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Is this fair? Marriage advice

 
 
Emm2013
 
Reply Fri 26 Oct, 2018 07:15 pm
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a 5 year old son. We both work full time, he makes more $ than me. He pays for the mortgage, put down the down payment on the house, purchased most of the furniture, pays all monthly utilities, cars (fully paid off). He owns his own business so business expenses, including rent, he has a part time employee. I pay for my sons daycare tuition, groceries, dinner (usually pick up), medical expenses, medical insurance, gas, all of my own wants, hair, clothes, makeup, girls trips, and most of my sons wants. I pretty much spend my entire salary, I don’t have any savings. He makes substantially more than me. Lets say he has PLENTY in savings. I am also responsible for ALL the house work and ALL things related to my son. Pick up, drop off, feedings, bath, bed time routines, doctor appointments, etc.. I ask him to do more in the house and with our son, IMO writing a mortgage and utility check isn’t enough . His response, “nothing is ever good enough for you, you are never satisfied.”

I want honest and real feedback. Is he right or am I expecting too much since he is the bread winner?
 
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Fri 26 Oct, 2018 07:50 pm
@Emm2013,
Emm2013 wrote:


I want honest and real feedback. Is he right or am I expecting too much since he is the bread winner?

Do you or him think this is still 1950s Leave it to Beaverland? I suspect he's the actual father to your child, right? Maybe he should act like one.

Quote:
all of my own wants, hair, clothes, makeup, girls trips

That's on you though it doesn't sound like he (your partner) doesn't consider your needs as a human. Marriage is a partnership; marriage shouldn't be a competition; marriage isn't an employer/employee hierarchy. Possible groundwork for divorce by irreconcilable differences.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Oct, 2018 12:43 am
@Emm2013,
I hope the assets are in both your names. You should have joint savings and checking for household needs, family vacations....whole bunch of things...You both can have individual accounts as well...My husband and I do, we pool most of the money but we still have a "whatever I feel like" account for whatever.
The house, all the cars, investments, banking needs are in both names (It works for us) we discuss major purchases like cars, big ticket items for the house, renovations, etc.

My husbands income has always been greater than mine, that doesn't make him the senior partner or me a dependent. We both made enough money to live independently before we got married, but we lived a lot better when we combined incomes.


I think it's unwise for one spouse to use their entire paycheck to run the house, especially when the other spouse is salting away 'plenty'. There are a number of reasons for that, one...if your husband was seriously ill and unable to handle the finances..you can step in...otherwise you won't have access to any money thats only in his name. If the worst happened and he dies, you will need to make funeral arrangements and it's so much more difficult if all you have is $400 in your savings account. Plus you don't want anyone else top lay claim to any assists the two of you have.
The same advice works for him was well, he needs access in emergencies...

Paying the mortgage and utilities doesn't make him the senior partner, you pay medical insurance, daycare, doctor appts, clean the house and make meals (carry out counts) bet you do the laundry don't you? Laundry's a big deal when the kids are young, sheets, towels all need to be washed and changed regularly. I suggest you hire someone to clean the house at least once every two weeks and tell money bags to pay for it. It will lessen the load on you and you will have more time for your child and other things like hair, nails, whatever. And for God's sake, quit calling him the 'Breadwinner'. You are not living off his charity, you're his wife, he's your husband and you both share responsibility and any good fortune that comes along.

If you don't know what the monthly expenses are or how much money is coming in every month, find out. You should know everything, how much is left on the mortgage, the rent and other expenses for the business (and that's his job, just like you have a job) Just please please please keep track of these things...not because you can't trust him but because you have to know these things. Money is not a special commodity that only 'bread winners' understand. Since both of you are breadwinners, get informed.

I'm not lecturing you, honestly if you were my daughter I'd encourage you to do the same.



0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Oct, 2018 05:24 am
This ^ (both of these, actually).

My husband and I have been all over the map in terms of who makes more. Currently, he's in the lead. Shrug.

It's not his money. It's not mine. It's ours. No one tallies up who paid for what or who owns or owes what. The house is in both our names. The car is only in mine but that's because I'm the only driver. If I was hit by a bus tomorrow, he wouldn't be using it, anyway.

