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Help with my relationship with my parents and my boyfriend?

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Feb, 2020 08:22 pm
Hello everyone,

I’m not sure who exactly to talk to, so I’m reaching out. I was a victim of domestic violence for 3 years with a guy. He was physically and mentally abusive in every aspect of our relationship. During our 3 years together, we had 2 very wonderful children (who thankfully are nothing like their father).

Because of the intensity of the abuse, I became addicted to drugs and I decided it was for mine and my children’s best interest to go out of state for a rehab so I could get a fresh start away from the abuse and my children’s father. I am officially a year clean and sober!

I have since left the abusive relationship, and I have found a new boyfriend. We are very serious, talking about moving in together and even spending the rest of our lives together. However, there is one major issue. My parents, specifically my mom, refuses to even acknowledge him.

I am still living out of state, and I go to see my parents and my children (who are living with my parents) twice a year. When I’m home, I try to engage my children in video calling with my boyfriend, but my mom calls it “inappropriate” and “I shouldn’t be introducing them to random men”. Even when my boyfriend is laying with me and I’m video calling my kids, my mom is ALWAYS watching and making sure my boyfriend isn’t in the video. When I try to explain to her that he isn’t a random man, but someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, my mom just shuts down. She gets negative and tells me “I’m not ready for a relationship” and just tries to change the subject.

So, my question is: how can I try and start a conversation with my mom and get her comfortable with my new boyfriend and make her see how serious this relationship is? I want him to be able to come home with me and meet my kids and parents.

Any help would be great! Thank you so much!
 
bunnyhabit
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Feb, 2020 10:30 pm
I dont think she will take relationship seriously until you and boyfriend meet her face to face. what is his take on drugs recovering or active? is he ready to be a father?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Feb, 2020 01:38 pm
@MissMonday,
Think of your children and consider their perception.

You are not able to have a relationship with them, for various reasons, yet you have time and energy for a loving relationship with someone else, a stranger.

Plus you attempt to communicate with them in a video while “laying “ with him.

I agree that the type of relationship you attempt to develop with you children is inappropriate.
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Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Fri 21 Feb, 2020 01:54 pm
@MissMonday,
First off congrats on all accounts - recovery - getting away from your abusive situation and beginning to settle!

I agree in slight part with your mom. Now this depends on how serious you are with this boyfriend and also the ages of your children.

You say you plan to spend the rest of your lives together which does push it into the more serious of course. It sounds like your mom is trying to be protective of your children - kids get attached and she is likely to be worried if you break up it will hurt the children.

She also does not know this boyfriend and you had serious issues prior so I can understand her hesitation. She must be guardian of your children for a reason and is likely very protective and does not want them to be hurt any more. Your previous track record (although you are doing great) was not the best so you almost have to regain her trust in your judgement. So simply saying your boyfriend is this great guy is not going to fly.

Maybe if you go visit - you could ask your mom if just she (and your dad or other adult family member(s) could all meet up with you and your boyfriend something like a casual dinner. That way they could meet him. This boyfriend is a random guy to her because she has not met him.

Then maybe you could arrange another casual outing with your children included.

0 Replies
 
MissMonday
 
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Reply Fri 21 Feb, 2020 07:07 pm
@bunnyhabit ,
My boyfriend is a recovering addict as well, and he also has 2 kids of his own. I want to take him with my back home to meet my mom, but every time I try to ask if he can come with me, my mom says no and panics.
ehBeth
 
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Reply Fri 21 Feb, 2020 07:14 pm
@MissMonday,
MissMonday wrote:
but every time I try to ask if he can come with me, my mom says no and panics.


can your mother prevent him from travelling to your hometown with you?

he should set up separate accommodation on initial visits, so your parents can get a sense that he's there with/for you, but not pushing himself onto your family/your children

maybe he and your father could go for a coffee while you visit with your mother and your children

__


If your mother has guardianship/custody, you are going to have to work with her rules to help her become comfortable with your new status as a recovering addict - in a relationship with a recovering addict.

good on both of you for your work in recovery. use some of the strategies you learned during recovery to help your mother/parents with their comfort levels.
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Linkat
 
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Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2020 08:12 am
@MissMonday,
agreed with ebeth - your mom panics...why? Your past history and perhaps knowing your boyfriend is also a former addict. Is this completely fair? No. Is there a reason? Yes.

You need to put your children first - bottom line. Your mom is trying to do this. I think hearing you use the words "panic" leads me to believe she loves you lots and wants to do this for you, but her thoughts of the children come first - and this is why she "panics." She wants to say yes - but she wants to protect the children. Of course - this is a complete feeling/guess from my side but I can feel the conflict she is having.

Agreeing with ebeth - your boyfriend is a grown adult so your mom cannot stop him from coming as long as he has his own accommodations which I would recommend any way.

Have you asked her? I mean ask her the situation we proposed? That they come meet him, but leave the children out of it. So your mom/dad/other trusted family adult could get to know him. Seeing your mom is guardian is completely makes sense that she does not allow another adult to become part of these kids lives until she gets to know them and feels the children would benefit from such a relationship. Your mom is their protector and should NOT allow any adult to form a relationship with them without knowing them first and feeling comfortable this is good for the children.

Maybe if you approach it that way your mom won't panic. She will see you also want what is best for them. Take it slow. You probably had to do that to be successful in your recovery - this is just one more step -- and it impacts the lives of children. Take it slow and if what you say is true - this guy is that great and you are going to be together for the rest of your lives...waiting a little longer and working with everyone so it is best for the children will show what a true caring mother you are.
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