Wed 26 Feb, 2020 08:40 am
First time posting, not sure how this all works.
About 7 years ago I (29/M) met a girl I fell for super hard and she strung me along, used me, and eventually I found out she was engaged the entire time. This hurt me pretty badly to the point that I gave up on romance and just engaged in one night stands for a few years. I didn't want to get hurt again. Eventually I started "dating" people again, but never longer than a few months. I got into some "relationships" that I realize now I was only in just for the sake of having a relationship, and I couldn't give them the emotional reciprocity they were seeking. I know it's selfish of me, but that's just where I was.
Which brings me to the story at hand. About 6 months ago I matched with this girl (26/F) on Hinge. We spoke for a little bit, but never wound up seeing each other. At least not at first. After a few months we started texting semi-regularly. She's a chef from Peru, and we have many common interests like music, traveling, and generally the same worldview. She's passionate, driven, has a kind heart, she's not world weary or overly cynical, and she makes me laugh. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful either. Eventually I got her out on a date and we hit it off. Nothing too fancy, just some drinks. A few weeks later we went out again, going on a walk in the park that night. We kissed, held hands, all that stuff. We went out a few more times after that, each better than the last. We both felt very comfortable around each other, and I found myself falling for her. There was just one problem: she told me she was moving to Berlin to open up a restaurant with her boss/former coworker. Obviously that seems like a dealbreaker, but it just so happens I lived in Berlin for 2 years, went to school there. So instead of giving up on her I wrote her a little guide to help her get acquainted with the city and its customs, gave her some sites to check out, sent her some apartment hunting websites, etc. I never pretended like she wasn't leaving, but I guess in my fucked up little mind I thought, given my ties to the city, we might be able to work something out.
So last night we went out again, walked around, had some drinks. I asked her if I was going to see her again before she left and she told me she wasn't really looking for anything sentimental, that she had gotten out of a 3 year relationship with her ex last year and wasn't looking for anything. So, given that she was being honest with me, I was honest with her: I told her that I'd never met anyone like her before, that if she was going to any other city in the world I might not have brought it up, and that I was sure that she was going to achieve what she wanted in life more than anyone I've ever met. At this point she almost started crying, and she said was at a point where she was trying to learn how to be alone with herself before looking for a relationship, but she told me she thought I was really great and interesting, and she thanked me for never letting her feel stupid like her ex had made her feel and that she hoped we could still be friends because she found me really easy to talk to and I made her feel good. She also said that everything we did together was what she felt like doing and not what she felt like she had to do, and that if I ever came back to Berlin she would want to see me. I didn't rule out the possibility of friendship in the future, but I told her I needed some space and that I couldn't see her again before she left, but I said that I didn't regret our time together and I wish her nothing but good things. She understood, and told me she was sorry and I told not to be, that I didn't regret it and I'd do it all again if I could. So I walked her home and we kissed each other on the cheek before we said our goodbyes.
That was last night, and though it doesn't hurt as bad as I'd feared it might I'm still feeling pretty shitty. I deleted all my dating apps because I know I'm not going to be in any shape to date anyone for a while. She really was the girl of my dreams, and I'm not bitter about it, but that doesn't stop it hurting a bit. I guess if I got anything really great out of this it's that I learned that I could feel things I didn't know were possible, so maybe someday there's a chance I could feel it again? I dunno. Today's kind of a rough day.
Anyway, that's my rant.
Great rant - and I mean it - hopefully it gives you a little release.
Don't let it get you down. You met a great girl - there are others out there. Give yourself some time and take the advice she had given herself:
she told me she wasn't really looking for anything sentimental, that she had gotten out of a 3 year relationship with her ex last year and wasn't looking for anything
Take that advice and after a little bit download your dating apps again. And follow what she says above - date for the meeting other people and enjoying their company - don't go back to the crazy one night stands - date women and get to know them - make friends.
And when you are feeling better maintain your friendship with this "dream girl" - she sounds like a really great person and would be a great friend - honest, sincere --- and just remember she seems to be a dream girl - in reality she might have ended up being more "ordinary" as you got to know her better.
But in one respect this should make you optimistic that there are really nice, sincere women out there. Go out have fun and you never know what will happen and who you meet and when.
Wake up and live your life.
Spend enough time alone or in meaningless relationships (whichever works for you) until you learn the reality that there is no perfect 'One' for you.
If you come out of this with nothing more than a real friend that you can write to, you are a very lucky man.