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At what point is enough, enough?

 
 
Reply Sun 9 May, 2021 06:56 pm
I'm at a loss. Married 11 years. Constant Rollercoaster. I work full time. Husband is disabled and doesn't work. He has decided that he's gonna buy a Motorcycle. I have told him it's a poor financial decision considering we live pay check to pay check and if extra expenses come up we have to borrow money. I have been upset about it as this is the 4th time he has done something like this since he became unable to work 5 years ago. He literally does not care how I feel. I cried and begged him not to continue to ruin us financially and also let him know that if he chooses to do this anyway that he's choosing this toy over us. He still does not care. He's doing it anyway and already has started the process of getting a loan and has selected a bike to purchase. Mind you, this is the 4th times he's done something like this and it's always been a struggle and heartache. He does not have his self together, he also has a pill problem that he does not think he needs help for but he can't stop taking too many. He has gotten help before but reverted back to his pill problem after 2 months and after a family intervention still refuses help. When he does not get his way, he lashes out at me and says hurtful things and tells me things like you're such a B, or go to hell, and has even told me that I'm the problem and that I'm in the wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm stressed and anxious these days and I'm sad at the same time I don't have strong family support and don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and alone and I'm torn. He does have some depression issues which he takes meds for but refuses to actually talk to anyone about. Ot has been 11 years and I'm at the end of my rope.. Any advice?
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 04:24 am
@Hurtingme23,
What do you want to do, try to fix this relationship or make a clean break?

You don’t need anybody’s permission to leave your husband.

It’s your life, your decision, just make sure it’s what you want.

How would you like things to be in 5 years?

Aim for that.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 05:26 am
@Hurtingme23,
You don't have to have a joint account.

Here you go. Dave (it whatever his name is), my salary goes here and pays for most of xyz. Your disability goes here and pays for abc% of xyz.

I'm not saying that it will fix everything or anything, for that matter. But right now, he's spending and feeding his addiction with your salary and your credit score.

If he fails to pay his share, then tell him he needs to move out.

I'm serious.

Your marriage is highly unlikely to improve, and you can at least start over again without a 500 credit score and $20,000 in debt.

BTW, how is he getting approved for loans? Tell the bank that his credit score only should be checked (they won't necessarily do this, but it's worth asking).

I bet dollars to doughnuts that the lender is leaning heavily on your salary and your credit score for approval. Without either, he won't get a loan.
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 06:01 am
@izzythepush,
I want peace. I want to be treated like I matter. I want to enjoy life and be successful. That's my desire.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  3  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 06:14 am
@Hurtingme23,
Jespah is right, a bank might not choose to avoid using your credit, but there is something you can do about that. You are in control of your finances. Call the three major credit bureaus and lock your credit. It's easy and happens all the time. Whether it's from fraud or wanting to increase your score each one of these companies can and will decline inquires and/or approvals against your name and social security without express consent from you. It's part of The Economic Growth, Regulatory Relief, and Consumer Protection Act.

https://www.debt.org/blog/new-law-allows-credit-freeze/

Equifax. Equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services. 800-685-1111.
Experian. Experian.com/help. 888-EXPERIAN (888-397-3742)
TransUnion. TransUnion.com/credit-help. 888-909-8872.

So, one problem solved.

I read once, it's an average of five times it takes for someone to leave a marriage and seven times to leave an abusive marriage. You're not alone in your self-doubt, confusion, hurt, frustration and anger.

When you start putting words down on paper, it makes it just that much more real. But it also solidifies resolve, strength and courage.

No one here can tell you to stay or go. That's just wrong for anyone to say. What we can do is give support to any decision you make for the betterment of your life.

Having said that, I've been sort of where you are. It's never easy and I'm not going to get into specifics. All I can say is your story stuck a chord with me. So I know. If you need anything, reach out, people are here, maybe with help, or a lending ear or whatever.



Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 06:31 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

BTW, how is he getting approved for loans? Tell the bank that his credit score only should be checked (they won't necessarily do this, but it's worth asking).

I bet dollars to doughnuts that the lender is leaning heavily on your salary and your credit score for approval. Without either, he won't get a loan.


This and what neptune said- was thinking the same thing. Just don't sign the loan agreement. It would be in his name and impact his credit score when he does not pay it. Also, if he is unable to pay it then they come and take the motorcycle away.
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 06:37 am
@Linkat,
In a perfect world, that would be true.

But we don't live in a perfect world.

The very first thing a finance company will do is come after a spouse, get a Summary Judgement naming her as obligator and garnish her wages.

It's wiser to close down all credit sources.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 08:37 am
@neptuneblue,
This is some good stuff Neptune.

Not only solid and specific, but reassuring in the info you provided as in how difficult it can be to make the break.

Marriage of course is not just love and romance, but a partnership that involves business, and general agreement on where the ship is heading. It’s good to be reminded of this.
0 Replies
 
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 02:04 pm
@neptuneblue,
So I found out this morning that they ARE using my income information to help get the loan. They are using old information I had provided before to get a small loan. While they say I'm not required to sign on the loan they needed my income to make a loan decision. I'm so so so tired. I've done nothing but shed tears on and off all morning. My husband has called me 20 times in an hour (while I'm working might I add) asking for me to help him get this loan and I won't do it.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 03:23 pm
@Hurtingme23,
The lender sounds dubious, do you have any idea what the interest rate is supposed to be?

