He’s ready, I’m not, AND there’s a deadline. What do I do??

Forums: Marriage, Older Men, Questions, Deadline, Younger Women
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I'll give you all the low-down:

He's 36, I'm 26. We've been dating for around 6-7 months now. He recently gave me the sit down chat about what his plan is for the next 5(ish)years. He tells me this because he only dates (and stays with) those whom he believe are "serious contenders" as a potential wife. He wants to get married within the next 2-3 years, and have kids within 5-6. The main reason is for his kids to be able to grow up around his parents since they'll be almost 70 by then; to have his parents a part of their lives.

I'm lost, and completely overwhelmed. (He doesn't know because I'm trying to put together some common sense in all this before I speak with him)

But don't get me wrong, I have dated a fair bit and have a solid idea of who and what I want in a man and what I'm willing to compromise. But I don't know if he's "the one," nor am I looking to fool around or casually date.

I think it's the deadline that frightens me the most and I don't know whether or not I'd be even ready by then. The future is unknown to me, and my career hasn't even taken off yet.

The voice of reasoning says two things:
1) you'll be thinking differently within 1-2 or even 3 years from now. Women have an internal body clock, men have a financial one and he's already reached his. So why not try and see?
2) In 5 years I'll be 31, and life is already difficult with prices skyrocketing in all aspects of life, jobs difficult to attain and numerous other problems that arise that weren't present a decade or so ago. I don't feel like I'll be where I want to be in 5 years, and then to already have a kid? The thought is blasphemous.

How do I discuss this with him? How do I approach this? What questions do I ask myself to resolve this looming cloud over my head? I don't have a direction and I don't know where to start.

Anything would help. Thank you so much!

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,714 • Replies: 20

@Sherry007,

Is he prepared to stay home with potential children if your career is in a hot spot in 5 - 10 years?

So many questions.

Do you think he'd be willing to keep dating if you said you're willing to seriously consider his timeline as long as he considers and addresses your concerns. Would he consider going for premarital classes, similar to those offered by the Catholic church?

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@ehBeth,

Actually he had mentioned the premarital classes since he is catholic. I was raised Christian but I’m not very strict about my religion and I’m pretty flexible.

Mmm...as for staying at home, he conveniently works from home so that would work out if need be...But in 5-10 years, the first few I would hope I’d be taking off by then - but if I just had children, I don’t think I’d be as much out and about during such a crucial time.

so you think I’d have to put myself on hold for a while until he can look after them on his own then work on my career?

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@Sherry007,

There are so many practical considerations but only one thing is important. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? It's not about bodyclocks or home/work balance but how you feel.

How does the thought of being 36 with him and three kids make you feel?

26 is still very young, many women have children into their 40s.

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If you don’t know if he’s “the one,” then don’t continue this conversation with him. You don’t sound madly in love with him. That’s important.

He sounds like he’s trying to fit a woman into his schedule instead of into his life.

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Personally, I don't relate well to deadlines. They're a little too close to threats.

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Is he in sales, by chance?

I ask because the following are sales tactics:

Limited time offer
Only offered to "the best of the best"

I agree that you don't exactly sound head over heels. And you're also rather young to be boxed into deadlines such as these.

Also, biological clocks don't mean diddly. Adoption, egg freezing, these are both options for not having a kid ASAP.

I would also like to point out that when a lot of women in the American work force take time off to have kids, their careers tend to suffer. This doesn't mean you shouldn't have children; it's more that it's a lot harder to lose out on promotions if you aren't getting good support at home/aren't all in with your partner.

Not for nothin', but he doesn't sound like he loves you, either (sorry). This feels a helluva lot like a business proposition to me.

1 Reply

@Sherry007,

"contenders"? Give me a break. It sounds like he is starring in his own
Bachelor show, written a script into the future, and is looking for a female
co-star. (and has a deadline to turn in the script to the producer)
He probably has a lot more ideas about what he wants in a wife. I heard that the native Americans had a belief that everything happens when it is supposed to. That makes sense to me.

"Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be"

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@Sherry007,

Sitting down to share future plans - Good.

Waiting 2 - 3 years before marriage - wise thing to do.

Asking for a commitment now for marriage in 2 - 3 years - Very bad. Run if that's the case. If he's willing to date until you feel comfortable (or not), that's OK.

1 Reply

@Sherry007,

To answer your questions,
1.) Discussing the future is like discussing which tree a bird will land in.
2.) Approach it realizing that right now he thinks it's all about him.
3.) "Will I be happy with a man who has made me feel like I have a looming cloud over my head before we are even married?"

1 Reply

@jespah,

Hi Jespah

No he’s not in sales, he works at home as a web designer.

Mmm...well. I’m not sure, he says i love you (and it was recent. Maybe started around 1month ago he began to say it?) but...you’re all correct I’m not exactly head over heels. There’s no crazy firey passion, nor was there ever one, but more so a slow simmer. But it’s also consistent.

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@Ponderer,

Mmm well. Even though I do quote him, he was never good with words as he had so stated many times. And if anything bothered me he’d be more than happy to explain what he meant and meant to harm.

Ideas of what he wants in a wife...I do get that vibe. He has already told me he wants a house, a family, white picket fence, that kind of deal.

I like it, but I don’t love it because it also sounds very safe and comfortable. And kind of...boring?

But when I’m with him, I’m pretty happy. So I guess I’m a bit lost on how I feel about that, and don’t know how or what to ask myself in that regards.

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@Ponderer,

Well, he was never good with words - as he had also admitted. And is always willing to explain what he means when I ask for clarification.

He does know what he wants in a wife I think. Since he said, that one of his main end goals is to have a wife, a family, a nice house with the white picket fence. It all sounds vert nice. But it also sounds very safe and comfortable. And kind of boring. But it’s not a bad thing...i think in some cases it sounds quite luxurious in its own way, perhaps like a privilege. I just dont know how or what to ask myself in that regards.

I’m happy when I’m with him. But I also don’t feel heat. I don’t feel passion. Just...like a slow , but consistent simmer. Is that a bad thing?

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@Leadfoot,

So I should mention in the conversation-t0-be, that if I were to agree to anything, that in the end it should be that he waits until I’m comfortable for me to agree to any sort of proposal?

But then, I also feel that would leave him uncomfortable and perhaps the feeling of being in limbo since he wants to be married by a certain time. Again I guess it ‘s the age gap.

Would that mean he’d have to make a choice if it’s a huge deal breaker? (Which I think is the case?) and I’d have to prepare for the worst?

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@Ponderer,

Those are very valid points...

Is it too harsh to say #2 you had stated? Do I really just say “ how we’ve gone about discussing this when you brought up the topic, to me, sounds like this relationship is much more based on your own timeline instead of letting things happen organically.”

Something like that?

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@Sherry007,

Yes, you are right about that being too harsh to say to him. I just meant to approach it realizing that he has to understand that it shouldn't be more about him than you. Him being ten years ahead of you might make him see the clock ticking faster than you. He was already a man (20) when you were a girl (10). And he went through 20-30 while you went through 10-20. So he has been "out there" and looking and waiting longer than you.
So I understand him not wanting to wait indefinitely. But, (and this is just me) real love is worth waiting for. If he loves you, he will respect your feelings about being rushed. If he feels your love enough, he will wait until you are 40 and he is 50.

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@Sherry007,

About the "consistent simmer"- It gives me an "inner smile" if that answers your question.

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@Ponderer,

Mmm...true, true.

Ah such a heavy feeling, but thank you (and everyone else) for taking the time to respond. Lots to chew on, and difficult to digest but I’ll work on it. Thanks again, so much.

And you’re right, love is worth waiting for if it’s worth it. <3

1 Reply

@Sherry007,

Quote:

Would that [waiting for you to be ready] mean he’d have to make a choice if it’s a huge deal breaker? (Which I think is the case?) and I’d have to prepare for the worst?

You should always be ready to walk away from an ultimatum from lovers or car salesmen.

If it's worth waiting for, he'll wait. If he won't, it wasn't.

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@Sherry007,

>>>-------------------------------------->

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He’s ready, I’m not, AND there’s a deadline. What do I do??

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