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Please tell me if AITA

 
 
Reply Wed 2 Sep, 2020 09:48 pm
Hey, everyone. I want to know what you think about something. My ex posted a discussion a few days ago, and I want you to read BOTH of the posts to hear BOTH sides of the story. I will be writing my messages as a response to you and him.


His post:
So I need advice. I’ve been with a woman by the name of Karina for the last four years every time I speak with her and tell her I feel she’s putting the last nothing changes. She’s constantly putting her family first she’s Catholic putting her friends first I have seen her maybe 3 to 4 times in the past month. She lives about 30 minutes away she never has time because she’s always wrapped up in her family 27 years old refuses to move out of her family‘s house. But this is a dilemma. Recently her grandfather died about a week ago she informed me that she’s quitting her job and becoming her grandmothers full-time caregiver but both of her parents are retired and her father is a retired doctor from the emergency department who lives there as well. She informed me that she will be working 5 to 7 days a week and we will most likely not be see each other I currently work three days in emergency room and I am in school doing 312 hour clinical rotations on my days off in the one day that I am off I I am on campus tested every Friday. I am also a single father of a 10-year-old but yet I somehow managed to make time to see her she was supposed to spend time with me on Saturday didn’t cancel because she said there was something she had to do with her grandmother to prepare her then reschedule with me for Sunday and then Sunday came and she canceled on me and said that she did not do what she was supposed to do on Saturday so now she’s doing it on Sunday. Just that Friday she was telling me how I am her family and she needs to spend time with me and she wants to spend time with me and how she’s gonna come and see me and be with me so we can at least spend this last weekend that I’m off before I start my crazy schedule and then Sunday she got mad because I was upset not even mad I was depressed that I couldn’t see her she said how dare I are selfish and all this other Stuff when I was was upset. So she blocked me and now she’s calling me from private number because I am in return blocked her I don’t think that it’s fair that she is constantly putting her family first I agree if there’s a death in the family you should be there for your family but to alienate me all the time it’s really crappy. And considering it’s been a week after he past and she told me that she’s doing just fine and the family is doing just fine kind of upsets me because she’s hanging out with her friends or she’s hanging out with her family I need to know what I should do a very big part of Me wants to just walk away completely and then for years because there is been like this from the start she constantly putting her friends and family always first I can understand once in a while but all the time really sucks I need to know what to do she literally blew away only two days that I will have to hang out for the next 16 weeks because of my schedule with school work and my son after that I graduate I will no longer be a paramedic I’m going to be a registered nurse but in all of this madness I still try to find time for her but she cannot find time for me what would you guys do and what do you think about the situation

My Response:
First off, what he didn't mention about everything is the fact that he'll go days and weeks without talking to me if I say or do something wrong in his eyes. We have been on and off for over 3 years, and he has kicked me out of his house multiple times, called me names to me and in front of his son, and told me he would never be with me again. Multiple times. On top of that, he has broken a lot of my personal belongings after breaking up with me and throwing my stuff out of his house. I have never broken any of his things. Ever. He's taken my key away, took down pictures of me off the walls, and again, told his son that he will never see me again. Not only is this abuse towards me, but also his son, who thinks I will be temporary because his dad doesn't want me around. I just turned 27, and I do live with my parents in a 3600 sq ft house while I attend my master's program while working full time as an ER nurse during the pandemic. I would have moved in with him, but, along with the above information, he only lives in a one bedroom house with his son and three pitbulls. There's not enough room for me. Let's move on to the grandparents thing.. We did make plans for Saturday. My grandfather died on Thursday. Two days, not a week, but thanks for caring SO MUCH about remembering it was ONLY TWO DAYS. I did not quit my job. I'm going on a leave of absence to take care of my dying grandmother with severe dementia, heart failure and afib, and diabetes. She's a full time job, and my 65 year old father shouldn't be picking up my 84 year old grandmother because she doesn't walk anymore. I have NOT called him from a private number. After he called me a "f****** b****" for telling him I didn't want to leave my family and hang out with him 2-3 days after my grandfather's death while we were STILL deciding what to do with his body and the care for my grandmother. I also have EVERY Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off from her care, as she's sick enough that HOSPICE is allowed to come into my house during those days. We don't expect her to make it past the next week, two weeks if we're lucky. But thanks for underplaying my family issues that have been extremely hard on my entire family.

Just wondering if AITA for "ditching" him to figure things out with my family?


 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2020 05:52 am
Here's where he's right: you're getting to a point in your life where you need to leave the nest and strike out on your own.

Annnnd, that's about it.

You're right that your grandmother will be a full-time job. However, you don't have to be the person who holds that job. If you can get insurance to pay at least a good chunk of it, then seriously consider at least part-time help. Your back and your sanity will thank you.

Plus you will be covered in case you come down with Covid.

Also, keep in mind that your grandmother could survive for years this way. How long are you committed to putting the rest of your life on hold?

As for what the rest of your life should look like, please don't keep him in it. Why stay with someone who mistreats you and doesn't respect your choices?

And why should he be with someone who he feels doesn't pay enough attention to him?

