The ugly past returning!!

I know it must be tough to see your friend dating this guy again but really there is nothing you can do about it. Your friend needs to make her own decisions good or bad and unless you truly see her in real danger I would stay out of it.

She will just be upset with you and choose the boyfriend over you anyway. I say this because this is exactly what happened to me many years ago.

Alot can change in 8 years.

Yeah, I just hope he has changed in the 8 years and will be nice to her and she has changed enough to know when she is being trodden on.

I wouldnt dream of trying to split anyone up if I didnt like someone in a couple, her last boyfriend wasnt as good as she could do either.
Suppose things are easier to see from the outside.

You know he may have changed. I know guys that I knew many years ago and have seen marked differences in how they mature and behave differently. I even met an ex of mine and he was embarrassed about some of the things he used to say and do when we were together a long time ago. I've learned to let it go and appreciate that this stuff is not worth dragging around with me.

Let them get on with it. If it's a mistake then let them make it. If he behaves like an ass while he is in your company then I see no reason not to say so out loud. Nothing wrong with having an opinion. If they don't like it, so what. You're not entitled to calling a spade a spade? I wouldn't go into this with the attitude that it's a crapshoot and the relationship won't work. Give them a chance. But at the same time, don't keep your gob shut when either of them say or do something to pee you off. If he is still the same git he was before I see no reason for you to ignore that fact. No need to harp on your friend that he is wrong for her (if you think he is), just respond to him if he is being an ass.

Material Girl--

Heeven said it--beautifully. Listen.

Message recieved and understood.Im only moaning to 1 friend(and you guys of course, so, hundreds of people really)

He has already upset a friends husband by greeting and leaving her with a full on the mouth sloppy kiss(like he used to).That caused an argument between them.

I dont see why they have to actually go out with each other, rumpy pumpy is inevitable, but she shouldnt actually go out with him.
Im wouldnt interfere with their relationship, I just think she can do a hell of alot better and Im just angry at things.Its gona be horrid being dragged back to my teenage years, the whole atmosphere of our mini nights out are gona change.

i think this would upset the hell outta me. was the argument between your friend and her boyfriend or the husband and wife? probably both, but i find it a complete and total lack of respect not only to your friend but to the husband and wife. if anyone ever did that to me, we would not be friends any more, end of story. and if when i had been dating my husband, i ever witnessed him kiss another woman (other than family), it would have been over.

now i realize that some people have different ways, etc, but kissing? esp if it was a full on the mouth sloppy kiss? that over does it for me.

maybe i am wrong, but i tend to be on the blunt side. i would sit my friend down, tell her how much i care about her and how much her happiness means to me, then tell her my concerns for her happiness. i also tell her, this is the only time you are going to hear this from me and if you tell me you are so happy you don't know what to do with yourself, i will be just as happy for you. i always emphasize that what matters to me most is her happiness but i could not in good conscience as her friend not tell her my concerns. i always too try to do it in a way so that she doesn't feel i am attacking her and get defensive.

i have lost friends this way. i lost a good friend to a very controlling man back in college. i told her my concerns, that her happiness was my #1 concern but i had to tell her once what i was worried about. she listened, then said she was very happy with him, i said great you will never hear another word from me about it. then she proceeded to tell her fiance, he forced her to remove me as her maid of honor one month before the wedding, and after her wedding we never spoke again. i was very sad, but in my mind, i had a clear conscience and i felt like what i did to this day was the right thing. i could not and would not just go along with what i knew to be a horrible situation for her (and still is i hear from other mutual friends she keeps in touch with).

i have also strengthened many a relationship this way. many of my friends have listened and said i am very happy so i never said another word. some got hurt, and when they did, i was very, very careful to not say i told you so, only be there in a supportive manner helping a friend get through a tough time. some of them acted right away and left their boyfriend, some of them didn't. if they didn't, i still socialized with them and was happy to do it to be close to my friend, and i never mentioned it again.

i cant say my way is the correct thing to do because like i said i have lost friends over it, but being who i am i cannot let a good friend go into what i see as a bad situation without letting them know my concerns for their wellbeing- one time and one time only.

i wish you the best of luck MG because it is a tough place to be.

Thanks for your advice.

The argument was between the husband and wife.They are ok now.

Im so upset about the whole thing.Its been on my mind for years.Iv wanted to say sorry to my friend for 'getting together' (we didnt do much btw, and he also did this with other girls)with her ex all those years ago.It wasnt my intention to hurt her but , I was a naive teenager and I later realised i was being used so why should I apologise.
I cant bring it all up as I dont think she is aware it has upset me all this time and I doubt Id be able to say anything without crying my eyes out.
I havnt seen either of them since they have been together.I think my friend assumes Im really good friends with him but with hindsight I have changed my opinion.


Well done to you for being so bold.Im sure my oinions will slip out over time.

