Help! Somebody talk me out of it!

Buffalo's worse. Not by much, but definitely worse. I think they even have a chapter of that idiotic Polar Bear Club there, with those morons who jump in the frigid lake in the middle of january. Not very bright people.

On your way up to Rochester stop by for a visit (I'm in Ulster County) - I'll give you a free Tarot card reading in my little witchy cottage.

Hey, thanks!

Hey kicky - we have those polar bears here in Boston.

I don't think you compare Rochester to Buffalo besides the snow. Rochester is a beautiful small college town. It is really a nice community, but may be too quiet for Kicky especially after New York City. My friends that lived said the winter really s*cks - you get all the lake effect snow and get dumped on.

Another idea. Ask to work part-time. If you're still not sure about quitting, accept a "no." If you're sure, say "part-time or I'm out of here."

I do like the idea of you easing from one thing to another rather than just completely jumping ship, though that's more romantic. What are you going to do about health insurance? (You may have to work 51% time or whatever to keep it.) I worry that you have a false sense of security about freelance, that it's changed since you were last doing it or that you have less tolerance for things you used to be able to put up with or SOMETHING.

(Tell me to shut up anytime, I'll keep tossing advice your way until then.)

Health insurance, a good point there.

I'm sure for doing something, Kicky. You have a bit of a financial cushion, you can always go back to Rochester (I am guessing), and you are not, ahem, getting younger. With freelance, it seems to me you have more control. Can, for example, work your buns off for bits at a time, and take... more vacations. And, I assume you'd be less 'stuck' in a negative project.

On the other hand, once you get on your own again, it's hard to re-submit to a very stultifying work culture.

But, on the other hand again, there's the other bit, that people often don't want to hire older people, and 'older' starts fairly early to me. If you decide to stay at a place for work security, after, say, age 45, you sure don't want it to be this one.....

Thanks guys.

Soz, you are one of the most level-headed, great-advice-giving people I know--I would never tell you to shutup. In fact, DON'T EVER SHUTUP, PLEASE! You should have your own advice column, you're so good at it.

But...I don't think I have a false sense of security...I think I have no sense of security at all, which is the only reason I'm not jumping ship right now. As for not being able to tolerate things I used to...maybe. Health insurance? I will be covered by COBRA-for six months, I believe. After that, who knows?

Although I really REALLY hate the thought of having to come back here at all, EVER, maybe that part-time idea is worth considering. I'll think about that.

Osso, thanks. You make alot of sense too. I still feel like I am being pulled in every direction at once about this, but thanks for your help.

If I only had some goddam sense of direction or purpose, instead of being such an indecisive f*ckup, maybe this wouldn't be so f*cking hard. I think I need to scream. Or a drink. Yeah, that's the ticket. A drink. I'm going to get a drink right now.

I was also a bit of a lost soul when I left Manhattan - Big bucks job I hated, stagnant love life, great apartment but no lease and a landlady that kept telling me her relatives from Poland might be coming and I would have to leave. So I walked away from it all and 15 years later I couldn't be happier.

For what you would pay for 9x12 dungeon in Manhattan you can buy a three bedroom house for in Rochester. I was looking at co-ops before I left the city, and what I would have paid for a tiny one bedroom in Brooklyn got me a farmhouse, pond, barns and five acres upstate. I also met a wonderful guy who also left the urban life without a sense of where he was going either. We found a new path together. Sometimes big change is good.

I guess I just like to think it will work out just as well for you Kicky. Hey- Manhattan isn't going anywhere, you can always go back (unless your apartment is rent controlled). I rarely go back now and I don't miss it. I loved NYC as much as it could be loved, but now I have other priorities. Maybe it's an age thing.

The nice thing about COBRA is that you can use it retroactively. In other words, you do not have to sign up for it right away. For example, say you don't sign up for it and walk in front of a bus and need to be hospitalized. You simply sign up for COBRA after the fact. There may be some sort of time limit though, but HR will be more than happy to give you the details.

The skinny on COBRA, as I understand it, is that it covers you for up to 18 months but you have to take over the payment of the full premium the company had been making on your behalf. If you sign up for it retroactively you have to pay the full monthly premiums from the time you quit (the month following, because the final month was already paid) to the time when you want your coverage to begin and then continue with the premiums from that point. The monthly premiums can be anywhere from $300 to $700 or more, depending on the plan/coverage.

