Brooke predicted:
Quote:Holidays - He spends them all with his family. His wife and his child. While you only wish for the opportunity.
I find it interesting that this query was posted on the afternoon of Father's Day.
Eleven years have gone by and she still doesn't have a Daddy on Father's Day.
Oh, wow.
IWishIKnew, you've really gotten yourself into a difficult situation here, haven't you. I'm afraid you are both so emotionally involved that you're not thinking clearly.
I don't think that either of you are necessarily bad people, but you have certainly made some bad choices.
His bad choices:
1. Flirting with an employee he hired (power issues)
2. Going out drinking with an attractive employee alone after an office function (inappropriate: too intimate)
3. Telling you about his private marital troubles (inappropriate: you are not a therapist)
4. Thinking about it, then deciding to kiss you (poor impulse control)
5. Cuddling and kissing someone who is not his wife on multiple occasions (repeated violation of marriage vows)
6. Inviting you to lie down on the bed he shares with his wife (tacky, tacky, tacky!)
7. Covering about your hairs left on the bed (outright lying to his wife...he SHOULD feel guilty!)
8. Meeting up with you after hours to continue a relationship (continued lying, covering, etc.)
Your bad choices:
1. Flirting with a married man (lack of respect for his marriage)
2. Flirting with your boss (could easily get you fired)
3. Repeatedly allowing/encouraging him to violate his marriage vows
4. Continuing a relationship that you've been told plainly will only lead to pain (he "asked me why i was bothering with this situation, something that could only end horribly"...a moment of clarity from him, I think)
You may not have had sex yet, but you are deeply involved in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. And that kind of affair is more serious than many that are simply physical. You are playing with dynamite here, and someone is going to get hurt.
No, I don't think anyone has an obligation to stay with someone they don't love for the rest of their life. However, once someone has taken marriage vows, they DO have the obligation to work on the relationship when it hits rough spots. Even more so when there are children involved. By spending his emotional energy on your affair, he is diverting his energy from the two people to whom he has made a lifetime commitment: his wife and his child. This cannot possibly help his marriage, and it shows very poor judgment. The fact that you are his employee makes it doubly bad judgment.
He may or not be a "player," but he's using all the classic moves of one. I'd be very suspicious, if I were you. And I'd back away from this before you get yourself in so deep that you can't get out. You could lose your job, your heart and your self-respect over this one. And we'd hate to see that happen to you.
Please think about what we've said.
Actually osso .....I don't think she's innocent at all. But I do think she's acting blind-sighted. She's believing everything he tells her. Not that - that makes her part in this any better.
In all truthfullness....... if she weren't giving him a body to hold ... he'd either have to hold his wife exclusively, or find someone else to play his little game. Therefore she is just as guilty as he is.
And if I were the wife of her lover ....... I'd be all over her ass, and then I'd dump his.
jbb, A new mother with a cheating husband has a tough choice to make. If she had the moral and financial support, I would agree that she should dump this creep today. Most wives probably can figure out that their husbands are cheating - sooner or later, but not always. A tough decision for a young mother.
There has been some interesting research on "hot states" vs. "cold states", and how our brains are plain different in those two states. "Hot states" isn't about being, well, hot, though that is one hot state. (Others would be fear, grief, etc.)
Cold state is pretty much baseline, not much going on.
People in a cold state are reliably wrong in their predictions of what they would do in a hot state. The hot state brain and the cold state brain are too different, even for the same person.
I started to get into why I brought that up but I need to go and the explanation is going too slowly. But rather than deleting the whole thing I'll just stop and post what I have so far, then come back to it.
Er, I remember hot state pretty well. There is even then an override, methinks. Trouble is sometimes we override the override, and then override that.
hah, I could speak to this at length, in my neo old age.
Your breaking up a marraige. Stop.
And don't say you have no intention of doing so, because your a good person. A good person would say no.
Bottom line is your either not a strong enough person to say no, or you just don't care enough about the harm your doing.
And always remember, if you can steal him, he can be stolen from you.
Re: i know i know
IWishIKnew wrote:
Does everyone here think that because a person cheats once that it makes them a horrible person? I'm just curious.
I suppose it doesn't. I know so many people (who seem nice enough to me) and they are cheating on their spouses. I dont knnow why they do it...
IWishIKnew wrote:
What is a person to do if they are married, even have kids, and realize that their spouse is not the person they are happy to grow old with? Should they stay ?
Not necessary, but he got to be fair to her. And your boss isnt being fair to his wife.
IWishIknew, if you have any self-respect and "goodness", you will not be able to put up with this relationship for long. The lies, the guilt, and the deceit will start gnawing at you. Both my parents were always cheating on each other. It's so very ugly. A relationship for which u always have to lie - is very ugly. You can't watch even a movie together - because people will see you. And you dont want to "spoil" his marriage. What if his daughter sees you two together...you will date in fear. Please dont do it. Sorry, I didnt mean this post to become so long. I'd like to believe that you are "nice" as you say - so please discontinue. It will only give you heartache.
I think the bird has flown.
I like Eva's list best; cons from both sides of this relationship. All losers.
What makes you so special you think he won't cheat on you?
This guy is a loser and if you stay with him, so are you.
mikey5time wrote:
A good person would say no.
Exactly. Remember you reap what you sow.
But she's in love! HOGWASH!
This fine man did ask you why you are putting yourself in such a situation. What was your answer? Find another job, another hot man, who is single. You may become addicted to this sort of arrangement, this sort of sex.
You asked some of us who know.
Hopefully, she has flown far away from him.
I really think she flew the coop (this thread), because she didn't like what she heard. She got zilch support, so she flew away. No food, no water.
Probally.
There isnt any support for men who cheat, or women who allow them to cheat in this forum.
We're not exactly the norm for the internet, are we?!
Good for us.
