(M, 28) Wanting to improve things with my wife (F, 28)

Good Afternoon people,
So this is a long post but just bare with me. My name is Javari. I have a wife, Stacy, who I love very dearly. I got her a ring this year for her birthday on January 4th. We don't live together yet. I know the age gap but at this age, it's nothing. She's exactly what I was looking for and just came along randomly really.

Anyway there are numerous issues or at least it feels like there are so let me start.
1)Currently my neighbor and his friends (including ex-friends of mine if they keep this up, ex-coworkers and his baby mother, my wife's 3 years younger cousin) all had this evil plot to make a mess of my life. So if you've heard of Nick Young-Iggy Azalea-D'angelo Russell. There was an incident there in 2016. Russell was seen as snitching on his teammate and ruined his relationship with his woman. All these people above are trying to recreate this incident with my neighbor as the victim. So they're trying to make it look like I meddled in his relationship, snitched on him and caused a breakup between him and the mother of his two kids. Then on the other end, they're trying to make Stacy think I'm cheating on her. Now I didn't realize this was going on until last week. As in, I didn't realize this is where they got the whole script from. If you youtube search d'angelo russell nick young, what they're mentioning on ESPN is what's happening to me. I just realized the complete similarities and everything. Then I realized my neighbors god-brother's are big Lakers fans, so they knew about this story. Plus iggy azalea is famous, so other people knew the gossip. So these fraudsters were trying to recreate this in my life at Stacy and I's expense. So this year March they tried to set a trap for me to make it seem more realistic. They've just been crap people to me when they felt like it, for as long as I can remember. 15 years of shady friendship. So now with Stacy, I don't want her to be friends with them or around their influence. They have a history of influencing people to think I'm a clown show. Something I realized over the years and drew up the blueprint over this year. That really shows all they been doing.
For example, Stacy's cousin has secretly for years been trying to make it seem like I've actually been harassing her family. This is one of the absolute most ungrateful beings on the planet. This woman impinge on my time constantly, "can you watch my kids?" "can you do me this favor?" "can you help me move?" Then she goes on the web to 100's of people tell them I'm actually a stalker, sheer immaturity. And she's always putting her 2 cents into everything. They've been digging into my emails, finances and everything and sharing them with people. Then when it comes to my neighbor and his babymom and affiliates: We use to work the same job.
So I would be on social media posting, I love SB and things. Those initials stood for Stacy. Now my neighbor knew that but was convincing everybody in the workplace that these posts were about one of the male coworkers in the job with those same initials. One of them had kids and the other was rumored to actually be a homosexual. And then I would hear whispers about it around me. Someone coming up to me while I'm working questioning me about my sexuality and everything. So those people had it out for me; since I don't know how long. There's nothing homosexual or bisexual about me saying I love Stacy. There is something wrong with my neighbor trying to portray that it was about a man and him technically implying Stacy is a man. Since the post was about Stacy and he tried to make it seem like I was talking about a guy. Stacy is 100% woman. They're all sneaky and snakey acting like they're looking out for Stacy but really just want to screw up my relationship with Stacy. That's what they use their popularity for. For wrong stuff. This guy even saw me asleep in a neighbor's house and then pulled down my pants and took a picture of my genitals. I think his plan was for Stacy to see it in hopes that she would think I'm small & dump me by seeing my non erect man parts. Stacy is a very beautiful woman. They were all trying to figure out if I slept with her and didn't know. So that photo was supposed to make her second-guess wanting to be with me. Being a guy and having known some of these people for many years, I'm aware of how they think. All of what they're doing is to add a new person to the list of people who carry their slanted view towards me. Stacy is the newest target for them to recruit. Stacy already knows I'm 8 inches at erection anyway.

