Fri 10 Jul, 2020 07:43 pm
I have been feeling tremendous guilt regarding a couple of incidents that happened in the first month or so that I started dating my current girlfriend of roughly 18 months. I was just hoping to get some advice over whether I should come clean or if it would be best to leave it.
To give you some background, I started seeing this girl (M) at the beginning of 2019. We really hit it off and soon we were spending nearly every night together. We didn't have proper sex for probably the first couple of months, but there were definitely feelings there and I knew there was something special.
4 weeks into us starting to see each other, I went on a night out with some college friends, one of which was my ex-girlfriend of 2 years. It was a drunken and emotional night (for reasons I won't get into) but I ended up staying the night with my ex. We didn't have sex but we did other stuff. I felt incredibly guilty but it was an emotional night for me and I told myself it wouldn't happen again. However, the following week on a night out I briefly kissed another friend of mine on a night out. Again, I know it was completely stupid but I was so far gone I can't even remember it and I was told it only lasted a few seconds.
Anyway, after these two incidents I gave myself a kick up the butt and told myself none of this could ever happen again. I decided not to tell M on the basis that it was completely out of character for me. Prior to this we never had the "exclusive" chat, however a week after all this happened I saw some scratch marks on M's back. I asked if they were from a guy and she said "no of course not, I assumed we were exclusive." A few weeks after this, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.
That brings me to this point, roughly 18 months later. I am still experiencing feelings of guilt about what happened but I am hesitant about speaking to M about it because I am 99% sure doing so would be the end of our relationship. The way I see it, as stupid as it was, it happened prior to any discussions of exclusivity/boyfriend-girlfriend chats. In addition, in the 18 months since that we have been together I haven't come close to cheating and am 100% confident it will never happen again. If I can make her happy, keep her safe, and not cheat on her in the future, is there any sense in bringing something up that happened so long ago which is only going to cause pain for both of us?
I would appreciate advice on this. I am really not a bad guy at all, I made some silly drunken decisions and I love this girl very dearly. I'm scared of losing her but I ultimately want to do what is right.
I should also say that neither of the instances were pre-medidated, they just kind of happened in the moment and I had no intention of doing anything with either girl beforehand.
Then comes girl #3. Oops.
One suggestion: stay sober!
Don't worry about it.
It's normal to be dating or having physical stuff with more than 1 person when you've only been dating a month.
It's not like you meet and Poof! you're connected at the hip.
Who knows what she was doing for how long before the 2 of you made some sort of commitment.
People put so much pressure on themselves over things that happened when they barely knew each other.
And no, this is your business from before you two were serious. Don't tell her.
BTW, I'm a woman.
I was married 26 years. Do you think I talked about crap that happened when the 2 of us only knew each other a month or 2?
Another suggestion, keep your mouth shut. Telling your girlfriend of these old slip-ups will only hurt her feelings. Don't think of it as coming clean, what you are doing is looking to unburden your conscience. What good can possibly come from doing that? Whatever happens before you are in a committed relationship is not up for examination. Well, it shouldn't be anyway.....talking about each others previous exploits is a lose-lose situation.
And what ragman said, stay sober.
There's no guarantee the girlfriends feelings will get hurt, but better to just keep your mouth shut just the same.
If husband had told me a year and a half into our relationship he had had sex with someone else when we knew each other a month, I would have said "I know. So did I, and you knew that"
Then again, we were adults when we met so there wasn't all this "I've known him a month and I just really really love him and he's perfect and everything.
Once we were committed though, that was different.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice and thinking behind everything. The issue with our relationship is that we never had that conversation of exclusivity, and in all honesty, it probably was implied early on. I'm also certain that she didn't have any other sexual interaction in the opening few weeks, and so I do appreciate that what I did was stupid and unfair.
I think it's correct in what you are all saying in that it wouldn't be fair on her to unleash this bad news on her. She would definitely take it badly, but hopefully my loyalty throughout 17/18 months in our relationship so far has earned one slip-up.
Also regarding the sobriety - it was never a problem but I have taken a step back with partying and nights out. I trust myself whenever I am in that situation now but better safe than sorry.
Oh yeah, honestly.
Honestly, I never cared about that stuff and I've been married 41 years. This is my second marriage...my first husband was such a jealous violent nightmare I thought I would never marry again. When I met my current (and last) husband I had been vigorously single for awhile, and there was no shortage of eligible men. It took both of us a little while to decide we would be exclusive (but he was 31 and I was 28 or 29).
I firmly believe that whatever happened between me and anybody else or him and anyone else before we committed was none of anybody else's business. I've just never understood why people want to describe intimate details about past dating partners. (every once in a while we would run into his old girlfriends, they would get giddy and gush all over him....I never got jealous, maybe that was arrogant, but it has always been so solid between us).
Personally I wouldn't have been upset about his dating other women before we committed....(he did and I saw other men) and maybe the OP's girlfriend wouldn't feel upset or threatened either...........What concerns me is the OP's sense of guilt...I just don't see anything good coming from his 'confession' about being human.
I think it could be a feeling of overblown importance in the big scheme of things.
Like everything they do must be shared and analyzed and discussed ad nauseum.
Heh. Sometimes when I was going to the grocery store he’d give me a list of a few things he wanted.
Sometimes it would be something that I would be, “oh **** no. I’m not getting that.” Usually because it would be something he had just recently gotten, and it wasn’t something he should have all the time.
Instead of getting involved in some big deal that would end up with us being pissed off at each other, I would just say “oh, they didn’t have any. “
Ya gotta learn to pick your battles.
I never beat myself up or felt guilty about that. I had other things to worry about that were actually important
No. Do not tell her anything; because that is entirely about you, not her.
It is about you being unable to live with yourself, it is not designed to do your girlfriend any good ... Indeed, it is purely selfish of you, as you were cheating on her in the first place ... In essence it doesn't matter what justifications you or anyone else uses; one does not cheat on the other person and that is from day one ... This is for ones own self respect, let alone respect for the other person.
As an adult, one has to consider one's actions before taking them and then live with the consequences .... That is what an adult does; they cope with their problems, rather than pass their problems onto other people.
Hopefully you have learnt something about life and decency since then.
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