Sat 22 Sep, 2018 02:29 pm
I really need advice on my relationship. Little background: me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year, he is two years younger than me and I'm 22. After a month or two of dating we decided to move in together, I know it was quick, but he claimed that it's the best test for relationship after all, if we are really meant for each other. Earlier he was in one serious relationship, but his girlfriend cheated on him, but it was half a year before we started dating. He is really loving and committed to our relationship, I noticed how he matured during that year, but somehow I don't fully trust him, because of times when we were just dating? To the point - he used to have really close female friend, she was really attractive and they were really open to each other. What is crucial, after we started dating, he claimed that he doesn't want to build relationship on any lies, as he had unpleasant memories about that from previous relationship, and he was totally honest about his past, he claimed that when he was alone he had one-night stands and what he thought he was doing wrong in his previous relationship (he said he is doing it in order to know him better, accept him as he is and understand that he wants to be a better man for me). He also said though that he was not involved in any romantic or sexual relationship when we meet each other - and I did believe him until I met his female friend. I don't know if it was caused by my insecurities (?) or some gut instict. He introduced me to her, so he didn't really try to hide her from me, and seem proud to introduce me. However, she didn't really liked me from the beginning. But maybe it was because I was, kind of, taking him away? They used to spend a lot of time together, whether in group or just alone, they saw each other everyday and he even spend some nights at her place ( he was sleeping in a guest room). But after we started dating, their time together reduced, we tried to visit her and his other friends, but we wanted also to spend some time alone - we tried to find balance, nevertheless he and his female friend didn't spend as much time together as before, and that's why she didn't like me? I was a little jealous of her at the beginning, I admit, because they were really close, they shared a bond and my boyfriend seemed really relaxed and happy when he was with her. But I never showed that to her or my boyfriend, I visited her with my boyfriend and invited her to visit our apartment someday. One more thing, after we started being "official" with my boyfriend he said that he will visit his female friend sometimes, but he will no longer sleep at her place, not because there was something between them (he claims they were just good friends), but because it could make me uncomfortable. I did even sometimes in her company feel uncomfortable, I admit, as she was really attractive, playful and flirty around boys. However, my boyfriend claimed that it is why he is not interested in her and they wouldn't be good together and also that she has a history of cheating on her boyfriends or dating two boys at the same time.
To the point - there was one situation in which I questioned if my boyfriend is honest to me and it was shortly after we moved in together, but I can't forget about it and I thought maybe you can give me objective opinion. After we both moved in, it was in the summer and we had a break from our universities, but we both had already worked to pay the bills (my boyfriend and his female friend know each other from the university), and I had leave our city twice for work, each time for about a week - my boyfriend called and was really supportive, even though he had really challenging job in our city (he sometimes worked for 16-18 hours without a break, it was a hard time for us), but after the summer started the topic of his female friend disappeared and I thought for the first time that maybe he is hiding something from me. After I first came back to our apartment, I felt worried, because I found blonde hair on the carpet and on the balcony (his female friend has blonde hair, but it might also belong to previous tenant). I know it's stupid, but I thought that maybe he is inviting her over when I'm gone and maybe their friendship isn't so pure, I started to think that maybe they were sleeping together before? As he was spending so much time with her, they had kind of chemistry? But I didn't asked and maybe it was my mistake, because such fears started to grow in me. I was out the town again and after I came back me and my boyfriend threw a big party at our apartment, his female friend was also invited. I decided to take a close look at her behaviour, as she supposed to be for the first time at our apartment. She arrived late and my boyfriend went downstairs to help her find the way (so maybe she was there for the first time? But my little paranoia whispered thay MAYBE he asked her to act as she was never there?). When she was inside - she said that we have beautiful apartment and so on, and asked: "So the wardrobe is the only thing you had to buy?" and I instantly felt that she was there before, how differently she would know that it was the only piece of furniture that we bought? I was angry, but I didn't spoke about it to my boyfriend for about two days and tried to act normal, but I couldn't stop thinking about it and on the third day I exploded... I know I shouldn't do it, but I accused my boyfriend that he invited her before and never told me about it and if I can trust him and he was obviously angry, because I didn't tried to talk and explain everything calmly. He said that, except that one time, she was never at our apartment - he invited her over, yes, but either she or he was busy working and there was no good occasion, they also talked less during the holidays, because he was always busy at work (even I spend with him little time). And that she knew about this newly-bought wardrobe - he told her that he is going to buy it, when they were attending classes, because we had a lot of stuff, when we moved in.
My question is: I know he explained me everything and all, but why I get so much bad vibes from that situation and from that one female friend? I'm afraid that he could lie to me, maybe they shared some sexual past and they didn't stop sleeping together, at least at the beginning of our relationship? I want to stop thinking about this, but do you think that there is something suspiocious about all this and maybe I'm being naive? I'm afraid that there was something between them and I'm the only one who doesn't know and it's killing me. Everytime I saw this girl I felt that she feels better than me, just as she and my boyfriend shared some kind of secret, should I trust my gut or forget all about this? I just want to enjoy my relationship, stop worrying about it and believe fully my boyfriend, as we are really good together and he supports me in every situation and that's what's important. But I find myself angry sometimes, because I'm afraid that he could done something bad to me as we started dating. Are my fears valid? One more thing, my boyfriend and this girl are not really friends anymore, because she turned out not to be a real friend, but they are not friends not because of me - I didn't ever been controlling girlfriend who bans my boyfriend from meeting his female friends. But why I was so insecure about this one girl?
Get some counseling and figure out why you're so hellbent on sabotaging what to an outside observer such as myself seems to be a positive, good-for-you relationship.
Because that is what you are doing.
Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Same thing with trust in relationships. You either do, or you don't. There is no middle ground there.
If you trust him, then you trust him -- around her, around me, around Kim Kardashian or any hot tamale flavor of the month.
If you don't trust him, then end it.
Why? Because right now you are looking for a gotcha. And it all comes from a fixation on this woman. You looked for a freakin' blonde hair in the goddamned carpets? And it seems as if you will not rest until you find that gotcha. What will happen when you find this gotcha, if you ever do?
What kind of magical screaming fight will you get into if your fears are ever proven to be right? What purpose will that have? To punish her? To punish him? To prove how oh so right you are?
And what kind of a life of walking on eggshells are you going to give him if you are suspicious forever and you never find your gotcha?
Of course no one should completely lose their head when they fall in love. And anyone should see what there is to be seen. But they shouldn't be manufacturing problems where there aren't any to begin with.
Falling in love should also mean falling in trust. Or else it's not worth a hill of beans.
Get counseling before you drive him into her arms with your petty jealousy and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Same thing here, but I trusted him. And ended up being better friends with his female friends than him. I guess it's up to you how you manage the situation, but if you don't trust him this will always be an issue and it's better to end it.