2)The Megan situation. There was this woman named Megan that sneakily tried to infiltrate my life. And people were apparently trying to convince Stacy that I was cheating on Stacy with this female. But I actually wasn't cheating on Stacy or playing Stacy. I didn't even know what people were trying to do and that they were in on yet another evil con. To ruin my relationship with Stacy. I'm entirely not interested in Megan. It isn't something Stacy and I talked about but I'd love to let her know that I truly did not cheat, not even in a drunken blacked out state. I am extremely dedicated to Stacy. So anyway, I had a medical situation and they tried to put in my medical records that I was preoccupied with Megan and thought Stacy was crazy. It was planned for me to find a way to get a copy of these records, then they'd have someone steal it and spread it to the public (sneakily violating HIPAA). Which is why they wanted my records to say that I thought Stacy was crazy and a whole bunch of other things that were meant to be designed to ruin my life. I actually explained that I was having problems, think Megan is out of her mind and that I love Stacy; where Megan was trying to make me forget about Stacy and lead the idea that I was cheating on Stacy. People were even trying to talk me into dating Megan. Like no. It's not a bullying thing but I already love Stacy, so I don't need to date Megan. And I'm not suffering from oneitis or unrequited love. Megan wouldn't even be my next choice. They really tried to convince me to forget Stacy and date this girl. People want me to feel bad for not wanting to date her. No, I make the choice of I want to be with. And one thing this whole thing is a sign of, is that it would be impossible for me to end up in situations like that if Stacy and I are living together. Part of why I'm trying to get Stacy and I living together. Then Stacy would always know I'm coming home to Stacy.


3)My college and the doctor: I went through some dark times. And I would go to school for counseling. Little did I know that they would portray it as me going to counseling for behavioral issues and me being noncompliant with their disciplining me through counseling. I went to counseling when I needed someone to talk to about what I was going through and how it was affect my performance in school. Which included bullying by the above mentioned people (not Stacy) along with anyone I mentioned below who fits. I feel like I was living a lie because I know in my reality (which is not of delusion) that I went there by choice. Didn't go when I was feeling well. If I was going there for campus behavioral issues, I wouldn't be asking the counselor if they could let me go to two sessions per week instead of one. They were sitting there acting like they were dealing with someone who had substance abuse issues, kleptomania, domestic abuser syndrome, pedophilia issues, etc. When I was just seeking for someone to talk to about what I'm going through. Including how to fix my relationship with Stacy. Then they had this whole plan to violate HIPAA (by loophole) and release all this stuff to the public that would mislead people into thinking I was a menace to society and had very violent and erratic behavior. Where no matter what I did they were going to make me seem like I'm crazy and mentally unstable. They lied and said I was getting into fights on campus to make it seem like I was a violent person. What should of said was that in 2015, their employees got someone to try to beat me over the head with a steering wheel lock. And is still playing innocent to this day. And I could've died because I was 1.5 years removed from a serious concussion. Then tried to make it seem like I have a history of false accusations, so that if I spoke out against them; they could treat it as illness related. Completely abusive people. They tried to screw over my life, so that I couldn't make something of myself and would have a target on my back. Which would make it harder to provide for my life and show that I can be a good provider for Stacy.


Stacy's cousin Rosie & my neighbor Rishawn (mentioned above): Yeah, if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't know who Stacy was or even met her. However, she does some evil manipulative stuff. Again, the stuff that I mentioned before; as well as a whole bunch of other stuff. My neighbor found out I got Stacy a ring and they all devised this plan to make think that Stacy was cheating on me in response to their plan to make me look like I was cheating on her. And that it resulted in her cheating on me with my neighbor and she got pregnant but still accepted the ring from me. In order to make me look a big to everybody and humiliate me. Which caused me great emotional turmoil. And he was finding out about all the communication I had with Stacy. So it looked like she was feeding him the info and they were both laughing at how they're making a fool of me. However, she wasn't and he was just hacking into my stuff and repeating stuff around me to make me think so. I mean, I absolutely do not want him around her. He's always doing some evil stuff. I remember someone kissed me on the cheek because I did something nice for them. And my neighbor found out. Then he sent me a text or told me in person that the girl gave him oral. So then I