Kicky, if there's nothing keeping you in this job then quit. If you're able to pick up a couple freelance jobs over the summer, then do so. Leaving a gap of a few months in your work history isn't the greatest idea for when you start looking for another job. If you fill in the bigger gap with a few short term projects then you wont be shooting yourself in the foot.

Rochester isn't Buffalo (the armpit of the nation), but it's not Florida or NYC either. Having lived most of my life in northern New England and then moving 'south' to Chicago, there is no way in hell I could ever live through those winters again. If your choices are A) stay in NY and freelance, B) move to Rochester and freeze you a$$ off, or C) go back to Florida, I would suggest A or C over B anytime.

I know you've figured out what you don't want to do. I'm not sure you've got a handle on what you DO want to do. Staying in a job that makes you miserable isn't necessary, particularly if you have some short term options. You can quit your job, take some time off this summer, pick up a few projects, figure out what you want to do and take up to 18 months to get another job with insurance so that you don't lose your insurability under a group plan (important if you get a serious illness all of a sudden).

Sleep on it, talk to your mom, talk to your friends in Rochester, FL and NY. You don't have to be miserable.

I love this. Because, I said the exact same thing, just the other day. I have this situation in my life right now, and I said, "maybe I should call my mother and ask what she thinks." Of course, she's not going to have any better idea than I would as far as what to do about it -- in fact, she'll probably give me bad advice -- but I still felt compelled to call her.

Oh, why do we do that? I suppose we're still trying to please Mom. Like when we were kids, and we picked a big bunch of dandelions thinking, "she'll love these pretty flowers. And Mom smiled and said, "thank you, they're so pretty." Even though the damn things were full of pollen and made her sneeze! All the things poor Mom has had to put up with from us! So we still want to please her.

I guess there's a trust factor there too. No one loves us like Mom does, we know she's on our side -- so we think she'll somehow have the answer, she'll know what we should do.

But the fact is, there are just some decisions we have to make for ourselves.

Sounds like you've had some good suggestions from some very smart people on this thread. Don't think I can really add anything.

The fact is, these kind of decisions are just really tough, there's no easy way to resolve them. It really has nothing to do with being an "indecisive f*ck up." It's just tough -- for anybody -- to decide what to do. Unfortunately, when you're at a crossroads like this -- there's no big sign with an arrow pointing down one path -- and the words "RIGHT ANSWER" flashing on and off like a neon sign.

Truth is, there's no one answer that is totally 100% the right one. You have some options -- and each of them have their pros and cons. The thing is -- only you can decide which is the best, which is the one that you can live with. Only you know what you need as far as income, benefits, job satisfation, etc.

So, I think you just need to spend some time this weekend -- alone -- and sort out your thoughts and feelings. You need to have a talk with yourself -- out loud if that helps -- and ---- for one brief moment --- even though it's hard ----- just put aside what your parents, siblings and friends think. Just forget what they would say, or what they think you should do. I know that's really hard. But just for a minute. Forget them. Never mind what they think. Just for a moment.

And just ask yourself......what do you think? What do need from your next job situation (money, benefits, job satisfaction) I'm betting that there is no option that is going to meet all of your needs 100%. So you have to think about what the best option is, which is the one that comes closest to what you want and need. Which one can you live with? Only you can really answer that question. Once you've decided, follow through with it. That way, whether it works out or not, you'll know that -- at the very least -- it was the decision that you made.

Someone once said to me, "if you're not sure what the right decision is -- then you just have to make a decision -- and then -- make it right!"

So whatever you decide, you have to give your all to it and try your best to make it work.

It's really all any of us can do.

I do remember that in my varied career life of some very long term jobs and a few shorties, that I tended to attract enthusiasm for my competence when I was still in a job. Thus in college I did one thing, take xrays of patients coming into a hospital, and then was asked to compile a survey on the effectiveness of that, and then that job closed since the survey showed it was useless in detecting tb, and I was shunted upstairs to the office where I became a cashier (me?) and admitting clerk and then the reservations clerk, where a primo md asked me to assist in his office, and I did, yack, all of those, not quitting one to go to the other, as my parents had no income for months at a time.

