Did I make a mistake by letting him go ?

Hello, Debra. This may or may not be a playful/joke post that we are all answering sincerely while whiling away more time than we have.

Then again, maybe not, and there may be a child woman who needs help, which is why any of us bother.

I still like my response best

Fooling around at your age IS daft and IS dangerous... but it's also something you're very likely to end up doing... especially now you've done it once. I'll leave the 24 year old out of this except to say we weren't joking about 15 years in prison

No you haven't made a mistake. It's great that you and craig had something special. But the way that you broke up, his reaction to you not wanting to get back together, and the fact that 3 weeks on you're both with somebody new should prove to you that neither one of you is ready by any means to commit to the other.

I'm sure you guys had somtehing great and maybe one day you'll reestablish that. But for the moment you have made the right decision. He is not the only guy you will ever be with, and it's far better that you're with other people now and get back together later than try to make something work that you're not happy with

Thank you Bekaboo thats exactly what I was looking for. You too ossobuco. I know my whole situation is probably seeming really weird to you guys right now and it is alittle hard to write down. I appreciate you guys trying to help me anyway and taking me seriously. ^_^

Hello, Jesfre. Welcome to A2K. I love this "place." These people are my friends, and I have not been posting for very long. They are kind and wise people.


I will get right to my point. If you started dating a boy when you were 7 or 8 years old, I believe you might have been sexually abused before that time.

I was sexually abused from infancy onward by my father, so I'm very familiar with the results of that abuse. I started having sex (outside of my family) very young, because I already knew what it was all about.

Would you post and answer this question for me? Do you think it's possible you were sexually abused before you ever met Craig? I do hope to hear your reply.

Best of luck and happiness to you.

ummm I don't know???? I mean I've always had a bad relationship with my dad because he used to drink alot but since he's stopped we've been alright. He stopped drinking about 6 months ago. He used to hit me but that was about all that I can remember anyway. I really don't remember anything that went on that long ago. I mean I guess it could be possible because I've always felt like it was ok to have a sexual relationship like I was never afraid of it or anything. After my experience with Craig though I realized I really didn't want that in a realtionship yet because I realized I was too young. Hmmm that really makes me think. I don't know what do you think ?

I just wish people would understand me like you seem to be trying to do. People usually just say about me being a kid and all but you seem really different BorisKitten its like your actually truing to understand my situation and I truely appreciate that ^_^

Can i just clear something up

You talk about having a sexual relationship after your one year anniversary. When i reread post 1 i also saw that you were "on and off" and that it was only the last time that you were together for any length of time

So this one year anniversary.... how old were you?

Because at first read it looks like you're saying you've been sexual since before puberty was knocking on the door!!

I don't think that's what you mean but i think it needs clearing up

Hi again Jesfre.... First, I'll be going out of town tonight for 3 days, so I won't be back until Thursday night. So if I don't reply it's because I'm not around a computer, not because I don't care about you!

With me and my father, he too was a heavy drinker, and I did not remember that I'd been sexually abused until I was in my 20's. So my "inappropriate" sexual feelings had no explanation. My mother blamed me and said I was evil (actually she still does, over 30 years later).

I think it's wonderful for you that your father has stopped drinking. A heads-up to you... if he should start drinking again and do something not right, either violence or sexual things, you can call 911 immediately and get some help for yourself.

If only I'd been able to do that when I was a kid! I woulda done it in a heartbeat.... but this was in the 1960's when child abuse was covered up and not talked about at all. So, know that now you have some back-up from society. He's just not allowed to hit you or do sexual things to you, period.

Girls usually don't get involved in sexual relationships until AFTER they start menstruation. Most girls who do get sexual before that have some sexual experience... and where else would you have gotten sex-stuff, if not from someone teaching you?

The most important thing for you to remember here is that these feelings and actions of yours are NOT YOUR FAULT. People will tell you you're bad, rotten, all kinda stuff. Just don't listen. You're NOT a bad person, Jesfre, so just let all those comments roll off your back, and concentrate on your own strengths.