flipped out on the person some time after because I was think she did that to make a fool of me. Doing something like that then kissing me on my cheek, to leave me with the traces of his you know what. Me and this person are no longer on good terms. But they have their own life and I have mine. Of course this all went on when I was under the impression Stacy had cut ties with me for good. I should've know my neighbor was a liar because of his tendency to lie with a straight fact and for the sake of it. Then he was mentioning how Rosie was trying to hook him up with someone (who he was trying to imply was Stacy). I'm sure he's been snooping through my history with Stacy to try to find a blueprint of how to win her over, like the snake he is. Which it would actually just be him being fake and not genuine in the first place. So now the both of Rosie and Rishawn have been in on some devious stuff. It wouldn't surprise me if her and Rishawn slept together in the past with all the late night hanging out. Anyway, he's been trying to get Stacy to put a restraining order on me. And I'm sure Rosie has been helping him push the idea to her. Because they want Stacy to dump me, so that I can feel like crap and they could taunt me about it. Seems like my neighbors want to do that too. So the two of them, along with people affiliated with them, have all been trying to influence the both of us to turn against each other. However the plan should be Stacy and I standing strong together. Now I definitely hope Stacy is listening to them. Because that would mean that she's absolutely oblivious to what Rosie did early on; when I wasn't aware Stacy cared about me (a lot of self-doubt). She tried to trick me into walking into her naked out the shower. Usually, she'd knock to let me know she needs to change so that I can get out. But then this time she waited until I stepped out, then she snuck in, so that I wouldn't know she's in there and walk back in to see her naked. The door was closed but not locked where I could know she was in there if I tried to walk in. Plus I was blasting music, so I didn't know she was in the shower. Now it is her own place and right to privacy. But she knew what she was trying to do. I didn't have sex with her or do anything. It's not like I try to not let her dress herself in peace, where she'd have to sneak in to her own room from. She probably ran to Stacy and told them different story too. However, if Stacy doesn't see that a good number of people in this are really agenda filled then I don't know. Again, in 2013 Rosie tried to make the entire public think I was harassing her female cousins and everyone just bought it. Even though me and her cousin and Rosie's brother use to hang out until all hours of the night. Even sleeping in the same room. And Stacy would come there sometimes too. There's even a picture of me, Rosie's brother, and their younger guy cousin (when he was in like middle school) asleep in Stacy's other cousins's room. I don't know why Rosie wanted to push this idea. And I know it was her. Then there was the Rosie misgendering both Stacy and I. She was in my presence on speakerphone with someone trying to convince me that Stacy was a man and had man parts. So I shut Rosie down, then she tried to get the other person to corroborate and I shut that down too. Then there are Rosie's constant references of me being a "B(expletive) on his period." This was even before I met Stacy. Oh and Rishawn's god-brothers have been trying to influence the two of us to not get along. In fact, I'm really not very liked. And it intensified every time they see me getting close to Stacy. They want to sleep with her, the females have agenda. The other part of it, is that her being with me forces them to be more respectful to me. Which they don't too much fancy to do. One thing that does make me uncomfortable is that in 2018, I definitely saw someone in my neighbor's home one day. She came out his room in a towel going to shower. Her complexion looked like Stacy but I didn't get a good look. I actually don't recall what Stacy's skin tone was around that time period (complicated). So I don't really know the truth. I want to trust that it wasn't her. Because that is out of line to sit here and lead me like that, just to do all of that. Especially with the guy who was helping spread false homosexual rumors about me and did all these screwed up crap to me. I think a lot of people tried to push that idea that I was heterosexual or bisexual and then called it gaybashing when I defended myself from it. I remember I was on facebook to set up me visiting someone I grew up with that was incarcerated over something it was said he didn't do. Then somebody responded from his inbox asking me if I was gay. So I mean, lots of people had been pushing that idea. While simultaneously trying to make sure Stacy and I don't end up with each other. So that they could keep pushing this story. The other thing that's interesting is that, the timing Rosie tried to push this whole stalking, peeping tom stuff was when I got a new job in a place surrounded by females. A place that my Rishawn worked at and was well known at, which I was new to. So Rishawn alerted her to it. Then she would tag my profile in stuff like that, so that Rishawn could take the screenshot and spread it to the