23 and hopelessly in love....with a married man, please help

Have some faith, people! Of course she wouldn't like what she read on here, as she shouldn't. The truth hurts, usually. If she is a good person deep down, she'll to the right thing and leave this guy and never do any of this again. Send good thoughts her way... and maybe she'll find the strength to do what she knows she should do.

Look at the way she worded everything... she knows what she's doing is wrong. She needed support, and she got it. But just as it will be hard for her to ditch this creep, it would be hard to come back on here and admit her wrongdoing.

hi again
I didn't fly the coop, but thanks for thinking of me.

I suppose I've been busy, thinking alot, wanted to see what people said before I said anything again. I'm new to this whole chatboard thing I guess.

I don't suppose I expected anyone to AGREE with my situation, maybe just to understand it before they gave me their opinions....I don't mind hearing what anyone has to say, honestly, that's why I came here.

I know I must soung like a horrid person but I'm not, I just want to understand it myself. Why do people cheat? I was always vehemently opposed to anything like this, just like many of the people who responded to me.

My dad cheated on my mom, twice. I got to sit and hear them screaming about it in the next room when they thought I was sleeping. It sucked, yes. Now they are each with someone new, and I have a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful little brother and sister that my mom had with her fiance that I can't imagine life without, and so I guess things have a strange way of working themselves out. not always in the manner you would have liked, but life isn't the perfection of morality we would like it to be.

I can't see what this can lead to right now. I guess me and him are two regular people who are missing something in our relationships (i have a boyfriend of 3 years), and minutes spent just holding hands can turn around an otherwise depressing day of bullshit. SHOULD it be this way? No. SHOULDN'T he find this with his wife? and i with my boyfriend? Sure. I wish it would, it would make my life easier and less guilty. But instead we choose to have our amorous dalliances in lieu of turning upside down the rest of our lives all at once.

The concept of not wanting him to leave his family shouldn't sound strange....I'm not some homewrecking slut who wants to steal him away. If it came to stay with me or stay with your daughter I'd never ask him to come with me. I just can't find the strength right now to leave completely. Maybe when I find a new job it will be easier, because i wont see him everyday,. but that takes time, i can't snap my fingers and find a new one or quit tommorow.

So with that said, keep giving me advice, it never hurts to hear what other people have to say, thanks

Me

The problem is we understand it fully. There is no way to agree with this relationship you have with your boss. You are not "regular" people. You are adulterers and cheaters. What is missing from your part is your ability to remove yourself from this situation. You prefer to let this fester and linger rather than stop. You still haven't taken responsibility for this situation.

She's just caught up in it all, c.i.


Remember, she's only 23. I couldn't remove myself from complicated emotional situations when I was that age either. (Wish I could've!)

I don't think you're a "horrid person", IWishIKnew. Like I said before, I think you're a normal person who has made some bad choices.

The thing is, we're not in your situation, so we see things more objectively. We CAN see what this can lead to...and we see pain, guilt and loss in your future. We hope you will cut your losses and get out of this before anything more damaging occurs.

Eva, You're right! We must go by our personal experience. Mine was rather tame, and would never have considered a relationship with a married woman. I've never been there, so I wouldn't know.

I'm sure you've saved yourself a lot of heartache by not going there, c.i. As for me, I was locked into an emotionally abusive marriage at the age of 23 and couldn't find a way out. (Found it at 24, tho'!) My God, I wouldn't want to be that age again. Nothing seemed solid.

Well, I have gone there, and as I've mentioned before am not sorry. That was a one time thing in many years as a single woman but not without value to me now.

I would ask that we all talk to each poster as individuals with particular choices.

From one pathetic "In love with a married man" person to another, please feel free to email me at [email protected] if you want to work through anything

I'd like to second this. Young or not, emotionally stable or not... its wrong.

One thing I have to mention.... he says his daughter is very important to him. So why does he risk losing her by bringing another woman to his marital bed?

Sure, all humans make mistakes sometimes, but this particular mistake goes against his life's goals... or his stated life's goals. If he really loved his daughter as he says, he would not have risked losing her this way, period.

