Should I tell the truth about my gender?

Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 04:35 pm
I (girl, 16) lied to an online friend (my age). He thinks I’m a boy and we’ve been texting for months without him finding out. I pretend to be a guy online because I desperately want to be a boy and can’t be irl because biology and genes and reality. It’s very upsetting to know that I’m only pretending when I remember and I also feel guilty for not telling the truth. I don’t think he would be super angry if I told him but he might not trust me anymore, especially if he finds out before I tell him.

My biggest fear is that he’ll treat me differently after he finds out, and that he’ll treat me like a girl. Maybe I would feel even more miserable if I knew he saw me as a girl. Which makes no sense at all because I am a girl but I didn’t choose to be ok? If I told him this he wouldn’t understand me so I also don’t know what to tell him exactly when I tell the truth because my reasons sound silly. I don’t want to lose this friendship either so it’s a dilemma. And I can’t just tell him “just pretend I’m a guy ok?” because I’d know that he knows.

So the advantages of telling him are:
- no secrets
- no lie as a base of a relationship
- telling the truth before it comes out somehow
And the disadvantages are:
- his reaction?
- I wouldn’t be able to forget I’m a girl when I read his messages anymore
- I don’t want to and it’s hard (not a real argument lol)

My common sense tells me I should tell him the truth but part of me refuses to even believe the truth myself. What can I do?
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 2,631 • Replies: 10

Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:15 pm
@Sad teen ,
Do you think he'd understand if you said, "I identify as a male"?
Sad teen
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:35 pm
Thank you for replying. That would be a sort of compromise, wouldn’t it? But I don’t really think I identify as male because I’m not male, that’s a fact I can see when I look in the mirror. Like no matter how badly I want to be male, I won’t be and I thought rather be a normal girl than a guy who isn’t really a guy?

I just want him to think I’m a perfectly normal boy. I don’t know if he’d see me as perfectly normal if I came around with this identity-differing-from-reality-thing. But maybe telling him what you said would be closer to the truth than what I’m doing at the moment so I’ll definitely take it into consideration.
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 05:50 pm
@Sad teen ,
In the 21st century, being "transgendered" is an option. This would mean that you would be male. You would present yourself as male. You would be treated by society as a male. In every way, you would be a male.

This is something that you can do if you choose to. I would suggest that you talk to a therapist that has experience working with transgendered teens if you decide you want to explore this option.

Are you looking for a romantic relationship with this other person?

Sad teen
Reply Mon 23 Aug, 2021 06:22 pm
I know it is technically an option to get a sex change and such. But in my eyes, that would still not make me 100% exactly like a biological male. I probably have too conservative views about this but I don’t know if anything would help me in any way if science and medicine can’t make me indistinguishable in every way from a proper man. And I’ve done my research, they can’t. So I think I still prefer being healthy and normal to being a lifelong medical patient and maybe not even happy with the results. I may change my views in the future, because I hope I’m wrong, but right now, I don’t see being transgendered as a real option for myself. Not to mention my parents, who would probably never understand, disown and hate me and I don’t want to destroy my relationships to my family.

However, talking to a therapist sounds like a good idea. They may help me cope with being a girl and maybe they can persuade me to even enjoy it....

As far as a romantic relationship with this friend goes, I’d say I wouldn’t be totally against it but there would be too many problems right now for me to start any romantic relationship at all, sadly. Because I know that, I’m trying not to fall in love at the moment.
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Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 12:11 pm
This is all not fair to your friend.

‘Fess up and tell him the truth. Your conversations shouldn’t be that much different, UNLESS , for him, this has been going into a same sex relationship/romantic opportunity.

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Reply Mon 11 Oct, 2021 01:45 pm
@Sad teen ,
Always tell the truth and you will never feel guilty. Always.

If you tell him the truth and he treats you otherwise, give him some time to digest everything. He will come back around. In the meantime, you are a girl and if you're bisexual or lesbian that's your business, but you need to accept the fact that you are a girl and that's the way God made you. You are perfect in HIS sight, regardless of how you feel about yourself.
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Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2021 04:35 pm
@Sad teen ,
If you 'desperately want to be a male', then you can honestly say you identify as such. Even if you look like a female, you can identify as male. The important thing for you is to be who you feel you are.

As for what to do with regards to your online friend, I have no advice for you, not being party to the relationship you've developed. Only you can know when and if to disclose anything.

And I don't agree with much of what Jinglebots said - she's making promises your friend may not be able to keep ("he'll come around"). And there's no need to feel guilty for not telling him you're a female - so far it's just an online relationship. You don't owe the truth to anyone you don't feel like sharing with.
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Reply Mon 24 Jan, 2022 06:17 am
@Sad teen ,
I'm trans too (trans girl), but I've cut bait with most of the trans community, because I eventually concluded that major surgery is not essential and akin to self-abuse. As much as I wished I been born a woman, I discovered that the surgery doesn't give me what I really want. I want a healrhy woman's body, periods and all, and to be able to have a child (though I'm miserable about that too, after seeing my two siblings go to opposite extremes of child-rearing). Ultimately, I just decided to reject the whole thing, and be genderfluid.

Are you even sure you're trans? Two generations ago, you'd have been called a tomboy. As far as you liking girls or guys, that's your choice. Gender and sexual orientation are completely different. I've always liked girls, even though I identify as female a fair amount.

Ask to meet in person. The worst that can hapoen is you say you're a boy and he doesn't accept that. And unless his attentions thereafter are unwanted, don't sweat it.

Read your second comment. You think alot like me. The only difference is you can bind your breasts and cut your hair short, and be more or less healthy. But I'm gonna stress that one day I might lose hair, and have to put up with beard growth.
If you wanna be a non-op transmale that is pretty workable. Dunno how you feel about boys or girls cuz I didn't read carefully enough.

All relationships are imperfect. I think we as humans need to deal with that.
bobsal u1553115
Reply Mon 24 Jan, 2022 05:37 pm
This certainly changes my attitude toward you.

Thank you for reaching out to sad teen. I can't begin to imagine everything you've through to get to here and still be able to reach out and council someone. I admire what you've had to do to get here. Bless you.
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Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 02:50 pm
@Sad teen ,
Gender per your biology - yes. Otherwise disclose your parameters for gender assignment.
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