coworkers. Where Rishawn basically is a complicit accomplice who acts like a witness. Then strangely Rishawn tried to tell someone in management and workplace leadership that I was checking out (as in sexually observing and sexualizing) underage girls in the job (like a peeping tom). And I was standing there baffled because I don't do that. And I wasn't even aware someone was around me until he did that. For me it's like, the only reason he'd do that is to put a target on my back. Because people get beat up for being grown adults preying on underage girls. I was 22 nearing 23 at the time. I don't do that stuff. Basically he was trying to damage my career and future. You get stuff like that on your record and your life can be screwed. That's part of why I was actually uncomfortable working there; because I didn't want anybody lying on me and claiming I was involved in some sexual stuff with underage girls. Even if it was just staring. Now here's another thing. It seems like Rosie tries to start arguments with me, so that I could fall into the trap. Then she could use anything I say against me. Convince everyone that I'm starting trouble. And then run to Stacy with it like, "you see, I told you. You need to dump him." At one point, Rishawn, his god-brother and whoever even tried to make it look like I was sleeping with Rishawn's sister while they knew that wasn't happening because I wasn't ever alone around her. Then they tried to make Stacy think I had something going on with my married neighbor who use to live in the house behind my building that the married couple, Rishawn, his god-brother and another friend married couple lived in. Anyway they could convince Stacy I was cheating with, they would try it. Now my neighbor Rishawn recently did something else. I posted on a secret page about how a rappers ex was smiling when she saw me in the club one time as stepped in. Real story. Rishawn changes his facebook profile picture to himself rapping in a booth. I posted this before my last phone was stolen. He changed his profile picture later. And I know he was in on who stole my phones. He’s behind all of it. So he read that. And changed his profile picture. So he even thinks he’s a famous rapper. Plus he wants it to look as much as possible like I had something going on with the birth mother of his two kids. First of all I was talking about light skin rapper. And the woman doesn’t even live on my side of the USA. He’s reaching to sell this idea that I have something going on with the mother of his two kids, so that Stacy would leave me behind or cheat on me in revenge. It is horrible. And I look like the person in the wrong for being disturbed by this. Anyway I only care about Stacy. Hopefully she still cares about me.
I'm sure they even got people to corroborate the lie for them too. And I'm sure they tricked me into situations to look like it too. They even use to me Stacy said she doesn't want to be with me and to look for other girls. Which the plan was then, to report me being around other women to her; so that she wouldn't want to be with me. They say show off your woman, which I'm not ashamed to do. Before my phones got stolen, I would post about her EVERY DAY. The thing here is that, every time they realize me and her are getting close, they try to sabotage it. A lot of people do. I can't even begin to comprehend how Stacy manage to let Rosie get away with portraying that I'm forcing Stacy to like me. This girl Rosie goes around pushing the idea that nobody in the world liked me and she pitied me. Which was beginning in her mind that the only way Stacy could like me is if I forced her to. When it fact, she may be forcing Stacy to say she doesn't. She's known Stacy all or most of her life. Longer than me. I can't begin to wonder what kind of blackmail they have on Stacy that she won't speak about.

My neighbors: They're in on the nonsense too. They heckle and taunt me from outside of my window constantly. And it isn't paranoia either. I wouldn't put it past them that they've been reporting my name to the police with misinformation. Like I have this one female neighbor in a complex across the street from me; and she has this boyfriend. They're always in some loud argument that I can hear from the ground level to my fifth floor. Police have arrived there multiple times to her complaints. And they're always making noise into the middle of the night. And she heckles me talking about I'm not right. I don't even talk to her, and I'm just crossing the street one day and I hear her direct something at me saying "I'm not right." Random. I think they have my information on a website. Because even my downstairs neighbor knows my name and I haven't ever told her. So they may be filing false complaints using my name as the culprit. Something that my neighbor Rishawn probably schemed up with the rest of the people. Then again, the whole Rosie portraying I'm harassing everybody. I got myself a new number. Didn't give it to anyone except a few people and some by accident. And Stacy intentionally. The only other people that had my number were school related and we barely communicated. Or seeking employment related. The string of text messages in my phone tells you that I haven't been communicating with people to be harassing them. I been keeping to myself for like 2 years.

