Long story but what does he want from me!

Reply Sun 28 Jun, 2020 01:39 am
Partner cheated last year in October and left me for the women. I found out about her shortly after he left (1 week) but had suspicions previously. We have been together almost 6 years now. He stated he cheated due to arguments and disputes and him not feeling listened to. Although I found out he was already on dating apps and had gone with 2 escorts as well.

He told this girl everything about me she told me it all and he had been slating me and making up some lies and exaggerating it that’s why she said she went with him as he was saying he was not happy and wanting to leave me.
Anyway I begged for him back as I couldn’t live without him. The first week when he came back to me we were sleeping together but he was secretly still seeing this other women telling her he wanted her and liked her etc.

How I found out.. I messaged her as I was suspicious as I saw a heart on her wall as she had been liking things through social media and I had never heard of her before so I contacted and said please tell me the truth have you been seeing my (partners name) and she said yes sorry I have for 2 weeks. Spilled all the beans and then of course I confronted him and he admitted. I packed his bags which he was more than happy to finally take as he had been leading me on thinking we were maybe getting back together that whole week.

It gets more sickening after this that she kind of wasn’t sure now to believe whether he would go back to he again and told me she was done to me and him.

Me and him carried on as normal and only to find out the next week I get a message from her that every day he was messaging her telling her he wanted to meet up with her etc etc and even bring our 1 year old daughter to meet her and her kid (which he had already met)

We then went on to set him up I went to her house and we confronted him together and he denied sleeping with me and saying he is thinking about getting back with me even though I had proof and txts of him that he was with me and sleeping together etc.

This went on and off with the same thing for 4 weeks almost lies to me lies to her back and forward messaging from me to her her to me etc. I was trying my best to get him to forget her and eventually it worked and she backed off and said I don’t think we should talk to him. That was that.

Of course 2-3 months later after recovering from the trauma I was left up until now 9 months later feeling ptsd signs, flashbacks of how he left me (saying he wanted a break for a few days after an argument ) and walked out on my birthday weekend said he would be back that night to have our daughter as I would been drunk with friends .. however once I said bye to the babysitter I called him txt him saying are u coming home etc and guess what.. updated his status to single online and blocked me! All with his daughter at home, a drunk person and me utterly frantic. That is what I can’t get over as well. It haunts me, I still to this day check his status online and think it’s changed when he’s out etc. I’m getting slightly better but the whole ordeal I don’t understand. Why didn’t he just leave and stay away if he didn’t want me. He said it’s because he loved me but then why love me so much and do that to me and then say he liked her and wanted to be with her! To my actual face I had to hear that when we set him up and went to hers. I tried to let go I just couldn’t , I think the shock of it made it worse and I pleaded and txt and waited for him like an idiot. I was utterly depressed I’m talking couldn’t cope eat drink think I lost weight I couldn’t let him go and when he turned up in the evening I was so happy and then he stayed etc basically the same as if we were together however still telling her lies and saying he wanted her etc but as she wouldn’t let him round as wasn’t sure she trusted him he never got to leave me.

Basically I know I’m second best however he states I’m not but how can I not be? He only stayed as she wasn’t interested as much in the end and didn’t allow him back round. They slept together once and that was the night he updated his status and before that it was kiss and hugs etc.

Sorry for the long message. I haven’t spoken to many about how I feel about all this.

Since then he’s done nothing to prove I’m anything apart from deleting girls online however still continues to like girls online pictures of them looking pretty I stated I didn’t like it he agreed to stop and was nothing in it but kept doing it.

Now a weeks ago he cheated again with a neighbour we invited her to ours for drinks and we were all having a good time and relaxing etc and he offered to walk her home and he took some time but he said they were chatting. Now messages on his phone indicates more as she was reluctant and weird in them after saying u know why I don’t want to come round etc:

So I played smart as he denied and messaged her off of his phone pretending to be him and said about what happened that night and well basically I got my answer went mad and confronted him and he said it was just a kiss. And he continued to purposely ask her after his supposedly mistake back round and said come and show me again !!! I know I am stupid for still being here but this time I’m not as affected. I think all this time I was preparing for this to happen and I actually this time said I am leaving and he cried and said he’s an idiot etc I’ve been cold and no sex and off. He is very worried and completely the opposite of what he expected I would imagine as I put up with it the last time. But it’s slowly started getting back to normal chatting normal etc not being spoken about! And he clearly has got away with it again hasn’t he.

My question in all this is can someone love someone and do this, do you think he’s just using me to stay with his daughter ? Maybe has a sex problem? Low self esteem? What is your judgement on this! I just can’t read him. He states he loves me over and over but ok he may feel he does. He’s always been jealous Of me and accuses me although I wasn’t doing what he was stating, watching me checking my phone etc the whole relationship for absolutely no reason, he has always been insecure. middle child feels left out of own family always had issues with them and feels unwanted.

Honestly what does he want from me!

Not that it matters I’m 33 he’s 29
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Reply Sun 28 Jun, 2020 06:40 am
Divorce is expensive.

He's staying with you to save money.

You don't have to stay in this situation.
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Reply Tue 28 Jul, 2020 06:16 pm
People find it very difficult to separate what matters from what doesn't .... 99% of that which you have posted ... unimportant.

What matters is this:

* He stated he cheated due to arguments and disputes and him not feeling listened to

If you are absolutely 100% honest with yourself, do you see any truth in that?

* .... even bring our 1 year old daughter to meet her

Your missive does not begin "I am deeply worried for my 1 yr old daughter and myself" ... That is because your child is not the first thing on your mind and it should be.

* Anyway I begged for him back as I couldn’t live without him

Not true is it ... just you being hysterical

* Low self esteem?

That would be yourself that I can see ... He is a man-boy, just doing whatever he can get away with it appears ... Though of course we have only your version of the events and not his .... However in adult relationships, EVERYTHING is 50/50. Both sides are always to blame, but always.

My own first concern is that it appears your 1 yr old child is neither his first concern nor your own ... Which you need to rectify ... Your rubbish relationship is not the fault of the child, so both of you need to do the best for the child.

In my world, if it were myself and if what you have written is even partially true, then I would get a lawyer and get a divorce. Then focus on looking after the child properly and get her the best education possible. The child needs stability, no matter how that stability is arrived at and needs education even at the age of 1yr old that should have started.

It is a fact of the western world that the children of poor socio economic group parents, by the age of 3, are so far behind their middle and upper group equivalents in social and basic educational skills ...... that they will never catch up. By age 3 they are already destined to a life of poverty and tawdry mediocrity .

Focus on your child, she didn't ask to be born ... So she deserves your best attentions .... Rather than you attention being much focussed on her father whom you should have been divorcing from day one of his infidelity.

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