His actions deny the truth of his words.

Keep this in mind, since some of his other actions may well deny the truth of some of his other words. The particular words I have in mind are "I love you," or even, "I care about what happens to you." He will likely deny these words with his actions in the future.

If you can't leave, at least realize that this person is very likely to hurt you badly in the near future, and try to put up some defenses against that in the meantime.

Ignore what he says, and watch what he does... therein lies the truth of his feelings.

The same goes for you: If your actions don't match what you say, either your words or your actions should change. Frankly, I think your saying you don't want to break up his marriage denies your actions... you ARE breaking up his marriage by seeing him romantically.

Like it or not, you'll have to resolve this difference in your actions & your words by yourself. It won't be easy, but it is do-able. You're not a bad person, at all. But you have made some mistakes... we know this because we see how your words and your actions don't "match."

BTW, matching peoples' words and actions is a very handy way to detect problems in any relationship. It may come in handy in your future.

Please keep posting so we know how you're doing, OK? I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

Boris !!!!!!

Have been thinking alot about you and hoping you are finding time for you.

Great to see you!

Hi Brooke!

Things are going WELL... except for that one day a week ago when EVERYONE was hysterically crying all day. I limped through it with a lot of help from other advocates, who were really there for me (thank goodness!)

I LIKE IT! OMG, I like it!

(Sorry, return to previous thread now....)

:-)

Oh, I never got back to the hot state/ cold state thing. (Not anything too profound, hope I didn't get expectations up, just was taking a while:)



http://www.matr.net/article-7954.html

There was also something since then about brain scans and how the brains looked totally different, haven't found that yet.

Anyway, my point -- the whole good person/ bad person thing is a little moot, to me. There were a series of bad decisions made, and I hold that against both of you (especially now that I know you have a boyfriend, IWIK -- I've never bought the stuff about the "other woman" being as guilty [or even more guilty, sometimes] than the man who strays, but if YOU'RE straying, too...) The party ended early/ hey let's get some beers thing is the single dumbest and most culpable step, IMO -- there had obviously been some simmering attraction, you're boss and employee, it's too risky and was just plain a dumb decision all around, for both of you.

But once it happened, everything got to hot state, and the ball is rolling.

My point there is that in a cold state, your paramour might say "I'd never cheat on my wife!" and mean it. You guys let it get to a hot state.

Everything is rigged to keep it in a hot state -- the illicit aspect, worries about being found out, limited time, etc.

I don't buy the stuff about there being something lacking in your respective relationships, necessarily. I really, really love my husband and am glad to be with him, but that doesn't mean I am never attracted to anyone else. What I do is make sure I never get myself in a situation where something COULD happen -- if things seem to be getting hot, I absent myself posthaste.

My advice is, accept that it was a hot state thing, step back, deal with current relationships -- stay or go? -- and move on, with or without current partners, but probably not with each other.

That makes so much sense, soz, that I can think of absolutely nothing else to say.

The only thing I can think of to add... this "hot state" is more than half the fun of illicit relationships.

IWishIKnew, can you visualize what life with him would be like if you were in a "cold state?" Probably not nearly as interesting or fun.

Long-term relationships consist of a lot of ordinary, even boring things which you do together, like laundry and grocery shopping, over and over again. Affairs lack all of these things, and in that way they're artificial, not a good picture of what life with a partner is really like.

Soz is so smart! (BTW Soz, I'm still smiling about your story about "Beary" on the "What Made You Smile Today?" thread. Geez that was cute!)

Soz has said it beautifully.

IWIK--

I missed your last post.

Whatever happens in the romance department, getting a new job is an excellent idea. I'm very cheered to hear that you're seriously looking for a romance-free office. You are showing good sense.

Soz' hot and cold states says it well. Hot can go from warm to burning and hang at at least moderate for quite a while, and unavailability does enhance this.

I've been there, once upon a time, more than thirty years ago, and have no excuses re chronically ill wife, or other such things, which can, to me, make this kind of relationship not a target for perjorative. Worse, I am unrepentant. At the same time, let me add that I shunned another number of those situations, and am glad I did as I should.