People who act like my friend: But they secretly try to flirt with Stacy or trying to have sex with her. And they try to hint that to me. And it makes me very uneasy. Because I'd choose her over them. Because she's not some random girl to me. And she's the woman that I love. Not some for them to try to sleep with. That's what they do, that preying stuff. Where they wouldn't try it but because they see me mentioning how much I love her, they try to do it. Then I get blamed for being private about my love life. I've already experienced this growing up. The effect of them knowing I like someone and them trying to influence that person to not be interested in me or something like that. They know what they do, trying to do underhanded stuff to make me seem like a weak a male and them superior to me. Like for example my neighbor's god-brothers having the plan of trying to talk me out of being into Stacy (which they know they're wrong for). One them adding Stacy on facebook, which seems innocent. However, his real plan was to post this demeaning video of me on facebook in hopes that she'd see it and think less of me. Be repulsed by me and think I'm a clown show. I know how they think, she's an older woman. So anything they could do to make me look immature in her eyes is what they attempt to do on a consistent basis. That's also the basis of them taking that photo of me where they pulled my pants off. It isn't the first time they've done things like that to disgrace me before I even met Stacy. But that's where they get the ideas from. Because it's worked for them in the past. Which is why I isolated myself from them. And it improved things between Stacy and I. Except all that stuff people did was still in my head (including Rosie and all the making me feel like Stacy despises me) and it made me miss dates with Stacy. And become so self-doubting. And it reflected very badly on me.

Stacy: Now when it comes to Stacy, I love this woman dearly. I mean, I can't see myself with another woman. I met her 2010. Realized I was in love 2011. Wasn't sure if she felt the same. Always doubting myself. Doing stupid things out of that self doubt that for a time (which I mentioned above) made me think she'd be saying goodbye for good to me. But she always found ways to find me. So that whole stalker thing is overblown. Stacy always knows how to find me. It's that these people screwed up are communication. Now the other problem here is that, I really feel she fell into the influence of all these other people. That doesn't mean Stacy is stupid or anything. She's a smart woman. And she has very unique ways of communicating with me; where I'd have to be extremely attentive to pick up on it. Even her rejection to me, isn't really rejection. But I don't pick up on it right away, until I think about it. With Stacy, I'm not saying I have her wrapped around my finger. I don't cocky like that. With Stacy though, she does at times tell me she doesn't with me as some paper-trail (unless people are saying that for her) but the moment she's sees me with another woman; she gets bothered by it. So for the most part, I just tune it out and try to really take in what she's actually trying to tell me; be patient about it too. Because I'm not willing to let go of the woman I truly love. And I also am conscious of the fact that she could consider it to be hurtful for me to be involved with another woman. So I know friends are off limits, a rissa is of limits, cousins off limits and other women. It's really hard for me because I get really turned on throughout the day and I have to battle with myself for her. But I can't really physically bring myself to sleep with someone else. I'll just feel wrong. I also feel psychologically blocked. I even fight impulsivity and ask myself how Stacy would feel if I slept with this person. I don't really have the serial cheating problem. Like some guys could just bring any woman into their home to sleep with. I can't do it. The only person I want here with me is Stacy. Of course I let someone in my room before I knew they were up to evil and misrepresentation. So they knew what it looks like but they weren't there for sexual reasons. Plus I think people have a visual of my room and could use people to lie and say they were there. And this thanksgiving, I had my cousin (who dates females) in there. That of course is because I was showing her the ring I was giving Stacy. The ring I bought her originally was from 2015. I had recently found the receipt. This was before I came across Megan and I even bought it on Stacy's birthday. I waited a whole 4 years. Not because I was unsure how I felt about Stacy but because there was a lot of drama going on and I was unsure how she felt about me. Otherwise technically, I was already thinking about spending the rest of my life with her since like after summer 2011, early fall 2011. So honestly, I've been going through torment. And people are really trying to get her to get rid of me. I remember how, Stacy was telling her cousin's mother that she's sure I get girls. Because her cousin's mom was saying I probably don't. Of course she use to joke around with me like that. But clearly that shows Stacy saw something in me that makes me a worth it man. She even said I'd make a good husband. Even though she was shy about it and was nervous to repeat it. It was probably a thinking out loud tongue slip. "Did I say that out loud." Then there was the getting her same cousin's mother to ask me if like her