I'm not saying you should sign the loan agreement, even it is only 3%....but it would be another debt to deal with, and this whole operation sounds shady.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 06:51 pm
@Hurtingme23,
Let's start with one issue at a time.

Since you've informed the bank of your unwillingness to be part of the loan process, be sure to have them remove your income from the application. You legally cannot stop him from getting a loan, he'll just have to meet eligibility requirements on his own.

Now let's talk about the bullying at work. Again, you do have control over what happens when you're at work. Simply turn your cell phone off and put it away. If he direct dials your extension, don't answer, let it go to voice mail and then delete it without listening to it. Instruct your employer to not put through calls from him.

It really is as easy as that.

I know it seems very simplistic. But again, you do have control. It's time you realize that and accept how much power you really do have. And use it.
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 07:26 pm
@neptuneblue,
You are right. I'm not good at standing up for myself. I have always been the peace keeper but not anymore. I put my foot down and did not let him get his way. He left for a while, came back home and said he was sorry and he's not getting the motorcycle now. We will see how this plays out. I hate having to act like mom dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 May, 2021 10:39 pm
@Hurtingme23,
Here's the thing...

You just said...
Quote:
We will see how this plays out.


Um, why? Again, you are giving your power away and then...wait for it...complaining that you're giving your power away. It's a cycle that needs broken. He does childish stuff, you act like a mom to the rescue. He relents, says you're right. Until the next time, and you're right to where you started, him acting childish and you do your thing and, and and.

So. And it's a big SO. How to break the cycle.

Truthfully, it's an individual journey, each person has to find out what works for them and what doesn't. For him, this works. For you, it does not. If you don't want to act like a mom to your husband, then don't. Just DON'T. You not only have that right and responsibility to him, you owe it to YOU. And I think you forget that.

Really, you're just pushing off whatever is what's to come. You're still in limbo, waiting, hoping, looking for him to be what you need. What you're not actually seeing, is...he doesn't need you. You need him.

Yes, before you get mad and tell me I'm full of ****, you really need to hear it. He is going to be just fine without you. He can function and do his thing and play and buy whatever he wants and still be be ok.

You, however, have issues. Issues of control, of being alone, of self doubt and mostly, just not wanting to lose. Loss is a part of Life and you
are not wanting to accept that. Not everybody wins all the time. So you may think you've lost the Marriage Lottery. It happens, for a whole variety of reasons.

Some reasons may be your fault, others not. Take stock of those reasons, figure out what "peace" means for you and make a calculated and deliberate step to achieve what exactly what you want.

He needs to change. So do you. The question is, do you change together or separately?
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 07:32 am
@Hurtingme23,
Either separate your finances or separate yourselves.

Then there is always the possibility that you two are a poorly matched couple. I know I overlooked this possibility more than once.
0 Replies
 
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 01:34 pm
@neptuneblue,
I think I read your reply here, 10 times. At first it was like a slap to my face. Then the more I read it, the more I felt the truth in what you said. You are right. I've put up with alot just so I won't feel ashamed. Ashamed of losing or failing. I've been cussed out, yelled at, disrespected, and lied to and I just keep pushing through because I'd rather suffer than feel ashamed and like a failure. What a mess I am in. Thank you for your honesty.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 05:12 pm
@Hurtingme23,
The hardest thing emotionally to grasp is that your partner DOESN'T think (or feel) as you do. You have empathy and sympathy for and with others. Their ability to do so is either impaired, damaged or totally missing. They act in ways that are dysfunctional.

It may be time to cut your losses and untangle yourself. Don’t go down with the ship.
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 07:45 pm
@Ragman,
He says I am the world to him. He says all these things but words are empty if actions don't follow. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to not give this another chance if if might work. Yes I know I have issues apparently but how do you do this knowing you are making the right choice....i feel so lost.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 10:09 pm
@Hurtingme23,
So, in order to not be alone you put up being treated like crap. Your husband is abusing you verbally and emotionally and by now you believe him that you're no good and you don't deserve better. If you can, please get into therapy at once - you have no self worth and how do you think you'd feel in another 10 years of this continued bashing? I am not sure of what you'd feel ashamed? I would be much more ashamed to take that crap from another person than to stop him and walk out of it. That shows guts and determination to better yourself. Please go to a therapist to get some much needed help!
Hurtingme23
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 10:19 pm
@CalamityJane,
I actually have a therapy appointment coming up. I decided to get help for myself. Ashamed that my marriage failed. Ashamed because I don't know where I will go. Ashamed because I fear I didn't try hard enough.
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 May, 2021 10:37 pm
@Hurtingme23,
I am so glad to hear that you're getting into therapy. Don't be ashamed - you tried harder than most and you gave it your best. It takes two to tango and it's definitely not your fault, take that thought right of your head! Good luck to you!
0 Replies
 
 

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