Hell no. Mo won't go.

Thank you all again.

And thank you for adding your voice in support, Vivien.

A long time ago I read that book by Gavin de Becker (the security expert) about trusting your instincts and since then I've been much less likely to rationalize my hunchs away.

Which is good even though I sometimes feel like I'm being a total nut job!

UNFRICKENBELIEVABLE.

After figuring that mega-preperation is the way to go I've been preparing Mo for his mom's visit tomorrow.

Getting him all jazzed up and excited.

Tonight I check my messages.....

.... and she called today to cancel.

<grumble and cuss>

<grumble and cuss some more>

Honestly. I can't win for losing with this gang.

Crap, sorry to hear that boomer. Poor Mo. He learns that happy times are almost always followed by immense let-down. Extra hugs to the little tough guy. And an extra one for you, boomer, as well as kudos for not doing his mom physical harm.

Crap is right. The fallout probably won't happen until tomorrow but I'm not looking forward to it.

It seems "mom" decided to go "out of town" for the night and will not be back in time tomorrow for their "date".

I've been trying to phase the let-down in easily talking about fun things we can do tomorrow.

So far so good.

I swear I could not make this crap up. If I wrote a book nobody would believe it.

Boomer--

At least she called.

At least Mo's half sisters have each other for comfort.

At least today went well.

Do you have any candle ends in the house? Perhaps you and Mo can dabble in the dark side of Fat City with voodoo dolls and pins.

Mo's mama is not worth nice, new candles for her voodoo dolly.

Hold your dominion.

Okay.

So does a kid ever just not like someone for no reason or is there always a reason?

Mo's first visit with Grandma P went well so when she called last week to spend the day with him again I said "okay".

He went happily, had a good time, and there was a lot less fallout than after the first visit.

So far, so good.

Then Aunt T calls today. She's wanting to know how it went with Grandma P and I tell her the truth without elaborating and without mentioning the second good visit.

She asks to speak with him on the phone.

I present the phone to Mo telling him it's Aunt T and he will not only not speak to her, he runs outside yelling "NO!".

I make an excuse and hang up. Then I try to talk to Mo about it and all he will say is "I don't like her." He can't seem to explain it beyond that.

I've tried bring it up a few times over the course of the afternoon and he just gets very quiet and evasive.

Are there any tricks for getting him to talk about why he doesn't like her?

I don't want to start making suggestions as to why.

I can't make excuses to her forever and I really don't want to alienate her.

Any advice?

Ask Mo whether Aunt T is a go-out-with person or a visit-at-home person.

You are absolutely right to honor Mo's opinions while at the same time trying to smooth the way with his birth family.

You look so cute standing on one foot with two cream pies on the sharper horn of the dilemma.

You are very honorable in avoiding asking Mo leading questions.

Unnecessarily hurting Aunt T's feelings would be too bad. Hurting Mo's developing self would be worse.

As for doctors and dentists and the first day of school--you can trust these people. Mo's birth family has years of demonstrating responsibility ahead of them.

Maybe if I sit down and eat a cream pie....

The most I've been able to get out of him is that "there's a ghost in her house".

Since he has only been to her house once and that was years ago and way before this problem started I don't know if that's exactly the real reason.

I think something had to have happened during one of their outings. I went back through my notebook of visits today and came up with something that might be relevent.

The last visit he went willingly with her was on her husband's birthday.

Husband's family gets together every Sunday for dinner. The birthday party was planned to take place during normal Sunday dinner hours. Mo's mom couldn't make it to the party at that time so they moved it to later in the day.

For some reason this made Aunt T mad. She decided to not go to the party and to pick Mo up for an outing instead.

Off they went.

For the last time.

Maybe she was being pissy, or weepy, or jerky or something and it just stopped him from wanting to go with her.

Or maybe she has a ghost in her house.

I dunno.

Now that I'm on this train, I can't seem to get off of it.

I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps her relationship with Mo has more to do with her "appearance" than it does with actually having a relationship with him.

The last time she was here she mentioned that her parents were coming to town. She always wants to see him when her parents are in town. (Her husband is Mo's mom's uncle - her parents aren't related to Mo at all.)

And maybe she's trying to somehow "outdo" Mo's mom by keeping up more contact.

I kind of hate myself for thinking like this but I wonder if there might be some truth to it.

Boomer--

When she comes to visit Mo at your house, is most of her conversation directed towards him or towards you?

Does she talk to Mo as though he's a person, or does she use a special "speaking to kiddie" voice?

Is she the sort of woman who would use the threat of a boogie man--or a ghost--to control Mo's behavior?

I doubt that a married-in great aunt can have much clout in adoption procedings--and Mo doesn't trust Auntie T.

Have another piece of cream pie--and cut one for me.

Hold your dominion.

You know what? She does talk to me more than she talks to him!

Interesting that you should ask that.

(Does being so perceptive give you headaches!?)

And she does use that kiddie voice. I wrote that off to the fact that she doesn't have a lot of experience with kids. I used to do the same thing until I learned how smart they are.

I have no idea if she would use a ghost or a boogie man to get him to behave according to her expectations but maybe....

I think I will ask her about it and explain the Winnie thing.

She kind of reminds me of one of those old school women who are really hung up on appearances (and here I'm speaking as the child of a kind of weird old school mom with a dash of bohemia). Despite the fact that I know for an absolute certainty that she is married into one of the most dysfunctional families on record she presents very Stepford.

If you know what I mean.

Listening. Nodding with Noddy.

Thinking, maybe put the next visit off by, er, the amount of time of a parental visit....

Is is banana cream, coconut cream, or Boston cream?

Ummm. Boston cream I think (being more of a cake lover than a pudding lover).

Parental visits are very scarce these days. It has been more than a year since we've heard from Mo's dad and since May (I think) since Mo's mom has seen him.

Or maybe you're right!

Maybe Aunt T's visits need to be scarcer than that.

"Nodding with Noddy" would be a great parenting show. Maybe the Discovery channel would be interested.

Ah, shucks, Boomer, Osco. Thanks for the kind words.

I've been a middlewoman for custody visits when the children's mother wanted to avoid conflict with the children's father. Showing off to an adult is much more fun than dealing with a kid.

Hemmingway said that in order to survive every bright child needed an automatic bullshit detector. Mo's got a built-in, functioning bullshit detector.

Nooo, I meant Aunt T's parents, didn't you say she seemed to be oriented to a kind of role playing... (maybe I've lost continuity here).

Not that I am against putting it off and off and off.

I am curious, was she oh hold when Mo was saying Noooooooo? did she hear it?

Did either of you ever read the book, Children of Sanchez, by Oscar Lewis? It was a formative book for me, as it told a family story from the point of view of all the family members, not as a story but as a sociological study; however much they are stories, the studies mean to be nonfiction. That book has stuck with me all these years....

I remember the mother discovering every morning that rice and beans would have to be bought and cooked for lunch....

Every morning she started from the very beginning--with very little money.

I don't remember the mother, specifically. I remember something about brother finally getting money and then going and buying a tv (I think).

I am not condemning these peope, they are me. I was interested in the multiple views of the same time and the multilple different emphases on things.

Ah, the selective velcro of the human mind.