while Stacy listened on speaker. And based on my reaction, her cousin's mother said that proves I do. I was wondering how she even knew that was made me react like that. I was definitely the a lot more nervous type back then. I don't recall giving any signs that I did but she knew. Woman's intuition I guess. I didn't actually realize Stacy was listening on the other end. But I'm saying, I've been into Stacy for an extremely long time. 8 years is a lot. When we first met, I thought she was pretty too but I didn't expect that we'd be on any terms past that. I get so frustrated because a lot of our bond is ruled by other people. Everytime people find out the two of us are getting close, they work overtime to sabotage it. Then it seems like she goes along with it. As if she's being blackmailed or threatened with exclusion and so on. Something is just off about it. There's also the fact that certain people have grown up and accustomed to thinking very little of me, as if it's an embarrassment or shame to be with me. It isn't. Like why would you try to influence a woman not be with a man that truly loves her, working on possibly two bachelor's degrees and has plans to save himself $500,000 -$1M in his lifetime legally. Like these people are terrible. Like they snooped on me and saw all my future plans; then schemed how to sabotage them. In part to make Stacy find me less desirable. Like some people are just evil human beings. Like I've had classmates who smile in their professor's face and then discuss about how they're going to give the professor a bad review for the heck of it. Even when they're not a bad professor. Trying to cost someone their livelihood for the heck of it. Saying how they could file complaints just to force the professor to give them an A. Then they smiling in the students face and mad at me. When I'm the nice one giving all them positive reviews. Same thing with my counseling. I was asked to give them a review of their service and gave them a fully positive review, just for them to repay me with trying to wreck my life. It's actually constant in my life. And I'm really not delusional or have my head up my behind. Just evil for no reason. That's why God exists. Anyway, people are absolutely terrible for not wanting to see Stacy with me. Then they hit me with the there's other women out there stuff.
I'm 29 in like 35 or so days. I KNOW THAT ALREADY. I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO STACY IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ALREADY. ME KNOWING THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE PLAYS A BIG FACTOR IN ME CHOOSING TO BE MARRIED TO STACY. People just don't understand me. They think I'm into Stacy because I haven't experienced other women and once I do, I'll forget about her. Okay, there are women out there besides Stacy, so let those people who feel that way take their own advice go and sleep with those other women. If they come back with some disease eventually, that's on them. If they don't, well that's good for them too. If they come back with a pregnancy they regret, so be it. If they don't, good for them. If nothing happens, good for them. Same with the females. But I don't need to be influenced to do it. And neither does Stacy. As Rishawn's brother said, quality over quantity. Which I also believe. They're always bragging about how much women they sleep with. I'd be fine having sex only with Stacy. Me and Stacy could have fun together with each other going out places. I don't think every woman who isn't Stacy is a trash woman or human being either. I will say that they just don't compare to her, FOR ME. Even the Megan situation, I'm not saying she's a trash human. I'm just saying she isn't for me. There's even a woman who dated a very famous music artist (not a local one who thinks they're famous, an actual one) who saw me walking into a club and was smiling to herself when she saw me (not a delusional story either). I still prefer Stacy though. I've been around other women, even quality women (doesn't specifically mean sexually); which is why I know what and who I want. Just like the other things in my life, where these people are trying to show me cash is better than credit; by ruining my life. As if I don't know the value of cash and credit. If I didn't I wouldn't structure my life based on that knowledge. I didn't wake up one day, see credit and think free money or think it's some magic trick to money. I woke up and thought many years ahead into my life. About what I want and who I want to spend my life with both long term. Which means even financially what I do now is not the final picture, which means the way I pay off my credit until the future. Not people actually trying to permanently ruin my credit. THESE PEOPLE ARE SO CAUGHT UP IN BEING RIGHT that they actually don't realize how MORALLY WRONG THEY ARE. They're willing to destroy my life, just to feel like they're right and I'm wrong. If that isn't toxic, I don't know what is. And it's mostly not wanting me to have something good happen for me. The biggest thing is I need to keep Stacy away from that influence. I cherish my Queen Stacy. She's her own person but I don't want her pick up their rude behavior, rude tendencies and lack of respect towards me. Just like I have respect for Stacy, I want her to have the same for me. People don't understand and maybe Stacy doesn't understand this part but Stacy is this only woman I can see myself with in my future. That means besides Stacy: I