However you come down on the ethics of living life, the extramarital foray has some pretty routine aspects, including enhanced lust. Much has been written about this, in short stories, novels, screenplays, poetry.

That lust is hard for the newly adult to walk away from, unless they chant rules to themselves. A course in human observation can add backup to paying attention to those rules, or mores.

My couple of pennies...
Dear IWishIKnew and All,

The following comes from a fairly fresh experience...

This March I had a one night affair with a married friend (whom I have known for 9 years, but had lost touch with for a while). I have posted a brief summary of my story on one of the other "Married Man" threads, I will try to paste it at the bottom of this note. Furthermore, I am still obsessing over him, which was why I found this forum. So.... I realize and understand quite deeply, how difficult it can be to tear yourself away from this situation (especially since you work with the man daily).

Here is what helped me overcome the temptation to become his mistress (and really how "far" you have gone in the bedroom - actual sex or not, is irrelevant here):

Moral and Ethical Reasons
--------------------------
1. I imagined myself in his wife's shoes.
2. I pictured his little son's face (I have never seem him, but have seen pictures).

Practical Reasons
-----------------
1. I made a mental list of what could possibly be gained and lost through becoming his mistress (here is what I could think of at the time):
Gains
-------
a. Amazing Sex
b. Inspiration (I will explain this later, if you are interested)
c. Physical and intellectual fulfillment with the same person
(this is usually nearly impossible for me, again, I can
explain later)

Losses
-------
a. Self-respect
b. My clear conscience
c. Emotional stability (being a mistress does not seem like
a good position emotionally)
d. A chance at happiness with someone whom I may meet
who IS available for more than just an affair (even though
I am realistically not able to get into a relationship right
now, too busy, plus only 2 years fresh out of a divorce)
e. My belief in the fundamental goodness of my own self and
of humanity in general
f. The respect of my two children if they ever found out
(albeit, they are too young now - aged 7 and 3, but
they will grow up soon enough, and I always want to be
a great role model for them) (I realize that this does not
apply to you

Emotional/Personal Reasons
----------------------------
(People have already touched on the fact that you are doomed to be heartbroken)
1. No future (equally bleak whether he leaves his wife or not)
2. No faith in the stability of a relationship with him (at least for me, but I realize that I am a bit older (31) and have already been married and divorced, so you may not understand this point fully, if you need more details on this, I can try to explain later)
3. Not wanting to be an "enabler" or a "crutch" - he tried to tell me how his marriage lacked passion and all I could think of was: "If it sucks, get out of it - for yourself, don't make me the reason for leaving and don't use me as some little fix." (My perspective is tempered by the fact that I had to make a decision to get divorced two years ago. I believe(d) that if you have given a marriage all of yourself and have made a real effort to make it work, yet it has failed despite all your hard work, then you must have the courage to accept your defeat and leave the "battlefield", rather than go on unhappily and find some outside interest to feed your emotional and physical needs, which will erode even the most "golden" people over time.)
4. Not wanting to reduce my friend and the object of my tender desire to a two-timing weasel who cheats on his wife. Part of the reason I desire him is the fact that I hold him in high regard, we were good friends once and he is a talented and wonderful person on many levels. I did not want to destroy this image of him (reflected within my own mind).

So.... it was just one night of passion and I will not allow it to happen again... Like ossobuco has said, I do not regret it - in all honesty, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my private life, but I will not repeat it.

However, I realize how difficult it can be to stop having thoughts and feelings for the person... That is where I am right now - thinking of him far more often than I should, searching for him in every man I meet, etc. That's the reason I had found this forum... looking for insight on how to overcome this longing... (and I would like to thank all who have given my problem some thought and input)... But I think it is better to be longing for someone else than to lose yourself...

I hope you find this helpful... and I apologize for the length of this post (looks like I had verbal diarrhea... sorry )

Vixen, Your post was well written, and no apology is needed. It gives others in a similar situation a valid list to work from, and on that basis is a benefit to those who learn from it. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I think your opinion has more value than somebody without.