23 and hopelessly in love....with a married man, please help

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So confused....I guess I just need someone's advice, because sitting around thinking all day about this situation is going to drive me crazy. Im sorry in advance, but this may take a couple minutes to read....

I'm 23, just graduated college a year ago, now working , and this is where I met josh (real names altered to protect the innocent :-) ). Josh is 30, cute, charming, intelligent, funny, wonderful and was the one who hired me for my present job. He is my boss. And, he has been married for 3 years. He also has a 2 year old daughter. When he first hired me , i thought he was attractive, but when I found out he was married I pushed it aside as no more than an attraction without any possibilities, for the obvious reasons. We had some minor flirtation here and there over the months, and I thought I used to catch him staring at me during meetings, but didn't pay it any mind because, again, he's married, so I thought of course there is no interest.

Then one evening we had an office party of sorts, and everyone else went home, and it was just me and him so we went to go have a beer because it was still early. We chatted and had a great time, and flirted alot, we talked about our relationships and he said his wife was a great person, and a wonderful mother, that there just wasn't any "spark" between them anymore. and i told him somewhere in the conversation "I wish I could do something right now, but it would probably get me in trouble." I guess he read my mind, because he looked to the side as if decided if he should do it or not, and then just kissed me. We spent the rest of the evening cuddling and kissing in my car until I drove him home. We hooked up a couple more times (not sex, just everything else, because I was convinced he would change his mind abotu the situation any minute). One of the times I guess I left a few strands of my hair on his bed and his wife found them. He came up with some excuse that she bought for the time being, but it freaked him out and so our situation was put on hold, because he said he felt guilty and was deathly afraid of losing his daughter, who is the most important thing in the world to him.

A couple of weeks later, after increasing flirtation at work, we met up in the evening to have a talk, and i couldnt contain myself. I kissed him and he responded right away. Now fast forward two more weeks to last night.

We went to a baseball game last night, and the whole night he held my hand, kissed me, stroked my hair. It's like every touch is electric between us, I can barely stand it. On the way home (i guess a few beers makes people want to talk more) he held my face and kissed me and asked me why i was bothering with this situation, something that could only end horribly. That I was so beautiful and smart and funny and wonderful and deserved someone who wasn't married and had a child, because he couldnt leave right now because he was afraid of losing access to his daughter. I tolld him I didn't want him to leave his family, and that I didn't want a relationship with anyone right now at this point in my life, and that the few times I got to see him and be with him made me euphoric and that was all I wanted right now. And I guess that answer satiated him for the time being, and for the moment we've agreed to keep our affair going, but I don't know what to do.

I can feel myself falling in love with him and cannot make myself leave. I am looking for another job but it takes time, and so in the meantime I have to see him everyday and I can't make myself end it.

It feels as though him and his wife are friends who happened to get pregnant at one time, got married, and now live in a situation that is missing that spark, but as I've mentioned before, his daughter means the world to him and he doesn't want to lose her.

I don't know what to do. Is it possible for two people who were meant to be together, to meet at just the wrong time, 3 or 4 years too late? I know I am only 23, and I will hear that alot in responses to this, but I have enough experience to be able to differentiate between a lusty fling and the real thing. We haven't even had sex yet, because everytime we manage to steal away some time it's late at night or whatever (like after the baseball game) and he doesn't want to rush anything with me, he says when we do he wants to make it perfect and not rush because I'm worth more than that. He seems as confused about this situation as me. I know he has never cheated on his wife before, so this is all new to him too.

I apologize that this is so lengthy, but I needed to get this out before I exploded. I hope someone takes the time to give some advice, because I am surely in need of it.

thanks alot

confused in NY

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Oh, dear.

Quote:

I don't know what to do. Is it possible for two people who were meant to be together, to meet at just the wrong time, 3 or 4 years too late? I know I am only 23, and I will hear that alot in responses to this, but I have enough experience to be able to differentiate between a lusty fling and the real thing. We haven't even had sex yet, because everytime we manage to steal away some time it's late at night or whatever (like after the baseball game) and he doesn't want to rush anything with me, he says when we do he wants to make it perfect and not rush because I'm worth more than that. He seems as confused about this situation as me. I know he has never cheated on his wife before, so this is all new to him too.

You are madly in love with a guy who never cheated on his wife before, who is so unsophisticated in deceit that he takes you to his home for a make-out session in the marital bed?

He may have a romantic aura, but his actions are incredibly tacky.

If his daughter is so important to him, why is he risking his marriage for a mad fling? His daughter is the most important person in the world to him?

No. He is the most important person in his world. You are headed for heartbreak.

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If he does this to his present wife with a child, how do you think he's going to treat you if he ends up with you? Can you live with 1) the guilt you took away that child's father, and 2) he'll remain faithful to you? That's two strikes, you can think of the third.