can't see myself living with a different woman, I can't see myself having a sex life with someone else, I can't see myself being part of a couple with another woman, I can't see myself in pictures with another woman and actually claiming we're a couple instead of Stacy. I got tricked into a photo that may have been used to say I was cheating on Stacy but I'm not. But basically, Stacy is the only way me. It's either that or single forever. As much as I may seem like I'm complaining about Stacy at times, it's not because I think she's horrible or bad woman to be with in actual life for me. I just don't like being distant. It makes it too easy for people to ruin us. Especially me where I'm always worried she's just going to crush my heart, even if she has no intentions to. Like right now, I think she hates me and it would be the best surprise ever to know I'm just overthinking it. I have a lot of things to make up to her/redeem myself for. Such as the whole late march, april 1st, mid april stuff. That I was saying and doing because my mental health was completely out whack and I was just constantly on edge due to people trigger me, the rumors, the people trying to make me paranoid, the stealing from me and everything. I look back and it didn't even feel like me. I'm in terrible place now but I was in much more terrible place when I was saying all that. All that dumping stuff and saying she wouldn't care if I passed away. I was in a place of agonizing mental pain. I remember when I was saying that being up all the way until 8am, unable to sleep and in pain I could actually feel mentally, tears and stuff. I usually get very sick in the winter and don't get back to my normal self until spring. The lack of sunlight, then abnormal sleeping, so it's like I'm constant darkness and it puts me in a state of hopelessness. So that might of been it. Plus the other is that my hormones may have been out of whack because in 2018, I had a special diet. That diet was interrupted by me being in the hospital and I never really properly got back into the routine. It was a very positive routine that was helping me break out the entire feeling weighing me down.
So Thanksgiving Sunday, I was planning to surprise Stacy with a re-proposal
to say that my behavior back then wasn't right, reaffirm that I do want us to be together and that I do love her and truly cherish Stacy. It unfortunately got ruined and it was right on the eve of the day I first told Stacy I love her 8 years ago. December 12/2/11 (which is why it is on my IG bio). I just couldn't wait. And you know I traveled through the freezing, snow and rainy whether to do this. It takes a lot of courage to do that. It's not like I propose to someone every day. It isn't an easy thing to do at all. Christmas is coming in basically 8 days. My father's birthday is tomorrow too, which speaking of that; I would like for my family and Stacy's family too get along. Very much. As long as they don't get along by tormenting me. She has nice parents. I think they hate me a little bit or find me annoying; but they're nice people. Anyway Christmas is coming in 8 days and Stacy's birthday. I am so lost as to what to do because I'm worried Stacy really done with me. But I hope not. I want to spend the Christmas together. I have some gift ideas; but certain gifts are not prepared and I have to save for a later. I really don't know how. And it would be awkward to surprise her with a gift if she despises me. Right now is not the time for her to disappear and expect a gift from me. Right now is the time for her to make it known to me that she actually wants to spend Christmas together as a couple and end Christmas as a couple. Either invite me to her or come to my place. Which if I had my own place, she'd always have the key to because she'd live with me. So that she knows I'm not cheating on her. I'm not really the whole big crowd, center of attention person and be a couple in front of the family guy because it makes me nervous. However, I'm willing to go along with what's important to her. That's important to me. This is the woman I want to spend my life with, stay on good terms with as well. Stacy is the woman who I want to be able to trust me enough that behind closed door she's not only willing to get naked for me (like the only thing some guys care about) but to bare her soul to me completely. I can put up with Stacy. She could even have mental illness and I'd still be there for her as long as she and people let me. I wouldn't love her less or treat her like "I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole;" I'd love her more and want to be there for her more. I don't know if she'll ever realize how much she means to me. Or maybe my actions need to reflect it better. Or maybe she needs to let me let my actions reflect it better. And people need to stop trying to keep us apart. At this point, with all the drama and probably people blackmailing her; she probably would deny me. But she shouldn't. And I'm also not playing Stacy, so I mean she has nothing to worry about. And I have no crazy-ex's or any emotional drama like that to add to her life; so I mean, she's in a good place with me. I'm going through horrible things but I'm not horrible for her. There's nobody I used to have feelings for who I'll for fall for again and do her wrong for. There's no other woman occupying my mind through the day. I wake up thinking about Stacy, go to sleep thinking about Stacy, middle of the day wondering about her.