Later, after I grew in age and grace, I had a fellow who was starting a lab recruit me when I was a head tech in another lab.

Then when I was starting in the land arch world, and had relievedly quit my then hated lab job, I almost instantly ran into recessions and, gag, layoffs.

I crawled through the LA phone books calling something like 80 firms and talked to several principles, since mostly they were at that point answering their own phones. Finally got a part time job with one, stayed nine years as project manager, after the beginning part time weeks. I was in my early forties, and still going to school at night.

What the hell. Go for just getting out, one thing at a time.
I didn't know what I was interested in, sometimes, until I had been exposed to new things to do.

Just be sure to secure insurance.

I am going to quit soon. I'm thinking I'm going to wait a couple weeks though. I have a vacation scheduled for the first week in July, so I figure why not stay and use up the vacation, since they have some strange way of comensating you for vacation time if you leave...somehow you don't get paid for all of it, only some percentage or something...anyway, I think I'm going to use that week to hopefully solidify my plan (or at least come up with one), and then when I come back, I should be ready to put in my two-week notice (I hope).

When I came to NYC seven years ago, I just quit my job and moved. Simple. I didn't know what I was going to do, where I was going to live, and I knew not one person. Hell, when I left Orlando, I didn't even really know where I was going! I just leapt. I don't know when I became such a gutless wonder, but now I feel like I need some damned safety net. I blame that f*ckhead George Bush.

Wow, Stray Cat, that was really great stuff that you said. Full of wisdom. Thanks.

On the other hand, I am not very well off. If I had stayed in that lab job, I'd be high up in one of the serious labs in the US, assuming I kept up my pace at the time I left.

But that is complicated - I am not very well off since a decade later I couldn't apply for some neat jobs I was qualified for after I learned about my vision - when I learned about it, I wasn't officially employed. And, I didn't go for alimony on divorce. Not to divulge my inner workings - just that life flies on, and money does matter quicker than apprehended by some of my generation, like me.

So, what, from my point of view, now is better than later.

By the way, Osso, I'm not ignoring you, I just haven't finished reading yours yet.

And I'm blathering.

S'Ok.

You're not blathering. Osso, you have hit on something that is one of my biggest things. That money thing. I feel like I don't want to make a mistake that is going to cost me a big chunk of my savings...I mean, I worked in this horribly aggravating job for so damn long for it. How would it be if I just up and made a horrible mistake and pissed it all away? I would be absolutely sick if that happened. Especially knowing how damn hard it is to save money in NYC.

But that's just irrational panic, I think. I'm sure I'll be fine, whatever happens. Soon....

That's called, don't throw good money after bad. This cautionary stuff will only get stronger.

I do wish you had a bit of time by yourself to think, but maybe that would accrue zilch. You may be reactive, blossoming when something shows up that engages you and that you can add to and with luck nothing fks up.

My jump to land architecture was good. I'm not sorry I did it. If nothing else, my world has widened immensely. I have some happy pals who did it too. (not to promote that field, but not to blame it for my problem, which mostly has to do with me not being able to work past twilight much less drive freeways after dark, and not going for the jugular in divorce, when I didn't think it was fair.) I'll add that at this point I might have at least tried for jobs I was likely to get, and just, hell, gotten cabs home. But I didn't think that far then.

I'm still for your moving on. Perhaps not just this next week.

All the advice you have been given here has been wonderful, well thought ut and spoken from those who really do have your best interests at heart. You are far too young to be so miserable and in a job you hate. Anyone is for that matter, unless of course you have 40 years vested in a company and only 2 years from retirement or something.

Like osso, I have had many jobs and many careers. Some I have left with another already lined up and some I have left without a clue as to what I was going to do next. I have no regrets at all about leaving any of them, even though some times were lean and tougher than others, especially considering I was a single parent with 2 kids depending on me to keep a roof over their heads.

Listen to your heart, know that the fears will subside. You already have a good grasp on how uncertain this whole big bad old world can be. Have faith and believe in the strengths you know you have. They are numerous! Only you will know when the time is truly right to leave the untenable situation you are now in. And when you do, you will feel so awesome about your choice.

Side note...My head is still dreamily woozy over the thought of kicky and conjugal.... :wink: