Need help with a life/relationship crisis

Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2018 11:21 pm
Hello everyone. I am new to this site, and I apologize that I haven't contributed anything on here yet, but I am going to ask for some help.

I am a short guy - 5ft3, and I am in my early 30s. I am at a point in my life where most of my friends (more or less around my age) are either married or are married and have kids already. Basically barely anyone is single. So far I've been toughing it out, but now its kinda affecting my morale. When I ask girls out, either in person or on dating websites, I get rejected almost everytime. Some politely tell that I am too short, and some don't respond at all. So it just seems impossible for me to get a girlfriend. I am at a point where I am getting increasingly worried about my future in terms of a life partner.

About me, I have a fairly well paying job (almost 6 figures) which I like and which allows to live me a comfortable lifestyle. I am into fitness, so I exercise hard, play sports and I believe I am fairly fit and athletic. Besides that, I think I am fairly social as well. I go hiking and camping with friends often, eating out, etc. Every year I travel to one or two different countries as well depending on how much vacation I get.

With this information I am not saying that I am entitled to anything, but it justs seems to me like like my guy-friends are able to find their love/partners with less effort. They go through the normal cycle of breakups, and new girlfriends, and so on. I've never experienced that. And instead of feeling good for them, I've started feeling bad for myself. Lately, when I am studying, working or working-out, I sometimes feel like its pointless to do whatever I am doing! In addition to this, when out on trips, travels, concerts, etc, when my friends and other people get cozy with their partners, I've started to feel more conscious and not in a good way.

I have tried talking about this to my couple of close friends and family. They either don't know what to do, tell me that eventually everything will be okay, or one advice I've gotten is to "compromise" and go with anyone who os okay with me next and not be "picky". I know that I am short and that cannot be helped, but its really hard to take this advise after I have worked so hard to be where I am today. I feel so lost!

How can I cope with all this? How can I keep going? Is there any hope for me at all? If you guys have any experience, I'd really appreciate the help.
Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 06:55 am
I have a friend who is 5’11”. She could have written your post.

She joined a group called Tip Toppers ( or something like that) It’s a dating group exclusively for tall people. She has met many nice tall men and dates a lot.

Try to find a group like this for young people your height.
Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 07:02 am
Anyone who says you're too short is being incredibly shallow. Height is about the stupidest reason to reject someone. Be glad those women are self-selecting out of your life.

To that end, make sure your height is in your profile on dating sites, so it doesn't come as a great shock to anyone. Yes, you'll get fewer responses. But they should be higher quality responses. Because at least you'll know that your height isn't a deal-breaker.

And, talk to a friend who writes well. If you know someone in sales, that'll work. Have them read over your profile with a critical eye. Maybe your profile could be written better. You certainly sound like an interesting person to me, but it's possible your profile isn't emphasizing the right things. I would also suggest not saying you're interested in marriage or a serious relationship, more that you want to get to know someone better, and that if it leads to more you'll be happy. That takes the pressure off and gives you an emotional out (which it also does for the woman).

Women your age may have a child, so if meeting a woman with a child is okay for you, be sure to say so.

And the same is true of your profile image. Make sure it's the best it can be. No grainy photos where your image is cut (either literally or figuratively) out of a group. Put on a good suit, make sure your hair is combed, your shirt is ironed, etc., and have someone who knows what they are doing take several pictures of you. You want images where you are shown from the waist up or the neck up, and get a lot of them from various angles. The best lighting is often outside, so see if you can get a bunch outside. And smile!

And consider how products are sold these days. You are 'selling' yourself as a potential mate. That means not only putting your best foot forward, but also showing up in multiple places. For you, this means trying all sorts of places to meet people.

Notice I said people, not women. This means being out and about, both online and in person, where people hang out who are into the same things you are. Surely there are hiking groups in your area or on Facebook. Your gym probably has classes. You get the idea.

And keep in mind, the advice to compromise is actually not bad. I don't mean settling, and the person who initially gave you that advice may not have meant it that way, either. It's more that you may need to rethink some of your priorities.

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. Mark one column 'must-have' and the other 'nice-to-have'. And fill those columns out, no matter how big or how small.

Maybe your idea woman must be of a certain religion, or not have kids, or be within a certain age range (I've found 5 years younger to 10 years older seems to be good until you hit about 40, 45, and then switch the numbers to 5 years older to 10 years younger, but your mileage may vary).

Now look at your list. What on the requirements list can be learned or acquired? If your future love MUST know how to make your favorite foods (just to throw out an example here), then for God's sake if you meet someone otherwise great, teach her!

You may also find as you get older that some of your requirements turn into 'nice-to-have', and some of the 'nice-to-have' turns into 'what the hell was I thinking, requiring that?'

Good people are hard to find. Be one of those good people. Any woman with any sense will be attracted to that, and to you.
Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 07:01 pm
You could miss out on many potential life partners due to the fact you are so concerned with finding one. The reason is that someone who would find you very interesting and attractive might avoid you because of the feeling that you would expect too much of them and they would worry about breaking your heart and disappointing you if things don't work out.

My advice is that you focus on accepting a single life. This is not as hard as it might sound when you think of how many relationships end badly. You can say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved, but in reality once you're out of a relationship, it's just back to being single more or less.

If it's children you want, consider getting a job where you can work with kids, e.g. at a school or daycare, etc. If you just focus on having positive relationships with the people you work with and women you meet without worrying about finding a relationship, there will be women who are either interested in you themselves or who want to set you up with their single friends. The more picky you are about not wanting to settle for a relationship with just anyone, the more single women will take a shot at impressing you; i.e. because they are not afraid of ending up in a situation where them rejecting you makes them feel like a terrible person for playing with a vulnerable heart.

You may end up with some abusive women pursuing you if you use this strategy, though, so make sure not to wear your heart on your sleeve with the wrong person. More than likely you will eventually meet the right person this way and discover that you share the same long-term relationship goals, but if you try to set your sites on that and feel anxious or disappointed about finding the one, it will only obstruct the process of finding her.
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A widow
Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 11:08 pm
@ vicernst I think the suggestions you have received are good ones. Julia Childs was 6' tall, and her husband was much, much shorter than her. so height doesn't always make a difference. If it's a worry for you, then be upfront about it on your social profile. It sound like you are a good guy. With that, the right person will come to you.
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Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 11:27 pm
women tend to avoid men shorter than them. but there are millions of women shorter than you. asian women tend toward low stature. there is plenty of opportunity for you to hook up with someone shorter. believe your problem is more relevant to personality, style and approach than merely a height crutch
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Reply Sun 30 Dec, 2018 11:18 pm
Thanks for the reply. True, tall girls don't have it easy either. Though I know a couple of really tall girls, and it still is better than being a short guy.
That being said I appreciate the advice on joining a group. Thanks! I am already part of meetups and such, though I haven't yet found a group for short guys as such. Will keep on looking.
Reply Sun 30 Dec, 2018 11:24 pm
@jespah Thanks for taking the time to write this. Much appreciated!

I've never hid my height on my profiles, as its not something that I can actually hide when I meet someone. Plus most of my pictures are clear and outdoors since I am out plenty. Though thanks for all the pointers. I think I am following through most of them already. Except the last part about writing down points, its probably worth a try. I guess I will keep trying and hope for the best.
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Reply Sun 30 Dec, 2018 11:46 pm
Look into other groups as well. Check out political, Church, environmental, animal rescue.....groups.....only if you are interested in the mission. All of those groups can help you meet like-minded folks. You dont have to be twins, its true that opposites attract.....but not crazy opposites...get involved with your favorite causes and see how it goes.
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