In short, you aren't married, you don't have a kid together, and your finances aren't otherwise commingled.

Who cares who the asshole is (for those who don't know, AITA means Am I the Asshole?).

You can and should end this trainwreck of a relationship and move on. There's no need, beyond ego, to dissect who was wrong.

Why bother?
karinathex
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2020 12:51 pm
@jespah,
I do need to move out! I am 100% in agreement that I do. He asked me to move in with him, but he doesn't have the space to have three people and three dogs, since it's a one bedroom place. I also don't feel comfortable signing a lease with him since he lives paycheck to paycheck, and still hasn't given me back the $1500 that he owes me from three years ago. When I tried to move in with my friend (34F), he said I was "ditching" him for my friends because he wasn't "good enough" to live with. I held off, and now she's buying a house instead. I work 1145pm-1215am, so living alone and getting home at 1am isn't really a safe option for me, but I am aware that other people do this.
Also, to comment on the grandmother thing.. Unfortunately, she is not going to make it very long. I'm being paid to take care of her, so it would fall on me. It's safer if I don't work, and I'll be paid to take care of my grandmother. I'm not sure why this is a huge deal to him, besides the fact that I can't just drop what I'm doing to take care of him and his son like I usually do. I'm also a full time student, so I will be able to do my homework that I couldn't do while working in the ER.

I do agree and think we don't belong together, which I told him many times. He would always win me back over by apologizing and saying he will make me a priority, but never does. After this last time, I told him if he didn't start showing me he cares, I couldn't be with him. He thinks me "putting my friends first" is making plans with them and not ditching them to hang out with him, or going to lunch with my friend for an hour and THEN going to spend the weekend at his place. He even got mad at me for "ditching him" during my sister's baby shower that I helped plan and host, and he got mad that I didn't text him during the two hour party. He got mad that I still went to my sister's wedding without him since he wasn't invited (my entire family hates him for constantly breaking up with me, telling me I'm a piece of ****, telling me I don't do enough, etc.) I'm constantly told I don't do enough for him and his son, and the things I did "don't count" because it happened in the past. He also gave away my cat of 8 months because he didn't want him in his house, yet blocked my phone number so I couldn't reach out to take him to my house. He was paying for the cat's food which I said I would reimburse or pay for all together, and he did say MONTHS prior he wanted to get rid of my cat, which I convinced him to keep since we had him for so long. He didn't even tell me he gave my cat away until I got there and asked his son where my cat was, and his son looked panicked and walked to the other room to get his dad.. Then he was confused and angry why I was crying so much and said "I told you I didn't want him in my house" and "you love the cat more than me." Sorry for rambling. At this point, I just needed someone to vent to, since my family and friends are tired of telling me how abusive he is.. I honestly can't tell if it's me because he makes me think that maybe I am crazy, and I am just overreacting to these things.

What really bothers me is he says "I don't see you enough" yet I'm the one driving back and forth between the houses, and he stays home. I used to go see him around 4 times a week (other 3 were spent at my place) but I would have to drive 45 minutes one way. If I have to do homework, I tell him I can't hang out that night because its 1.5 hours driving when I should be studying/writing an essay, but he gets upset that I "don't want to do homework there." The last two weeks he had final exams, I didn't do my homework so I could help him pass. He didn't mention it, but I was over all weekend, and we studied from 10pm-5am for his classes only, not mine.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2020 02:38 pm
@karinathex,
All you're doing is confirming that this is a lousy relationship.

BTW, abusers often promise the moon and are as sweet as pie when they feel the connection is threatened.

Don't fall for the sweet talk. You've already seen that he won't follow through. You're allowed to block him and walk away and not give him a second thought.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 Sep, 2020 10:16 pm
@karinathex,
I was married to an insecure, jealous, violent man for four years. I was so beaten down I had just about given up. I can assure you that he will never be happy with what you have to offer, but not because there is anything wrong with you. My ex-husband ruined many of my friendships, tried to put a wedge between me and my family and never missed a step in telling me how disappointed he was with me. I won't bore everyone with how I finally escaped from this misery.....but I see nothing but red flags from your descriptions.

I know you have many things weighing on you right now....do what you can for your grandmother's care, continue with school, see if your grandmothers medical team can hook her up with some respite care for you and your parents. Please understand I'm not saying you should give up your future and just take care of others....but I do understand the anxiety that comes along when beloved family members die or get sick. My mother and my maternal grandmother (age 58 and 73) both were diagnosed with Alzheimer's within months of each other). I really do understand how you feel split. This is just my opinion, and I know my experience was dehumanizing and colors my view but I have no more time left for people who suck the joy out of life.

I apologize for the length of this response but I've seen so many men and women settle for an existence instead of searching for peace of mind. Good luck in your journey....and condolences for the loss of your Grandfather. GB

0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Sep, 2020 03:34 pm
Why go back??????
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sun 13 Sep, 2020 08:39 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
Yeah, why go back?

Lose that SOB and move on!
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Sep, 2020 08:45 pm
@CalamityJane,
That guy needs good-byeing badly!
0 Replies
 
 

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