Our 401(k) and IRA money is in our own names and we name each other as the #1, 100% beneficiary. I have some stocks solely in my name but again, he's the #1, 100% beneficiary.

You don't say this, but is there a major age difference? Difference in what you do/education levels? Did your husband come into the marriage with a ton of savings and assets beforehand?

That would have probably been a good time, if he was concerned about the whole thing, to have had a prenup drawn up. But you can still have a similar agreement created if necessary. I am well aware that not all marriages are alike.

However, no matter what, your son is non-negotiable. Your husband has got to be a part of your child's life, full stop. That doesn't mean Daddy "helps". No. It means Daddy does. I realize that may seem like splitting hairs. What I mean is, if your husband claims he's "helping" then to his mind it's women's work and he's not responsible. Well I've got news for him: he is.

And as you are well aware, there's a lot of work involved in raising a child, but there are also a lot of rewards. By taking a hands-off approach, your husband is denying himself of that. He's acting more like a sperm donor than a father. Regardless of how tired your husband is when he comes home, or how much he makes or whatever, he is still your son's father and he needs to be in your child's life, before he wakes up one day, your son is 21, and doesn't want to have anything to do with his dad.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Oct, 2018 07:38 pm
@jespah,
I guess Emma didn't like the advice.
Emm2013
 
  2  
Reply Sat 27 Oct, 2018 08:44 pm
@glitterbag,
I’ve been digesting everything and mustering uo the courage to say something. I sincerely appreciate everyone’s advice.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Oct, 2018 09:52 pm
@Emm2013,
It's a lot of information, especially if you are living very differently. Take time, think about it, and since you are the only one who knows how your husband thinks/reacts you will probably will need to take baby steps.

He could be resistant and might try to make you feel stupid....if you have other concerns you can air them here, I think the three of us gave you the advice we garnered over the years. My first marriage was a nightmare, but it did teach me to never compromise myself and not settle. It took 4 years before I was so beaten down I didn't think I'd ever draw a calm and content breath again.

I didn't mean to nag you, sorry if I was impatient. We all just want to help.
0 Replies
 
Christinachaffins
 
  0  
Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2018 11:22 pm
@Emm2013,
Agree
0 Replies
 
KM1946
 
  2  
Reply Sat 24 Nov, 2018 01:36 am
@Emm2013,
I did practically the same thing as you. I spent my entire salary each month on taking care of my son (clothes, activities, special holidays, ect.) , pay some bills and contribute to my son's education plan. I also contribute each month to basic needs for the home, about half my monthly income, on top of the rest. I never saved anything at all. I just could not after all my financial obligations. I did and still do it for almost 24 years and 14 years, so far, with my son. This year my spouse went out and spent 47 thousand dollars, that he had saved without my knowing anything about it, on a new truck for himself!! Meanwhile, I don't have more than a hundred dollars in my bank account at any one time. My advice to you, as someone who has been there and done that and is still doing it, start thinking about yourself. Start putting some money away, just for yourself. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, tell him about it. If he wants to pay for something and offers to do so, them let him. Don't be like me and fork out all your cash and have nothing to fall back on. I have recently started my "Just in Case" fund. It is going to be money, for just me, just in case. My mistake was to continue to believe that we were both spending our money and even though I make significantly less than him, it all evened out in the end. As far as our son, my S/O is a great father and I cannot knock him about that. As far as I have gathered, you are unhappy the way things are going, financially and when it comes to taking care of your child, the housework and household responsibilities. If you do not make a change now, you will be in my boat, almost 50, no savings, feeling like you have been taken advantage of and seeing no way out because you have nothing to help you get out. Having this money saved, just in case, would give me, at least SOME freedom. Right now I have none. As much as we hope and believe that our relationship or marriage will last forever, that we will be happy with our partner always, it just is not the case for some, like me. If I had just put away a hundred dollars a month for the last 20+ years, I could have the freedom to choose my course. Financial stability, something for just you, put aside just for you, would give you the freedom to choose if you ever had to.
0 Replies
 
 

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