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Should I tell the truth about my gender?

 
 
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 04:35 pm
I (girl, 16) lied to an online friend (my age). He thinks I’m a boy and we’ve been texting for months without him finding out. I pretend to be a guy online because I desperately want to be a boy and can’t be irl because biology and genes and reality. It’s very upsetting to know that I’m only pretending when I remember and I also feel guilty for not telling the truth. I don’t think he would be super angry if I told him but he might not trust me anymore, especially if he finds out before I tell him.

My biggest fear is that he’ll treat me differently after he finds out, and that he’ll treat me like a girl. Maybe I would feel even more miserable if I knew he saw me as a girl. Which makes no sense at all because I am a girl but I didn’t choose to be ok? If I told him this he wouldn’t understand me so I also don’t know what to tell him exactly when I tell the truth because my reasons sound silly. I don’t want to lose this friendship either so it’s a dilemma. And I can’t just tell him “just pretend I’m a guy ok?” because I’d know that he knows.

So the advantages of telling him are:
- no secrets
- no lie as a base of a relationship
- telling the truth before it comes out somehow
And the disadvantages are:
- his reaction?
- I wouldn’t be able to forget I’m a girl when I read his messages anymore
- I don’t want to and it’s hard (not a real argument lol)

My common sense tells me I should tell him the truth but part of me refuses to even believe the truth myself. What can I do?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 481 • Replies: 5
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:15 pm
@Sad teen ,
Do you think he'd understand if you said, "I identify as a male"?
Sad teen
 
  0  
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:35 pm
@Mame,
Thank you for replying. That would be a sort of compromise, wouldn’t it? But I don’t really think I identify as male because I’m not male, that’s a fact I can see when I look in the mirror. Like no matter how badly I want to be male, I won’t be and I thought rather be a normal girl than a guy who isn’t really a guy?

I just want him to think I’m a perfectly normal boy. I don’t know if he’d see me as perfectly normal if I came around with this identity-differing-from-reality-thing. But maybe telling him what you said would be closer to the truth than what I’m doing at the moment so I’ll definitely take it into consideration.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:50 pm
@Sad teen ,
In the 21st century, being "transgendered" is an option. This would mean that you would be male. You would present yourself as male. You would be treated by society as a male. In every way, you would be a male.

This is something that you can do if you choose to. I would suggest that you talk to a therapist that has experience working with transgendered teens if you decide you want to explore this option.

Are you looking for a romantic relationship with this other person?

Sad teen
 
  0  
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 06:22 pm
@maxdancona,
I know it is technically an option to get a sex change and such. But in my eyes, that would still not make me 100% exactly like a biological male. I probably have too conservative views about this but I don’t know if anything would help me in any way if science and medicine can’t make me indistinguishable in every way from a proper man. And I’ve done my research, they can’t. So I think I still prefer being healthy and normal to being a lifelong medical patient and maybe not even happy with the results. I may change my views in the future, because I hope I’m wrong, but right now, I don’t see being transgendered as a real option for myself. Not to mention my parents, who would probably never understand, disown and hate me and I don’t want to destroy my relationships to my family.

However, talking to a therapist sounds like a good idea. They may help me cope with being a girl and maybe they can persuade me to even enjoy it....

As far as a romantic relationship with this friend goes, I’d say I wouldn’t be totally against it but there would be too many problems right now for me to start any romantic relationship at all, sadly. Because I know that, I’m trying not to fall in love at the moment.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 12:11 pm
This is all not fair to your friend.

‘Fess up and tell him the truth. Your conversations shouldn’t be that much different, UNLESS , for him, this has been going into a same sex relationship/romantic opportunity.
.


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