Most people would be telling you to get into therapy right away, any way you can. If I were you, I'd start slowly, get some books from your local library about how to be well and strong. Books about sexual abuse are more rare now, but the best one, if you can find it, is called "The Courage to Heal," by Bass and Davis. Also books by Albert Ellis about Rational Behavior Therapy are really good, and can help you learn to depend only on yourself. They're great because they can help you feel better right away, the same day you check them out.

If you do get into therapy (which you might later, if not right now), remember that not all therapists are good therapists. There are therapists who got through school with a D average, and ones who got an A average, and you can't tell which is which, often, until you're sitting across from them in your first session. So, if you find a therapist, be judgmental of them. If they are not listening and helping you, find a different one and don't blame yourself for not liking them.

I have so much to say! Take one little step at a time. You can't remember stuff and work through it all in a day or week or year, even. So be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Pretend your self is a little baby kitten and you need to take care of it, be the momma cat to her. If you suddenly remember something (and reading books about sexual abuse may trigger memories), let yourself go slowly, one baby step at a time, and try not to be too demanding of yourself.

Be as nice to yourself as you possibly can. Believe me, no one will ever be as nice to you as you can, and you'll be at a great advantage if you realize that now rather than later. Some people NEVER figure this out and spend their lives in misery because of it. Self-care is the best care. Only you really know what you need, so be true to your own feelings, pretend you are your own therapist, and let the comments of others be just comments, which you can disregard if you like.

I think it's pretty likely that sexual things happened to you against your will before all of this started happening. I was only 4 years old the first time my father tied me to the bed and raped me. Get this... when I told my mother about it, she said, "He's my husband, not yours!" Some help that was! So don't count on other people to be understanding, even people who are close to you.

Know that if your parents find out about your relationships, they are likely to blame you. If that should happen, you really should get some help outside of your family right away. You are not to blame, you are not evil, you are not crazy. No matter what people tell you, do not ever believe any of these things, OK? And yes, it's really hard to believe in yourself when people are critical of your actions. A sibling might be able to help, as they'll be more likely to understand, but your siblings may be messed up, too, so it's a sort of double-edged sword.

Should trouble start, like your parents find out, or if dad gets out of control again, call this phone number: 1-800-799-7233. This is the national domestic violence hotline. Tell them how old you are, a bit of your history, what it happening now, and they will be able to help you, to start you on the path to wellness and wholeness.

They will not blame you, they will not arrest you, and they will step in with a good dose of justice for you, which is just what you need. If things are really bad, they can even find you a new place to stay while you work through stuff. Sexual abuse is considered domestic violence, by the way, so they'll know what you're talking about. This is their website: http://www.ndvh.org/. And you can also learn more about this stuff by searching for "sexual abuse" in Google.

Jesfre, I think your father (or maybe someone else) hurt you bad, probably a long time ago. I could be wrong.... I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm not, send me a private message, call that phone number, go to the library, get some help on the web. There is help out there, and people like me really do care about what happens to you.

I think it's despicable that you're advising a child that she was probably sexually abused by her father (or someone else).

Sexual abuse is outrageous and intolerable. However, false allegations of sexual abuse are even MORE outrageous and intolerable. Those are the types of unsubstantiated allegations that can ruin people's lives. And now this kid is thinking it's possible: that maybe she has repressed memories and doesn't know what to think. If she needs therapy now, it's probably because you're the one who is planting allegations without a shred of evidence.

I see a child who is too eager to grow up, dating too young, and sneaking around with a 24-year-old adult male. She should be concentrating on her education. She should be developing her skills and knowledge. She should be working on becoming a well-rounded individual. Instead, she involves herself in adult relationships when she doesn't have the adult mentality necessary to balance a relationship with the rest of her life.

I think "despicable" might be a bit strong. I was weighing a similar-ish response, though. I think BorisKitten was careful to put in qualifiers, and I understand how two parts of her experience would lead her to say what she said -- her childhood, and her current career as a women's shelter advocate. Both make her very aware that such truly despicable things do in fact occur, and more often than any of us would like to think.

