Should I tell the truth about my gender?

Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 04:35 pm
I (girl, 16) lied to an online friend (my age). He thinks I’m a boy and we’ve been texting for months without him finding out. I pretend to be a guy online because I desperately want to be a boy and can’t be irl because biology and genes and reality. It’s very upsetting to know that I’m only pretending when I remember and I also feel guilty for not telling the truth. I don’t think he would be super angry if I told him but he might not trust me anymore, especially if he finds out before I tell him.

My biggest fear is that he’ll treat me differently after he finds out, and that he’ll treat me like a girl. Maybe I would feel even more miserable if I knew he saw me as a girl. Which makes no sense at all because I am a girl but I didn’t choose to be ok? If I told him this he wouldn’t understand me so I also don’t know what to tell him exactly when I tell the truth because my reasons sound silly. I don’t want to lose this friendship either so it’s a dilemma. And I can’t just tell him “just pretend I’m a guy ok?” because I’d know that he knows.

So the advantages of telling him are:
- no secrets
- no lie as a base of a relationship
- telling the truth before it comes out somehow
And the disadvantages are:
- his reaction?
- I wouldn’t be able to forget I’m a girl when I read his messages anymore
- I don’t want to and it’s hard (not a real argument lol)

My common sense tells me I should tell him the truth but part of me refuses to even believe the truth myself. What can I do?
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Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:15 pm
@Sad teen ,
Do you think he'd understand if you said, "I identify as a male"?
Sad teen
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:35 pm
Thank you for replying. That would be a sort of compromise, wouldn’t it? But I don’t really think I identify as male because I’m not male, that’s a fact I can see when I look in the mirror. Like no matter how badly I want to be male, I won’t be and I thought rather be a normal girl than a guy who isn’t really a guy?

I just want him to think I’m a perfectly normal boy. I don’t know if he’d see me as perfectly normal if I came around with this identity-differing-from-reality-thing. But maybe telling him what you said would be closer to the truth than what I’m doing at the moment so I’ll definitely take it into consideration.
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:50 pm
@Sad teen ,
In the 21st century, being "transgendered" is an option. This would mean that you would be male. You would present yourself as male. You would be treated by society as a male. In every way, you would be a male.

This is something that you can do if you choose to. I would suggest that you talk to a therapist that has experience working with transgendered teens if you decide you want to explore this option.

Are you looking for a romantic relationship with this other person?

Sad teen
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 06:22 pm
I know it is technically an option to get a sex change and such. But in my eyes, that would still not make me 100% exactly like a biological male. I probably have too conservative views about this but I don’t know if anything would help me in any way if science and medicine can’t make me indistinguishable in every way from a proper man. And I’ve done my research, they can’t. So I think I still prefer being healthy and normal to being a lifelong medical patient and maybe not even happy with the results. I may change my views in the future, because I hope I’m wrong, but right now, I don’t see being transgendered as a real option for myself. Not to mention my parents, who would probably never understand, disown and hate me and I don’t want to destroy my relationships to my family.

However, talking to a therapist sounds like a good idea. They may help me cope with being a girl and maybe they can persuade me to even enjoy it....

As far as a romantic relationship with this friend goes, I’d say I wouldn’t be totally against it but there would be too many problems right now for me to start any romantic relationship at all, sadly. Because I know that, I’m trying not to fall in love at the moment.
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Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 12:11 pm
This is all not fair to your friend.

‘Fess up and tell him the truth. Your conversations shouldn’t be that much different, UNLESS , for him, this has been going into a same sex relationship/romantic opportunity.

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