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i know i know
I know, he doesn't know what he's doing, make out session on their bed probably wasn't the smartest idea, but this isn't somethhing he's ever done before! (or me for that matter)

I guess he's not a "slick player", he's just a guy who's confused about why he feels this way about someone not his wife....*sigh*

His daughter is most important to him, I know that, or he would have left his wife already. And I don't want him to leave his family...I guess that's why I feel so confused.

My parents split up when I was 12, partly because of another woman. Both my parents are now with people far better suited to each of them and much happier. Me and my sisters still have a relationship with our dad. Of course it wasnt easy for a while, but I guess life isn't always meant to fall into place in a perfect and happy way....

Does everyone here think that because a person cheats once that it makes them a horrible person? I'm just curious. What is a person to do if they are married, even have kids, and realize that their spouse is not the person they are happy to grow old with? Should they stay ?

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Quote:

And, he has been married for 3 years. He also has a 2 year old daughter.

Many couples go through some rough spots after a child is born. All of a sudden, the hot young thing that the guy married becomes the mother of his child, and there is a shift in perception. Mom is tired from childcare, and dad is missing the sexual excitement.

So he hooks up with another hot young thing who happens to conveniently work in his office. Just passion, lust, and no responsibility. Of course, the entire idea of it is seductive to the man.

There are one of a couple of scenarios going on here. I am concerned that he took you into his marital bed. Not nice. Either he is a player-in-training, or just terribly confused. Either option is not good for you, as far as I am concerned.

If I were you, I would look for another job, and let him work through his marital problems, with his WIFE.

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And then there is that - he is your boss. Many companies have rules against such a relationship, as it tends to involve an abuse of power.

Your willingness to go to his home and marital bed - probably exciting for you, if thoughtless of the marriage - is a tremendous discourtesy to his wife. His willingness to bring you there points to a complete vacuum in his heart.

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Quote:

know, he doesn't know what he's doing, make out session on their bed probably wasn't the smartest idea, but this isn't somethhing he's ever done before! (or me for that matter)

Probably wasn't the smartest idea?

IwishIknew--

How would you like to be the one to wash the sheets after your married lover made love to his wife? He's "out of love" with his wife, but feels perfectly free to make her his chambermaid?

Not the smartest idea!

Disgusting.

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Re: i know i know

IWishIKnew wrote:

make out session on their bed probably wasn't the smartest idea, but this isn't somethhing he's ever done before!

so he says....

IWishIKnew wrote:

I guess he's not a "slick player",

A 'player' is a cheater. He is cheating with YOU on his WIFE.

IWishIKnew wrote:

His daughter is most important to him, I know that, or he would have left his wife already.

How important his daughter is to him wouldnt play a big role in his love for his wife if his marriage was truly awful.
In fact, if it was an awful marriage, and divorce was the only option between them, he would LEAVE his wife so as to not subject his daughter to thier anger/problems/ frustrations etc.

IWishIKnew wrote:

My parents split up when I was 12, partly because of another woman.

you saw first hand how bad that was for them, and how it felt for you.
Dont be that ' other woman' .

IWishIKnew wrote:

What is a person to do if they are married, even have kids, and realize that their spouse is not the person they are happy to grow old with? Should they stay ?

They would deal with thier problems first before jumping into bed with someone else. Out of respect for a 'new' woman, a man would resolve his current relationship FIRST and make that a priority before begining a new relationship.
Sorry, but from what you describe , he sounds like a cheater who LOVES the game of it and nothing else.
But, I dont know him. That is just my opinion.

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Lets look at it from the mind of Mr "I'm so confused."

He has a co-worker come on to him, not once but twice. He doesn't have to say "no" or initiate it. He gets the thrill of being wanted and has someone to emotionally connect with. Yet at the same time he can put her off sexually by telling her he wants it to be "perfect." So he gets all the thrill of a new relationship but never "cheated" because he hasn't had sex.

The only thing he seems confused about is what "cheating" is.

I have no idea how you could accidently end up in his bed at his house. There had to be planning involved for that to happen. Quite the little thrill for him there. I wonder if he was thinking about his daughter and wife at that point.

He isn't quite that devoted to his daughter if he is willing to spend time with you late at night and take you to ballgames. This is a game that he probably didn't intend to start but he was willing to jump in with both feet. There are only 2 outcomes for it. He (or you) comes to his senses and this ends or it continues on and gets ugly.

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Oh, he's a cheater to his wife and baby. No doubt about that! When trust is gone, I'm not sure what else he offers.

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oh boy
OK, I can see everyone is focusing on the part about me and him on his "marital bed", and everyone seems to think we had sex and left it there for the wife to change the sheets but let me clarify:

I went over there to get him to sign something, as I work in a medical inpatient facility of sorts, and he was off that day, but there was an emergency and something needed his signature, and he lives by the office so my other boss asked me to go there to get him to sign something.

