or at least was something going on. Unless they are profoundly developmentally disabled, then they know or at least sense something.

And so do yours.

Blocking him is all well and good (and it's helpful), but if you continue to pine away and sit and stew about him, you're not allowing yourself to move forward.

Which you should.

You claim you always knew it was temporary, but you never seem to have devised any sort of an endgame.

We are living in really wacky times right now, and life can feel like it's on hold. I get it if you don't want to spend this time reconnecting with your husband. But at least reconnect with yourself. And do some hard calculations.

Can you survive on your own, if you have to?

I don't mean move in with your kids. I mean get an apartment, pay your rent, make sure you buy healthy groceries and all that jazz. If you can't, then at least put together some life skills in case you have to. And that's not necessarily in this context. Everyone needs to know how to live on their own. The time may come when you are widowed, so you'd have to do something like this then, anyway.

And maybe talk to a counselor (you can get a telehealth appointment these days). Talk about your marriage, and about what was so thrilling about this affair. Get some tools to mentally handle the next few months or so, so you can engage in forward motion.

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Reply Tue 16 Jun, 2020 09:55 am
Can't add any more than what jespah says.

It is hard to be sympathetic to an adult (one that is a bit older as you have grandchildren) that should know better. Not even considering your own family - you hurt a woman you know nothing about (other than what her husband said who is a cheater so I do not value his opinion much) and their young children.

Unfortunately you also got hurt in the process but you caused that hurt. I do still feel that you hurt but you will get over it.

To answer your questions:

How long is this misery going to last? Do you think he is as miserable as I am? Do you think he’s happy with his wife and has forgotten all about me? Deep inside I want him miserable too. I know that’s wrong.

I have no idea how long you will feel miserable. How long do you think his wife will feel miserable? His children? As jespah said - they know something is going on - kids are not stupid; they know more than they will share. I would worry more about them.

I have no idea if he even feels miserable - he caused this grief to his innocent children (and perhaps his wife maybe innocent as well - we have no idea whether this cheater lies about his wife). And you should no longer care whether he is miserable or not - you both cut this off (as it should be) and you should forget about him and how he feels.

He may or may not be happy about his wife - again I worry more about his wife - is she happy? and even more so are the children happy?

It is normal though to want someone else to grieve that caused you to grieve. But you both caused this. The best thing for yourself - is to forgive him and yourself, move on - and don't do this again. If you really do not want to stay with your husband then work on that relationship - it is not fair for your husband that you are not there 100% for him.

You hurt each other and you hurt people that you are supposed to care for and love - try to make up for it by being truthful and caring to those you are supposed to - and if you cannot fully love them - let them go. Your husband deserves to have a real wife. And if he is not in it 100% and you both do not work on it - then move on.

Reply Tue 16 Jun, 2020 09:57 am
Guess I did add more than I thought - it is just hard to be sympathetic to grown adults that do something that is hurtful to innocent people and then when they hurt want some sympathy.
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Reply Thu 15 Oct, 2020 01:23 pm
Wow, what a mess. You are a cheater married to a cheater and the man you cheat with wants to leave his wife to be with you, a cheater? The poor kids.

Maybe you all being miserable is karma. I hope his wife finds someone who will love her and treat her with respect.
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