However, I agree that not nearly enough is known to make any judgements in this case, and that suggestion can be powerful. Sexual experimentation and play are not too terribly uncommon for kids (playing doctor, show me yours and I'll show you mine) -- jesfre seems to have taken all of this to extremes (though stopping short of intercourse, which is good IMO), and there is definitely something off about the whole thing.

But I agree that a statement like, "Jesfre, I think your father (or maybe someone else) hurt you bad, probably a long time ago" makes me wince -- there are too many other possibilities, and of all possible subject matter, this is one area where suggestion has been shown to be extremely dangerous.

Several interesting shifts in the tale.
Odd gaps in internal consistency.

~~~~~~~~~

jesfre, it seems like you're a young woman who would really benefit from talking to an adult you trust - teacher, relative, whatever.

I agree with sozobe here. I have been feeling badly that I was so slow to believe Jesfre regarding dating for six years when she is thirteen - though on my own behalf it is true that people do make things up in forums on relationships. It is possible that Boris Kitten's instinct here is correct and it is also very possible that it isn't, and it is true that suggestion has a role that can make something seem true when it isn't.

Whatever the situation is, the idea that Jesfre be kind to herself, learn to believe in herself as a person, is wise, and Debra's points about becoming a well rounded individual and concentrating on her education now are also wise.
Bekaboo made sense too, a little earlier in the posts.

We all want the best for you, Jesfre - we want you to be a well rounded happy person, and think that this much involvement in dating at thirteen is not a good thing for you.

Now debra_law has made me feel like I'm some kind of a Slut or something. I know I moved my relationship with Craig too quickley and thats why I stopped before I made the mistake of actually having sex with him. My education is very important to me also Debra I mean I make straight A's and everything. I get outstanding scores on my SAT's. I still do everything like a normal teenager would do. I think I kind of understand why I am like I am. I hate where I live. I feel as if my parents don't want me here. Well I know for a fact that my mom doesn't want me here because she told me that already. Could all of this be the reason why I moved so fast ? I am having a very difficult time understand all of this???? Oh and I forget who asked but I was having a sexual relationship with Craig when I was 12 years of age.

Ehbeth do you believe me now ? I mean you were the one that was trying to understand me with the whole 24 year old thing and I just want you to know that I'm telling you the truth and the whole truth.

OK, jesfre, here's the thing. There are all of these inconsistencies in what you say. That's great that you did so well on your SAT's -- which you'll take in about 4 years.

well how is that because where I live we take SAT's every year ?

Also what do you mean by there are all of these inconsistancies ?

You may take standardized tests every year--and do very well in them--but "SAT" stands for "Scholastic Aptitude Test". You aren't "given" the SAT's in school, you pay to take them on your own time.

By the by, Debra can't make you feel like a slut no matter what she thinks of your past actions. Only you can decide which words you will accept to describe yourself.

You can't control what other people think--but you can control the way you think about yourself.

jesfre, here's an example:







You started the relationship 6 years ago, so if you're 13, that was when you were 7. You say that a year into that relationship you started experimenting sexually, which would make you 8. Then you say it wasn't until you were 12.

The SAT thing is another. No, they're not given every year. Maybe you mean something else, it's possible.

If I were to make an uneducated guess, it would be that you are quite young, but not 13; that you're currently in love with someone older than you, but nothing so dramatic as 24/13; and that Craig was a serious teenage relationship, but not a serious prepubescent relationship. Of course, all of it could be created from whole cloth. Or all of it could be true -- the main thing I am saying is that the fuzzy math and the weird details (SAT's are specifically college entrance exams) mean that it is reasonable for people to look at everything rather suspiciously. I'm happy to give advice regardless -- who knows -- just answering your question about what I meant by inconsistencies.

Actually, I did read just this week that they have a version of SATs very early, sozobe, in (I think it was) elementary school Not of course the main SAT, but there are apparently miniversions with at least a similar name, as the article I skimmed used the letters SAT too.

I forget where I read that. I read a lot of material fast in a kind of "wash".
I remember saying "what?" to myself about it...