He suggested to go lay on the bed for a few minutes, which I thought wasn't a smart idea, but I did anyway, and we didn't have sex, or anything close to that, we just lay there and talked and kissed a few times, and i have really long hair and a few strands fell on the bed when I got up i guess.

I realize this is not acceptable either, but I would never actually SLEEP with him in his apartment and neither would he. It was just a stupid, too excited over a new thing (we had kissed the first time the night before, that's when it all started) move.

He isn't a bad person, I know it's hard to believe. In this society when someone does something dishonest it makes them a bad person overall in everyone's eyes, but it just isn't true. Before all this I looked down on people who cheated, my own dad cheated, I hated the concept, couldn't understand it, said I would never do it, said I would never hook up with a married man, ESPECIALLY one with a child, but situations are often different when they present themselves to you in real life. Am I a bad person? I don't think so. I do plenty of things in my life that would have others label me a good person and so would he. I told him countless times that I would never expect him to leave his family and he knows I mean it. I never would.

I do appreciate everyone giving me their opinions, and please continue to do so, I just wanted to clarify that one part because everyone seems to think I had sex with him there on his and his wife's bed.

thats all, thanks for the opinions, i greatly appreciate them

Me.

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Are you sure that this guy doesn't remind you of your daddy--who really, really loved his baby girl but broke up the marriage anyway?

Meanwhile, however you excuse this guy, he's not coming across like an honorable man.

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Sex has many levels.
Bed lays count.

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You are on working hours and show up to have him sign some papers then he suggests you have a lie down on the bed and you didn't show any signs of fainting or illness?

Hmm.... let me think about that one....

Nope, I can only come up with one reason based on the fact that you had kissed the night before and I wouldn't consider it "honest" in an old fashioned sense. I doubt the bed was the only piece of furniture in the place. Talking is so much easier sitting at chairs so you can see each other. He wanted an idea about how far this could go. You showed him. You knew it was a bad idea but did it anyway.

Now you are asking if you should continue the relationship. You know it is a bad idea but you probably will continue it anyway. No one here can keep you from making bad choices.

If he is as great as you think he is he will probably end up hating you for taking his daughter away. If he isn't that great then you get what you deserve.

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Lets say things worked out... he leaves his wife and actually goes as far as marrying you... do you think he would be faithful???

Things can only get ugly from here.

Cut it off!!! now

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Re: oh boy

IWishIKnew wrote:

I told him countless times that I would never expect him to leave his family and he knows I mean it. I never would.

So then what is the point of the relationship?
How this translates to him:
is that it isok to cheat with your wife. Dont try to fix anything, just come to me when you want me and things will be ok.
How this translates to his wife :
I dont respect you as a woman enough to give you a chance to work on your marriage with out me being a key part , even though you do not know me.
How this translates to his child :
Your Daddy and momma are not important to me. I just wanted your daddy and your mommy was in the way. Now I want your daddy , no matter how it hurts your mommy.

Step back.
If his relationship with his wife is truly headed down hill, it will slide down hill with out you riding on top of it. If he is ment to be with you... meet him afterwords. Save your sanity, heart, and time.

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Most men that cheat on thier wives have no intention of ever leaving them. And most men that cheat on their wifes will lie to the other woman - in order to make himself look good. It's his way of justifying it.

How do you feel - knowing that while you lay alone in your bed at night....his warm body is lying up against the woman he just made love to? If he tells you that they don't have sex anymore. He's probably lying about that too. After all - you keep him turned on. He has to have an outlet for that somewhere. :wink:

Holidays - He spends them all with his family. His wife and his child. While you only wish for the opportunity.

How do you think you would feel if you were married to him and he was cheating on you? And cheating against your child? Confused

Are you prepared to face his wife if she ever finds out? It probably won't be pretty. And tis very doubtful that you will get any support from your lover. He will be too busy kissing the ass that he just cheated on.

What kind of a man does this? Is he a terrible person? Does he lack morals? Is he so selfish that he needs two women? One that he plans on being with forever......and one that is simply a pleasant distraction?

Look in the mirror. Does the person looking back at you, deserve any less than the true love of a man? A man that respects her enough to work through the bad times - without turning to another woman?

Best of Luck.

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I'm having difficulty, but I'm sure there is a name for such a person.

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Not all of us are just dumping unthoughtfully on you and your fellow - I who sound like I am, and effectively am dumping, have had a relationship with a married man and don't - even now - dozens of years later, apologize, except to his wife. But not to all naysayers.

It has been true for millennia that the impossible is exquisitly attractive.

Mostly it is a crock of **** for one of the parties, usually the woman.

From me, get your ass out of there and get some perspective.

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I guess I differ with Brooke in that IWishIKnew is not to me the innocent party here.

Innocence not really being the relevent question. A tremendous lack of perspective on the part of both.

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23 and hopelessly in love....with a married man, please help

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