A resounding slap across his face would portray the message nicely that this behavior is not acceptable! At least, if I were in this position, that is what I would do.



Why is she bringing him along to your nights out? Can't she see her friends without him? Or must he be on the scene now all the time? If she finds her friends are not happy being around him then she should (if she's smart) see her pals separately.

We get together every few weeks at each others houses, there is me, 2 couples and my friend(boyfriends or guys that people are seeing are welcome), we cant really say he isnt welcome as half of us were friends with him in the past and everything is supposedly tickityboo.

Just thought Id throw this in,when he went to my married friends house he drank all their drink and got drunk, which they wernt happy about.

I wouldn't let him get away with stuff. He is not entitled to play the ass and get away with it just because he knew you all from before. He should be on his best behavior and if he does not behave you shouldn't be worried that you might upset anyone by calling him on it. I would be mortified if my boyfriend behaved like this and would stop him, but if she doesn't then make them both aware that your group doesn't have to put up with it. If he gets drunk and slobbers over anyone, tell him (and her) that unless he can behave you'd rather he didn't come to the get-togethers.

I am always amazed at how people put up with boors and say nothing. I'm aware I would be the one to remark about the elephant in the room when everyone else is too embarrassed, polite or afraid to say so.

of course you can say he isn't welcome. i mean if he showed up, brought nothing, and then drank all their alcohol, then planted a kiss on the guy's wife--i can tell you what mr. d would have done, the guy wouldn't be able to see after the beating he would have taken (mr. d would have just made a comment on his drinking, but the kiss would step over the line). wow. i think that shows that he has absolutely no care whatsoever for you and your group of friends, so telling her after that incident that he isn't welcome (i can't believe she would stay with him after that) is not out of line at all, IMO.

again, though i tend to be horribly on the blunt side, it is my biggest asset and my biggest liability all at the same time. however, i think he stepped way over the line in this situation.

[quote="dragon49] i tend to be horribly on the blunt side, it is my biggest asset and my biggest liability all at the same time. [/quote]

Me too.

material girl--

I don't know this guy--and I don't want to, thank you very much.

I do have a sense of who you are from your many and varied posts on A2K and I suspect your compulsion to Do Something comes from your guilty conscience about being a bit of a fool at 17.

This guy is braiding his own rope for his very own noose. If you hold your tongue now, you can be around for your friend when she needs you--and she will need you.

What does your bf suggest?

I am on the side of Materiel' being quiet for the immediate future. Mainly, MGirl, because I think you have unresolved personal angst that will, if displayed at large, make you feel more the fool - when you are not at all. It can easily be seen as your jealousy by someone else, and I don't think, myself, that it is your jealousy.

I'd take a bit of a breath and watch him self destruct with others. And be there for your friend. Not that you have to do the I told you thing. Or completely keep quiet. But try not to go off....

If you are at some point feeling calm and in control you could talk to her straightforwardly - preferably at high noon on a sunny day in the park - about what you really think about the past, just quietly. Blurting it out and wailing over drinks might get through, but it well might not, and may leave you more frazzled.

Talk more to us about it if you want... it helps to figure out what you think.

Also, finally, this is not your business. Your friend is not a helpless victim; she makes choices. Don't make it all about you and your opinion (though I can empathize). Be straightforward but polite if it comes to interacting with them. Be calm. These aren't your choices, re the relationship, and that is a good thing..

Good advice, thank you to all of you , your all so lovely.
I thought I was gona get an ear bashing for 'betraying' a friend.

Ossobuco-My friend has matured alot and I hope she will be able to see through him, like I can now, if he acts like an arse.But she doesnt like being without a boyfriend.

Your right, its none of my business and Im happy not to think about it but I cant help it when I know itts gona effect my life.Id be quite happy never to see the guy again.

I suppose I need to see him again to see if he has changed but Im really dreading it.
I will be tolerent and polite as I can but if he has a sarcastic dig at me or pries to much into my private life(he liked to tell everybody about other peoples private lives), I dont think il be able to hold my tongue.

Noddy24-Yes I do feel bad about my foolishness but I wasnt the only one, Ive felt bad for years but I eventually realised that I neednt apologise for being niave and used.I wont be doing it again.
I didnt have anyone to talk to at the time tho he told a couple of people and so did she, so I felt like I was being gossiped about and there was nothing I could do about it.

After 12 years I told my married friend last week how I feel about this guy turning up again and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.She was one of his 'victims' too.Tho she didnt think about it at the time she agreed and realised what he had done when I told her my view

I have no bf, maybe if I had Id think about it less.sob sob.

Ugh, just thought, we are all going to a plas wedding next week,he may turn up to that in the evening!!

material girl--

Be bold, be strong, be resolute--and bite your tongue.

Il try.

Ive been practising my 'Oh its soooo nice to see you' phrase and my beaming smiley face look.